The Crafty Communicator

SLY AS A FOX

Are you dealing with a crafty, conniving communicator? What do you know? Plenty! When you feel tremendous fear or anxiety in a relationship, chances are you’re dealing with a very clever communicator, one who has a magnetic personality and who is smart as a fox. “We’re not working out…we’re not a good match!” may not be enough to get you out of the arms of the crafty communicator. Grief, too, will nip at your heels, “If she or he leaves, I will lose out on the best thing that could happen to me. Couldn’t I do more to fix this problem?” Acid test: If you can’t push back or say “No” when you are met by great debates or a sledgehammer-type talk approach, then you are dealing with a difficult cagey communicator.

HOW DO I KNOW IF I’M DEALING WITH A SLY COMMUNICATOR?

Some telltale symptoms of being in a relationship with a sly communicator…

  • They try to feed me a manure sandwich of fear-driven thinking
  • Energy-wise, I feel like I’m slogging in knee-high mud while chasing a hog
  • I feel anxious in the relationship much of the time
  • Addictions seek me out
  • I don’t feel free or able to leave the relationship
  • My mind gets obsessively stuck on what my relationship partner is or isn’t doing

Basically, you feel like you’re walking on your tiptoes on broken glass. And you never know what mood will be staring at you, from the face of your partner.

WHEN YOUR ENERGY IS BEING DRAINED BY A CRAFTY COMMUNICATOR

How to know if your energy is being stolen and controlled by your difficult relationship partner:

1. FAIRY DUST THROWN IN YOUR EYES. Your vision will be clouded by a demeanor of charming innocence. There is a wide-eyed look or beguiling voice tone used as the crafty communicator bears down on you.

2. I CAN’T TOTALLY HAVE HIM OR HER. You will sense in your gut that you really can’t stay close to the crafty communicator or attain his complete commitment.

3. YOUR FIRST AND LAST IMPRESSIONS ARE WRONG. I’ve affectionately nicknamed the crafty communicator The Impressionator, because this person can’t ever quite be tied down in words or deeds or made to keep her word. What you see is definitely not what you get.

4. THE IMPRESSIONATOR. As the master of disguises and ruses, the impression you get will be carefully contrived by the crafty communicator. You will be led to conclusions by subtle suggestions and promptings.

5. MIND-BOGGLING ANXIETY. You will have more and more and more worriment when you are involved in a relationship with the crafty communicator. Your anxiety will sky rocket when actions are taken by him to undermine your authentic love.

6. GRIEF SHATTERING YOUR HEART INTO A MILLION LITTLE PIECES. The Impressionator is a blend of “impression-maker” and “terminator.” You will feel impending loss, threat of loss, fear of loss, actual loss, future loss, loss multiplied when the crafty communicator drops your expectations in a deep bucket…then turns…and walks away.

7. EXTREMISM. You will feel, “Oh, no, this is my only option!” — “If I don’t stay with this relationship, I’ve got nothing!” — “I feel so lonely and despairing without him or her!” — “I may not be able to have all of him/her, but at least I can settle for the consolation prize of a little bit!” There is a chronic feeling of grief and loss, such as, “This is as good as life gets, so you had better take it!” You will feel like you’re wearing a heavy, water-soaked winter coat, while hiking across a mountain range.

8. WORK FOR LOVE. You will feel that you have to work hard…really hard to communicate and really hard just to get along. You’ll walk on eggshells for fear you’ll do or say something to cause another blowup. You’ll put aside your wants and needs to say “Yes” when you really want to, and should, say “No.” In short, you must work unduly hard to try to earn love, but you won’t ever be loved normally or easily…as you deserve.

9. ENERGY DRAIN. Without your clever communicator, you will have much more energy for other people, pet projects, and doing things that are pleasing to you. In the absence of your crafty communicator, all the uncertainty that has been spread around like manure, disappears.

This communicator sub-type isn’t a fluke. It’s not a bizarre or a once-in-a-lifetime encounter, either. But, you can survive the emotional vampire.

GO ON…

It takes a while to unscramble this slick and deceiving communicator puzzle so you can put all the pieces together to see the whole picture. You’ve done well. You should know that my second nickname for this communicator type, revealed through the Talk to Me© effective communication system, is Teacher. Why, you ask? Isn’t a teacher supposed to help you learn something important, something that will help you understand and be a positive member of society? Yes, and you will be taught over and over again to discover something new and empowering about yourself so you can get on with your life instead of dragging around the Impressionators’ grief baggage for them.

