Monthly Archives: October 2006

I know you try your very best to understand yourself and other people, especially when you experience a loss or breakdown of communication. Maybe it’s a couple communication breakdown, a family miscommunication or a crisis at work. Whatever the problem, it can act like a brush fire that burns out of control across the landscape of your mind, making your best-laid plans go up in flames.

A MISMATCHED COMMUNICATION STYLE CAUSES TALK CRASHES

Sometimes, your positive personality is all you’re left to hang on to. Truth be told, when insecurity and loss of control strikes, we all search mightily for the answer to the nagging question: “Why do bad things happen to good people like me?” Sometimes, the answers you come up with – rightly or wrongly – define the problem but can also defy the solution. Because in my experience, a mismatched communication style – not a personality issue – is often at the core of more communication problems.

WHAT CAUSES A PERSONALITY SPLINTERING?

A personality is a lot like a diamond. Although strong and beautiful, a diamond can “crack” under pressure into smaller diamonds. A personality is like a whole diamond: it communicates better when all parts are talking to one another. What kind of pressure might cause a whole-diamond personality to shatter?

EMOTIONAL HURRICANES

If you attribute the “cause” of a serious personal issue to biology, you will fix upon the solution of medication to fix the problem. Likewise, if you attribute the “cause” of a personality problem to “unresolved childhood trauma,” then you will opt for long-term psychotherapy or perhaps do nothing at all. What’s my point? The “guilty party” frame you put around a problem dictates what you will or won’t try to resolve it. That’s why I say take the guesswork out of personal or relationship problems by hiring a “neutral expert or coach” … one who won’t let his or her emotions get in the way while yours are blowing like a hurricane. And that’s always why I stay results-focused, namely: “If what you’re doing isn’t working, try doing something different for a change!”

NEW INSIGHTS POLL: WHAT IS THE CAUSE OF MOST PERSONALITY PROBLEMS?

Now the cause of your problems is not your mother, right?! I love the private polls at www.drogrady.com because they allow the voice of “normal people” like you and me to be heard. We aren’t trying to affect politics or policy or sharpen a knife to skewer others. We simply want to know what each other are “honestly” thinking and feeling. Here’s what my readers say are the “causes” of serious personality issues in rank order:

1. CHILDHOOD TRAUMA………45.16%

2. BAD PARENTING…………….25.81%

3. BIOLOGY……………………….22.58%

4. UNLUCKY……………………….03.23%

5. INTIMIDATORS………………03.23%

6. SPOILED………………………..00.00%

CAN A ZEBRA CHANGE ITS STRIPES?

Can people past 17 years of age really change their personalities? Can a zebra change its stripes or a leopard change its spots? Many people, including professionals, still mistakenly believe that “personality issues” are unchanging and thus untreatable. This line of thinking cedes so much power to the “personality” instead of “the person” in the person-ality, doesn’t it? (Personally, I was totally shocked, that no one in the survey chose “spoiling a child and sparing the rod” as a reason for personality problems, because my mind has been chronically media-sized about how badly spoiled kids and teens are nowadays. Another negative media madness myth bites the dust?)

THE BIG THREE: CHILDHOOD TRAUMA…BAD PARENTING…BIOLOGY IS 94% AT FAULT

Now, I want to be VERY careful here. In science, when we don’t readily have an answer to a problem, we often “blame the parents.” For example, most of us believe “childhood trauma” is somehow the parents’ fault, especially the mother’s. Watch out…because that means that 94% of personality problems are somehow parent-driven, driven by the parents’ genetic code or biology…driven by bad parenting practices or instilling low self-confidence…driven by childhood trauma that in the U.S.A. is typically caused by home factors vs. school factors. Also, if almost half of all personality problems are caused by trauma to our children, then what traumas are being caused and how could they be stopped, if at all?

YOUR PERSONALITY IS A DIAMOND

Any way you slice it, your personality is separate and distinct from your communicator type. Likewise, your gender does not run the communication show, although your gender style of talking does affect what and how you do and say. Mostly though, your communicator type is the lens through which you look at the world-at-large. It’s the magnifying glass that you use to “explain and correct” the relationship problems you are experiencing.

NICE TRY, BUT NO CIGAR

If you blame personality issues on the “wrong” cause, chances are you will affix upon a “nice try, but wrong” solution. So you will try to fix the problem…the problem won’t be fixed…and you will be increasingly frustrated. “Talk to Me” is a proven communication approach or system to take the guesswork out of relationship problems caused by personality issues. Once you become accustomed to using “the four modes of communication” …. you’ll spontaneously “see solutions” to communication issues and impasses you never before saw. Just you try it and see!

ABOUT THE “TALK TO ME” APPROACH TO POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Dr. Dennis O’Grady knows that some people very people have very definite ideas (on target or not) about the roots or personality clashes, while some have not a clue. But he also knows that Communicator Type – Empathizer or Instigator – is often equally important (or more so) at helping understand and resolve personality clashes, at home, at work, in families. He’s a keynote speaker, workshop leader and the author of the “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone” system and founder of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio.

PREVIOUS RESULTS OF NEW INSIGHTS COMMUNICATION POLLS

Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”

You’ve already got a very long “to do” list at work but your boss (wife/husband) calls you with something new and pressing for you to do. You think about the Stephen Covey time management rule that says you should stick to doing what’s important…not run around like a chicken with your head cut off doing what’s urgent. But you want to please your boss, and you want to be viewed as a positive and effective communicator on the team…a positive person who doesn’t make waves and ably surfs huge waves of stress. So should you “Just Say No?” or should you respect that little voice hollering in your ear: “Oh, my God, I won’t ever be able to get this all done and remain even half-way sane, but I’ve got to try anyway to please the boss so I’ll say Yes!”

