Life is both difficult and wonderful, and that’s probably why someone invented the saying, “It’s always something.” But how often are we unwitting contributors to our own life crises by what we fail to do? In a previous article, I wrote about “the elephant in the room”… namely, a small problem that has become a large one—one that we largely try to ignore through denial. In our denial, we become accustomed to stepping around the elephant, stopping the smell by sticking a clothes pin on our nose, dressing up the beast to look less beast-like, or dousing the unwanted pachyderm in our board room or living room with perfume. Yes, ignoring a problem can feel so good…SO secure…SO-O safe, just before the elephants stampede!
GOT TO BE MR. OR MS. FEELGOOD?
What “elephant in the room” are you trying to ignore? Come on…you know what it is! Have mercy: The reason you and I are so fond of denial is because ignoring a problem (that needs resolving) makes us feel good. But the short-term gain of “feeling good” comes with a hidden price of perpetuated problems or blaming the wrong “problem person” for our woes. The power to change is IN YOU! So why trip up or crash into the elephant, then exclaim in mock surprise: “But I didn’t see it coming…it came out of the blue like a lightning bolt!”
ANONYMOUS NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLL ON “THE DENIAL EXCUSE”
Since you aren’t a dunce, you know ignoring a problem DOES feel good, but it also causes you eventually to get caught in a stampede of stress—one that risks your being trampled to death. What good does it do anyone when you feel flat as a pancake? By the way, one of the reasons I prefer “anonymous” Web polls is that responders aren’t prone to telling an interviewer what they want to hear. There is a freedom to tell the truth no matter how pretty or ugly that personal truth happens to be. So I asked my readers at www.drogrady.com what issue they are currently trying hard to ignore or to sweep under the carpet. Although throwing a rug over a stinky elephant seems quite silly, we all do it at one time or another in our work and personal lives.
WHAT ELEPHANT-SIZE PROBLEM ARE YOU CURRENTLY TRYING TO IGNORE?
Here are the results of the poll that asked: “What elephant-size problem are you currently trying to ignore, hoping it will vanish?” Results are in descending order:
1) Solving a family issue………………..35.29%
2) Personal problem or bad habit…………29.41%
3) A lousy boss…………………….17.65%
4) An unfocused negative co-worker(s)………. 11.76%
5) Need to fire/hire someone at work…………5.88%
6) Bad mood of managing team……………….0.00%
FAMILY AND PERSONAL ISSUES LEAD THE STAMPEDE
Well, here’s even more confirmation that our work behavior is driven by emotions more than logic. And we all bring our personal issues to work and try to manage our intense feelings as we go about our work day. It makes me wonder how many of us are hanging by a thin emotional thread as we competently sit in our meetings and respond to phone messages or e-mail. Indeed, a great deal of emotion swirls around as we try to move through our days effectively and solve problems at work. A stress pipeline flows between home and work and back to home again.
DO YOU HAVE PERSONAL ISSUES?
Who among us doesn’t have personal issues? According to this survey, 64.70% of daily stress that fills up our minds with questions, doubts and anxieties stems from family or personal issues that probably mix together potently. I’m not making excuses here, but how are we supposed to be able to concentrate on complex problem-solving tasks that require a “free mind” when our emotions are swirling around like a rain-swollen river hitting against a dam? Not easy, to be sure. I know, I know. We’re supposed to leave our personal and family issues at home and I suppose the true professional can shrug off problems as they walk through the corporate door. And let’s think thrice: The leaders that we depend on to offer calm in the midst of ever-changing business weather conditions or storms are only human, too.
PROBLEM-SOLVING WHEN YOU FEEL BAD AIN’T EASY
You are a capable human being who needs the support of other capable human beings who aren’t in the current stress stampede in which you find yourself. Executive coaches, professional relationship counselors and spiritual advisors get paid to hear your pain and to be in the helicopter above the dusty elephant stampede, radio-ing instructions to you about which direction is safe. Thus, no man or woman is an island…and we all support each other even in the “incidental things we say” that are motivational and inspirational. More than we realize, we all depend upon one another for more encouragement. Feeling good isn’t all it’s cracked up to be, especially during times that ignoring an impending crisis can doom us or cause more serious problems to befall us.
DON’T TALK ABOUT WHAT YOU FEEL WHEN YOU ARE FEELING BAD?
Feeling good is overrated in our world. There is an explicit shaming of emotions and pinning the tail of shame on the human(s) involved instead of the elephant of a problem. But you saw above that team spirit isn’t the problem. You also saw above that needing to hire or fire someone and a lousy boss isn’t really the BIG problem. Sure, we can point the finger of blame at these “people problems,” but they aren’t the problem. The problem is family issues and personal issues that make us feel bad, and in our feeling bad, our performance is compromised and undercut. Often, doing what feels good IS the problem, and choosing to do what makes us feel bad is the solution. It’s reverse psychology in action. That’s why I think “sensitivity training” and “emotional responsibility” are part and parcel of every leadership development package. They’re often the overlooked “small keys” that open the “big doors” of change.
HOW CAN I HELP YOU TODAY?
The purpose in hiring an executive, self-esteem or family relations communication coach is to steady your nerves. It’s priceless, not pricey, because you are then able to center yourself again in order to take tough or difficult decisions—and commit to taking new actions that solve old problems instead of encouraging these elephants to live where they don’t belong. True, effective change doesn’t feel good at the start, but at least you won’t be blind-sided or run over by a stress stampede. Remember this: Feeling good or being an “optimizer” doesn’t mean that an elephant-sized stress is going to disappear anytime soon through some Houdini magic act. Encourage yourself to “feel bad,” because feeling bad is brave and encourages you to make “baby steps” to solve a problem (one you are going to eventually trip over anyway) …one that can break your leg and even your life and spirit.
After all, life is supposed to be both difficult and wonder-full.
ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady thinks if it looks like an elephant, smells like an elephant and moves like an elephant, then it certainly is an elephant, and if he could, he’d administer that elephant a test to find out if it’s an Empathizer or Instigator elephant! He’s also the author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, and founder of New Insights Communication.
Previous New Insights Communication Polls have included “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?” Read more about these challenging, growth producing topics, and other topics of personal and relationship interest here four minutes every day of the week to make change happen fast and last.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states.