Does your romantic partner get that glassy-eyed and not listen to a dad-blasted thing you’re saying? Or does a disagreement cause you to slide down to the bottom rung on the ladder of loving relationships? And are you just plain mystified how a conversation can get so far off track SO fast?
Let me guess: When there’s a communication breakdown, you and your partner often take the junk out of your trunk to throw at each other, right? Then your emotions zoom too fast around the relationship track, causing your sleek bright blue and burnt orange communicator cars to collide. Feelings communicate…what?
WHAT DO YOUR FEELINGS COMMUNICATE POSITIVELY?
There are four modes of communication. The Emotions mode (E) is the favorite driving lane of Empathizer or E-type communicators. What E-types know for sure about the positive side of feelings:
1. Feelings communicate (help heal)
2. Feelings suggest urgency (prompt needed action)
3. Feelings give color to experience (empathy)
4. Feelings are constructive (make good things happen)
5. Feelings are welcome (serve as a bright welcome mat to visitors coming to your door)
6. Feelings communicated openly lead the way to closeness (peace of mind and effectiveness)
WHO OR WHAT IS DRIVING YOUR COMMUNICATOR CAR?
Much of adult life still runs from the Emotions (E) mode, and that includes actions DRIVEN by fear, guilt, hurt, shame, danger, anger, and “knee-jerk-me-jerk” reactionary miscommunication. Worry, jealousy, impatience, embarrassment and anxiety make you drive in a fog…drive blind while moving too fast when you ought to slow down on the two-way communicator highway.
WHAT DO FEELINGS OF SHAME MISCOMMUNICATE?
BUT not every story about emotions is pleasant and sparkling. There is a dark, negative, flip-side, to every emotion you will encounter. Harsh fact: you can be paranoid of emotions because emotions have been used to club you into submission. What Instigator-type communicators, or I-types, know for sure about emotions–and why they don’t want emotions to run away with their minds:
1. Feelings miscommunicate (lead to hurt)
2. Feelings suggest emergency (stall out needed action and cause spinning of relationship wheels)
3. Feelings make you bleed the color of red (shame-based emotions)
4. Feelings are destructive (make bad things happen)
5. Feelings are terrifying (serve as red flags)
6. Feelings miscommunicated in closed ways lead the way to distancing (anxiety and ineffectiveness)
Do you live in this negative viewpoint of the dark-side of emotions? Is fear or hate the most negative emotion of all…or is the numbness that comes from a rejection of genuine emotions?
IF YOU’VE GOT A BIG, EMPTY SPOT
Miscommunication predictably lead people to erect walls, heartache, anger, and unproductive fights or to hide away in a broom closet hugging up to brooms. Missed communication opportunities lead to feeling like you’ve got a big, empty spot in your gut. Then defensiveness and stubbornness set in, as you and I feel and give less, as in: “I’m not going to let you get to me. Ya’ can’t take nothin’ from a hollow log.”
PUSHED OUT OF THE TRIBE…TALK TO ME
Used as a visual metaphor, miscommunication is like being thrown out of the tribe in the wilderness when no one else is looking. Alone, you have little chance of surviving in the wilderness. The “Talk to Me” communication system will help you thrive in the wilderness and start a new tribe! It will rapidly teach you how to communicate powerful feelings less hurtfully and more helpfully!
KNOWING THE FOUR TALK MODES SINCE YOU ARE IN THE DRIVER’S SEAT OF YOUR LIFE
What’s up to you? Knowing the four modes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors, and Talks…and how they work in the world of talk. Not knowing the four talk modes is akin to driving a car without the modes of park, drive, reverse gear and lo/high gear. So memorize (in order) the four modes of communication and use them to the advantage of all today.
UNDERSTANDING VS. RESENTING
Do you create understanding vs. resenting by living this positive viewpoint of emotions? Most of us normal folk can’t seen to do it for long. Love is the most positive emotion of all…the compassion and wisdom to accept others as they really are. Not an easy journey, Frodo. So learn how to use the four modes of communication to your advantage today!
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS TRAINER AND RELATIONSHIP COACH DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a meeting and organizational keynote speaker and professional psychologist from Dayton, Ohio. He is a husband and father to three daughters (two are teenagers), and the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady provides positive and effective workplace communications on a wide-variety of topics, including: “You’ve Got Nothing To Worry About.”