WHAT TO EXPECT, SHOULD YOU GO ON WITH YOUR LIFE AND LEAVE THE SLY ONE…

1. You will experience far less anxiety.
2. You will no longer blame yourself.
3. Your obsessive thinking will cease.
4. You will explore new avenues of pleasure and self-expression.
5. You will see and hear truth clearly, and you will be true to your own thoughts.
6. Your once-addictive habits will disappear.
7. You won’t feel like a nut who hasn’t yet fallen from the tree.
8. You will see through the multiple disguises of any Impressionator you should chance to meet.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D

Dennis O’Grady is a Dayton region communications psychologist who provides private therapy for couples and communications training for corporations. Dr. O’Grady’s pioneering interpersonal communications system will help you get along with anyone, even the difficult or annoying people in your life, to make you a better communicator. His communication system is the focus of his third book, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone,” which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Disarming Loaded Communication

How do you disarm loaded communication, that like a loaded gun in the hands of a novice, can unintentionally be triggered and go off and kill someone? So many communication mistakes that maim, are done unintentionally, but produce terrible consequences, nonetheless. But you knew that, I suppose. By knowing your talk type and the talk type of the receiver of your communications, you can effectively use your talk partner’s communication style to get the job done better and faster.

YOU CAN’T COMPLAIN IN TALK WORLD?

Should you complain about the President when you didn’t vote? Should you be allowed to complain when you have it so good? Can you relate to the “real life” situation below? Here’s what one Instigator manager told me recently:

As an I-type, I can put up a barrier and block out negatives. I find it easier to talk with somebody who isn’t constantly complaining. But my leading sales guy, Jack, is an emotionally driven E-type guy. He complains so much I stop listening. “Things are terrible…I’ve got all this work to do…Sales are down…There’s not a lot of work out there…The company needs to get it’s act together here….”

So I discarded the negativity with positive talking. I said, “Jack, how can business be so bad when you’re the #3 salesman in the company…you’re at 103% growth when 25% growth is considered great…AND your customers love you! Things can’t be all that bad when you’re doing so good in the company this year, Jack!” I didn’t inflate the facts, and Jack’s mood brightened as soon as he heard me state the facts.

I had a revelation of sorts…it just dawned on me. When you experience results like these after reading your book, a light bulb turns on. In the past, I would have said: “I can’t take it anymore, Jack, quit complaining. I’ve got to move on.” Coming back with positives instead of getting fed up with negatives worked far better for us both.

YOUR PERSONAL VIEW (E- VS. I-TYPE) OF HOW TO DELIVER QUALITY FEEDBACK?

How do you handle pessimistic complaining vs. delivering quality feedback? Walk away? Spend time you don’t have being sympathetic? Tell the person to quit complaining? Well, the answer depends on whether you’re an Empathizer or Instigator communicator. Here’s how to tell what your communicator type might be:

1. I stuff too much, but when I do complain, it’s because something which I feel unable to change needs to be corrected…by me. Yes or No?

If you said “Yes” this is the Empathizer-communicator view of being stuck in the middle of a bog of bad emotions.

2. I don’t complain much because who would listen, anyway? When I do complain, something needs to change in the situation or be corrected by the other person. Yes or No?

If you said “Yes” this is the Instigator-communicator view of disarming loaded communication.

So which type of communicator are you? And which type of communicator are you talking with?

WHY DO EMPATHIZERS COMPLAIN?

E-types can be their own worst critics and self-torturers. E-types who go to extremes are extremists who turn over every rock to look for slimy bugs, and walk into a deep pit and dig the hole even deeper. E-types have hearts and can get squirrelly when lost in the woods. What you need to know about E-types’ view of talking negatively (to self and to others), which forms the basis of their complaining style:

Why Empathizers complain–
E-types complain to…

Calm down

Lessen the pull of “future catastrophes” thinking

Feel grounded and better able to start solving problems

Find facts lost in the fog of their emotions

Air emotions in order to think clearly

Make excuses for why doing the new takes you out of your comfort zone

Seek comfort

Bump fear out of the driver’s seat

Avoid being seen as a ME-type

Stop feeling like the odd duck out when emotions are magnified and intensified

Demonstrate how they’re stewing and brooding and torturing themselves inside

The Talk News: E-types can put things under a microscope to study the problem in detail. And E-types have some of the great answers to fix things.

