Giving Clear Feedback

OPENING SWOLLEN AND CLOSED UP EARS

Giving clear feedback is a skill at which the master communicator has become proficient. All of us fear confrontation and conflict that is hurtful instead of helpful. Muddy feedback feels confusing and demeaning. Clear feedback is direct and illuminating. It’s different strokes for different folks, too. In the Talk to Me© communication system, clear feedback is difficult for Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators to give because they feel it too often hurts feelings. Clear feedback is also a challenge for Instigator-type (I-type) communicators to receive, because they think two sides to every story can be told. Overall, the point of giving clear feedback is to promote positive changes that benefit all the people paddling in the same canoe.

WHY GIVE FEEDBACK?

In delivering quality feedback, the difficulty is that strong feelings emerge, making ears swollen and closed up. What can happen when constructive feedback isn’t effectively given or if it’s not heard in an efficient or timely fashion? Well, here are four spirit-killers of companies, teams, and families, which result from fear of giving feedback due to apprehension about retaliation:

PARALYSIS. I-type communicators become frustrated because the same old, same old bad stuff keeps boomeranging right on back, producing the same so-so levels of performance.

WALLS. E-type communicators, who have solutions to vexing problems, will keep their great (and greatest) ideas to themselves, stowed low behind their high walls of resentment.

IDEA DEPRIVATION. When E-types’ passionate ideas are tied together with the progressive I-type tenacity, the resulting unbeatable team is one that unleashes the key energies and breakthroughs to allow a company to keep running ahead of the pack.

TURNOVER. The best and brightest E- and I-types will leave organizations (couples, families) to seek greener grass, which is right under their feet…if anyone cared enough to water and fertilize it.

All of us fear conflict and unnecessary confrontation. Since most of us have had the unpleasant and distasteful experience of being on the receiving end of negative feedback that’s akin to getting your skin pricked with needles or chewed on by fleas, it’s no wonder giving feedback is such a fierce challenge for all of us Empathizer and Instigator communicators. What a bear!

5 STEPS TO GIVING CLEAR FEEDBACK

You are a good role model of giving clear feedback, because you don’t want to wait until it’s too late for the feedback recipient to change. Here are the five steps used in the boss or supervisory role:

1. PREPARE TO GIVE THE FEEDBACK
2. TELL THE RECIPIENT OF THE FEEDBACK WHY YOU’RE TALKING
3. TELL THE RECIPIENT WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL
4. ASK FOR INPUT TO CLARIFY THE FEEDBACK
5. MAKE A PLAN TO HELP THE RECIPIENT ADDRESS THE SHORTCOMINGS STATED IN THE FEEDBACK

You will want to write out your clear and direct change message, to keep you from straying away from the message content when the typhoon of emotions arise. Additionally, you won’t be distracted or DEFLECTED from taking control of the situation. Moreover, you will send the genuine message that you value the other person as an integral part of your personal growth and relational life. Then, together, you CAN develop a business plan to correct the matter without further blowing up bridges of trust.

Let’s examine a real life example of giving clear and directive feedback. Here are 5 steps you can follow to give feedback that makes good changes happen fast — and last — using the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system:

STEP 1: PREPARE TO TELL THEM

The golden rule of giving clear feedback is never-ever-ever just wing it or fly by the seat of your pants! You should write down in advance a clear script of what you are going to say. How to get ready? Well, what is at the heart of your core message?

Example: Joe isn’t making enough sales calls. Joe is a company veteran. Joe receives bonuses based on sales. What’s happening with Joe? He needs to be making those sales calls. I can keep in my mind the key items and focus of what I need and want to say. I don’t think I will stray off track. I’ll keep my notes at hand, but I think I’m ready now to sit down with Joe to talk about what’s the matter. (Practice saying the core message out loud a few times before your meeting.)

STEP 2: MENTION WHY YOU’RE TALKING

Be clear and direct about why you’re having the conversation. Don’t beat around the bush with either communicator type when you two sit down at the communicator table to have an intense talk. Be explicit about, “The reason I want to talk with you is….”

Example: Joe, the reason I want to talk with you is your unwillingness or inability to make 15 sales calls per week. You are consistently not meeting your goal, and I feel we need to discuss why this is.

STEP 3: EXPLAIN WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL

Can you walk in the shoes of your opposite communicator type? Of course you can. For example, Empathizers prefer to hear what you THINK about the problem, while Instigators prefer to hear how you FEEL about the situation. Neither approach is wrong, just different. Use any combination of “I think…because,” or “I feel…because,” statements in order to net the best results.

Example: Joe, I feel concerned (disappointed, depressed, upset, angry, etc.). Joe, it disappoints me BECAUSE you’re not making even the minimal level of calls. Joe, I’m concerned BECAUSE you’re a veteran sales person in this company. You’ve been with the company 30 years. People look up to you and your experience. If you’re not making the calls and setting the example for the younger sales people, then they won’t make the calls, based on the bad example, which will prevent them from being successful. Joe, the other reason it concerns me is that BECAUSE you’ve worked for the company for 30 years, you’re expecting a certain income level. With the compensation being variable as your work is reflected, the fact that you’re not making the calls, could affect your future income….

