How “IT’S NOT FAIR!” IS Supremely Fair

Child says: “IT’S not fair!”
Parent responds: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

I am often at a loss for words when one of my young daughters forcefully exclaims: “IT’S not fair dad!” Other variations to this tune that make me cringe are: “That’s not fair!” or “That’s not VERY fair!” or “How would that make you feel?” After all, saying “Life isn’t fair!” is akin to saying “Fish need water.” It doesn’t add anything useful to the dialogue at all.

Sad to say, I’m not a child psychologist. I work with adults and teens. In my childhood past, the parental comeback shot at me by my well-meaning parents when I was a kid experiencing the same consternation or disappointment was: “Life isn’t fair, Denny!” Or, “Who said life is supposed to be fair? It’s not!” Most disheartening was: “Life’s NOT supposed to be fair…so you had better get used to it son!” Those well-meaning parent-responses had the effect of adding to my frustration and dismay.

When I repeat the same negative retort “Who said life is supposed to be fair?!” to my kids nothing much different happens. “Life’s not supposed to be fair!” didn’t work for me and it won’t work for my girls. There’s a better way. Why not break from the past…break past chains…break free and say something entirely new that is useful while respecting the emotions of the griper and groaner? Empathy works better than sarcastic exasperation on most days, doesn’t it?

I have been experimenting with a thought-provoking comeback that has proven helpful in the trenches. SO…when you once more hear from anyone (including yourself) that “IT’S not fair!” try this:

Child says: “IT’S not fair!”

Parent responds: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Don’t get me wrong. Said with sincerity, the distraught child will stop in their tracks and think about IT for a change. What’s encouraged is empathy for the disappointment, encouragement that the child still has options and that staying frustrated is a choice, recognition that all of us must work through our disappointments without going nuts or making matters worse than they already are. One life skill that our kids need to know is how to handle discouragement without giving up…to get on with options that might bring renewed satisfaction.

WWhoa! Feel the difference. One more time…this time dedicated to your child-self. In your skull talk, do you say “It’s just not fair?!” Here’s the new transaction to try on for size the next time you hear yourself lament: “Life isn’t fair…Life isn’t treating me the way I expect it to!”

Disappointed child-self says: “IT’S not fair!”

Understanding adult-self says: “You’re right…It’s not fair. The FAIR comes around once in the summer!”

Thanks go to one of my communication who shared those pearls of wisdom with me. They seem to be working pretty darn well in my family!

“Life’s NOT fair!” isn’t a fair retort. You may not have the body of a nude Brittany Spears or the financial wealth-building skills of pirate Orlando Bloom…BUT you do get better every single day by being the one and only you. And that FAIR comes every day of your life!

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “Taking the Fear out of Changing” and TALK TO ME at www.drogrady.com

Use Positive Talk-Listen-Talk Tools

Make Time To Talk

You will get tips galore to pump up your spirits when they have been flattened by the sharp nail of “bad” communication here. My pick of the top 12 listening/talking skills to drive skillfully and sanely on the two-way communicator highway are:

  1. Listen with three ears
  2. Don’t confuse critical feedback with personal criticism
  3. Treat people you dislike kindly
  4. Like change
  5. Ask open-ended questions…then LISTEN
  6. When you need to say goodbye…say why
  7. Keep your word
  8. Repeat what you think you heard
  9. Go the extra (S)mile when you feel down
  10. Tell the emotional truth without censorship or shame
  11. Adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator type
  12. Respect that “chatter is cheap” while “talk is expensive”

If your talks are full of conflict, “warm and fuzzy feelings” you’re accustomed to at work will be replaced by cold shoulders, and the “warm and fuzzies” at home will evolve into turned backs in bed.

And like it or not: When a cold wind blows through the home of work or the home of love…we seek warmer fires to comfort ourselves by.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone

The Two-Way Communicator Highway

“What can I do to communicate more effectively?”

You are asking the right question when you focus on cleaning up your side of the two-way talk street.

My new book, TALK TO ME, will show you how to talk effectively and constructively about anything to get good results–especially “emotionally sensitive” topics and issues. Excellent communicators can talk about anything without losing their cool most of the time.

Co-communicators or partners who can’t “talk about anything” without dropping guilt bombs on one another will suffer the fallout of shame. Namely, the couple won’t thrive and will risk ending their partnership or ending up in an expensive divorce that doesn’t teach anyone to get along better or talk more positively. And they still can’t talk effectively about feelings or problems that need solving such as the use or abuse of money!

Bad Talks Result in No Intimacy

Good talk isn’t cheap chatter…IT’s priceless!

Respect that “Empty chatter is cheap while good talk is expensive!” and you will drive far on the two-way communicator highway and not tire.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME

CommTool #1: “You’ve said that already!”

How To Make Your Point Without Making an Enemy
Good communication tools build back up levels of personal confidence that have been flattened by stress.

What’s UP: Today’s featured communication tool is used when a talk antagonist is trying to wear you down in order to make you agree with them. NOT fair.

Money Talks

Imagine you are having another talk with your partner who is critizing you about your fiscal irresponsibility. This is the 1,000th time you’ve heard the same refrain. This may be a good time for CommTool #1: “You’ve said that already!”

Here we go…one more time you hear your partner saying:

You’ve got to understand how I feel about your spending habits. I feel you’ve lost control and you’re going to spend us into the grave. You know money doesn’t grow on trees. You’ve GOT TO AGREE with me that you have a BIG problem with plastic. You win and get your way by busting the budget. You don’t think twice about the amount of money you’re spending!”

YOUR RESPONSE: “You’ve said that already!”

When someone tries to wear you down by making the same tired argument over and over and over again, try saying: “You’ve said that already…SO what’s your point?!”

Maybe something different might happen…maybe it won’t…but you will feel saner and stronger. Disallow anyone from wearing your down with their interrogative talk techniques meant to control you and y/our response.

Once last time: “You’ve said that already! We’ve gone over this before. SO what’s your point?”

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone

Marriage: ‘Til Debt Do Us Part

“Couples have tough calls to make–yet many don’t talk about finances.”

A lead article today in USA TODAY discussed how many couples don’t talk effectively about money. Seems that sex is an easier topic to talk about, although good communication seems as rare in marriage as clean air these days.

As a communications psychologist, I’ve learned that “satisfaction with communication” is directly and powerfully linked to a partner’s overall and emotional and physical health. Thus, the consequences of “I just can’t talk to my partner about….” are staggering and monumental for both Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators alike.

  • Miscommunication or no communication dims the inner light of an E-type or Empathizer communicator who burns out emotionally when talks don’t work to change anyone
  • Missed or no communication drains the physical battery of an I-type or Instigator communicator who burns up physically when talks don’t fix problems

Control Freaks: “My money is MY money…and your money is MY money!” is a benchmark of a controlling relationship. Love doesn’t thrive where control lives.

“Why can’t we talk now?”

Why can’t we talk without shame and blame interfering causing a standoff? Why don’t we talk about money… sex… religion… politics… elders… dreams… disagreements, etc. far more easily and free of power plays that distance co-communicators? You and I don’t talk because we fear making a partner mad or hurt and turning him/her into an anger communicator.

The Blame and Shame Show

The blame and shame show assassinates healthy communciation. Being an angry communicator is a distraction…a manipulative attempt to control people and emotions that doesn’t solve problems or create needed changes.

If you can’t talk…you can’t have a constructive disagreement without casting stones of blame at the face or backside of a partner. Finding fault and finger pointing is a cycle or “bad habit” that unaware couples slip into quite fast. In short order, we sacrifice the self while blaming the other for being SO selfish…when the truth is we’re both losing out big-time.