You Never Talk To Me!

WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

“You never talk to me!” violates three rules of good communication while you’re driving on Talk Highway, causing a fender bender and your communicator car to skid into a ditch, or far worse. First, “You never talk to me….” actually delivers a hidden, blaming command to stop talking. Second, it bows to “You never….” or “You always…. ” extremism that casts stones of personal blame and beats up your talk partner. Third, it violates The Golden Rule of Good Talk, “You should never use the word YOU in close-up, personal communication, if you want to get great results.” Hard to do when talkers are tired and it’s late and you’ve been driving all day and all the hotels and motels are booked tight on Talk Highway and you just locked your keys in the trunk. Why, this Talk Master Instructor should know!

CAN EMPATHIZERS REALLY TALK RATIONALLY TO INSTIGATORS?

We all can do a better job at bettering our communication styles by walking in the shoes of our opposite communicator style. Staying centered and calm, and talking rationally about intense emotions, without blaming a talk partner, is possible if you are using the Talk to Me© effective communication system.

Lucky 13 E-type emotion-driven criticisms of I-types driving habits on Talk Highways:

1. YOU NEVER TALK TO ME

Instigator View: She’s right in many ways. When I get home I tend to be quiet. I put in long work days. When I get home, the last thing on my mind is to take on a controversial or serious topic.

2. WHY DON’T YOU WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT?

Instigator View: I have a thousand things floating through my head. Setting aside what I still have to do for work, and turning my total attention to her, is difficult. I don’t usually tell people when I’m tired or hurting.

3. YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW I FEEL

Instigator View: Sometimes I do understand how she feels and sometimes I don’t. It depends on what we’re discussing. She’s so emotional it’s hard to sort what’s more or less important.

4. YOU HURT MY FEELINGS

Instigator View: I don’t intend to, but I often blurt something out that hurts a person’s feelings. As a boss, I can say: “We can talk about that topic next week, but let’s stay on task today.” But my wife doesn’t appreciate being told that.

5. YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME

Instigator View: I struggle with that one, because I hear what she’s saying, and I think I’m a good listener. When I don’t agree with her, does she think I’m not listening to her?

6. YOU NEVER TELL ME HOW YOU’RE FEELING

Instigator View: That makes me crazy. She tries to tell me how I’m feeling or what I should do or how I should think.

7. YOU DON’T OPEN UP TO ANYBODY

Instigator View: Many times she doesn’t know how I’m feeling, because I’ve already shut down the conversation in my mind, due to finger-pointing blame gaming.

8. YOU’RE ALOOF

Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that too many people are picking at me, and I’ve got no time left.

9. YOU SHUT ME OUT

Instigator View: If you’re not forthcoming, people think you’re not telling them everything, in the minutest detail. I say, “You’ve killed that topic so let’s move on.”

10. YOU DON’T COMMIT

Instigator View: I ‘m not quick to show my poker hand. That is viewed as being hard-headed. I think I’m a pretty sensitive and sympathetic person. I just don’t express it very well.

11. WHY CAN’T YOU TALK STRAIGHT?

Instigator View: She’s so focused on her emotions, she misses my point. She struggles with my communication style.

12. PEOPLE SEE YOU AS COLD AND CALCULATING

Instigator View: There are times I agree with that, because it does hurt other people. I don’t like my feelings hurt, I really don’t, but you’re taught in business to leave your emotions out of it.

13. YOU’RE ARGUMENTATIVE

Instigator View: It is what it is. She’s entitled to her opinion. What she doesn’t understand is that I’ve got no extra time on my hands, and my brain begins to shut down the longer communication drags on.

Can Instigators learn to talk more emotionally? Of course. Once we learn to walk a mile in the shoes of our opposite communicator type.

DO YOU KNOW THE COMMUNICATOR TYPE OF YOUR TALK PARTNER?

