Why You Too Can Sell Snow To An Eskimo

When you’re talking to someone who’s gifted at the art of talking, have you ever had the sinking feeling that you are losing the point and the talk game because of offensive “head-spinning” moves? You’re not alone. Slippery speakers are propaganda experts and terror-ific debaters who can win a point at the expense of a relationship…and leave your very sensible “just say yes or no” questions hanging in mid-air…along with your open, gaping mouth.

FOGGING UP THE WINDSHIELD OF GOOD TALK

These are verbal transactions that “fog up the windshield of good talk.” They make your head spin and forget where you were in an important conversation. And I call this behavior the offensively defensive NegaTalker “head spinning” of an effective but unproductive communicator.

HEAD SPINNING…YOU, TOO, CAN SELL SNOW TO ESKIMOS

“Head spinning” is the feeling that you get when your main points or logical questions, the ones that deserve forthright answers, are skirted in a conversation. “Head spinning” makes you feel like just giving up on talking because you’ve got to try too hard to get behind in the communications race.

Here are sample “HEAD SPINNING” transactions that I heard today in my couple communications coaching meetings.

  • It’s just the way it is.
  • I’m not sure I’m any different from anyone else in the world!
  • Oh, really…I say that ALL the time?
  • A lot of people I know do IT a whole lot more than I do!
  • So you think that’s what I mean by that?
  • We don’t agree…that’s O.K.
  • I’m just an average guy or gal.
  • You’re making way too much out of this. It’s no big deal!
  • Hey, we all made that decision.
  • But if you would take time to compare me…IT would be obvious THAT…!
  • I’m just trying to understand right now, that’s all.
  • I don’t act like THEM.
  • There you go again!
  • You don’t know what you’re talking about!
  • Want me to say something here? I’m afraid to.
  • It’ll sound like I’m arguing or being combative BUT is that my fault?
  • I’m not perfect…I never will be perfect!
  • I’m TRYING to do better…you’ve got to agree with me that I’m improving.
  • Isn’t it ANY better, in your opinion?
  • BUT what I’m saying is you’re better at IT than me, don’t you agree?
  • I agree with you.
  • I’m not trying to slam your confidence or destroy your self-esteem.
  • What do I think about WHAT? What now?!
  • That makes me feel terrible and guilty…I’m not looking to blame anyone.
  • Even though my actions say I don’t want you…I DO want you!
  • You’re saying I don’t have a right to be mad?
  • The truth is…
  • I want you to tell me what you don’t like or what makes you feel dissatisfied.
  • You try to be nice BUT you’re constantly telling me what I do wrong.
  • IT goes back to what I was saying before…
  • When I ask you to do something simple…instantly you get an attitude!
  • Why do you always have to be so moody and down?
  • I didn’t mean to leave IT all on your shoulders!
  • I didn’t mean to…
  • I didn’t mean to make you upset.
  • I didn’t mean anything by IT.
  • I wasn’t telling you what to do or dictating.
  • What exactly are you referring to now?
  • You’ve got to give me an example.
  • Why can’t you just get past the past?
  • I’m always doing something wrong, according to you.
  • Here you go again!
  • There you go again complaining about the same thing.
  • When you say “everything”…you can’t expect me to get “everything” done!
  • Is THAT all wrong? You make it sound all wrong!
  • That’s WHY I just shut up and don’t talk.
  • You make it sound like I’m trying to argue with you.
  • I don’t do IT THAT often!
  • No, I don’t…that’s not what I do…that’s not true…that’s not how I feel!
  • You know exactly what I mean…don’t play stupid.
  • I don’t feel that way for the 100th time!
  • What was I supposed to do?
  • I’m confused now.
  • Do you really feel that way about it…or are you just trying to make me feel bad.
  • 97% of the time I did it fine…you’re just focusing on the negative.
  • O.K. Whatever you say!
  • I’m not trying to do that!
  • IT would be nice IF you respected me.
  • I’m tryin’ to do that…why do you ride me and rip into my hide?
  • You don’t make me feel very good about any of this!
  • You’re telling me how IT is.
  • I don’t do IT all the time.
  • I don’t know anybody who’s like you think they ought to be.
  • That’s all I want, for your sake.
  • That’s the way IT is…what can I say?
  • Nobody can be that perfect!
  • IF I change IT won’t change a thing!
  • You act like I don’t care!
  • Things are going to be different from here on out.
  • I don’t want to lock horns with you!
  • You make me sound like everybody else…a loser.
  • IT sounds like I need to agree with you or I won’t hear the end of this.
  • I’m not doing anything to you.
  • I don’t have the power to make you feel bad…that’s your responsibility.
  • I can’t make you feel better…you like to feel bad and be unhappy.
  • We’ve gone over this all before!
  • No I don’t have to do things your way…you’re not my mother or father.
  • Look, I’m better today than I was a year ago? Isn’t that true?
  • Wait a minute…it sounds like I should shut up and do whatever you want.
  • Are we done with this talk, yet?
  • What’s so wrong about that…may I ask?

