Emotions Rule?

EMOTIONS AREN’T THE ENEMY

Emotions rule? Emotions rule. That is to say, the outcome of many communication events is determined by how unruly emotions are allowed to rule. Did you know? Emotions are multiplied by a factor of five with E-types or Empathizer-type communicators. Ever heard yourself say to a sensitive soul, “Why can’t you just get over it and get past the past?!” Sound familiar? It’s an emotional hurdle E-types have difficulty jumping over in the Talk World of the Empathizer-type communicator. That’s why I say, “E’s put the motion in emotion, which can cause all sorts of commotion.”

EMOTIONS ARE MULTIPLIED BY FIVE WITH E-TYPES

“No sweat or strain, just keep focused on the brass ring!” would describe how Instigator (I-type) communicators handle their emotions. I-types mistrust emotions, because feelings can overrule logic, resulting in chaos, or so the I-type thinks. Instigators habitually downsize emotions. What Instigators feel about Empathizers’ emotions at work:

Personally, I don’t look back much except to feel fortunate. It does no good whatsoever to dwell on the past because you have no control over it. But you can’t sell that to emotional types. When Empathizers don’t feel well, no one around them is going to feel well. Emotions are multiplied by 5. Sorrow and joy are multiplied by 5. Amplifying the emotions and emotional flare-ups seem to be every day occurrences with E-types. I control a lot of my emotions.

Positive Instigators use a rational approach to emotional problem-solving. Negative Instigators get all emotional, too. Gunk (grief) in your communicator car engine buggers up the works.
I-TYPES HAVE LONG FUSES BUT RARELY IGNITE THEM

True, Instigators take rightful pride in controlling their emotions. I-types stay pretty even-tempered and calm and are levelheaded and even-keeled, unless you light their fuses. I-types have long fuses but rarely ignite them.

WHEN E-TYPES’ EMOTIONS ARE MULTIPLIED BY FIVE, YOU CAN EXPECT CONSEQUENCES:

1. Empathizers struggle to let go of resentments. When trust is broken, E-types have an elephant memory for mouse-sized hurts.

2. When E-types are flooded by emotions, they can’t change the radio station or turn down the volume in their heads.

3. E-types view I-types as coldly logical, cool, supreme commanders of rationality, in charge and in control when all the people around them are losing their heads.

4. Positive Instigators perceive negative E-types as being emotionally volatile, like walking through a minefield, ready to fly off the handle at any second.

5. When they are anxious, E-types repeat their basic message again and again, a bad habit which makes I-types duck out or stop talking altogether.

6. I-types don’t intentionally set E-types off, but it frequently happens. Then I-types think, “Do I have time to get into this right now? Not! I’m tired, and I have 12 other things on my mind, so it’s easier not to get into this now, because it’s a minefield of emotions….”

Are you talking and no one seems to be listening, my dear E-types? You don’t want to talk TO people — you want to talk WITH people. I recommend that emotional types adopt the good habits of their Instigator counterparts.

YOU DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE…YOU TALK WITH PEOPLE

You can work with your emotions instead of against them. Feelings are often unreal, and they depart as unexpectedly as they appeared. I-types trust and love logic. The Talk to Me© system holds the keys to ignite good communication and to remove the talk barriers of both E- and I-types.

How do I-types turn down the volume of their emotions?

I-types using PosiTalking tools…

…use a positive attitude: “I CAN control feelings and turn down the volume of runaway emotions.”

…believe: “Why dwell on the negative? It won’t do any good, so let’s move on!”

…don’t have time to ruminate about issues: “As far as I’m concerned, this is over.”

…set firm boundaries: “I’ve drawn the line, and you can’t cross it any more.”

…use deflection: “I’m not going to dwell on past memories or future worries which are not taking place right now.”

…string together rationality: “Is there anything you can do about this? Why worry about it, if you can’t control or change it? Forget about it because there’s nothing you can do about it.”

TO STAY WELL, DON’T DWELL

I respect rationality. The I-type comfort zone is in controlling emotions. To summarize, Instigators control their emotions to gain an edge, in order to accomplish more. “I stay well, because I don’t dwell!” is the I-type battle call. In contrast, emotional lows can restrict E-type output by as much as 50%.

DEFLATING FEELINGS HELPS YOU THINK MORE CLEARLY

Getting a handle on your feelings in advance, helps you to think more clearly, my esteemed E-types. “It helps you sleep at night,” said one of my I-type executives during a communications coaching session. Of course, on the flip side, I-types are often viewed as being cold, calculating, and aloof. Perhaps that’s the cost to E-types, of being so emotionally upset that you can’t be as effective and fact-driven as your counterpart….