Common advice to couples in counseling is to, “…tell your talk partner how you feel,” by using, “I feel….” declarative statements. But does this approach work? Sometimes, but now and again they backfire. Why? Because of the intensely fast moving, “I feel you’re always being….!” To the ears of Instigator listeners, Empathizer (or Instigator?) discourse often sounds like accusations. Net result? The Instigator listener — male or female — will shut down. More negative talk ensues, sending us all down dead end alleys. Future talk problems are guaranteed.

DO YOU WANT PROOF OF THE LIGHT BULB TURNED ON BENEFIT OF THE TALK TO ME© COMMUNICATION SYSTEM?

I have internalized the key strategies of the TALK TO ME© system, and I utilize those communication approaches in every personal interaction throughout the day. I no longer worry about what other people think of me, nor do I overanalyze what I think they may be saying or thinking. Because I’m not caught up in this pattern, I am able to make the correct decisions for myself at work and in my personal relationships. I am now more in tune with the person I am and what my requirements for success and fulfillment are.

M. M. C.
Human Resources Manager

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you, just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training, and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive, “real life” training formats.

Just Talk: Building Trust Through Positive And Effective Communication

Why can’t we just talk anymore, like we used to do in the olden days? Well, it seems today we might want to communicate more positively and effectively at work and at home. Just ask WellPoint, one of our nation’s largest insurers. According to Julie Appleby’s article in the 10/22/07 issue of USA TODAY, WellPoint-associated doctors will be rated, by their patients, on what it all boils down to is — communication. Poor communication can kill trust and kill the patient. Zagat Survey has been chosen by WellPoint to administer and analyze the customer satisfaction audits.

FACTORS OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

Why Zagat? Zagat has become known as the expert in their field, putting out a burgundy-colored restaurant-going guide that ranks eateries on food, decor, service and cost, to help guide our choices. WellPoint wants to know how well their doctors are doing on the communication chart, so they’ve secured the assistance of the master. In your mind, what makes up the art of good talk? Making time to talk? Using positive non-verbals like smiling or shaking hands? Giving critical information in a positive way? All of these are factors in good doctor-patient or manager-employee communications. Zagat’s rating guide will consider trust, communication, availability, and office environment, on a 30-point scale…with the added dimension of comments from patients. Here are the factors of positive and effective communication to be measured and my take on the top two:

1. TRUST (EFFECTIVE vs. INEFFECTIVE TALKS)

2. COMMUNICATION (RESPONSIVE vs. REACTIVE TALKS)

3. AVAILABILITY (OPEN vs. CLOSED PROBLEM-SOLVING DISCUSSIONS)

4. ENVIRONMENT (POSITIVE vs. NEGATIVE COMMUNICATION CLIMATE)

Making us all feel like jerks, knee-jerk communication is a leading cause of miscommunication, causing hard feelings. These resentments cause low ratings, helping to make a point. But how do we walk the talk of good communication? How do we make positive and effective communication more natural in fast-moving and stressful office environments?

JUST TALK: BUILDING TRUST THROUGH POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

MOTOMAN, Inc. President Craig Jennings is ahead of the communication game. He intends to build trust and good communication from the top, through all levels of his organization, and no one is going to stop him. MOTOMAN, Inc. Vice-President of Human Resources and Facilities, Mike Gabbard also knows that good talk isn’t cheap but priceless…as we put our minds together to promote good talk. Mr. Gabbard taught me that trying to talk across different levels of the organization, to opposing communicator types, is fraught with difficulties and speed bumps or slick oil patches that can spin off our communicator cars right off Talk Highway.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS ARE TAUGHT, NOT BOUGHT

That’s why, at MOTOMAN, Inc., we’re all working together to improve communication at all levels of the company, beginning at the top! In fact, I’ve just finished the communication training manual, Just Talk: Building Trust Through Positive and Effective Communication, for this Yaskawa company. It’s a communication trip we won’t soon forget. Here’s what we’re doing at MOTOMAN to make all of us better communicators, by using the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication education system:

1. Employees and managers will learn the important skill of typecasting, or how to know the communication type of your talk partner — and yourself.