THE INSTIGATOR VIEW OF COMPLAINING

Why do Instigators complain? Well, from the I-types’ point of view, they don’t complain because they are bravely focused on passionately brainstorming current problems to solve so they can relegate them to the past. However, that’s not what sensitive E-types hear! But, hey, that’s why opposites attract and drive one another up a wall and back down again. “I’d give you a piece of my mind if I could afford to!” is the witty saying I use to bite my tongue when I need to. Better to say nothing, than to say something that will mess things up and be remembered for all eternity.

Why Instigators Complain….
I-types complain to…

Get fired up to take action

Address “this-is-now” problems that are shouting to be solved

Put the steel of their minds over mushy emotions

Stop stomping through the knee high mud of emotions

Turn the mud of emotions into a hardened concrete driveway

Take off from Limbo Airport and move along

Throw ideas up against the wall and throw down negative thinking

Prohibit themselves from making excuses about why change is too scary

Make others uncomfortable enough to change

Take control and be in charge by hopping in the driver’s seat and telling everyone to relax

Emphasize that they put unquestionable trust in themselves: “I trust myself when the heat is on. If it’s to be, it’s up to ME!”

Be reassured that they are central to a solution, by riding in the front of the team canoe

Demonstrate that whining isn’t winning

The Talk News: The wet cement or mud of emotions interferes with effectively brainstorming which problem-solving options are “reality best.” Just ask any I-type you know. I-types aren’t emotional dunces who are cold. They’ll deal with any emotions after the crisis has passed! In fact, hot emotions will be avoided over cool headed thinking by I-types. Talks around the Communicator Table aren’t effective when I-types’ reasoning is minimizing what it takes to fix what is wrong in reality.

Both styles naturally prefer their own way of doing things and what the complaining driving rules are. But these styles can inadvertently turn each other off without knowing it. The wall or fence, which is erected between these two relationship-leadership types of talkers, benefits no one.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS O’GRADY

Dennis E. O’Grady, Psy.D., provides workshops and coaching on Effective Leadership Communication using the results-driven Talk to Me© innovative communication system. Dennis is also a relationship communications psychologist and corporate trainer from Dayton, Ohio. Dennis’s 2005 Dayton Leadership Study tested a sample group of 32 “proven, effective, and ethical leaders” who are responsible for running companies which account for over half of the jobs in the Dayton region. Dr. O’Grady’s findings are in his latest book, Talk To Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, which aims to better communication across all levels. Consult with Dr. O’Grady by calling (937) 428-0724.

Can You See Yourself Through Empathizer Eyes?

PATIENCE CAN BE A VIRTUE OR A VULTURE

Do you stubbornly and painstakingly stick to your narrow viewpoint of what is right or wrong because, “It’s my way or NO way!” or can you accurately see yourself through Empathizer eyes, filled with emotion and insight? Two viewpoints openly and respectfully shared make for better communication. Moreover, if you’re a tough-charging Instigator communicator, how can you see yourself through tenderhearted Empathizer eyes? By using the typecasting function in the Talk to Me© system, you WILL have your eyes and your mind opened wide, so you can find new avenues to help you get along better with those you respect and love.

MY EYES HAVE BEEN OPENED

One letter I received, from a blunt speaking Instigator mother (I-type) who hadn’t gotten along very well with her adult Empathizer daughter (E-type) for several years, said it so clearly:

My eyes have been opened, Dennis. I feel so much love for my adult daughter now. It’s like ESP…I understand her for a change. We can even talk normally about church issues, money, and political matters, too. It happened slowly but steadily. My adult daughter doesn’t cave in to me any longer, either. I’ve never been happier in my life than I am now. Thanks for sharing your communication system with me…us!

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION

Do you know whether your mother or father, sister or brother, are E- or I-types? How to tell:

Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are more prone to being non-directive…not pushy…smoothing over conflicts…seeing the solutions to vexing problems but keeping quiet as a mouse…prone to bravely letting feelings be trampled on, taking on uncomfortable changes, be they large or small.