E-types will DO something stupid (like quitting) as an indirect way of giving tough feedback, while I-types will SAY something stupid (shoot off their mouth) as a distracting way of receiving tough feedback. (Both are avoidance tactics that confuse communication. Deflecting good feedback that encourages you to look in the mirror of change isn’t useful.)

STEP 4: ASK FOR INPUT

Sincerely ask for input and listen to the responses. Listen up and don’t interrupt! This final part of Giving Clear Feedback takes the longest time. You are listening to what the feedback recipient has to say, and you don’t want to be steered in a non-productive direction. So, Listen up and don’t interrupt!

Boss: Joe, I want your input. How do you feel about that, Joe? How would you like to respond to what I’ve said? What are your thoughts? (This is the complex part and it’s not simple. The speaker may wander around and you will have to bring him/her back.)

Employee, Joe: I don’t believe in the product….I don’t want to work that hard….I didn’t realize the younger guys looked up to me….My mother just died….I haven’t been paying attention because I’ve got a sick kid at home….My wife/husband just left me….I don’t have any energy, and my physician can’t tell me why….(Uncovers what’s going on in a person’s life…mother is dying so employee is not paying attention, etc.)

We’re all SO naive to think personal life doesn’t affect business, or the reverse. Although this is the longest and least structured part of an “everyone wins” conversation, you will learn that by walking in the shoes of your opposite communicator type, you will avoid unnecessary losses and unfortunate misunderstandings that harm us all.

STEP 5: MAKE A PLAN

The hardest thing to do relationship-wise is to confront issues and follow through with indicated disciplinary actions. But doing so enables everyone to flush out the issues, allows the receiver to feel heard and valued, gives tough love that is received in like-kind, and brainstorms good options to get things back on track. Thus, these are truly corrective actions that will make life much better for everyone involved.

Boss: How do you feel about that now, Joe? Are we clear about the next steps we need to take? And the results that are expected? Great. I think we’ve flushed out the issues and how to change the situation. These are ways we’ve both freely agreed to correct the problem: X/Y/Z.

NO ONE LIKES CORRECTIVE FEEDBACK, ACTION PLANS, CORRECTIVE ACTIONS BUT….

More people loathe than love negative feedback. But without corrective negative feedback we can travel in circles, lost in a swamp or on the outerbelt of the Communication Highway, and never reach civilization or our destination. We can do better than that. Here are the five steps again ….

1. PREPARE TO TELL THE RECIPIENT
2. TELL THE RECIPIENT WHY YOU’RE TALKING
3. TELL THE RECIPIENT WHAT YOU THINK OR FEEL
4. ASK FOR INPUT TO CLARIFY THE ISSUE
5. MAKE A PLAN TO CORRECT THE ISSUE

Listen to what THEY have to say? Yes, if you’re using The Cliff Notes version for giving clear and direct feedback using the Talk to Me© communication system. It’s the best game in town to ensure that you’re being heard, if the person you’re talking with isn’t about playing the games people play.

DRIVING ON THE TWO-WAY TALK HIGHWAY — REASONS FOR GIVING CLEAR, DIRECT AND DIRECTIVE FEEDBACK

By the time you reach the junction of the FEEDBACK FUNCTION, everyone present can leave with a plan to fix the problem, and each person knows and understands that results will be accounted for, as in “I’ll be watching you….” Why go to all this trouble to talk? The truth of the matter of talk: Clear communication, as opposed to confusing communication, works untold miracles. Are you a miracle-worker? Of course you are. Giving good, clear feedback, using the Talk to Me© system is useful in working miracles BECAUSE…

  • You write out the message
  • It’s non-threatening but to the point
  • You don’t beat around the bush
  • You get right to the point
  • You stay on your intended message
  • You personalize the discussion by stating genuine concern for the person
  • You devise a plan
  • Yes, you feel chastised…but you feel good about it
  • You aren’t accusatory…you don’t make accusations about anything
  • Your communication is a combination of business and personal
  • There’s no retaliation
  • There’s precious little critical parent interrogation
  • You don’t dress someone down
  • You stay in control of your strong emotions
  • You don’t allow talks to spin out of control and land you in a ditch

That’s why “talking sense to yourself and others” works so well!

WHY DOES BEING A RESPONSIVE COMMUNICATOR WORK?

Why does it work? Because you are being a responsive, not a reactionary, communicator, who is putting up with changeable frustrations or putting others down who need to give change a chance. You are using an approach that borrows from the best of both worlds of Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators, an approach that fuses together the combined traits of sensitive and insensitive communication styles to get the point across.