ABOUT “TALK DOC” DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the Talk Doc in town, a corporate consultant, team trainer, and the insightful original developer and researcher of the Talk to Me© positive and effective communication system. T2Me has been successfully implemented in a “top down” fashion in companies which know that communication is the best investment in the development of people skills, to guarantee positive results. Dennis is the president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University of Professional Psychology. His “Talk Textbook” received The 2008 Axiom Business Book Award silver medal. Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone, is available at Amazon. Not much time to read? Quick reads on Dennis’s communication approach are available at no charge at www.drogrady.com.

Take A 60 Second Mental Vacation

HOW TO DESTRESS YOURSELF ON THE FLY

If you’re like me, you live your life on the fly. Time is compressed as you climb to the next vista on Success Mountain, tackle the schedules of too-busy kids, and try talk to your partner for a New York minute before you fall asleep, exhausted. So, how do you address the impossible task of staying as relaxed as possible as you make smooth communication moves during your day? Can you ever learn to balance those spinning plates on a stick as you surf the stress wave in front of you? Yes, you can. All you have to do is take time to energize (energy in) and talk to yourself in effective, textual tones.

SURFING STRESS WAVES

Surf’s up! And you can ride that wave of stress without being slapped down or drowning. Yes you can! Let me personally share with you how I stay pretty calm during my day, using strategies and tools from the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system.

1. START YOUR DAY BY RELAXING. I start my day with one minute of non-performing time. (If I don’t take relaxation stops along the way, I’m a basket case by the end of my day.)

What You Can Do To De-Stress: Give yourself the gift of one minute of non-pressured time before you run off on a grueling marathon. If you don’t do this, little else will work.

Walk That Talk: Get up at the same time each day. Get up when your alarm goes off. No punching the snooze button. Take a couple of minutes in the morning to just sit in a chair and think about what you’re looking forward to accomplishing today.

2. WAKE UP FEARLESS. I try to wake up fearless by centering myself quickly in positive feelings and thoughts.

What You Can Do To De-Stress: Don’t criticize how you look or feel or get obsessive about every body ache and pain. Feel truly glad to be alive — you have another chance to experience and celebrate your life!

Walk That Talk: Feel your feet on the ground. Smell the morning coffee and be thankful that you could afford it. Thank the roof on your house or dwelling for providing you protection during the night. Feel the soothing water of your shower washing away the dirt and grime of difficult times. Pet the dog or cat. Relax. Giving yourself a little time to enjoy your life isn’t going to kill you…and it may do a lot to extend your life!

3. GO EASY. I show a little compassion toward myself when I’m a little put off, scared, or anxious.

What You Can Do To De-Stress: By now, if you’re like me you’ve had about 200 terrible thoughts that the world, as you know it, is ending. The bills are piled up high, waiting to tumble over onto your head; work is going to be a bear; you’re going to have an emotional meltdown; and the traffic congestion is going to kill you. And that’s how I start the day on a relatively neutral day! Funny: Although there’s nothing to worry about, that doesn’t stop me from finding something. To counteract all the negativity in your mind, acknowledge that not everything will go smoothly during the day for you, but that most events will turn out much less tragic than you anticipate. Tell yourself that it’s OK to be cautious or a bit anxious about the unknowns…then deal with them effectively, as you always do!

Walk That Talk: Talk sensitively to yourself. Examples: “Go easy here, Dennis. Your negative mind is going to have a field day with you if you allow it to. It’s no big deal. Your radar won’t pick up or broadcast fear. What are you feeling? Scared, anxious, unsettled, restless, lonely, mad or what? Hey, feelings are just feelings, and they aren’t in the driver’s seat of your life. You’re driving your own communicator car, and you get to choose how you talk to yourself all day long, beginning right now!”

4. DWELL MORE OR LESS. All right, as negative feelings or doubts rush into my mind, I make myself dwell more on what’s working and less on what’s not working. Although it isn’t always easy, it’s simply a matter of shifting the focus of my mind.

What You Can Do To De-Stress: No one can drive you up a wall without your consent! Work with the strengths of your communicator style, and use your communication type to your advantage. True, Empathizer communicators dwell more on what they don’t want, while Instigator communicators dwell more on what they do want, but both types are in control to use their strengths to turn the negatives into positives.