WHEN YOU SAY NO, DO YOU FEEL BAD, WORRIED, NERVOUS OR GUILTY?

You have the right to say “no, maybe, or yes” to any request. That’s your call. BUT I’d like to know if you’re being too good for own good, you sensitive and empathetic souls out there! How to know: Do you have trouble saying “no” when “no” might be the “right” answer to give? Or, do you apologize a lot when you “say no,” making you appear wishy-washy, confused or weak? Not good. Know this: In my “Talk to Me” program, Empathizer communicators (E-types) struggle with saying “no” without feeling guilty. In contrast, Instigator communicators think people who can’t say “no” are weak.

WHAT E-TYPES SAY TO I-TYPES WHEN “NO” IS THE RIGHT ANSWER

It’s time for you sensitive Empathizer-type communicators to stop going along to get along with Instigator-type communicators, because when you go along, you’re more likely to fail at delivering positive results. These “directive statements” may seem loud, brash or pushy, but they are simply authentic, effective and truthful. Some ways to “just say no” to “strong-willed I-types” without making an enemy and in ways I-types will understand:

1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE. This is heard by I-types as a “reality check” and “taking the pulse” of what is wished for vs. what is feasible.

2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND? This is heard by I-types as a challenge to re-check their thinking and priorities and to do a cost-benefit analysis.

3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON. This is heard by I-types as a genuine statement of how much work is unfairly falling on the shoulders of one person. I-types know it’s not fair to assign all the work to a single workhorse in the organization.

4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE. This is heard by I-types as a report that you are stretched to the limit and need to be emotionally honest without belly-aching.

5. I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED/EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN. This is heard by I-types as a form of negotiation to iron out the details. It’s a form of record-keeping.

6. I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO DO IT ALL. This is not heard as complaining by I-types but instead is perceived as a call for back-up.

7. THE RIGHT ANSWER IS NO, BUT I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN SAY THAT. I-types respect when you are right on the dot to take more self-responsibility for your own happiness.

8. DON’T MAKE THINGS MORE COMPLICATED THAN THEY HAVE TO BE. I-types hear this as a warning to keep the big picture in mind, not get cocky, and make small corrections in the flight course to arrive at the goal destination.

9. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND. This is heard by I-types as a direct confrontation that they are not “up to speed” or do not have the necessary information to make the proper decision. They will want to understand what’s wrong and what’s not working right.

10. I NEED HELP TO DO THIS. This isn’t heard by I-types as a weakness but as a warning that special conditions exist and need to be addressed to make the desired results and outcomes happen on timeline.

11. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES. I-types like to be in control of the process. They don’t mind mistakes as much as they dislike being “caught off guard” by “bad news that comes out of the blue.”

12. WHAT’S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN? This alerts I-types to expect trouble in this project, such as, unexpected delays or difficult financial choices or people.

WHAT’S THE POINT?

Remember my dear E-types: I-types will respect you when you “talk pointedly” and assertively. The transactions above are GENUINE and not “too pushy” or “too negative” or “too loud.” If results matter, then being an accurate reporter of what is or isn’t possible stacks the career deck and romantic show in your favor. Just you try it a few times and see!

HERE’S WHY ONE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR COULDN’T SAY NO

E-types like to be liked and they hate disappointing others. They often go along to get along which often doesn’t result in good things happening. One of my male E-type clients had this to say about his fear of letting others down:

“I hate saying ‘no’ so I over-promise even when I have a million things on my plate. If I simply said ‘I can’t do it now’ I would be far better off. But I can’t say no because I don’t want to disappoint other people. I feel bad promising what I know I won’t be able to deliver on, and this results in my letting others down who get miffed with me. I should say ‘no’ but I don’t usually have the nerve to.

“I say ‘yes’ a lot in my relationship when I would rather say ‘no thanks…or no, not now.’ I take a backseat to the relationship, and my partner doesn’t respect me. What’s so perverse is that I create results that are the opposite of my intentions! By trying so VERY hard not disappoint anyone, I disappoint them all the more. After I’m ‘caught,’ I will justify and make excuses to cover my tracks…and even lie. And I’m not a liar!

“Bottom line: If I help people all the time, I think I will be liked. When I’m liked…I feel happy. So little-by-little, I keep giving people what they want. Then people at work and my relationship partner see me as ‘weak’ and ‘lacking responsibility and accountability’ because I don’t keep my word.”

Agreeing to avoid appearing disagreeable is a disaster waiting to happen.

IF YOU CAN’T SAY NO, CAN YOU REALLY MEAN YES?

If you can’t say “no” when you want to, can you really mean “yes” when you say so? Being a people pleaser displeases people a lot. And besides, what’s in it for you? Are you afraid of being seen as negative or losing the respect of someone if you don’t say ‘yes?’ The reverse psychology: In truth, Instigator communicators appreciate and respect you more when they can’t run over you.

AGREEING TO GO ALONG TO GET ALONG

Actually, this could be a pattern of nice people “agreeing to go along to get along” but not able to handle what already was on their plate. Sometimes, “no” is the best answer for all concerned. Understanding your communicator type, and your co-communicator’s type, can free you up to talk positively about negative things and set needed boundaries so you don’t go nuts from overwork and under-pleasuring yourself.

SO WHEN YOUR PLATE IS FULL AND OVER-FLOWING

So don’t agree to do what isn’t humanly possible for you when you have a million things on your plate and your plate is full and over-flowing unto your communicator table. So simply “say yes to yourself,” and “say no when no is the right answer” to keep your light shining bright to the benefit of everyone.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” for the all the right reasons and being a negative person, and they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. He’s a professional keynote speaker who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”