GIVING CLEAR FEEDBACK IS A SKILL AT WHICH THE MASTER COMMUNICATOR HAS BECOME PROFICIENT

Giving clear feedback is an acquired skill of good communication, between equal human beings at disparate levels in an organization. Delivering quality feedback is not for the faint-hearted or coward who picks at the toothpick in your eye, all the while ignoring the tree in his/her own eye.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship communications coach, corporate trainer and pioneer of the innovative Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head, inside your company, and inside your relationships. Communication mistakes and accidents plague us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationship emotions. Just try out the results of good communication for yourself!

Good Communication Isn’t A Fluke

DON’T LISTEN TO NEGATIVE FEEDBACK FROM NEGATIVE PEOPLE YOU DON’T RESPECT…GOOD COMMUNICATION ENERGIZES YOU

Good communication isn’t a fluke. It involves a simple system of enlightened moves. Sure, you have to work at the Talk to Me© system a little bit, but you’ll have fun getting results that motivate and inspire you. Do you have a lot of inner-personal communication power? Good communication first begins with how you talk to you. Good communication energizes YOU, while negative communication drains energy out of your communicator car battery, making you feel distressed. When you feel badly, you’re prone to making mistakes or doing things that are detrimental to you. Meanwhile, the energy of your motivation drive can freeze up because all of your energy is being drained right out of you.

TYPECASTING SKILLS CLIFF NOTES…DO YOU KNOW WITH WHOM YOU ARE TALKING?

Do you know the communicator type of your talk partner? One way to tell is how a communicator treats the self during difficult times. Some of your most important communication — how you talk to yourself — occurs when you’re cut off in communication traffic and are steamed under the collar….

ARE YOU TALKING TO AN EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR?

Empathizer (E-type) communicators can suffer from low self-esteem and end up being their own worst energy enemies, as they cut themselves down with self-criticism, unfair comparisons to others, or downright mean self-shredding about mistakes made.

Be advised: E-types are more sensitive to you and less sensitive to themselves, which makes them feel down and glum, and they act moronic.

In short, my dear E-types, inaccurate negative self-talk is a bad habit that can be broken!

ARE YOU TALKING TO AN INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR?

In opposite fashion, Instigator (I-type) communicators can suffer from excessive self-esteem and sound boastful when trying too hard to talk up their personal assets, in order to avoid negative emotions. Being an optimist isn’t always helpful when trying to problem-solve tough, painful situations.

Be advised: I-types are less sensitive to you and more sensitive to themselves, making them feel angry, anxious and scared, and they talk stupidly.

In short, my dear I-types, inaccurate positive self-talk is a bad habit that can be broken!

ADOPTING THE STRENGTHS OF YOUR OPPOSITE COMMUNICATOR STYLE

IF ONLY…both of these communicator styles would stretch into the unknown style of the opposite communicator type. Much less emotional extremism or psychodrama would materialize! E-types could better boost their spirits with the assistance of positive believing, and I-types could look more objectively in the self-analysis mirror. Both types would get a better grip on relationship realities, and positive change would happen fast and last.

ARE YOU A POSITIVE TALKER OR A NEGATALKER?

Do you let up on the criticism when you’re feeling let down? In general, are you a positive talker or a negatalker? Or are you a legend in your own mind, one who doesn’t really know what others truly think about you? Let’s find out how open you are to good communication. Simply answer yes (agree) or no (disagree) to these communicator statements:

  • I purposely pick myself up when I’m feeling down
  • I slow down when I’m talking too fast
  • I go the extra mile and smile when I’m feeling bad
  • I change what isn’t working in my life
  • I show how much I like people
  • I don’t interrupt in the middle of a sentence, to talk over the speaker
  • I daily show my life partner and customers my caring in words and through deeds
  • I use a goals map to know where I’m traveling
  • I am a happy person and don’t stow it, but show it
  • I listen to fair complaints with an open mind
  • I don’t listen to negative feedback from people I don’t respect
  • I know the grass is greenest where you take care of it
  • I put off procrastinating
  • I make sure to warmly thank ALL the people who support me
  • I let up on the criticism when I’m feeling let down

If you answered yes to MOST of the above items, and if your closest associates and life partner would agree that you do these things, then you are a clear, positive communicator who doesn’t send confusing messages or give wrong directions to others who are lost.

HAVE YOU NOTICED THAT NEGATIVE EMOTIONS…NEGATIVE THINKING…NEGATIVE BEHAVIORS…NEGATIVE TALKING…DO NOT TYPICALLY CHANGE ANYTHING?

How you feel and think about yourself energizes or depresses you and those with whom you come into contact. E-types are expert criticizers, and I-types are expert flatterers. Neither is better or worse. There is a time and a season for both skills in the Great Universe of Good Communication.