HEAD SPINNING SPITBACKS

Remember, these are “spitbacks” or “twisted thinking” that confuse clear talking and narrow change-mindedness. “Head spinning” essentially tells you to bug off in a nice way after you’ve gone “splat” like a flattened insect on the windshield of the aggressive talk driver.

TERROR-IFIC: YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT BEING RIGHT

The biggest wrong I can think of is never being wrong. If you aren’t wrong, you can’t identify a problem, and then you can’t affect the solution. Always being right is the biggest wrong that you can perpetuate in any relationship.

THE BIGGEST WRONG I CAN THINK OF IS NEVER BEING WRONG

Well, you get the idea since you’ve zipped down the previous list. Not much effective talking is going to get done. Most of the transactions imply that the co-communicator is in the wrong, unreasonable, illogical, fanatical, nit-picking and controlling. Did s/he have their important “yes or no” questions answered in a responsible way? No, probably not.

Listen for “head spinning” terror-ific communication blockades the next time you are traveling all night long on the talk highway…and feeling lost.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me,” a communication handbook that will teach you how to assertively communicate with defensive communicators who aren’t answering your direct questions that clarify issues and require change. Dennis provides assertive coaching, relationship improvement counseling and professional leadership development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. In this inspiring new relationship enhancement, executive coaching and leadership training communication program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators that support you in becoming the leader of your life.

There You Go Again Worrying

A mind is a precious thing to misplace in a vast past space that dwarfs your present potentials. This lesson came home forcefully to me recently. I was on my knees on a wooden platform 30 feet underwater in Star Quarry being tested for my open water scuba certification. How did I get myself into this watery mess of a worry mindgeist? Hey, you try kneeling down on a slippery wooden platform in full wet suit and scuba gear and get ready to tear off your mask meters under the water and just you see how you feel!

OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR KIDS AND PLAYERS ON YOUR WORK TEAM

As the air bubbles gurgled around my mask, I wondered: “Why am I here?” That was easy. My middle daughter Riley, who is all of almost 13 years old and a National Geographic certified scuba diver wanted a diving “buddy.” Enter yours truly…playing skills catch up to reach the level of my “water bug.” By the way, Riley wants Dayton to become an island so she can do more diving! Riley’s enthusiasm for diving is contagious…I got bit by my water bug.

I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER WHEN…

So Riley came with me for the two days of four dives to support me. She must have figured I was feeling kind of nervous. I appreciated her comforting wisdom and playful teasing. “You can do it Dad…I did it and it was no big deal!” I should have known better when her blue eyes blazed against the sun of her yellow hair.

I DO WORRY VERY WELL…THANKS…YOU CAN BET I’M AN EXPERT AT WORRYING

It’s easy to learn if you’re an undoubting child who simply follows directions without worry. My mind is a tad bit more “complicated.” Donning a wet suit, BCD, hoses going off from everywhere, masks and fins emphasized that we were entering a different world of experience. Why not worry? I do worry VERY well…I’m an expert at worrying…when I’m swimming in the unknown (or doing anything), I can count on worry to be my buddy. “Who me, worry?” You can bet your mask defogger on it.

LEARNING NEW SKILLS IS A SNAP?

Oh, snap! Being a novice at something when you’re a doctor of psychology is a huge lesson in humility and finding your courage when you have none. So here are some of the lessons of living life underwater and in the undertow of the worry habit.

1. BLOW BUBBLES. Worrying uses up your air supply very quickly. Plus, you’re supposed to breathe normally when you are afraid underwater, to calm yourself down. Advice for living your life today: BREATHE when you feel all chocked up on stress.