Conversely, Instigator-type (I-type) communicators are more prone to being directive…pushing too hard to make a point…feeling enlivened by conflicts…able to be like a duck and fly through foul weather…decisively implement solutions to tough problems…prone to allowing cold logic and reasoning to overcome uncomfortable new emotions….lead the way down new change avenues.

Neither communicator style is better or worse, just different. You can learn to use the strengths of both types to the benefit of everyone.

PATIENCE CAN BE A VIRTUE OR A VULTURE

What are key E- and I-type differences when approaching problem solving? E-types feel nagged by a problem and brew about it. In opposite fashion, I-types can push a problem away and not stew about it. To every season, though, there is a reason to adopt the strengths of your opposite communicator style. That’s why I say patience can be a virtue (I-types) or a vulture (E-types).

ARE YOU A SENSITIVE EMPATHIZER COMMUNICATOR…OR AN INSENSITIVE INSTIGATOR TALKER?

If you are a sensitive communication partner, or Empathizer talker, you will stuff your feelings and back away from conflicts with Instigator talkers. Thus, Empathizers will answer yes to most of these questions:

• My partner doesn’t try to understand my viewpoint, by looking at things through my eyes….
• I can easily be over-talked or out-argued by my partner….
• I feel anxious and depressed because of our relationship….
• My partner is a selective listener….
• I feel like I’m constantly doing things to pacify my partner….
• My partner will pout or shoot daggers at me when told “No”….
• I have to suck it up and stuff things under the rug….
• Unresolved conflicts with my partner drain my energy….
• My partner sees things in narrowly-focused ways and rarely changes his or her mind….

Typically, Instigator communicators feel more comfortable convincing you that their selective viewpoints are correct. Ergo the muse: “It’s my way or no way!” with unnecessary conflict, consternation, and disagreement going on between the two differing types. But must men be from Mars and women from Venus?

WHAT YOU DON’T SEE IS WHAT YOU GET

If you can’t see the viewpoint of your co-communicator, then you are missing out on half the story of, “The Gratifying Life of Good Communication.” Why do Empathizer communicators back off from Instigator communicators so often, leaving them uneducated? Empathizer communicators should pipe up, because they have a crystal ball when it comes to fixing vexing relationship problems! However, these same E-types sustain relationship solidarity by sacrificing their own individual communication rights and responsibilities. Thus, what you don’t see (and don’t hear) is what you get in the way of good, or bad, results. Do you know what your talk partner isn’t telling you? Let’s hope so.

THE EMPATHIZER EXPERIENCE OF FLYING WITH BLIND INSTIGATORS

During confrontational times, Empathizers experience their Instigator talk partners as having sharp tongues, coercive conversational styles, intimidating personalities, and prone to throwing emotional daggers. Welcome to the Communicator Club, y’all. E-types’ complaints or criticisms of themselves:

1. E-TYPES ARE CONSTANTLY DOING THINGS TO PACIFY I-TYPES

The E-type feels as though the I-type talk partner must be constantly pacified if a conflict is to be avoided. Attitude: “Life’s too short for pouting and complaining…it can’t be that important.”

2. E-TYPES BEND THEMSELVES INTO HUMAN PRETZELS TO AVOID HAVING A CONFLICT WITH I-TYPES

Instead of standing strong and tall like an oak tree, the E-type bends like a willow. Passive pleasing or justifying can last for just so long before the top blows off the boiling pan. Avoiding conflict actually perpetuates conflicts and keeps problems from being resolved.

3. E-TYPES FEEL DEPRESSED FROM BITING THEIR TONGUES, WHEN THEY’D RATHER TALK BACK ASSERTIVELY TO THEIR I-TYPE CO-COMMUNICATORS

E-types bite holes in their tongues too often and incorrectly believe, “I have to suck it up and not say anything, which makes me feel really depressed about the way things are going in the relationship.”

4. E-TYPES FEEL SAD AND I-TYPES FEEL MAD IN A DISTRESSED RELATIONSHIP

Anxiety and energy drain is caused by distressed relationships. The E-type is prone to blaming the Self for relationship problems, while the I-type is prone to blaming the situation for the difficulty. Slow down when you’re driving in foggy emotional conditions on Talk Highway, so you can fully and accurately assess where the fog is originating and use new talk lanes to avoid crashing into the communicator car ahead.

