Beliefs that ZAP Teamwork

A negatalker is addicted to negative chatter that zaps teamwork. Are you a legend in your own mind? Perhaps you’ve been zapped and your energy has been sapped by this zinger: “You’re not listening. Why do you always have to be SO negative?” When someone says that to you, the attempt is to make you feel bad for disagreeing with the speaker.

YOU’RE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN OPINION

Aren’t you entitled to your own opinion, though, without being conversationally beat up? Of course you are! Your “zapper” would be more honest and direct to say, “Please don’t be honest with me, and please don’t tell me what you’re truly thinking and feeling because you’re really making me uncomfortable and anxious.”

WHY YOU CATCH MORE FLIES WITH HONEY THAN VINEGAR

Whoa! Perhaps no one ever shared with guilt trippers that they can catch more flies with honey than vinegar. I believe you get more positive by being positive, and that negative begets negative. Unproductive communicators who are afraid and unaware of their feelings, both negative and positive, talk and behave in ineffective ways that inadvertently zap teamwork at work and home. Negatalkers hammer you with, “It’s my way or the highway!” which is one-way communication of the worst kind.

THE PROPAGANDA OF PESSIMISM

Are you trying to exert control via a cynical attitude? Here are a few things to know about negative talking that blocks and closes down creativity:

  • Negative talking derails teamwork by dragging good deeds through the mud.
  • Negative talking assassinates new ideas.
  • Negative talking makes you and I act dumb and goofy.
  • Negative talking promotes the kind of thinking that says, “I/we’re so smart and right and our customers are a pain in the neck and SO wrong!”

(Here’s a refreshing thought: Why not talk positively for a change about/to the very people who butter your bread, valued people such as your boss, spouse, co-worker, customer, child or all of the above?)

ENERGY DRAINERS AND CHANGE ZAPPERS

Negative talking that demotes optimism and promotes pessimism via the twin villains (or sycophants) of Fear and Anger to flourish in the workplace and home occur when you and I:

(-) Put grease on the squeaky wheel BUT don’t change the oil in the car
(-) Think of yourself or others as too “chicken” to change
(-) Stay too busy to think outside the box
(-) Fix what isn’t broken…and don’t fix what is broken
(-) Keep grousing or listening to listless griping
(-) Make excuses and take excuses
(-) Only do what you’re told to do
(-) Stir the pot for some cheap entertainment
(-) Cause trouble to make you and your job seem more important
(-) Worry about what people will think or say
(-) Work hard only when others are watching
(-) Be cynical, steal credit, crucify compliments
(-) Play the blame game zealously
(-) Pat on the back popular people who are idiots
(-) Put off feeling happy until your life’s humming along perfectly
(-) Keep a death grip on the status quo
(-) Keep on wanting what you don’t have…and not wanting what you do have
(-) Run frantically on the “I don’t have the time!” treadmill
(-) Worship being smart or right instead of wise
(-) Go along with “group think” to cement your job or to get along
(-) Keep procrastinating by doing what’s important last
(-) Mindlessly salute negative belief systems that don’t work
(-) Believe “poise under pressure” is futile
(-) Fail to take healthy risks by fearing failure
(-) Keep on doing what doesn’t work
(-) Close your mind to facts while opening your mind to fear
(-) Keep key information sequestered
(-) Don’t share your true experience to make change happen
(-) Hide the truth behind a smokescreen of propaganda and rhetoric
(-) Be too bored to try something different
(-) Sound negative when positive results occur
(-) Spurn healthy disagreement
(-) Spend lots of money to feel good or powerful
(-) Go home burned up and used out…and then yell at the cat, dog, kids
(-) Don’t try anything new that will change your mind about your negative thinking

A CHAIR TO CHEER FOR CHANGE

Every boardroom and kitchen table ought to hold an empty chair designated for the respected colleague and beloved family member or partner called “positive change.” Personal success means telling the whole truth and respecting the need for growth and change-not keeping a death grip on the status quo and padding the box you keep yourself in.