2. KEEP TRACK OF YOUR BUDDY. Worrying narrows your view when you’re surrounded by such weird sights as underwater trees, rocks and fish, and wooden platforms that appear out of the haze. I lost my buddy, Billy, once upon a time. I forgot the rule that after a minute you surface and look around for your supportive life line. Advice for living your life today: KEEP YOUR FRIENDS IN SIGHT and talk to them about what you aren’t doing right that you want to do better so you can both survive and thrive.

3. DON’T FLIP OUT TO WHAT-IFS-VILLE. O.K. this isn’t possible, but worth trying any-hoo.  As I was kneeling on a platform 30 feet below surface watching my air bubbles travel a very long distance to the surface…I thought about all kinds of dreadful WHAT IF outcomes.  What IF I failed at the new skills?  What IF I ran out of air?  What IF I looked the fool?  What IF I couldn’t think clearly under the pressured circumstances?  WHAT IF…drives me nuts in a flat second.  Advice for living your life today: EXPERTS ARE THERE TO HELP.  There were three expert diver instructors watching and helping with everything…SO I was not alone and they looked so calm and in control.  Guess they had done this hundreds of times before.

4. STUPID MISTAKES AREN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. Yeah, as I was trying to get my buoyancy just right, that capability to stay at one level and float in “outer space,” I lost my composure. I put too much air into my vest and whoosh up I rushed toward the surface! I bobbled and bumbled and bopped up trying to clear my ears the whole way and forgetting to kick down. I thought I saw a smile on my buddy’s face, as the expert instructors grabbed me and kindly pulled me back down under. Advice for living your life today: GET THE TIPS for correcting a mistake and use them the very next time you find yourself in the same stressful situation.

5. STAY FOCUSED ON THE MOST IMPORTANT TASK AT HAND. The practiced skills sequence seemed complicated to me but was “chunked down” into learnable steps to build confidence. So we filled our masks part-way and cleared it, then filled our masks completely and cleared it, then took our masks all the way off and put it back on and cleared it. When you can’t see the world as you know it to be keep your eyes open because something interesting is about to happen! Advice for living your life today: FOCUS ON THE FIRST STEP and the rest of the skills walk will take care of itself like a cake walk.

6. LISTEN ON LAND…LISTEN UNDERWATER. Communication is a mighty comfort. Underwater you must listen to hand signals to do what’s required, just like listening to the “non-verbal” or “implied” level of communication on dry land. Thirty feet underwater is not the place to start running on a one-way communication street that leads to disaster recovery. Advice for living your life today: IMPROVE YOUR TALK SKILLS every chance you get, everywhere you go.

7. RECORD YOUR PROGRESS. All dives involve a clear discussion of the dive on land before you get wet, a summary of what you’re going to do when you’re in shallow water, doing what was said would be done underwater, and reviewing what was done following the dive. Practice makes perfect…focus isn’t lost and attention doesn’t fly off into “zoner” land. Advice for living your life today: KEEP IT SIMPLE by writing down what the basic steps are to accomplishing your goals.

8. SHOW YOURSELF A LITTLE TENDERNESS. Alright, when was the last time you kneeled for 15 minutes on a wooden plank and considered that every thing you said or did was of weighty importance? When you feel out of your element…when you feel like a novice surrounded by experts…when your mind races away with you…when you are living in a fear-driven future unreality that is draining you—think again by showing yourself just a little tenderness. Advice for living your life today: LIVE YOUR LIFE today as the true person you truly are instead of some faker or “mind spinner.”

WHO ME, WORRY?

Perhaps the best part of new adventures is sharing them one-on-one with one of your kids or work partners. Sharing a couple of days together is “magic” for dads and daughters. Riley talked non-stop to me about all sorts of life events that were unfolding in her head. I learned that she really likes being part of our family. I discovered that worries worries about the upcoming school year were running around in her head like an open valve on a regulator draining the “energy” of her oxygen tank.

FACING OCEAN-DEEP EMOTIONS

I really love my three daughers. As an involved dad, I must face ocean-deep emotions about all sorts of topics the kids bring up. In fact, I saw a big billboard by the quarry that told me to have “the talk” with my kids. I hurrumped: It’s a little late to broach one BIG skill area in a huge way, like S-E-X, when you haven’t done all the “little steps” that prepare for the “big talk” first. It would be akin to taking your kid on a deep dive without having taught them to tread water or dog paddle first.

