The Failure To Communicate

OPEN DOORS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Recently a communications coaching client queried me about the failure to communicate. He wondered what he must do to ensure that his communication partner accurately interprets and comprehends the information he’s trying to convey. What is needed to open the door to good communication?

WHEN HAS A PERSON FAILED TO COMMUNICATE?

“When has a person failed to communicate?” Actually, we don’t fail to communicate, we communicate at many spoken and implied levels of conversation. In fact, this question reminds me of the scene in the movie Cool Hand Luke when the warden said to Paul Newman, “Boy, what we have here is a failure to communicate!”

THERE IS NO FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE

There is no failure to communicate. However, communication can be unproductive and not useful when we communicate far more than we intend. Your key intention is to communicate trust, so the better question would go something like this: “Was what I said…or what I failed to say…productive for building bridges of trust in this interaction or relationship?” If trust or good will is weakened, then unproductive communication has occurred. If trust or good listening is strengthened, then productive communication has taken place.

YOUR INTENTIONS ARE IMPORTANT IN GOOD COMMUNICATION

This question makes me think of how important our intentions are in good communication. In fact, we can say “My intent is to build bridges or trust here, so I want to listen very carefully to what you have to say, including your dissatisfactions and disagreements. My mind is open to doing new things which would work out better for us all.” …Or something similar, that puts your intention in the center of the communicator table.

The sincere desire to improve communication at all levels of this client’s company started at the top…with the esteemed leadership. Knowing this, I have no doubt that the company’s initiative will succeed. The rewards realized from the positive changes implemented will amaze everyone involved!

ABOUT EXECUTIVE COACH DENNIS O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton, Ohio, effective leadership communications psychologist, enlightening keynote speaker, executive coach, and corporate trainer. He wrote the book on good communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, which is available at drogrady.com or Amazon. Dennis also enjoys leading Listen Up! corporate and hospital training programs on effective listening skills.

Who’s At Fault?

WAS IT YOUR FAULT?

Who’s to blame? Wasn’t it your fault? And who’s the bad gal or guy here, screwing everything up? To talk or not to talk…that is the question. When misunderstandings and misfiring emotions run high between Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators, unhappiness abounds like fleas on a hound. These glaring differences can cause a communicator clash, eventual fender bender, or 20 car pileup talk crash.

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

Due to ignorance, blaming another person for not being your communicator type is common. Here are how Empathizer (E-type) and Instigator (I-type) communicators look and sound very differently. Example: Each can view the same accident scene, yet have completely different and often opposing eyewitness stories. Here are a few classic opposite E- vs. I-type life views that cause communicator clashes:

CLASSIC EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR VIEWS

“You think that it’s all my fault!” (E-view of I-Types) … vs… “You know darn well that it’s all your fault!” (I-view of E-types)

“You give out blame.” (E-view)…vs…”You take on blame.” (I-view)

“It’s not my fault!” (I-view)…vs…”It’s probably all my fault!” (E-view)

“You (I-types) talk louder and faster when you’re annoyed.” (E-view)…vs…”You (E-types) get softer and quieter in speech when you’re annoyed.” (I-view)

“You (I-types) add unnecessary arguing and debating.” (E-view)…vs…”You (E-types) stop talking when you’re not validated.” (I-view)

“You (I-types) think I’m dumb.” (E-view)…vs…”I think I have all the right answers!” (I-view).

DO YOU GIVE BLAME OR TAKE BLAME?

When it comes to handing out blame, there are only FOUR communication choices.

Choice 1: You’re to blame (not likely).

Choice 2: I’m to blame (even more unlikely).

Choice 3: Let’s debate who’s to blame and decide a winner and loser (more likely).

Choice 4: No one’s to blame (most likely) but some things have got to change.

When you treat your opposite communicator as if they’re stupid or resisting the proposed plan by being obstinate or resistive, blame games go off like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E O’GRADY, Psy.D.?

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications specialist, the developer of the innovative person- and results-driven Talk to Me communication system. For 30+ years, Dennis has focused on the areas of effective communication, constructive team relationships, and change management. His new, proven communication theory is easy to learn and implement, bringing astounding results in both business and personal relationships. Talk to Me can be previewed at www.drogrady.com, and is available both at that site and at Amazon.com.

Untwisting Twisted Talking

Have you ever wished for the perfect comeback to bullying negatalking that stings your ego or hurts your feelings? Who hasn’t! Sure enough, talking can get all twisted up like knots on a shoelace and trip you up. But how do you untwist twisted talking that spins your brain and makes you feel drained? How do you stop someone from putting words in your mouth by using a Talk to Me© effective communication system tool that works?