5. E-TYPES’ ENERGY DIMS DURING NEVER-ENDING CONFLICT WITH I-TYPES

“The conflict is never going to stop,” one E-type told me. “My energy is dimming, and my spark is going out. Stuff repeatedly keeps being brought up and brought back into our home. Nothing’s solved, nothing changes.” E-types thrive in harmony and die in never-ending disputes.

6. E-TYPES CAN DRIVE AHEAD OF THEIR HEADLIGHTS WHEN I-TYPES ARE CONFRONTATIVE

E-types have a tough time hearing negative feedback, and they take it personally. I-types take criticisms on the chin with a grin. Both E- and I-types consider delivering quality feedback essential to skill improvement and task achievement. Change is possible and desirable with both types using the 50% co-responsibility rule for positive and effective communication.

7. E-TYPES ARE PREJUDICED THAT IT’S ALL ABOUT THE I-TYPE WORLD

“It’s all about her (or him)….” most Empathizers will tell you about Instigators during a talk crash. “Why can’t we just send them all to Empathizer island?” is an I-type sentiment during sensitive times. “It’s hard to keep in my head that it’s the problem or relationship strain that depresses me and makes me anxious,” savvy E- and I-types will tell you.

8. E-TYPES FEEL I-TYPES PROMISE THE MOON BUT DELIVER DIRT…WHILE I-TYPES BELIEVE E-TYPES DON’T DREAM BIG ENOUGH

Both E-types and I-types have a challenge when it comes to closeness. Trusting, liking a partner when angry, listening with an open mind, engaging in healthy conflict, are all communication essentials. Why not travel in awareness of your talk partners’ preferred driving style to help us all out?

MOST COMMUNICATION MISTAKES ARE DUE TO IGNORANCE

So many communication mistakes are made due to ignorance…ignorance of how to talk with your opposing talk type. Both E- and I-types in conflict can feel like they’re losing their minds, as in, “It makes me feel crazy….He — or she — makes no effort to change what’s broken….I’m just not understood.”

HAVE YOU HUGGED YOUR EMPATHIZER TODAY? HAVE YOU BACKSLAPPED YOUR INSTIGATOR TODAY?

Have you hugged your Empathizer today? And have you backslapped your Instigator today? I-types, can you see yourself through the objective eyes of Empathizer communicators? E-types, can you see yourself through the subjective eyes of Instigator communicators?

YOU’RE IMPROVING YOUR COMMUNICATION A LITTLE EVERY DAY

Sure, you are improving your communication a little every day. You aren’t interested in deflecting necessary conflict or using badgering communication to conversationally coerce a co-communicator from talking straight to you. Life’s not a little chess game with winners and losers, is it? Nah. You refuse to swim in an Olympic size pool of pity and ignorance.

ABOUT RELATIONSHIP COMMUNICATIONS COACH, CORPORATE TRAINER, AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association, as well as the developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends! When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.

Driving Down Confusing One-Way Talk Avenues?

THE SQUEAKY WHEEL ALWAYS GETS THE GREASE?

Are you befuddled, traveling on a one-way talk avenue? Do you know when you’re in a relationship filled to the brim with confusing communication? Of course you do…you feel like you’re going nuts! And you probably have that gut-dropping feeling or head-spinning headache due to confusing talk…or maybe both at once? Whoa. Know this: Negatalkers, of any rank or color, set up orange barrels to direct you down dead-end talk avenues, just to rankle you. Energy impact: Empathizers will feel down and blue, while Instigators will feel impatient and frustrated. Let me be clear here: Most times no one’s to blame, since not understanding the talk preferences of your opposite communicator type is the origin of the miscommunication. Thus, mistakes are easy to make!