2. Employees and managers will learn to use confirming talk in difficult situations by using The Clarifying Talk Tool.

3. Employees and managers will feel prepared and enabled to give and receive corrective feedback.

4. Employees and managers will markedly improve their listening skills.

5. Employees and managers will become responsive — vs. reactive — communicators by using The Communication Matrix.

6. Employees and managers will communicate more effectively in ways that build trust, clarify difficult issues, and avoid costly communication mistakes.

7. Employees and managers will use the Talk to Me© communication tools that work at all levels of the organization, creating a positive work atmosphere.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the founder of New Insights Communication, a relationship communications coaching and corporate training company located in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, a M.A. degree in College Counseling from Michigan State University, and The Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dr. O’Grady is the president-elect of the Dayton Psychological Association. His latest book, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, is available at Amazon and drogrady.com. You can talk with Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.

Prejudices: Empathizer vs. Instigator Communicators

I HAVE A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU

Are you prejudiced for or against the Empathizer or Instigator communicator style? Of course you are. As I continue to utilize the Talk to Me© effective communication system in corporate training and relationship communication coaching programs, I repeatedly find that once clients or trainees know their types, they realize that they have a bone to pick with their opposite types. In fact, I’ve run directly into a wall of prejudices each type has of the other. It appears that if we don’t like how we’re being conversed with and treated, we pull a sophisticated blame move I affectionately call Psychoanalytical Critiquing. That’s practicing psychology without a license!

PSYCHOANALYTICAL CRITIQUES, EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR STYLE

Blame the other person for a miscommunication? Not on your watch, so you say. But here is a litany of criticisms, fair or unfair, fact or fancy, that need to be faced (not feared) by every positive communicator who intends to unblock backups caused by accidents on Talk Highway:

CRITIQUE OF E-TYPES BY I-TYPES — CRITIQUE OF I-TYPES BY E-TYPES

The I-type thinks — You are too sensitive.

The E-type assumes — You are too insensitive.

The I-type thinks — You are too generous.

The E-type assumes — You are too selfish.

The I-type thinks — You are too passive.

The E-type assumes — You are too aggressive.

The I-type thinks — You are too co-dependent.

The E-type assumes — You are too independent.

The I-type thinks — You are too conforming.

The E-type assumes — You are too rebellious.

The I-type thinks — You worry too much.

The E-type assumes — You don’t worry about anything.

The I-type thinks — You are too frigid.

The E-type assumes — You are too free with your sexuality.

The I-type thinks –You are too depressed.

The E-type assumes — You are too hyper-optimistic.

The I-type thinks — You don’t take very good care of yourself.

The E-type assumes — You only take care of yourself.

The I-type thinks — You talk too much.

The E-type assumes — You never put your ideas on the table.

The I-type thinks — You are too laid back.

The E-type assumes — You are too driven.

The I-type thinks — You are too easy-going.

The E-type assumes — You are too critical.

The I-type thinks — You are too prudent.

The E-type assumes — You are too impudent.

The I-type thinks — You are a perfectionist.

The E-type assumes — You are a workaholic.

The I-type thinks — You are too wishy-washy.

The E-type assumes — You are stubborn as a mule.

The I-type thinks — You are too emotionally needy.

The E-type assumes — You don’t need anybody.

The I-type thinks — You are too downheartened.

The E-type assumes — You don’t feel anything.

I-types think — You are too demanding.

E-types assume — You don’t care.

I-types think — You pout like a big baby.

E-types assume — You don’t get mad, you get even.

I-types think — You can’t stand going it alone.

E-types assume — You are a loner.

I-types think — You are as dumb as a rock.

E-types assume — You are too smart for your own good.

I-types think — You get along with everyone.

E-types assume — You can’t get along with anyone who disagrees with you.

I-types think — You don’t know what you want.

E-types assume — You only think about your own wants.

I-types think — You can’t ever be satisfied.

E-types assume — You ought to be satisfied with what you’ve got.

I-types think — You can’t let go of fear and relax.

E-types assume — You’re mad and grumpy too much of the time.

I-types think — You beat up on yourself.