PUTTING THE BRAKES ON BAD TALK

By definition, toxic communication is emotionally confusing communication. So all you have to do is fill in these blanks to make a decent comeback that will cool down hot tempers, keeping them from flaring up and scalding your face.

1. HEARING ______

2. MAKES ME FEEL _______

3. LET’S TALK ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE!

Just fill in the blanks and keep your voice tone low and level. Don’t even raise your volume. Calmly say what you’re hearing…calmly say what you’re feeling…calmly share what you want, which is simply your assertive request to change the topic.

A LIVE EXAMPLE OF COOLING DOWN WHEN TALKS HEAT UP

Here’s one “live talk” example of this standard comeback to unproductive negative talking:

1. HEARING ____ when you belittle my husband/wife/partner/friend…

2. MAKES ME FEEL _____ sad…or angry…or uncomfortable…or….

3. Let’s talk about something else!

COOLING YOUR JETS

Rude or disrespectful comments also can take your mood to supersonic speeds and disproportionate levels, making your mood go boom! Here’s another topical example:

1. HEARING ____ you say I’m too sensitive…

2. MAKES ME FEEL _____ frustrated.

3. Let’s talk about something else!

When a person without a psychology degree and license offers psychoanalytical critiques about your personal motives or character, it is an illegal turn or blame game on the two-way communication highway.

DON’T PUT WORDS IN MY MOUTH…DON’T JUST TALK…LISTEN TO ME

One new move is all it takes for you to cut right to the chase. By using this communication tool, you can put the brakes on bad talk driving habits and change directions when your communicator car is traveling down a dead-end road at breakneck speed.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region relationship communications expert, inspirational keynote speaker, corporate trainer, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

The Motoman Communication Challenge

INTRODUCTION BY MIKE GABBARD VICE-PRESIDENT HUMAN RESOURCES & FACILITIES GROUP MOTOMAN, INC.

As a clinical psychologist specializing in communication, Dennis has worked for more than 30 years with top executives and their teams to overcome barriers to ongoing success in their companies or organizations. He is the founder of New Insights Communication, a management consulting firm dedicated to the advancement of organizational development, and professional and personal growth. His executive coaching and business consulting programs focus on the areas of communication, listening skills, leadership development, change management, and conflict resolution.

Dennis is the author of three works which include Taking the Fear Out of Changing, No Hard Feelings, and Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone. He is a Clinical Professor at Wright State University School of Professional Psychology and has been a workshop presenter for such educational agencies as the University of Dayton, the Dayton Development Coalition, Sinclair Community College, and Miami University. He is President-Elect of the Dayton Area Psychological Association.

Now let’s give a big Motoman welcome to Dr. Dennis O’Grady!

KEYNOTE GIVEN BY DR. DENNIS O’GRADY: THE MOTOMAN COMMUNICATION CHALLENGE

Good afternoon folks. Better a heat wave than a cold snap, I always say. Course, none of us can control the weather, but all of us can control being better communicators. And that’s my topic comin’ right at ya’ for this great Friday meeting.

Hi…My name is Dennis O’Grady, and I can’t tell you how honored I feel to be here today to assist Motoman in educating and developing employees to become better communicators. We all know that good communication is the key to success at work and at home and at LIFE! I challenge the saying that talk is cheap, we all know that’s not true, talk isn’t cheap — it’s priceless.

I know how to improve your ability to communicate.

As your communications psychologist, I’m going to take a wild guess at what you’re turning over in your mind right now. Perhaps you’re thinking, “Here we go again, talking about the importance of teamwork and communication — but you know how highbrow leaders are — they just talk fancy and talk on and on but they never have to walk the talk like I do every day.” Well, you’ve got a point there, don’t you? Leadership talking about talk, gushing with enthusiasm, isn’t good communication. To be a good communicator one must be able to see the world through the eyes of those they talk to. They must walk a mile in the shoes of others in order to be heard. This is a perfect example of why most programs don’t stick. Management does not walk the talk.

I don’t mind pessimists, because I IS one. Perhaps like me, you can be a tad bit cynical at times, too. Something like this: “Yeah, it’s a new communication initiative all right, but shoot…everyone knows not much is going to change around here anyway, so why bother. I’ll just lie low and fly under the radar and put a big grin on my face and watch how this one goes splat on the wall and falls off the charts, just like all the other ‘great’ initiatives we’ve been through. Been there…done that. I’ll just do my job and keep my bright ideas to myself. I’ll get along by giving the appearance that I’m going along with the program. Humph! It’ll just be a fad that’s here today and gone tomorrow, and not much will have changed. ”

Perhaps you see this as another “feel good” or “here we go again” HR program…but that’s simply not true.

