I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU
Are you prejudiced for or against the Empathizer or Instigator communicator style? Of course you are. As I continue to utilize the Talk to Me© effective communication system in corporate training and relationship communication coaching programs, I repeatedly find that once clients or trainees know their types, they realize that they have a bone to pick with their opposite types. In fact, I’ve run directly into a wall of prejudices each type has of the other. It appears that if we don’t like how we’re being conversed with and treated, we pull a sophisticated blame move I affectionately call Psychoanalytical Critiquing. That’s practicing psychology without a license!
PSYCHOANALYTICAL CRITIQUES, EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR STYLE
Blame the other person for a miscommunication? Not on your watch, so you say. But here is a litany of criticisms, fair or unfair, fact or fancy, that need to be faced (not feared) by every positive communicator who intends to unblock backups caused by accidents on Talk Highway:
CRITIQUE OF E-TYPES BY I-TYPES — CRITIQUE OF I-TYPES BY E-TYPES
The I-type thinks — You are too sensitive.
The E-type assumes — You are too insensitive.
The I-type thinks — You are too generous.
The E-type assumes — You are too selfish.
The I-type thinks — You are too passive.
The E-type assumes — You are too aggressive.
The I-type thinks — You are too co-dependent.
The E-type assumes — You are too independent.
The I-type thinks — You are too conforming.
The E-type assumes — You are too rebellious.
The I-type thinks — You worry too much.
The E-type assumes — You don’t worry about anything.
The I-type thinks — You are too frigid.
The E-type assumes — You are too free with your sexuality.
The I-type thinks –You are too depressed.
The E-type assumes — You are too hyper-optimistic.
The I-type thinks — You don’t take very good care of yourself.
The E-type assumes — You only take care of yourself.
The I-type thinks — You talk too much.
The E-type assumes — You never put your ideas on the table.
The I-type thinks — You are too laid back.
The E-type assumes — You are too driven.
The I-type thinks — You are too easy-going.
The E-type assumes — You are too critical.
The I-type thinks — You are too prudent.
The E-type assumes — You are too impudent.
The I-type thinks — You are a perfectionist.
The E-type assumes — You are a workaholic.
The I-type thinks — You are too wishy-washy.
The E-type assumes — You are stubborn as a mule.
The I-type thinks — You are too emotionally needy.
The E-type assumes — You don’t need anybody.
The I-type thinks — You are too downheartened.
The E-type assumes — You don’t feel anything.
I-types think — You are too demanding.
E-types assume — You don’t care.
I-types think — You pout like a big baby.
E-types assume — You don’t get mad, you get even.
I-types think — You can’t stand going it alone.
E-types assume — You are a loner.
I-types think — You are as dumb as a rock.
E-types assume — You are too smart for your own good.
I-types think — You get along with everyone.
E-types assume — You can’t get along with anyone who disagrees with you.
I-types think — You don’t know what you want.
E-types assume — You only think about your own wants.
I-types think — You can’t ever be satisfied.
E-types assume — You ought to be satisfied with what you’ve got.
I-types think — You can’t let go of fear and relax.
E-types assume — You’re mad and grumpy too much of the time.
I-types think — You beat up on yourself.
E-types assume — You don’t listen to corrective feedback.
I-types think — You shut down when you’re hurt.
E-types assume — You can’t think straight and talk crooked when you’re mad.
I-types think — You’re too good for your own good.
E-types assume — You think I’m bad when you’re mad.
I types think — You’re drug down by guilt.
E-types assume — You don’t feel guilty enough.
I-types think — You don’t let anything go.
E-types assume — You want to get past the past or throw in the towel.
I-types think — You’re too patient.
E-types assume — You’re too impatient.
I-types think — You’re afraid of success.
E-types assume — You’re afraid of failure.
I-types think — You’re a martyr who suffers.
E-types assume — You’re a persecutor who makes others suffer.
I-types think — You’re afraid of conflict.
E-types assume — You love conflict.
I-types think — You think God is a killjoy.
E-types assume — You think joy is God.
I-types think — You can’t stand being happy.
E-types assume — You can’t buy happiness.
CONNECT THE DOTS BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR HEART
Use this list (which can be found on pp.189-192, Talk to Me) before you decide to confront someone by launching a criticism or hurling an insult. You must prepare before you go to the Communicator Table. Remember, the traits above which are in normal type are criticisms often levied at Empathizers during a heated discussion. The traits in italicized type are frequent E-type criticisms of Instigators. Just because your talk partner makes these remarks doesn’t make them true. Only wear the shoe if it fits!
THE COMMUNICATOR TABLE: PREPARE … CLARIFY … CONFIRM … LISTEN UP!
Why must you prepare in advance of an important conversation? Practicing new talk strategies in several scenarios that might come up during the conversation will make you more confident and able to dodge potholes in the Talk Highway. When you feel fearful or frustrated, there are increased chances that you will become a reactive and inaccurate communicator. And if you react too much, you are going to need psychoanalysis, because your talk partners will call 911 and tell the responders that you’re talking gibberish and incoherently. It’s hard to talk with others when your foot is in your mouth!
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY
Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the founder of New Insights Communication, a relationship communications coaching and corporate training company located in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in College Counseling from Michigan State University, and The Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dr. O’Grady is the president-elect of the Dayton Psychological Association. His latest book is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at Amazon and drogrady.com. You can talk to Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.