Have you noticed that self-critiquing or self-promoting often doesn’t foster positive changes in your life? Accurate positive talk keeps you going at even speeds, while negative talks alternately make you speed up fast, then slam on your brakes hard, then accelerate fast, then….

HAVING MORE PERSONAL ENERGY ISN’T A FLUKE…IT’S UP TO YOU!

Having more personal energy isn’t a fluke! Energy is created by how negatively/positively and accurately you talk with yourself and others. Are you a positive talker who focuses on gain and hope, or a negatalker who’s constantly critical and fearful of loss? Truth be told: Some of your most important communication, how you talk to yourself, matters most when you’re cut off in communication traffic and steamed under the collar.

How you talk with yourself will either speed up the changes you hope to make or slam down the brakes hard on your self-confidence.

ARE YOU ENJOYING THE TRIP OF THIS LIFETIME?

Aren’t you enjoying this trip of a lifetime? Are you in a good or bad mood? Are you enjoying a communicator trip you won’t soon forget? When you use the Talk to Me© system, one of the key benefits you will realize is more energy. What do I mean? You will experience your energy levels as filling up instead of draining out, gaining instead of losing, optimistic instead of pessimistic, a life that is fun-filled instead of drama-filled, self-confidence instead of self-shredding, feeling like a miracle instead of a mess, and pushing for action instead of procrastinating. If you can’t believe these results, then you haven’t been driving in the four Talk Lanes of the TALK TO ME system.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the Talk to Me© effective communication system that will quickly improve your communication skills in your personal relationships as well as at work. Why invest a few bucks and a little time to better your communication style in streamlined steps? Why not! Bad communication is like throwing opportunities and money right out the window of your blue or burnt orange communicator car. Good communication pays big dividends, while the Blame Game drives you and your relationship into a ditch.

Refusing to change the oil in your car means you will get a few miles down Talk Highway, but you will burn your engine out and need to call a tow truck. The TALK TO ME system is comprised of clear rules to make your trip down the two-way communicator highway effective and enjoyable. “The light bulb came on!” effect is just one of the key benefits you’ll receive when you personally use this innovative approach to good communication.

Don’t feel like you’re in the driver’s seat of your own life? Start preparing to get your license to drive on the two-way communicator highway today! Get improved communication results that will benefit everyone with whom you correspond, in the workplace or at home. When you use the TALK TO ME effective communication system, you’ll experience a communication trip you won’t soon forget!

Confusing Communication

STEER CLEAR OF CONFUSING COMMUNICATORS

Confusing communication causes conflict. You feel like you’ve failed to make the grade, but you’re not sure exactly what you did wrong. If you could see through the eyes of a narrow-minded communicator, your life vision would be blurred. You should steer clear of confusing communicators, especially when you hear their words as opinions with an agenda, or pure gospel.

YOU’RE NOT HEARING A WORD I’M SAYING

So, how do you know that you’re in a bewildering relationship filled with confusing communication? The standard negative talk pattern of the confusing communicator is DEFLECTION. For example, each numbered declaration below is “defensively deflected” with a re-direct that sounds good, but may be false in reality.

Ready now to observe deflection of straight talk in action?

1. You don’t listen to a word I say.

Confusing Communicator: I didn’t do it intentionally, and I’m truly sorry for any pain I’ve caused you.

2. You haven’t shown me any changes.

Confusing Communicator: I feel damned if I do change and damned if I don’t change. I would do anything for you, but why isn’t this change-thing a fifty-fifty deal?

3. We can’t express opinions without an argument ensuing.

Confusing Communicator: You’ve got to have a give-and-take that’s fair. I’m not arguing, but I am expressing what I believe in.

4. You’re too worried what others think.

Confusing Communicator: If you’re done, tell me right now, and I’ll walk away. Are you done?

5. Your actions speak louder than words.

Confusing Communicator: I want to show you by my actions that I care, but you’re not making yourself available. I don’t mean anything personal by what I’ve said before. I don’t have control over everything, you know.

6. You don’t help out around here.

Confusing Communicator: It’s not that I’m too lazy to do what you want me to do, but why should I have to always follow your rules on your time schedule?

7. You’re so sweet, then you can be so mean. I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you.

Confusing Communicator: I’m fighting for you, not with you. I’m fighting for our future. I fight tooth-and-nail because I love you so much. Sometimes I do say things, out of anger, which I don’t mean.

8. We don’t accomplish anything by talking.

Confusing Communicator: I take things very personally. I don’t want to feel that screwed up. I don’t turn it around on you. Your view is that I’m bashing you, but I’m just trying to point out what you’re not doing right.

9. You make me look like the bad guy, and that it’s all my fault.

Confusing Communicator: I want to get along with you. That’s all I really want to do, but you don’t make it any easier. We’re not going to accomplish a damn thing by always being so negative.

10. Every time I confront you, all I get back from you are a bunch of excuses.

Confusing Communicator: Sometimes you hurt the people closest to you. You know I didn’t intend to hurt you. I’m not that bad. We can get past this.