It’s All About You

BENEFITS OF KNOWING YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE?

“It’s all about you!” is a snappy cliché. But, of course it’s true. Empathizers fidget when I ask, “What’s in it for you?” Instigators don’t fight the fact that if “It’s not all about you!” then what’s it all about, anyway? Energy-wise, when you’re doing well the people around you do better. Your cohorts in communication will feel an energy upsurge just from being around you…the Talk to Me© system has taught you how to shift your emotional attitudes — to give you more talk latitude — which opens a new world of talk to you.

INVEST IN GOOD COMMUNICATION

Are you invested in good communication? Do you invest a little time and money daily to improve your communication skills? Why should YOU worry about how you talk to yourself or how you come across to others? Great questions….

DRIVING BLINDFOLDED ON THE COMMUNICATION HIGHWAY

Attempting to talk with someone without knowing the type of communicator you’re talking with is akin to driving a fast car down the highway blindfolded. Not recommended! For example, how do you handle feeling bad? Well, if you’re an Empathizer-type communicator (E-type) you strongly believe, “I’m supposed to first help others!” Oppositely, if you’re an Instigator-type communicator (I-type) you have no doubt that, “You’re supposed to help yourself!” Thus, how to feel better when you feel bad are viewed very differently by E- and I-types, which often causes confusion or conflict in relationships, both personal and work.

SHIFTING EMOTIONAL GEARS TO STEER CLEAR OF DEAD END TALK ALLEYS

How can you take charge of your mood, your change avenues, by steering around talk accidents just waiting to happen? Well, that’s what the Talk to Me© communication system is all about.

When you know and use your individual communicator style, you realize several advantages. For example, you…

1. Can maintain an upbeat mood during difficult times.

2. Will experience fewer distasteful, disagreeable and distracting verbal conflicts at work and home.

3. Will enjoy your life to a fuller extent.

4. Feel happier and more connected in all your relationships, including your private relationship with yourself.

5. Possess a feeling of unshakeable confidence.

6. Employ clear communication in each information transmittal.

7. Deliver more effective e-mails, speeches, family talks, memorable words.

8. Enjoy a leadership advantage.

9. Find yourself equipped to take charge of change.

10. Will be in the driver’s seat of your own life, when you use the unique advantages of your communication style.

11. Will find that resentment and anger have been removed from your life. You will travel light, no longer dragging unnecessary baggage around to bring down your mood or slow you down from getting where you need to go.

12. Find that contentment is at hand. Whether you’re an E- or I-type, you will feel far more at ease in your own skin — serene, relaxed, peaceful, unpressured. Your deep peace of mind leaves little room for unproductive worry.

Using the Talk to Me© communication system will simply work wonders in your life.

FIRST INVEST IN GOOD COMMUNICATION WITH YOURSELF

Emotions can steal your life show…particularly negative emotions.

You and I drive in four talk lanes. The Emotions lane is favored by E-types, but the Emotions mode of communication can keep the best among us tied up in knots of worry and frustration, whether you’re an Empathizer-type or an Instigator-type communicator.

Your communication is made more powerful and flexible when you learn how to drive down the four lanes of communication. When any of the driving lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors, or Talks are jammed up, you will know how to casually switch lanes to travel more smoothly and effectively down the two-way talk highway. You’ll say “goodbye” to unhelpful anxiety, worry, and anger.

EMOTIONS DRIVE YOU?

Yes, emotions drive you. When you work closely with your emotions, new behaviors are created…and actions speak louder than shouted words coming out of the bullhorn of extreme emotions.

WHO IS COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY?

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is a corporate trainer, relationship coach and keynote banquet speaker from Dayton, Ohio. Talk to Me© teaches everyone the incredible benefits of effective life management communication skills.

Are you too emotionally driven occasionally? Empathizers are run around the block by their emotions. Instigators run away from their emotions for fear of being dominated or controlled by them. Either way, you can learn to use your emotions to your advantage, building compassion and wisdom.

Men and women alike use a “feel good” or “bad feeling” gauge in their blue or burnt orange communicator cars. If I feel good, I don’t need to change. If I feel bad, I may need to change. Actually, you want to become an expert communicator to get off the roller coaster of extremely good or bad times.

You can change and learn to shift emotional gears when you need to, by using the Talk to Me© system. It’s all laid out in easy steps, much like learning driving tips from a textbook. Empathizers blame themselves when others don’t change, while Instigators blame others for a situation that doesn’t change. Can you name the four talk lanes you can drive in? What are your options when the lane or road you’re traveling in is closed? If you don’t know, you are not licensed to drive on the two-way communication highway…and you’re wasting your energy in blame games that lead to a town called Nowhere.