ON YOUR KNEES 30 FEET UNDERWATER TRYING TO REMAIN CALM IN AN UNKNOWN WORLD

I talk with my kids because I really enjoy talking and listening to my kids…even though I feel like I’m on my knees in scuba gear 30 feet underwater trying to remain calm in a world that isn’t known to me. Of course, most of us feel the same way during our work and/or parenting days and nights when all us “grown up” and mature folk are stretched at the seams ready to pop.

I noticed that the dive masters all truly accepted one another as they are. They joked and teased…but in a healthy way meant to demonstrate support. Each was unique, each had an important part to play, all were important to the team and skilled indviduals in their own merit. I felt safe, trusted and trusting. I knew my skill level was sufficient, and the instructors would make me “proficient” and praise progress instead of chastise my shortcomings.

THERE YOU GO AGAIN, WORRYING?

Yup, I became a “certified open water scuba diver” (better than being “certifiable”) this weekend in spite of my fears. I felt far less afraid due to the expert diving instruction of the dive staff Lynn and Cindy, Hasan, Rick, R.J., Randy “the turtler,” Matt and all the other passionate “let’s have some fun diving” people of Aquatic Realm Scuba Center, in Dayton, Ohio. What a TEAM…respectful of one another but still able to poke fun and tease to break the tension of keeping everyone safe. Diving at White Star Quarry, Bowling Green, Ohio taught me that ALL OF US WORRY SOME when we’re engaged in doing something worthwhile and new.

STILL WORRIED? JUST JUMP INTO THE POOL WITH YOUR BLUE JEANS ON

And Riley, I felt such delight watching you skip toward and then jump into the hotel swimming pool with your blue jeans on…your confidence gives me faith that good things really DO happen to good people like you and me in this world. Thanks for supporting me…ready to dive together?

Oh, and Riley, you know I love you so very much and surely hope that Dayton can become an island SOON and that the Grand Canyon would be more useful if it were filled in with salt water and ready for the next dive.

I am SO very proud of you…keep the spirit of hope, love and faith ALIVE! Live your life today and every day. Relieved, DAD.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady, who believes that everyone should get along in life just swimmingly, is author of the newly published book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone and founder of New Insights Communications in Dayton, Ohio. He likes to think of his book as a lifeline to anyone who’s drowning in a sea of poor communications. Dennis is also an executive coach, who runs leadership training skills development programs, and is a personal and family positive communications consultant.

Keep It Simple

One of the best bits of business and leadership advice I’ve ever heard…and have successfully used so often in spite of myself is: “Keep it simple, sweetheart!” It’s easy to remember because of the acronym KISS. But I’d like to ask you to KISS and TELL: (T)alk, E(mpathize), L(isten), L(earn). In short, do YOU have the nerve and guts to ask for positive and negative feedback at work AND hear the truth?

GOT QUESTIONS…GET FEEDBACK?

Do you care enough to get involved with your team to ask three KISS questions? Of course you want honest feedback and to hear the truth, because accurate information solves problems. So ask three team members today:

1. “HEY, HOW’S IT GOIN’?” (Then listen to the under-500 word answer.)

2. “SO, WHAT CAN I DO TO MAKE YOUR DAY GO BETTER?” (And try to do one of the suggestions in a little way.)

3. “HOW CAN I MAKE YOUR LIFE EASIER TODAY?” (And then nod affirmatively as you listen.)

ARE YOUR PEOPLE TOO INTIMIDATED TO TALK OPENLY TO YOU?

Hey, so how’s it been goin’, dear leader? SO…what can I do to make your day go better? How can I make your day easier NOW? Would you be surprised if I surveyed members of YOUR team and found out that they felt too intimidated to talk openly to you? Half of the time that’s exactly what I find out when providing group dynamics feedback during professional leadership and team building consultations. If you ask for honest and blunt feedback on a regular basis, and reward it, THEN the trust factor among team members is bound to be strong instead of splintered.

NERVOUS ABOUT NEGATIVITY:  TALK, EMPATHIZE, LISTEN, LEARN

Are you a negative communicator or are you a positive communicator?  Keep it simple, sweetie (KISS) and do TELL…(T)alk, (E)mpathize, (L)isten, and (L)earn. Don’t permit your people to feel too intimidated to talk openly and honestly with you. Nervous about negativity? Just remind yourself that asking for negative and positive feedback improves your team’s performance significantly!

ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new executive coaching and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers “freeze up” and are reluctant to give helpful negative feedback while Instigators feel free to “let it rip” and speak their minds. Likewise, an E-type weakness is to put a relationship before the self while an I-type weakness is to put the self before a relationship. Like to find out “What’s Your Communicator Type?” If you believe you are the leader of your own life, one who is a continuously improving “great communicator”…then ask the three questions above to a “quiet but attentive” co-worker or team member today…and listen open-mindedly to the answers.

CommTool#12: “Are you saying THAT…?”

Getting clear about confusing communication while seated around the table of communication is the providence of the effective leader, romantic partner, negotiator, effective parent and deal-maker. Unclear communication fosters hard feelings and conflict, while clear communication energizes the team and simplifies problem-solving. If you use this tool, you would say: “Are you saying THAT unclear communication leads to others feeling cut off at the knees, unheard and stewing in resentment?” That’s right, Rambo.

UNSPOKEN LEVELS OF COMMUNICATION: “ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT…”

What “hidden agenda” is woven into the words in a sentence? What is being said without words, but implied, and forcefully implied at that. What isn’t said, but implied, particularly when fear is promulgated, often dictates the outcome of any communication. For example, “I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee…” or “I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you…” Both transactions imply you should fear loss, and that the other shoe may drop sometime very soon.

DIGGING OUT THE HIDDEN AGENDA BY ASKING DIRECTIVE QUESTIONS

Here is the way that CommTool #12 helps you clear up confusing transactions. You get clear about the real message behind the words by “UNCOVERING HIDDEN AGENDAS” when you ask a single, direct question. That clarifying question is “Are you saying THAT…?”

1. Confusing Talk: I’m not saying you aren’t a valuable employee, but…
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I need to improve my performance at work or my job may be at risk?

2. Confusing Talk: I’m not spending all of my time thinking about divorcing you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you have doubts about staying married to me?

3. Confusing Talk: You could be doing so much more.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m too lazy and unmotivated?

4. Confusing Talk: There you go again worrying!
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m thinking too much about much of nothing?

5. Confusing Talk: Why does it always fall to me? Why do I always have to be the one to get things done?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t trust any of us to delegate the tasks to?

6. Confusing Talk: You expect me never to make mistakes and always be perfect. Well, I can’t do that.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…since I’m the cause of the problem than I’m the solution to the problem?

7. Confusing Talk: This is really frustrating me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m not doing my part to listen in ways to solve the problem?

8. Confusing Talk: Why do you always insist on interrupting me in mid-sentence?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m avoiding listening to a painful truth by jumping in and controlling the flow of the conversation?

9. Confusing Talk: I give up because you’re a better debater than me.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m arguing my point too forcefully and losing points with you?

10. Confusing Talk: I can’t focus long enough to get it done.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m distracting you too much to stay focused on doing the important things first?

11. Confusing Talk: Why do you care so much about what others think of you?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m dying trying too hard to get the approval of others who aren’t ever going to like me?

12. Confusing Talk: I know I’m in the wrong here.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…because you’re wrong you’re going to do something differently from here on?

13. Confusing Talk: Nothing I ever do is ever good enough for you.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m a nit-picking perfectionistic and trying to control you?

14. Confusing Talk: Why do I always have to push you to talk to me?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I don’t believe that we can talk without a great, big hassle happening?

15. Confusing Talk: Why should I have to change to make you happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t want to change in order to make yourself happy?

16. Confusing Talk: All you do is fill my bucket with your complaining.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I take on everybody else’s stuff so I don’t have to focus on myself?

17. Confusing Talk: You shouldn’t let it get to you so much.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I should think before I reject myself more after being rejected?

18. Confusing Talk: I tell people what I think even if they don’t like it.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you don’t mind hurting others feelings when you’re ticked off and talk out of bounds?

19. Confusing Talk: I’m too afraid to fail, and too afraid to succeed, so I act indecisive.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…you’ve got “plausible procrastination” and excuse-making down to an art form?

20. Confusing Talk: We’re spinning our wheels and going nowhere.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m agreeing to be comfortably stuck in a rut with you again?

21. Confusing Talk: Can’t you ever be on time for once?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…my being late is a show of disrespect to you that I’m intending?

22. Confusing Talk: Why do you always have to be so negative?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m missing out on something by not agreeing with you and being so negative and too lazy to be positive?

23. Confusing Talk: I’ve been doing it for so long, it’s next to impossible to stop.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…although I hear your pont of view that you know very well I don’t agree with you?

24. Confusing Talk: Why aren’t you ever satisfied or happy?
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I’m the leader of my life and in charge of my happiness?