11. It’s all about you. You don’t care.

Confusing Communicator: You act like it’s all about me. I’m not putting blame, but if you can’t show me respect, then I have to look out for myself. You’ve always had a problem expressing your feelings and emotions. I need to be shown that I’m loved and respected physically and emotionally.

12. If it’s not your way, it’s the highway.

Confusing Communicator: There have been times when I tried to make plans that didn’t fit your ideas, but they didn’t work out. Are you saying that’s my fault?

13. You lie and fabricate.

Confusing Communicator: I don’t want to fight with you. I’m sure there have been times when I have told a tiny white lie, but I can’t give you any specifics. Sometimes I try to put my best foot forward by making myself look bigger than I am.

14. You always have to save face and look good in the eyes of others.

Confusing Communicator: I’ve grown up with people telling me I can’t do it my entire life. What’s wrong with striving to impress others with how good a person I hope to be? You think I don’t care if it’s not what you want to hear.

15. I feel like we’re beating a dead horse.

Confusing Communicator: I’m not trying to turn it back on you or make you look like the bad guy. You’re saying I’m not listening to what you say, but I’m just not agreeing with you. I have my own opinions and own views and because it’s not the way you believe, you say that we’re beating a dead horse.

16. You always turn it around on me to make it look like it’s my fault.

Confusing Communicator: You say I will argue with you until the end of time. I’m not making you look like the bad guy, and I don’t tell lies about you behind your back. Not once have I said I’m not at fault, either.

17. Whatever I say falls on deaf ears.

Confusing Communicator: Whatever the problems happen to be, let’s get busy and work on them. I’m disappointed that you didn’t hit me in the head with a 2×4 so I would have known that something was going on.

These are some of the telltale signposts of confusing, one-way talking that stomp on your last nerve, leaving you feeling mad as hell.

CRAZY AS A LOON OR CRAZYMAKING IN RELATIONSHIPS?

So do you feel crazy in love or made crazy from trying to communicate with the confusing communicator? When you feel like you’re putting 80% of your energy into a relationship and beating a dead horse…you are. Can you figure a way out of here? Actually, you see the elephant in the room but when you speak of it, you feel that you are contradicted and made to look crazy, to blame, insecure, or insincere.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist, relationship coach, corporate trainer, and keynote speaker. His areas of focus are change management, constructive team relationships, and effective communication. Dennis is the developer of the powerful new Talk to Me© effective listening and leadership communication training system. Copies of his book are available at www.drogrady.com and at Amazon. Get your roadmap to communication success today by calling and personally consulting with Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D.

The Cold Communicator

FATAL ATTRACTION…PLAY MISTY FOR ME

What are the core characteristics of the difficult person or “cold communicator” in your life? The affect is always the same: You feel like you’re going crazy, being driven up a wall and down again; spinning and rotating, wrapped around the axle of the difficult one; feeling anxious as you try to figure it all out; scratching your head and wondering why you deserve such brutal rejection. “I just want us to be close!” bellows the cold communicator as the dagger is plunged into your back again. I use various names to describe that difficult or cold communicator in your life: Negatalker…The Cagey Communicator…The Impressionator. At base, the difficult communicator plays a communication chess game with you where winning trumps a real relationship. The net result is that unnecessary loss, grief, strife, and unbridled conflict prevail to pummel peace and harmony.

CASE EXAMPLE: THE MARTYR COMMUNICATOR

Here’s how one of my communications clients, who is using the Talk to Me© system, described dealing with a difficult elder female family member:

If anybody dares not to buy into her delusion, she dumps them out of her life. She takes no hostages…and that happens to kids, friends, anyone who doesn’t buy into her story. She doesn’t listen to anybody’s advice, not even professionals. None of this had to happen. She turned down a good deal because she couldn’t have been a victim anymore. She sets it up so she loses, then acts like she had nothing to do with it…and that the other person has screwed her.

In the case above, this “martyr” plays “the victim violin,” throwing her emotions around like a bully to manipulate family members, using intimidation to force her way. Does emotional blackmail work to get others to back off? You bet it works…especially with tender-hearted Empathizer-type communicators.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE COLD COMMUNICATOR

How to tell if you’re in a relationship with a difficult negatalking communicator?

  • You will feel mentally hooked around the revolving axle of the difficult communicator….
  • You will feel like you’re going crazy….
  • You will experience being driven up the wall and down again….
  • You won’t see results, since talk is big while changed actions are small….
  • You will observe that difficult people are on a quest to be both victim and vindictive….
  • You will feel intimidated to talk honestly and openly….
  • You will worry that you might enrage the difficult person, if you speak up or tell the truth….
  • You will avoid confrontational or disagreeable talking….
  • You will go into a talk spiral and experience communication crashes….
  • Your energy will disappear down the rabbit hole just like Alice….
  • You will experience the difficult person as lazy…deceitful…cowardly.