DROOPING MORALE … BOOSTING YOUR MOOD

I personally need to practice mood managing because I can become impatient and surly when I’m around close minded thinkers and pessimistic speakers. For instance, I’ve never much cared for negative chat or idle water-cooler chatter that wastes my time and yours by putting down workers or customers who do good things to keep a company or family afloat. In fact, that’s why I personally use the Talk to Me system that boosts mood and drives positive and effective communication.

DO YOU LOOK A GIFT HORSE IN THE MOUTH AND THEN PULL ITS’ TEETH?

Are you a Positalker? Of course you are! You are thankful … grateful … peaceful … and you accept a gift horse without looking at its’ teeth. In contrast, Negatalkers look a gift horse in the mouth, and then pull out the horses’ teeth! Don’t let a Negatalker put preconceived notions in your mind about what will or won’t work in your life. You must judge the effectiveness of positive thinking and speaking tools. Why not instead be brave of heart and talk positively for a change of scenery?

GOOD TALK ISN’T CHEAP…IT’S PRICELESS

The best way to enjoy living in the present and controlling what you can is to worry less about what you have precious little control over — namely, naysayers and the negative beliefs they worship. Stand up to negative people and speak the positive. Stand up for good communication that drives positive change!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis E. O’Grady has a B.S. degree (Bull _hit degree) from Pessimism University, also known as PU, where he received a 4.5 (out of 4) G.P.A. in his Bad Attitudes studies. Dennis went on to receive his E.S. degree (Elephant _hit degree) from PU, in the Psychology of Digging Holes So Big You Can Fly Planes Into Them. After jumping into many holes of his own digging, as well as some dug by others, Dr. O’Grady received his B.O.N.K.A (Being Optimistic Never Killed Anybody) degree from the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Ralph Real (also an alumnus of P.U.), in his Pessimism Street Journal review of Dr. O’Grady’s third book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, gave the book a thumbs and toes down, while sticking his nose up in the air. Real went on to say: It’s a stupid book. Just another ‘fake it until you make it’ treatise on why it’s better to feel bad than good. The author seeks to line his pockets at the expense of big newspapers like this one. This is just another example of why you can’t fix stupid. So if you’re smart…you’ll think like me…Ralph Real. O’Grady had only one thing to say in rebuttal: Being Optimistic Never Killed Anybody!

Mind Control: NOT That I’m Saying You Don’t Communicate Enough

You’re not being paranoid if you think somebody is trying to control your mind! Lots of people try to influence your thinking and hypnotically entice you to be a friend by acquiescing to or agreeing with their viewpoint or “opinionizing.”  If you’re curious about mind control, then read on.

MIND CONTROL IS DOUBLE-SPEAK

Mind control is double-speak, or a talker inserting suggestive directives into your unguarded mind as if they are the gospel truth. Who’s minding your mind? Imagine if you will, that your mind openly lends its full attention to (and literally soaks up) the words that follow the use of the word “NOT.”

As in…”NOT that I’m saying you’re selfish!”

That statement suggests to a listener that he/she is expected to behave in selfish and self-centered ways. How’s that for some slick, tricky talking? Plus, any sentence that immediately follows the word NOT will be amplified, and thus be an action command inserted into your mind like a computer chip. Whoa, Nelly!

ANY SENTENCE, SENTIMENT OR DIRECTIVE THAT FOLLOWS THE WORD “NOT” IS AN AMPLIFIED COMMAND

Mind control is so simple and effective that it can make you queasy. But some of the sparring practices below can help you better understand this disarming technique.

Communication
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you don’t ever talk to me. I’m just saying you don’t communicate enough.
Mind Control: “You don’t ever talk to me AND you don’t communicate enough!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to communicate effectively with me.

Emotional Intelligence
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re nuts. I’m just saying you don’t make any sense.
Mind Control: “You’re nuts AND you don’t make any sense!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to disagree with me or be who you are.

Age
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re too old. I’m just saying you can’t teach old dogs new tricks.
Mind Control: “You’re too old AND you can’t teach old dogs new tricks!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to change and grow.