DIFFERENT STROKES FOR DIFFERENT FOLKS

“Different strokes for different folks” orients you to become a more effective communicator using the Talk to Me© system. Does one size shoe fit all? Of course not. That’s also true of our communication styles. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators, and Instigator-type (I-type) communicators, walk in two very different styles and colors of shoes. When you don’t know communication preferences and communicator differences, you can slam into a brick wall, and you will see spinning stars circling all around your head. Each communicator style has its advantages and its disadvantages:

1. THE EMPATHIZER TALK STYLE: Results and comprehending empathy-filled solutions are strengths of Empathizers.

2. THE INSTIGATOR TALK STYLE: Energy and managing problem-solving steps are strengths of Instigators.

3. COMBINING E- AND I- STYLES: As a cooperative team, E-type and I-type drivers can move mountains to better locations while still improving the environment.

Your energy is boosted and your communication moves improve when you experience the benefits of both types’ strengths while avoiding their Achilles’ heels.

THE LIGHT BULB CAME ON!

The main benefit of the Talk To Me© system’s “light bulb came on” effect was recently touted by an I-type manager this way: “I can put up a barrier to block out negatives. I find it easier to talk to someone who isn’t constantly complaining. I had a revelation of sorts…it just dawned on me. After you implement the strategies in Talk To Me©…a light bulb comes on. In the past, I would have said: ‘I can’t take it anymore, just quit complaining. I’ve got to move on.’ Now I take time to listen and come back with positives. It works better for everyone.”

HOW E-TYPES FEEL AND HOW I-TYPES THINK ABOUT NOT LISTENING TO ONE ANOTHER

Empathizers prefer open, two-way talks which include everyone. Thus, E-types can be perceived as being wishy-washy. On the other hand, Instigators prefer narrow, one-way talks to get the job done. Thus, I-types can be perceived as being too pushy. Neither style is better or worse, although each style works better in certain situations. Each type can blame the personality of the difficult person when, in fact, the confusion at this four-way stop is due to communicator style.

THE SQUEAKY WHEEL GETS THE GREASE?

E-types complain that I-types don’t listen well. I-types complain that E-types don’t drive past their moods fast enough. Can you better understand the opposing view of your talk type? Of course you can…it’s a piece of cake. Contrived examples at home and work of confusing one-way talking that tick off Empathizer-type and Instigator-type communicators alike:

E-Type: You don’t listen to a word I say.
I-Type: I’m truly sorry for any pain I’ve caused you.

E-Type: You haven’t shown me any changes.
I-Type: Why isn’t this change thing a fifty-fifty deal?

E-Type: Since we can’t express opinions without it becoming an argument, I back off.
I-Type: I’m not arguing, but I am expressing what I believe in.

E-Type: You’re too worried about what others think.
I-Type: If you’re done complaining, tell me right now how to make things better. Are you done?

E-Type: Your actions speak louder than words.
I-Type: I don’t mean anything personal by what I said.

E-Type: You don’t help us out around here.
I-Type: It’s not that I’m too lazy to do what you want me to do, but why should I have to follow your rules?

E-Type: You’re hurtful.
I-Type: Sometimes, I do say things out of anger which I don’t mean.

E-Type: I take things very personally.
I-Type: We don’t accomplish anything by talking.

E-Type: You make me look like the bad guy and that it’s all my fault.
I-Type: We’re not accomplishing a damn thing here by being negative.

E-Type: Every time I speak up or confront you, all I get are a bunch of excuses.
I-Type: Sometimes you hurt the people closest to you. We can get past this.

E-Type: It’s all about you. You don’t care.
I-Type: You act like it’s all about me. But if I feel you’re not getting the job done, I’m going to tell you how I feel about it.

E-Type: If it’s not your way, it’s the highway!
I-Type: There you go again, driving your point home by going to extremes and exaggerating everything.

BEATING A DEAD HORSE

Do you sometimes feel like you’re beating a dead horse as you try to clear up confusing communications? That’s why Empathizers fall silent and stop giving you their best ideas! Do you realize that confusing communications stem from differing talk viewpoints…that don’t have to collide or crash and burn? Ironically, confusing communication makes you feel small, and makes the person you’re talking with seem big.

MAKING YOUR TALK PARTNER LOOK LIKE THE BAD GUY OR GAL

“Who’s to blame for this failure to communicate?!” said a communications coaching client. For sure, miscommunication creates more talk torture and troubling times. Are you a confusing communicator? You are if you’ve heard yourself say, “I’m not trying to turn it back on you, or make you look like the bad guy. Not once have I said that I’m not at fault. You’re saying that I’m not listening to what you say, BUT I’m just not agreeing with you. I have my own opinions and my own views, and because it’s not the way you believe, you say that it should be, and that we’re beating a dead horse. There you go again, just being SO negative!” Finding fault doesn’t fix problems, but that rarely stops us from assigning it.