25. Confusing Talk: I can’t get my weight under control since my family stress doubled.
Getting Clear: ARE YOU SAYING THAT…I could help you get your stress under better control?

SHOWING UP AND CHOOSING YOUR ATTITUDE

I’m not a dreamer. If a smooth operator wants to stay “veiled” and “hide their agenda” from you, chances are you will be fooled. But at least you will have the pleasure of having the last laugh when their subterfuge is foiled!

I know this all sounds a bit paranoid. BUT I am saying THAT I can’t control what people say, and too often people say what will forward their show while using you as a prop. Hey, no problem. Let’s just be clear about it!

CHECK OUT THESE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS

CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT

CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY

CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED

CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND

CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT

CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT

CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME

CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD

CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR

CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?

CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new executive coaching, relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of you and your co-communicators type by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are a “good communicator” then ask the Communication Tools (CommTools) questions above to a co-worker or family member…and then listen open-mindedly to the answers. You will be surprised what you learn when you have the pluck to ask directive questions and the hear/listen to the answers.

Do You Think Too Much?

Do you run around in your life with your hair on fire worrying? Do you think you think way too much, sometimes? Why worry? About 83% of your daily conversation is the good or bad talking you give yourself inside your own skull. When you talk negatively to yourself, by asking yourself impossible riddles that are worry-conducive, these unanswerable riddles will riddle your confidence and self-esteem. So the point of this article is to teach you how to disrupt negative thoughts on the fly that ground your attempts to soar as a positive person.

ARE YOU UNINTENTIONALLY LOWERING OR RAISING YOUR CONFIDENCE LEVEL?

Here are some examples of negative talking that chip away at your peace of mind and shatter your mind into pieces that start a worry avalanche.

I worry too much.

I must like driving myself nuts!

I re-hash my decisions…until I confuse myself.

I think too much.

I let people get away with murder. I’m too darn nice.

I question whether or not I did the right thing.

I’m probably being too cautious in the face of criticism.

I doubt myself and change horses in mid-stream.

I question if I’m destined to be a negative person.

I should be more disciplined and assertive.

I hate feeling sorry for myself but I feel at such a loss.

I wonder if I will make the same relationship mistakes again.

I ought to stop thinking about these things but I can’t seem to stop.

I dwell on the negative WAY TOO MUCH!

WHO ME, WORRY? NOTHING BAD’S GOING TO HAPPEN, ANYWAY

Well, you get the idea. You can worry about what you did, what you’re doing or how you’re going to manage an uncertain future. Your logical-emotional thinking than spins out of your control, as you worry…worry…and worry some more in ineffective ways that make you feel insecure and unsure of taking creative or novel positive actions that will net nifty results.

DISRUPTING NEGATIVE YOUR THINKING

Talking sense to yourself is pretty easy to do…just you try it and find out for yourself. Typically, negative thoughts escalate negative emotions which fuel increased negative thinking which de-rails your confidence and makes you rail against yourself for being so darn easy to manipulate! Here’s a quick course on interrupting repetitive negative thoughts that lead to nowhere:

1. Listen to the inner-personal chatter that chips away at your self-confidence.

2. Isolate one negative thought to disrupt. Example: “Why do I think too much?” or “Why do I always have to be SO negative?”

3. Disrupt the question-doubting question by decisively talking assertively to yourself.

4. Answer assertively: “This is a riddle that leads to nowhere. I’m not going to bug myself with questions that have no answer. I choose not to back myself into a corner of worrying! Let’s change this damn worry record!”

5. Pat yourself on the back, by saying: “I am in charge of my own mind. I’m not going to trash my self-confidence by talking nonsense to myself right now.”

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…TRY, TRY DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT

Inner-personal talk tools really work well. Negative thoughts that riddle your self-esteem are simply bad habits that you can disrupt with a little practice and chutzpah. The results of negative inner chatter are the same for you and me: namely, worrying lowers your self-esteem…while the results of assertive self-talk protects your prized self-esteem and relationships…all the while still being genuine and responsive in the face of defeats.

Talk some sense to yourself today…you can do it! Just you try it and see.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training and relationship enhancement workbook you can order in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication program, you will learn about two new communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators. E-types are prone to worrying too much while I-types are prone to putting their worries on the shelf. You can “find out your type” and receive your comprehensive communicator style report by clicking on “What’s Your Communicator Type.”