Worry
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re a worry wart. I’m just saying there’s nothing you can do about it.
Mind Control: “You’re a worry wart AND there’s nothing you can do about it!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to feel relaxed or to calm yourself down.

Stress
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you don’t have a right to be upset. I’m just saying you’re dwelling on it too much.
Mind Control: “You don’t have a right to be upset AND you’re dwelling on it too much!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to deal with or discuss your emotions constructively.

Anger
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you shouldn’t be mad. I’m just saying you act like a hothead when you’re ticked off.
Mind Control: “You shouldn’t be mad AND you act like a hothead when you’re ticked off!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to use anger assertively.

Time
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re lazy. I’m just saying you waste time.
Mind Control: “You’re lazy AND you waste time!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to make enough time to get anything important done.

Money
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you are a spendthrift. I’m just saying you think money grows on trees.
Mind Control: “You are a spendthrift AND you think money grows on trees!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to use money in responsible ways.

Happiness
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you can’t be happy. I’m just saying you don’t appreciate what you’ve got.
Mind Control: “You can’t be happy AND you don’t appreciate what you’ve got!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to feel satisfied and contented here and now.

Complaining
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re a big, whiny baby. I’m just saying you’re too negative for your own good.
Mind Control: “You’re a big, whiny baby AND you’re too negative for your own good!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to lead your life or change without pressure.

Unfair Fights
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re wrong. I’m just saying you take things too personally.
Mind Control: “You’re wrong AND you take things too personally!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to be trustworthy before you speak.

Conflict
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you shouldn’t speak up. I’m just saying you’re pushing too hard for control.
Mind Control: “You shouldn’t speak up AND you’re pushing too hard for control!”
Relationship Command: I don’t expect to resolve dissatisfactions in this relationship.

Men/Women
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying men are better than women. I’m just saying men are naturally better at many things.
Mind Control: “Men are better than women AND men are naturally better at many things!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect to get along with the opposite sex.

Selfishness
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re selfish. I’m just saying it’s always about you.
Mind Control: “You’re selfish AND it’s always about you!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect give-and-take in our relationship.

Civility
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re rude. I’m just saying if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all.
Mind Control: “You’re rude AND if you don’t have anything nice to say then don’t say anything at all!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to be honest, open and ethical when it might hurt me.

Stupidity
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you’re stupid. I’m just saying that what you did wasn’t too smart.
Mind Control: “You’re stupid AND what you did wasn’t too smart!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect you to think before you speak.

Givers/Takers
Double-Speak: NOT that I’m saying you aren’t trying. I’m just saying you take more than you give.
Mind Control: “You aren’t trying AND you take more than you give!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect equal effort in a relationship.

Prosperity
Double-Speak: NOT that saying that money brings happiness. I’m just saying money makes feeling miserable a whole lot more tolerable.
Mind Control: “Money brings happiness AND money makes feeling miserable a whole lot more tolerable!”
Relationship Directive: I don’t expect love to rule in a relationship.

NOT THAT I’M SAYING YOU’RE A GREAT COMMUNICATOR WHO USES THE PSYCHOLOGY OF LEADERSHIP TALK TOOLS TO BE MORE EFFECTIVE

“Mean what you say, and say what you mean,” I say. Don’t give others a sideways insult. And don’t tell me what you aren’t saying. Instead, simply tell me what you are saying.

NOT that I’m saying someone can take your mind off guard with a simple, single word. NOT me!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Dr. O’Grady leads workshops, and provides leadership executive coaching and business consulting, about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.”

What IF? Worry Less to Enjoy Life More

Do you ever play the “What IF…” game with a friend, family member or even alone with yourself inside your own skull? I bet you do. You think about what would have happened, what would be different, what would have changed…if only. Why do people play “What IF…?”

PUTTING YOUR MIND OVER YOUR MOOD

They try to put mind over mood. Namely, people try to control nominal anxieties by thinking about them, manipulating them in their minds. Too much thinking, though, forms a downward energy drain or vortex. Think anew about the “What IF…” game this way: “As I worry about my future, I fail to enjoy or experience today my way!”