WHAT IF WHATEVER YOU SAY FALLS ON DEAF EARS?

Gobbledygook isn’t good communication, no matter what your talk type, my fellow talk travelers. When you feel like you’re beating a dead horse…perhaps you are!

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Psychological Association, a relationship communications expert, corporate trainer, inspirational keynote speaker, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and their families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.

Badgering Communication

EMPATHIZERS LIGHT THE WAY WHILE INSTIGATORS LEAD THE WAY…YOU ARE A WARRIOR NOT A WORRIER

Badgering communication is a sure way to push your relationship over the ledge. Venting, yelling, snipping, snapping, being relentlessly verbally aggressive, criticizing, grandstanding, parading around as the hurt victim, name calling, lecturing, pontificating, being snarky on the phone, retaliating, dripping guilt trips all over the floor…using intimidating talk tactics, or “It’s my way or the highway!” conversational coercion, all are examples of badgering communication. Are you taking out your feelings on another person rather than dealing with your own disappointing expectations that reality is never as good as a perfect fantasy? Never forget: Perfectionism kills.

EMPATHIZERS LIGHT THE WAY WHILE INSTIGATORS LEAD THE WAY…SO WHY FIGHT?

Empathizers (E-types) need to feel liked and approved of. Instigators (I-types) need to feel respected. Empathizers LIGHT THE WAY, while Instigators LEAD THE WAY. Downside: E-types tire fast and feel drained from fighting, conflict, the pot constantly being stirred up. I-types lose their way from intimidating others through anger, losing the confidence of trustworthy friends, brokering for power as their relationships disintegrate.

YOU ARE A WARRIOR, NOT A WORRIER

Instigators’ badgering responses cause Empathizers’ energy to droop. You should be reminded that those who use badgering communications take away the opportunity for trust to grow and for two-way talks to unfold. Has your I-type talk partner ever come out with:

You should show a little more respect.

You don’t know what you’re talking about….

The way I see it is your comments don’t hold much weight with me….

That’s all in your mind….

That’s your opinion, but there are two sides to every story, and what I was saying is….

You don’t know what you’re talking about…you’re an idiot!

Maybe you’d be happier not working here…or being without me.

You need to work on this….

I’m just saying this because I care, and it’s for your own good….

I’m not sitting here ignoring everything like you are….

Like I said before….

You don’t understand. Let me say it this way instead….

You don’t get what I’m saying. Maybe this will make it clearer for you….

I’m getting really mad….

I feel like you don’t trust me….

I don’t do it all the time. Why isn’t what I do ever good enough for you?

I feel like that’s an accusation, and it hasn’t been that bad around here. Stop going to extremes!

ARE YOU TOO AFRAID TO TALK?

Why can’t people take peace and harmony? Badgering communication puts a plexiglass wall between you and your talk partner, kind of like being thrown into the back of a cop car. The common reaction is, “Why should I speak up if what I want to say is driven into the ground, causing friction, more confrontation, and conflict? This is a spinning top that’s distracting and destructive.

MY DEAR E-TYPES: ARE YOU SPEAKING YOUR MIND, OR IS IT THE I-TYPE WAY OR THE INTIMIDATION HIGHWAY?

Who’s in charge of your relationship? One caring person a relationship doesn’t make. Yelling is enervating. Intimidating a fellow co-worker or partner is costly. Confronting others instead of being a calming influence is draining. If you have to keep pushing and pushing and pushing, then you aren’t involved in bettering your communication skills. In short, if you’re afraid to ask questions or state your true opinion, then you’ve come under the dreaded influence of badgering communication.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association and developer of the TALK TO ME© positive and effective communication system. Why invest in a process that will improve your communication skills fast, in both personal and work relationships? Why waste time alienating people and prolonging the effort to reach a common goal, when you can use good communication strategies which pay extraordinary dividends. When you use the tools and strategies detailed in Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, you’ll find that it’s easy to keep your car in the center of Talk Highway, leaving the ditch to those communicators who play the lame Blame Game.