Do you neglect your pleasure as a couple, in favor of raising healthy kids? Or do you pursue your pleasure as a couple, and neglect your responsibilities to raise healthy kids…or both/neither of the above? In “child-centered families,” the couple tends to neglect the couple unit to focus on the children. Everyone says NOT to forget about the lovers BUT…it’s just so easy to do.
THE LOVING COUPLE NEGLECT SYNDROME
The couple neglect syndrome develops when you put your needs for pleasure last on your “to-do list”…so far down that you rarely get to them at all. Here are the key factors that indicate, little-by-little, you’re becoming an un-couple:
1. The couple doesn’t communicate. You talk about tasks and “the to do’s” instead of the conversation that indicates your enjoyment of each other.
2. The couple lives like roommates. Small talk replaces deeper discussions.
3. Each partner does a lot of solo pleasuring. “He does his thing, and she does her thing!” is the norm.
4. Superficial conversations. Very little personal self-disclosure occurs, or minimal sharing of vulnerabilities during discussions.
5. Your partner doesn’t listen. Listening with the intent to “first understand before being understood” doesn’t often happen.
6. You feel second to the kids. You notice that your partner shows more excitement and enthusiasm being around the kids than being around you.
7. The couple doesn’t spend much relaxed private time together. A “we’ve got to hurry up and balance 12 plates in the air!” permeates the relationship.
8. You don’t go out socially as a couple much. You don’t go out together with positive friends or stay together to enjoy the social outing as a couple.
9. Excuses. You both make a bevy of excuses why you can’t be close now…but maybe later. For example, “If it weren’t for the kids or stress, we’d be able to…”
10. Senseless arguing. You snipe, snap or snip at one another for tiny annoyances.
11. Only one spouse sees the problem. There isn’t partner agreement on the pleasuring problems that need to be solved…and how serious the problems even are.
12. Moan-day…Moan-day. Griping about how change is tough, time is short, energy is sapped, pressures to be perfect are percolating and moaning about shortages of every shape and kind.
13. Flirting. Enjoying talking and playing word games with age-companions who aren’t your partner…when they act positive…like they like you and are glad to see you.
14. Perfection fakery. The pressure is on to “look good” publicly to the group (social or extended family), instead of privately “feeling good and happy and tight” as a couple.
15. In-tense. A gripping “tension” exists, making the couple feel as if they’re in a vise whenever they’re around each other for unstructured periods of time.
16. Extremism. All-or-none thinking or extremism prevails making the flow of love either totally turned on or absolutely turned off like water through a garden hose.
17. Too busy to be bothered. Lack of communication and not physically showing caring in hugs and other tender touches are never good things. Neither is being too too busy to make time to talk.
18. “And before we knew IT…” The couple bond grows weaker and weaker, and the fire of love burns low to the point of being snuffed out. There is a lack of respect and attention paid to a partner after the glow wears off.
19. Checked out. You stop checking in with your partner, and have checked out of the relationship, instead.
20. No P.D.A. There’s a “no public (or private) display of affection” policy, and the Department of Affection is closed for the day.
21. Guilt energy. “It’s always something…some crisis comes up!” and there’s not much funnin’ and foolin’ around since the work of raising kids is never completely done.
22. Worry wart. Everyone’s focused on loudly playing that good old…worry song.
23. Sex is work. Sexual play has become sexual work, and initiating sex is dreaded for fear of rejection.
24. Role modeling vs. talk muddling. One day will your kids grow up and want a marriage like the one they’ve seen role modeled by you and yours?
25. Feeling unimportant. Feelings of guilt and anger preside over the need for receiving simple signs of positive attention.
26. Clamming up. Whether you are introverted or extroverted, you clam up and don’t feel safe to speak your mind without fearing an angry uprising.
27. Senseless arguing. We make the same tired points and counterpoints that don’t get you anywhere productive or useful.
28. Having any fun, yet? You and your partner aren’t having much fun at all, not feeling at ease vs. dis-eased, hurrying too fast to get to nowhere land.
COUPLE PLEASURING VS. COUPLE POUTING
The opposite of couple pleasure is couple pouting. There’s no way you won’t get frustrated when your adult needs for closeness, companionship, growth and change are thwarted by the self-defeating actions of unintended neglect.
Why talk about a solution to couple suffering, or doing the “couple fix” just once such as a prescribed “date night,” and then stop finding ways to have fun together again. No doubt raising kids is hard…staying loving while raising healthy kids is even harder.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker and author from Dayton, Ohio, USA. He is the author of Talk to Me, Taking the Fear Out of Changing, and No Hard Feelings. His mission is to help companies and couples develop positive and effective communication skills for work and home using the “Talk to Me” program.