You’ve already got a very long “to do” list at work but your boss (wife/husband) calls you with something new and pressing for you to do. You think about the Stephen Covey time management rule that says you should stick to doing what’s important…not run around like a chicken with your head cut off doing what’s urgent. But you want to please your boss, and you want to be viewed as a positive and effective communicator on the team…a positive person who doesn’t make waves and ably surfs huge waves of stress. So should you “Just Say No?” or should you respect that little voice hollering in your ear: “Oh, my God, I won’t ever be able to get this all done and remain even half-way sane, but I’ve got to try anyway to please the boss so I’ll say Yes!”
WHEN YOU SAY NO, DO YOU FEEL BAD, WORRIED, NERVOUS OR GUILTY?
You have the right to say “no, maybe, or yes” to any request. That’s your call. BUT I’d like to know if you’re being too good for own good, you sensitive and empathetic souls out there! How to know: Do you have trouble saying “no” when “no” might be the “right” answer to give? Or, do you apologize a lot when you “say no,” making you appear wishy-washy, confused or weak? Not good. Know this: In my “Talk to Me” program, Empathizer communicators (E-types) struggle with saying “no” without feeling guilty. In contrast, Instigator communicators think people who can’t say “no” are weak.
WHAT E-TYPES SAY TO I-TYPES WHEN “NO” IS THE RIGHT ANSWER
It’s time for you sensitive Empathizer-type communicators to stop going along to get along with Instigator-type communicators, because when you go along, you’re more likely to fail at delivering positive results. These “directive statements” may seem loud, brash or pushy, but they are simply authentic, effective and truthful. Some ways to “just say no” to “strong-willed I-types” without making an enemy and in ways I-types will understand:
1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE. This is heard by I-types as a “reality check” and “taking the pulse” of what is wished for vs. what is feasible.
2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND? This is heard by I-types as a challenge to re-check their thinking and priorities and to do a cost-benefit analysis.
3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON. This is heard by I-types as a genuine statement of how much work is unfairly falling on the shoulders of one person. I-types know it’s not fair to assign all the work to a single workhorse in the organization.
4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE. This is heard by I-types as a report that you are stretched to the limit and need to be emotionally honest without belly-aching.
5. I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED/EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN. This is heard by I-types as a form of negotiation to iron out the details. It’s a form of record-keeping.
6. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL. This is not heard as complaining by I-types but instead is perceived as a call for back-up.
7. THE RIGHT ANSWER IS NO, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THAT. I-types respect when you are right on the dot to take more self-responsibility for your own happiness.
8. DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE. I-types hear this as a warning to keep the big picture in mind, not get cocky, and make small corrections in the flight course to arrive at the goal destination.
9. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. This is heard by I-types as a direct confrontation that they are not “up to speed” or do not have the necessary information to make the proper decision. They will want to understand what’s wrong and what’s not working right.
10. I NEED HELP TO DO THIS. This isn’t heard by I-types as a weakness but as a warning that special conditions exist and need to be addressed to make the desired results and outcomes happen on timeline.
11. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES. I-types like to be in control of the process. They don’t mind mistakes as much as they dislike being “caught off guard” by “bad news that comes out of the blue.”
12. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? This alerts I-types to expect trouble in this project, such as, unexpected delays or difficult financial choices or people.
WHAT’S THE POINT?
Remember my dear E-types: I-types will respect you when you “talk pointedly” and assertively. The transactions above are GENUINE and not “too pushy” or “too negative” or “too loud.” If results matter, then being an accurate reporter of what is or isn’t possible stacks the career deck and romantic show in your favor. Just you try it a few times and see!
HERE’S WHY ONE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR COULDN’T SAY NO
E-types like to be liked and they hate disappointing others. They often go along to get along which often doesn’t result in good things happening. One of my male E-type clients had this to say about his fear of letting others down:
“I hate saying ‘no’ so I over-promise even when I have a million things on my plate. If I simply said ‘I can’t do it now’ I would be far better off. But I can’t say no because I don’t want to disappoint other people. I feel bad promising what I know I won’t be able to deliver on, and this results in my letting others down who get miffed with me. I should say ‘no’ but I don’t usually have the nerve to.
“I say ‘yes’ a lot in my relationship when I would rather say ‘no thanks…or no, not now.’ I take a backseat to the relationship, and my partner doesn’t respect me. What’s so perverse is that I create results that are the opposite of my intentions! By trying so VERY hard not disappoint anyone, I disappoint them all the more. After I’m ‘caught,’ I will justify and make excuses to cover my tracks…and even lie. And I’m not a liar!
“Bottom line: If I help people all the time, I think I will be liked. When I’m liked…I feel happy. So little-by-little, I keep giving people what they want. Then people at work and my relationship partner see me as ‘weak’ and ‘lacking responsibility and accountability’ because I don’t keep my word.”
Agreeing to avoid appearing disagreeable is a disaster waiting to happen.
IF YOU CAN’T SAY NO, CAN YOU REALLY MEAN YES?
If you can’t say “no” when you want to, can you really mean “yes” when you say so? Being a people pleaser displeases people a lot. And besides, what’s in it for you? Are you afraid of being seen as negative or losing the respect of someone if you don’t say ‘yes?’ The reverse psychology: In truth, Instigator communicators appreciate and respect you more when they can’t run over you.
AGREEING TO GO ALONG TO GET ALONG
Actually, this could be a pattern of nice people “agreeing to go along to get along” but not able to handle what already was on their plate. Sometimes, “no” is the best answer for all concerned. Understanding your communicator type, and your co-communicator’s type, can free you up to talk positively about negative things and set needed boundaries so you don’t go nuts from overwork and under-pleasuring yourself.
SO WHEN YOUR PLATE IS FULL AND OVER-FLOWING
So don’t agree to do what isn’t humanly possible for you when you have a million things on your plate and your plate is full and over-flowing unto your communicator table. So simply “say yes to yourself,” and “say no when no is the right answer” to keep your light shining bright to the benefit of everyone.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” for the all the right reasons and being a negative person, and they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. He’s a professional keynote speaker who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”