E-types assume — You don’t listen to corrective feedback.

I-types think — You shut down when you’re hurt.

E-types assume — You can’t think straight and talk crooked when you’re mad.

I-types think — You’re too good for your own good.

E-types assume — You think I’m bad when you’re mad.

I types think — You’re drug down by guilt.

E-types assume — You don’t feel guilty enough.

I-types think — You don’t let anything go.

E-types assume — You want to get past the past or throw in the towel.

I-types think — You’re too patient.

E-types assume — You’re too impatient.

I-types think — You’re afraid of success.

E-types assume — You’re afraid of failure.

I-types think — You’re a martyr who suffers.

E-types assume — You’re a persecutor who makes others suffer.

I-types think — You’re afraid of conflict.

E-types assume — You love conflict.

I-types think — You think God is a killjoy.

E-types assume — You think joy is God.

I-types think — You can’t stand being happy.

E-types assume — You can’t buy happiness.

CONNECT THE DOTS BETWEEN YOUR HEAD AND YOUR HEART

Use this list (which can be found on pp.189-192, Talk to Me) before you decide to confront someone by launching a criticism or hurling an insult. You must prepare before you go to the Communicator Table. Remember, the traits above which are in normal type are criticisms often levied at Empathizers during a heated discussion. The traits in italicized type are frequent E-type criticisms of Instigators. Just because your talk partner makes these remarks doesn’t make them true. Only wear the shoe if it fits!

THE COMMUNICATOR TABLE:  PREPARE … CLARIFY … CONFIRM … LISTEN UP!

Why must you prepare in advance of an important conversation? Practicing new talk strategies in several scenarios that might come up during the conversation will make you more confident and able to dodge potholes in the Talk Highway. When you feel fearful or frustrated, there are increased chances that you will become a reactive and inaccurate communicator. And if you react too much, you are going to need psychoanalysis, because your talk partners will call 911 and tell the responders that you’re talking gibberish and incoherently. It’s hard to talk with others when your foot is in your mouth!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., is the founder of New Insights Communication, a relationship communications coaching and corporate training company located in Dayton, Ohio. Dennis holds a B.A. degree from Michigan State University, an M.A. degree in College Counseling from Michigan State University, and The Doctorate of Psychology degree from Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. Dr. O’Grady is the president-elect of the Dayton Psychological Association. His latest book is Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, available at Amazon and drogrady.com. You can talk to Dr. O’Grady today by calling (937) 428-0724.

Can You Walk In The Talk Shoes Of An Instigator Communicator?

IF THE SHOE FITS

Can you walk in the talk shoes of an Instigator (I-type) communicator who is known to have thick skin? What if you’re a thin-skinned, Empathizer (E-type) communicator? How are you supposed to keep your feelings in check around The Logical One?

Now, if you are an E-type, chances are you’ve inadvertently run headlong into a talk collision — or three — with an Instigator communicator at some point. It’s not your fault! As an Empathizer, you probably have concluded that I-types are “high task (vs. touch) and coldly logical.” But that’s not enough information to map out your next communication move on the congested and fast-moving two-way communicator highway. So, what are you supposed to do when you’re traveling with an insensitive communicator passenger or driver?

CHANGING THE FLAT TIRE OF BAD COMMUNICATION, INSTIGATOR STYLE

Here then are a few key summary points about how Instigator-type communicators (p. 148-149, Talk to Me) drive and operate quite differently from E-types, on the two-way communicator highway…in the lanes of Beliefs and Behaviors.