FEAR ROBS YOU OF A PRICELESS POSSESSION NAMED PEACE OF MIND

Yes, I know, fear is a thief that tries to rob you of a priceless possession named peace of mind. Fear of past hurt, fear of the unknown, fear of failing, fear of not knowing what exactly is going to happen, fear of whether you will be able to cope with stress events or not, even fear of fear makes you lose your way in a stinky emotional swamp that smells bad.

NOTHING TO FEAR, INCLUDING FEAR

What IF…You have nothing to fear-including fear. What if you can feel the fear and relax anyway? Can you put your mind over your mood? Of course, you can.

PLAYING THE “WHAT IF…” GAME

Some wise gal/guy wisdom I recently heard: “The past is a guiding post, not a hitching post!” Here are some ruminatively crooned “What IF…” thoughts that I frequently hear in my coaching and counseling sessions:

1. What IF…?
2. What IF I lose my job?
3. What IF I blow it?
4. What IF I don’t get there on time?
5. What IF I can’t handle it?
6. What IF I can’t get to sleep?
7. What IF I’m wrong?
8. What IF I say the wrong thing?
9. What IF I can’t have what I’ve always wanted?
10. What IF I’m criticized?
11. What IF I make a fool of myself?
12. What IF I/they never change?
13. What IF I can’t recover from the loss?
14. What IF I forget something?
15. What IF I run into somebody I don’t want to see?
16. What IF it doesn’t work out as planned?
17. What IF I hurt their feelings?
18. What IF I can’t get over being so bothered by this?
19. What IF I lose my temper?
20. What IF I they learn of my struggles?
21. What IF I get into trouble?
22. What IF I can’t change?

What are your favorite “What IFS…?” What are the “ifs” that you use to drive yourself nuts (as if you don’t have enough to worry about already?) My main point: “What IFS…” make you unduly fearful of an unknown future that won’t ever turn out the way you think it will be.

GO OUT AND PLAY THE GAME OF LIFE

Why get all long-faced, glum and worried about what might happen to you that you dislike? Let’s go out and play the game of life, instead, and have a little bit of fun for a change while we’re at it.

LETTING GO OF “WHAT IF…”

To relax, try on some new ways of thinking when you are running yourself down and out of energy, mindfulness and playfulness. Here are the previous What IFS turned inside out:

1. What IF I can let go of worry?
2. What IF I gain new skills?
3. What IF I make change happen?
4. What IF I enjoy the ride?
5. What IF I handle the old stress in new ways?
6. What IF I let go and put my mind in pleasant places?
7. What IF I’m right on target?
8. What IF I say something really inspiring?
9. What IF I have what I’ve always wanted and more?
10. What IF I’m complimented and joked with?
11. What IF I feel relaxed and proud of myself?
12. What IF I live a conscious life of continuing growth and change?
13. What IF I can recover quickly from a loss?
14. What IF I don’t worry about what I don’t have?
15. What IF I reach out to people I would like to know better?
16. What IF I try something new and it works out better than planned?
17. What IF I speak up and what I say helps?
18. What IF I don’t feel bothered by what they say or do?
19. What IF I talk about difficulties without losing my cool?
20. What IF I don’t care if they know my troubles?
21. What IF I tell the truth when I talk?
22. What IF I don’t make myself nuts or nervous?

Now how do you feel? When you let go of the “What IF…” game, you untie yourself from the past and let yourself live in the present while simultaneously keeping your nose out of your own future business.

LETTING GO OF FRETTING

Yes, by letting go of fretting, or trying to control your future, you will be surprised at the gifts that the present gives you to unwrap. So stay relaxed, stay focused, don’t over-react, live in the moment, don’t regret the past and play a little bit in the present moment for a change of pace.

LETTING THE PAST BE PAST

Here is a spin on the “What IF…” game that I ask you to play around with in your mind during the next few days:

(+) WHAT IF I stop playing the “What IF…” game?
(+) What IF I can change?
(+) Do I perform up to my own level of competency?
(+) Do I relax more and worry less when I turn my worry shirt inside out?
(+) When I don’t treat the future as an “urgent emergency,” what happens to me?
(+) Do I feel more confident, centered and contented when I “worry not?”
(+) Will I be more connected to people, more open-minded and easy to talk to?
(+) What new places then will I/you/we go?