Negatalkers will get you to own their peculiar brand of crazy. There’s never a new solution to any dilemma. You do more, get less of what you most want, and nothing changes significantly for very long. Like crazy, man.

THE NEGATIVE EMPATHIZER VS. INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR STYLE

Let’s not be lazy here, though. Difficult people are negative communicators, either Empathizer-type communicators or Instigator-type communicators. If you’re interested, you can find out your communicator type, with no strings attached, at www.drogrady.com. For now, here’s how to know with which of the two types of negative communicators you might be talking, and that includes yourself:

EMPATHIZER-: CORE TRAITS OF NEGATIVE EMPATHIZERS

  • Compliant
  • Sap
  • Modest
  • Implosive
  • Imitator
  • Wishy-washy
  • Yes, agree-able
  • Doesn’t push back
  • How you play the game
  • Sad

INSTIGATOR-: CORE TRAITS OF NEGATIVE INSTIGATORS

  • Demanding
  • Sarcastic
  • Arrogant
  • Explosive
  • Intimidator
  • Unbudging
  • No, disagree-able
  • Debates
  • Winning is everything
  • Mad

KNOWING WHAT MAKES NEGATIVE I-TYPE OR E-TYPE COMMUNICATORS TICK

My studies suggest that negative Instigators (Instigator-) make up the majority of the hard-headed, annoying, difficult people in your life, those who don’t get it or who don’t benefit from corrective feedback. Thus, they don’t follow through on needed changes that would benefit themselves, their companies, or their families. Before you try to sit down at the Communicator Table to talk to your difficult person, keep these core traits of cagey negatalkers in mind so you won’t be a sucker for their shenanigans:

1. COLD AS ICE
Cold communicators are fearful of human suffering, grief and loss, states of vulnerability, and lack of control.

2. IGNORES THE WEAK SPOT
Weakness arouses vulnerable feelings in cold communicators which cause disgust and mean knee-jerk-you-jerk explosive reactions.

3. ISOLATES, DISTRACTS, AND DEFLECTS GOOD TALK
What the cold communicator can’t control is stuck into a mental compartment — shunned, shamed, and blamed into virtual non-existence.

4. IN A STATE OF DISGRACE
Dead ears are the norm with the cold communicator, and corrective feedback isn’t heard unless it’s written on a two-by-four plank and delivered to the top of the head, repeated a dozen times.

5. BOLD-FACED LIES
“That didn’t (or won’t) happen!” rhetoric is abused as you notice that actions don’t match up with words.

6. PRIDE-FILLED AND GREEDY
“I’m not going to apologize because I didn’t do anything wrong!” and “How would you feel if you were in my shoes?!” are wrecks resulting from travel on a one-way talk street.

7. MASTERFUL MANIPULATOR
Negative labels plastered on you suggest you’re doing too much of X or not enough of Y, and therefore you should change your ways if you know what’s good for you. Either way, your not measuring up to their performance standards becomes the focus.

8. NEEDS THERAPY BUT…
Seeking outside help is shunned. However, co-workers, family, and friends of the cold communicator often read tons of books and articles or seek out therapy to deal with these crazymaking communication dynamics.

9. IT’S ALWAYS YOUR FAULT
That you’re all wrong helps get the difficult person through the day. Of course, you know doing the right thing is often so wrong for productive relationships, replete with positive emotions.

10. STRATEGIC REWARDS AND PUNISHERS
Strip it all down and the cagey communicator is calculating. He or she steals energy and hands out strategic rewards (love, money, approval, sex, time, etc.) for complying with the marching orders.

In sum, talking positively first with yourself by using the Typecasting function in the Talk to Me© system, will strengthen your will and free you from vice of the negatalker, empowering you to live your life as you want.

DIFFICULT COMMUNICATORS STEAL (OR STEEL) THE WILL…AND SICKEN (OR HEAL) THE SOUL?

Do difficult communicators steal the will and sicken the soul? Not if you’re in the driver’s seat of your life! You are steeling your will, healing your soul, and contributing your talents to a world in desperate need of them! Just goes to show though — when you restrain your mouth, your ears open up. Is the difficult person in your life really interested in bettering communication? Probably, if the stakes are high enough. It’s a Miracle On Talk Street! Moreover, as a genuine problem-solver, you walk the talk while you watch out for those difficult people who talk and sit — while you walk and carry them! When dealing with a martyr or other difficult person, I heartily suggest you adopt the strengths of both the positive Instigator or positive Empathizer communicator. Everything just might change in the blink of an eye, as the light bulb comes on in the darkness.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the original researcher and developer of the Talk to Me© communication system, which streamlines communication to be productive and useful…inside your head and inside your relationships. The Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free you from the tar baby of negative relationships or emotions.

