Getting clear about confusing communication while seated around the table of communication is the providence of the effective leader, romantic partner, negotiator, effective parent and deal-maker. Unclear communication fosters hard feelings and conflict, while clear communication energizes the team and simplifies problem-solving. If you use this tool, you would say: “Are you saying THAT unclear communication leads to others feeling cut off at the knees, unheard and stewing in resentment?” That’s right, Rambo.
UNSPOKEN LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION: “ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT…”
What “hidden agenda” is woven into the words in a sentence? What is being said without words, but implied, and forcefully implied at that. What isn’t said, but implied, particularly when fear is promulgated, often dictates the outcome of any communication. For example, “I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee…” or “I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you…” Both transactions imply you should fear loss, and that the other shoe may drop sometime very soon.
DIGGING OUT THE HIDDEN AGENDA BY ASKING DIRECTIVE QUESTIONS
Here is the way that CommTool #12 helps you clear up confusing transactions. You get clear about the real message behind the words by “UNCOVERING HIDDEN AGENDAS” when you ask a single, direct question. That clarifying question is “Are you saying THAT…?”
1. Confusing Talk: I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee, but…
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I need to improve my performance at work or my job may be at risk?2. Confusing Talk: I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you have doubts about staying married to me?3. Confusing Talk: You could be doing so much more.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m too lazy and unmotivated?4. Confusing Talk: There you go again worrying!
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m thinking too much about much of nothing?5. Confusing Talk: Why does it always fall to me? Why do I always have to be the one to get things done?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t trust any of us to delegate the tasks to?6. Confusing Talk: You expect me never to make mistakes and always be perfect. Well, I can’t do that.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…since I’m the cause of the problem than I’m the solution to the problem?7. Confusing Talk: This is really frustrating me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m not doing my part to listen in ways to solve the problem?8. Confusing Talk: Why do you always insist on interrupting me in mid-sentence?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m avoiding listening to a painful truth by jumping in and controlling the flow of the conversation?
9. Confusing Talk: I give up because you’re a better debater than me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m arguing my point too forcefully and losing points with you?10. Confusing Talk: I can’t focus long enough to get it done.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m distracting you too much to stay focused on doing the important things first?11. Confusing Talk: Why do you care so much about what others think of you?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m dying trying too hard to get the approval of others who aren’t ever going to like me?
12. Confusing Talk: I know I’m in the wrong here.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…because you’re wrong you’re going to do something differently from here on?13. Confusing Talk: Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m a nit-picking perfectionistic and trying to control you?14. Confusing Talk: Why do I always have to push you to talk to me?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I don’t believe that we can talk without a great, big hassle happening?15. Confusing Talk: Why should I have to change to make you happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t want to change in order to make yourself happy?16. Confusing Talk: All you do is fill my bucket with your complaining.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I take on everybody else’s stuff so I don’t have to focus on myself?17. Confusing Talk: You shouldn’t let it get to you so much.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I should think before I reject myself more after being rejected?18. Confusing Talk: I tell people what I think even if they don’t like it.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t mind hurting others feelings when you’re ticked off and talk out of bounds?19. Confusing Talk: I’m too afraid to fail, and too afraid to succeed, so I act indecisive.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you’ve got “plausible procrastination” and excuse-making down to an art form?20. Confusing Talk: We’re spinning our wheels and going nowhere.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m agreeing to be comfortably stuck in a rut with you again?21. Confusing Talk: Can’t you ever be on time for once?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…my being late is a show of disrespect to you that I’m intending?22. Confusing Talk: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m missing out on something by not agreeing with you and being so negative and too lazy to be positive?23. Confusing Talk: I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s next to impossible to stop.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…although I hear your pont of view that you know very well I don’t agree with you?24. Confusing Talk: Why aren’t you ever satisfied or happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m the leader of my life and in charge of my happiness?25. Confusing Talk: I can’t get my weight under control since my family stress doubled.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I could help you get your stress under better control?
SHOWING UP AND CHOOSING YOUR ATTITUDE
I’m not a dreamer. If a smooth operator wants to stay “veiled” and “hide their agenda” from you, chances are you will be fooled. But at least you will have the pleasure of having the last laugh when their subterfuge is foiled!
I know this all sounds a bit paranoid. BUT I am saying THAT I can’t control what people say, and too often people say what will forward their show while using you as a prop. Hey, no problem. Let’s just be clear about it!
CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS
CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT
CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY
CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED
CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND
CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT
CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT
CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME
CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD
CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR
CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?
CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.