When you “let the past be past,” something unexpected and different happens. Likewise, letting the future be what it will be frees you up to move out of the boxes that at times feel like prison cells without doors.

WHAT, ME WORRY?

“Why not worry?” you ask yourself? Because worry steals your life energy by selling you on this lie: “If you can’t control certain situations and if you can’t control events or people-worrying is the way to go.” Worry not: The sun of positive skull talk will rent the fog and you will open, not close; flow, not block; clarify, not confuse; talk, not blame; facilitate, not inhibit; evoke, not provoke; and assert, not divert. When you move outside your worry box, growth and change are embraced for the improvement of all…beginning and ending with you.

Like a sign in the local business door window, either your communication with yourself (and others) is “open” for business or “closed.” Which will you be NOW?

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a psychologist and executive leadership coach and relationship communication coach from Dayton, Ohio, who is the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.

Gender No Longer The Quarterback on the Communication Playing Field

In a landmark 2005 New Insights Communication study, I tested and interviewed 160 individuals from all walks of life to determine their communicator style. I found that 40% of all communicators are Empathizers (E-types), while 60% of all communicators are Instigators (I-types).

You can find out your communicator type easily by “Taking the Test” on this site. Understanding your communicator type makes effective communication simple, and miscommunication far more uncommon.

Furthermore, a provocative finding was that men and women are about equally divided or represented between the two groups. Thus, men are more sensitive as co-communicators about half of the time, while women are more insensitive as co-communicators half of the time. Talk about a talk turn-around on the two-way communication highway!

There is a good chance too that your partner or co-communicator at home or at work, might just be your opposite communicator type. No worries, mate. This doesn’t become a problem unless you don’t know who you’re talking to.

When you are experiencing an ongoing difficulty or conflict with a talk partner, there is a very good chance that the “difficult” person is your opposite communicator type. Now that you know your type, go back down the list of opposing traits in my article “Are You a Sensitive or Insensitive Communicator?” and guess what type of communicator your life partner happens to be.

Are You A Sensitive or Insensitive Communicator?

For years, well-meaning relationship pundits have falsely proclaimed (there, I’ve said it!) that men and women are destined to be at odds forever because they use completely different (and semi-incomprehensible) talk languages with one another.

What a bunch of hooey…and I can prove it! Using gender as the reason for poor communication, in my opinion, is a mealy-mouthed excuse that pummels the planet of communication like a meteorite storm, sending all good men and women scurrying for shelter when instead they should be searching for better communication tools.

Tools, I can offer!

Two New Communicator Types: The Empathizers and Instigators

I have discovered two brand new communicator types. You are either an Empathizer communicator (E-type) or an Instigator communicator (I-type).

These communicator styles have nothing to do with your gender, background, age, race, stress coping style, introversion/extroversion personality and the like. The type of communicator you are makes a world of difference in the real world of positive vs. negative communication. You can avoid many divisions and collisions when you understand your talk type and your opposing communicator’s type.

So let’s talk! Are you ready to take a quick test to determine your heretofore hidden communicator type? In the future, would you skillfully like to steer around talk collisions, hard feelings, misunderstandings and relationship power plays between the sexes? Fine, just honestly answer this single simple question:

Are you more sensitive or insensitive? Yes, I tend to be…

If you answered, “Yes, I tend to be a sensitive communicator” to the question above, then chances are you are an Empathizer (E-type) communicator.

If you answered, “Yes, I tend to be more insensitive when it comes to communication,” then chances are you are an Instigator (I-type) communicator.

It matters not if you are a boy or a girl, rich or poor, young or elder. This isn’t some gimmick. I promise you that knowing the type of communicator you are will make a world of difference in helping you get along with anyone through effective communication. Make no mistake about it: You will avoid many feuds and fights when you use this easy-to-learn new theory.