HOPE IS HERE: WHAT ONE INSTIGATOR COMMUNICATOR HAD TO SAY ABOUT THE EASE OF LEARNING AND USING THE TALK TO ME SYSTEM

I have been reading for a while now and have already started to obtain useful information and comparisons from the TTM system. One that caught me right out of the gate:

The Talk to Me© system is designed to improve your energy and motivation, and give you the stamina to achieve your goals, by talking sensibly to yourself instead of wallowing in the mud of self-imposed self-pity. You are the perfect talk road warrior! Get that junk in your trunk out of your head. Use the spiritual tools which are neatly tucked away in your glove box. Use your communicator map to get to where you need and want to go. Otherwise, you are going to be an energy drag to be around.

I now can reflect and see all the mistakes I have made in my communications. I have new options to clarify communication with my opposite communicator type…instead of getting a reaction such as when water is poured into oil.

The Impressionator Communicator

How to know when the communicator car you’re riding in is being driven wildly by an Impressionator? Here are the emotional signposts that sensitive Empathizer communicators use:

You feel stuck in what they will or won’t do.

You don’t feel listened to.

You feel like you’re going crazy trying to understand what’s going on.

You feel drained, like you’re slogging through knee-high mud.

You feel shock and awe that everyone around you sings praises of the crafty Impressionator.

You feel sorry for their woes and misfortunes.

Impressionators have a way of, well, carefully leaving impressions in your heart and mind, but they don’t ever fully commit to showing their emotional hands.

WHO IS MS. OR MR. IMPRESSIONATOR?

I discovered the rare Impressionator communicator type while doing field research using the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system. Impressionator is the word I coined because it best fits the foot of the Cagey Communicator. Metaphors galore help define the Impressionator: The elephant in the room was brought to you by the Impressionator. The ostrich whose head is buried deep in the sand is a friend of the Impressionator. In fact, your Impressionator is as slippery as a fish. He or she is a sly-as-a-fox man or woman who can’t commit to anything except getting into your chicken coop…with your consent! Legends in their own minds, Impressionators give all who come near the impression that they are the rainmaker who will make flowers grow in the desert.

IMPRESSION MAKER + TERMINATOR

Impressionator combines impression maker and terminator because loss and grief are intricately linked to this communicator style. Where the Impressionator travels, grief and loss are soon to follow. This always describes the two faces or masks worn by the same person. The impression-maker and the terminator. There is no bigger challenge in all the communication universe than to coexist with an Impressionator! You’d better buckle up and be prepared to be surprised and vilified. The going’s going to get rough. And guess whose fault that will be? Spell the answer along with me…Y-O-U-R-S!

Have you heard the sucking noises of your energy being drained away? Are psychic bodies left strewn all around the room or corporate table when the Impressionator really lets it all hang out? Then guess with whom you’re talking and get ready to learn some new smooth moves, to keep your wits about you and help lower your anxiety level.

WHO IS MS. OR MR. IMPRESSIONATOR?

Actually, Impressionators are remarkable communicators who produce powerful results by making you think what they want you to think, and, simultaneously, convincing you to fear a future loss by following a current recommended course of action. (Are you confused about why one would fear a future loss, then keep following the recommended course of action to cause the loss? Control, baby, control!) Between the lines of actual communication, charming, charismatic, aw shucks innocence is used to speak volumes of commands to you, netting these affects in you:

  • You feel like you’re crazy when talks go bad with the Impressionator
  • A tall wall is thrown up whenever you question the actions of an Impressionator
  • Talking with the Impressionator is more painful than pulling teeth
  • “It’s wasn’t my fault!” is always the stated and implied message
  • Unnecessary business or personal blunders will be repetitively made and always rationalized
  • Arrogant stubbornness: “Why should I always be the one who has to change?”
  • Impressionators’ ears hear only what they want to hear, and it must always be in support of their beliefs and positions
  • Almost everyone who doesn’t really know your special Impressionators will love them and think you’re SO lucky
  • You feel treated like a second-class citizen, unimportant, led on, left hanging
  • The very rules that you feel honor-bound to follow, will be broken by the Impressionator
  • Corrective feedback is challenged with, “But I don’t always do that!”
  • What you see in public is not what you get behind closed doors, when Jekyll becomes Hyde
  • You can seldom get the Impressionator to follow-through on promises
  • For awhile, you may be given or driven to the impression that the Impressionator is working hard to improve, when in fact he or she is still being lazy, making no changes for the better

In spite of all the heartache you’ve experienced, even after the countless times you’ve been hurt or let down, you will still feel sorry for the Impressionator.

A SLICK AND TRICKY COMMUNICATOR WHO SELLS ANYTHING WITH A CON-VINCING SMILE

Impressionators are slick communicators with lots of tricks up their sleeves, making you think what they want you to think. You may feel sorry for them, because you’ve heard their sob stories. Weirdly, Impressionators can’t — or won’t — fully commit to anything. In fact, Impressionators feel caught in the middle of a conflicting life, love, or career interests which creates unnecessary division, psychodrama, and discord.