Instigator-type communicators:

  • Are intimidated by the E-types’ relationship skills
  • Value protecting loved ones, country, company
  • By nature, are big thinkers who don’t mind disagreeing
  • Dislike hurting others but are too insensitive to the others’ feelings
  • Will push their points of view, and push back effectively
  • Enjoy talking confidently and persuasively
  • Act like they don’t fear corrective criticisms
  • Give themselves huge challenges on regular basis
  • Have the attitude of, “It’s only business, it’s nothing personal!” to keep resentment in check
  • Are fired up by unfair criticism as in, “Well, I’ll show you….”
  • See compliments as unnecessary, perhaps insincere, and demotivational
  • Drive the mood of the office or household, for better or worse
  • Are comfortable being in the middle of the action but can feel weary
  • Are progress- and change-centered, and they tend to be a smart workers
  • Are achievement-centered throughout life
  • Are impatient if results don’t come quickly enough for them
  • Find that, when their energy is down, driving performance speeds up
  • Are bored by soft voices, drooping postures or facial signs of disinterest
  • Will stick to repeating logical points when emotions run high
  • Prone to excessive self-esteem but can feel insecure
  • When distressed, can’t bite their tongues and will say something stupid
  • Will be stubborn like a mule when they should sit back and listen up
  • Are doers to a fault and have trouble being in a relaxing pose
  • Use a this-is-now approach: “Since I apologized for my mistake, let’s move on and get on down the road!”
  • Can’t see how only talking about the “elephant in the room” helps clean up the piles of dung or mess left
  • Are cool under pressure…putting out fires…but they may stir the pot
  • Rely on the mind and intellectual powers as prime driving forces

A NATURAL BORN LEADER

If you are an I-type, then you are a natural-born leader, willing and able to take charge any time. You understand that your words say as much as your actions do.

JUST TALK: BUILDING TRUST THROUGH POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

Are you able to walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Please don’t tell me you can’t explain at least three of the crucial differences between Empathizer-type (E-type) and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators by NOW. The benefit to you of knowing these differences — or how opposite talk types attract and repel — is far greater communicator effectiveness and fewer misunderstandings. Just you check it out for yourself and see!

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

Open-Minded Listening Tips

INTERACTIVE LISTENING

Did you know that 70-75% of good communication involves being an interactive listener? But do you really understand the talk preferences of your co-communicator? As a communications psychologist, I’ve been paid to listen for 30+ years, and I haven’t begun to scratch the surface of the science of effective listening. That being said, here are a few general strategies to help you listen with the combined strengths of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators…

1. BE CALM

Listening Tip: Think — “I’m going to turn my full attention to the speaker now and tune out everything else that’s begging for my consideration.”

2. FOCUS

Listening Tip: Think — “I can do this listening-with-all-ears-open thing by tuning in only to the message of the speaker and by actively listening to what’s being said.”

3. DON’T JUMP TO CONCLUSIONS

Listening Tip: Think — “Here I go again, thinking that the speaker doesn’t know what he or she is talking about. Enough of the Doubting Thomas stuff. Focus in and listen up!”

4. GO EASY

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Easy does it. Now is not the time to be the harried rabbit, running for all you’re worth to win the race. Slow is better…slow down you mind and listen up! You’re doing pretty darned good so far.”

5. ENCOURAGE POSITIVE TALK

Listening Tip: Think — “My listening skills are improving a little every day in every way. Take a deep breath and relax! This might be a good time to summarize and repeat what I think I heard the speaker say. Ready?!”

6. CHECK IT OUT

Listening Tip: Think — “It takes courage to verify what someone else is saying, especially when emotions are running high and the speaker isn’t happy. Way to go!”

7. BACK PAT

Listening Tip: Think — “O.K. Being a good listener automatically puts me in the spotlight, as I work hard to satisfy my customers and determine how I can progressively better serve them…important customers which include first, myself; secondly, with whomever I’m speaking; and thirdly, my spouse and children, who need to sound off sometimes. Keep up the good work of listening dude!”

SOUND OFF

Although Empathizer and Instigator communicators listen quite differently, the listening tips above work for both types of communicators. Since E-type speakers aren’t used to being heard–be prepared when you listen up! And since I-type speakers aren’t used to being in the passenger’s seat when communicating–be prepared to relax and take it easy once in a while. Relaxing, opening your mind, and going easy is what effective listening is all about.

ABOUT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone” which is a leadership training workbook and is available in the resource store at his Web site www.drogrady.com. In this inspiring new communication approach, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. You can receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.”