AM I THE CRAZY ONE HERE?

Do you feel crazy whenever you’re around certain people? Chances are, that’s your Impressionator, your Teacher, s/he who requires you to power up your talk skills and be in the driver’s seat of your own life…n-o-w! Does your Impressionator make you feel bad, and by using “broadcast command words,” pull the wool over everyone’s eyes? Yeah, it’s dark in there! Beware of those in-between-the-lines-of-spoken-words commands that compel you to do what you’re told.

TRAITS OF THE GREAT IMPRESSIONATOR

Impressionators have magnetic personalities that engage you while draining your energy. What to look out for if you know this negative Instigator inventor communicator:

1. TWISTED THINKING. You never feel like you get a straight answer to a simple question, and even easy topics become complex psychological talk ventures with Mr. Impressionator.

2. IMAGE IS EVERYTHING. Ms. Impressionator is a gal who is an interpersonal politician who invents an image that is designed to sell others a good guy impression.

3. MAKES MESSES. If you trace his steps and actions, Mr. Impressionator makes one mess after another in his personal relationships and in his work.

4. BRINGS DOWN. Ms. Impressionator even has the nerve to complain about how people react unkindly to the very messes she makes in their living and working spaces. She brings good things down and entices you to work harder and harder to try and make her happy.

5. HAMMERS YOU. If you question Mr. Impressionator or assertively stand up to him, you will be hammered down with all sorts of rationalizations and justifications about why he’s right and you’re wrong.

6. CLOSENESS PHOBIC. Ms. Impressionator lives by The Best Little Whorehouse… movie musical lines: “Now you see me, now you don’t!”

7. CONFUSION. Mr. Impressionator ebbs and flows like the tides at the Outer Banks, while you get sunburned and feel confused…and then blame yourself for what went wrong.

8. A BOLD-FACED LIAR. Ms. Impressionator tells such big lies that you might just be tempted to think there’s some truth to them. The biggest lie of all: “There’s nothing I could have done differently, so it’s not my fault!”

9. HYPNOTIZER. Just because someone says something doesn’t make it so! Don’t be hypnotized by reverse psychology, because what Mr. Impressionator criticizes as your weakness, is in fact a pure strength of leadership.

10. LAZY BONES. Ms. Impressionator thinks winning means that you try harder and put more energy into the relationship than she does.

11. A MAGNETIC PERSONALITY. How cute and quaint that Mr. Impressionator sells everyone on his appearance of normalcy and niceness, while making you feel crazy but intrigued.

12. QUICK TO BLAME. Justifying how, “It’s not my fault, because people were doing it to me, so I couldn’t control it!” Fact is, you have a control freak, an anti-change, or rigid-thinking junkie on your hands.

13. IMPLIED MESSAGES. What isn’t said, what’s left out of the conversation, and what’s implied in statements are hypnotic messages meant to wear you down so you’ll agree with his or her viewpoint.

14. TERRIBLE TWOS. When Ms. Impressionator can’t have her way, she will pout and shout about how unfair you’re being, and then she’ll throw a temper tantrum that would put a two-year-old in stitches.

15. WEAR YOU DOWN. Mr. Impressionator doesn’t take no for an answer and will wear you down with logical arguments until you stop standing up for yourself.

16. RUNNING THE TALK MAZE. If you want to be close to her, Ms. Impressionator makes you feel like you have to run through a maze, until your head spins, you feel confused, and you have lost your way.

17. UNHAPPY. Mr. Impressionator is never truly happy, because nothing is ever quite good enough, and you could do his work much better than you are.

In my “real world” clinical studies of communicator types, from a sample study group of 470 “normal and everyday adult people from all walks of life,” 19.8% of all communicators (male and female) you run into just might be Impressionators.

IS A BIG STRAW STUCK IN YOUR SKULL AND YOUR ENERGY BEING SUCKED OUT?

Is your energy being drained? Energy levels need to be about the same in a positive relationship. Mr. or Ms. Impressionator changes the score of the game and the minutes left to play, because she lacks integrity, and he justifies unethical actions in business and romance. Do you like a good challenge? Then try to keep up with Mr. or Ms. Impressionator, who is neither hard working nor fun nor loving over the long haul.

THE WRONG WAY OF TRAVELING WITH THE IMPRESSIONATOR

The charming and smiling Impressionator is a negative Cagey Communicator guy or gal. Watch out because you will experience identity theft. You will get caught in the communicator Tar Baby of this calculating communicator who plays with a poker face.

ABOUT DAYTON COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.As the innovator of the Talk to Me© effective communication system, Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s approach to good communication produces results that will astonish you just when you thought all hope was lost. Dennis also provides business keynotes, corporate training and relationship communications coaching, in enjoyably interactive “real life” learning training formats.