Walk That Talk: Talk insensitively to yourself when you’re stalled out. Example: “That’s enough of dwelling on thoughts that you’re not where the grass is always greenest. The grass is greenest on the side of the fence where you take care of it. Get a grip. This is just the drip…drip…drip of the negative thoughts torture technique. None of these thoughts are real anyway — they’re just your mind expressing itself in some pretty creative ways. Change the station in your mind, NOW, that keeps playing the worry record over and over!” A good stiff self-motivational lecture, to confront unproductive worrying, works wonders.

5. DON’T BLAME PEOPLE OR KNOCK YOURSELF OUT FIXING PROBLEMS. I spin my tires in deep ruts of distrust when I fear loss, and I focus my attention on who’s picking on me or pulling apart the threads in the fabric of my life. But hey, that doesn’t pull me down!

What You Can Do To De-Stress: Tell yourself the truth: since all blame games are lame, the harder you try to control other people, the ‘behinder’ you’ll get in your good relationships.

Walk That Talk: Talk some common sense to yourself so you’ll stay in your lane when you’re stressed out or tired. Example: “Dennis, this isn’t the time to try and solve problems. The purpose of taking a 60 second mental vacation is to relax. You don’t have to do anything. You don’t have to accomplish anything. John Bradshaw was right: You are a human being, not a human doing machine. Your goal, should you care to pursue it, is to give yourself a little space to breathe…and just BE! Do you think you can handle just letting go of your worldly woes to relax for a minute? Sure you can! Talking to yourself in positive ways works, even when it doesn’t seem so at the time. You know that!”

TAKE A MINUTE TO LIVE YOUR LIFE…TAKE A MINUTE TO ENJOY YOUR LIFE…TAKE A MINUTE TO FEEL ALIVE

I recommend taking a 60 second mental break, seven times each day, as you travel down the two-way communication highway. How can you find the time? Take a minute during a meeting to refresh; take a minute to take a deep breath while you’re driving (I know you can do it!); take a minute during a phone call to just listen, kick back, and enjoy. Take a minute to live your life, and enjoy relaxing as you drive along your crowded life highway, in a time crunch.

WALK THAT TALK

I work pretty constant long and intense days, so if I have a minute to spare myself some stress, then I’ll bet you could spare a couple minutes to do the same. Since these tips work for stubborn old me…surely they will work for smart, young you! Just talk a little sense to yourself. The tips I have spelled out for you are easy to use, even for the skeptical soul, but you must use them today to realize immediate results. We’ve got to walk that talk instead of just talk!

ABOUT DAYTON REGION COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is an effective communication keynote speaker and workshop leader, who delivers corporate training which actually improves communication fast, from top to bottom. Dennis is the original developer of the powerful Talk to Me© effective communication system. So you want to be a better communicator? A little deposit of talking sensibly to yourself today will bring huge dividends into your tomorrow. You, too, can experience the benefits of Dr. O’Grady’s communication system personally by knowing your communicator type and sitting in the driver’s seat of your own emotion- and belief-driven life instead of being a passenger. Know thy talk type! Don’t create unnecessary drama in your life because you “can’t” simply relax. Stop stirring the pot of perpetual personal unrest with doom-and-gloom thinking. Connect with deep peace by studying the principles in Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone which is available at www.drogrady.com and Amazon.

Two Different Talk Angles Eventually Meet

WHY NOT TO TAKE THINGS SO PERSONALLY

Why must you take things so personally when there’s a communication glitch? Suppose there is no right or wrong solution, and you don’t have to sit back and say, “It’s all your fault!” or “It must be my fault.” Assigning fault affixes blame but ultimately fixes nothing. What works to solve tenacious problems at work or in your prized relationships, to help you understand both perspectives without fussing or fighting? Think about it: Two different angles eventually meet, if you don’t get into a ruckus and go careening off in different directions. Now whose fault is it?

THE 50% CO-RESPONSIBILITY RULE: SOLVING PROBLEMS INSTEAD OF CAUSING PROBLEMS

Digest the tenets of the Talk to Me© positive communication approach to solving problems when emotions are churning and mental wheels are spinning in a rut….

• It’s not a problem created by one person.
• It’s all about perspective.
• I need to help you understand my perspective.
• You need to help me understand your perspective.
• I need to comprehend the logic of your opinion.
• You need to appreciate my position on the situation.
• We look at things from different perspectives.
• Neither position is right or wrong.
• Empathizer and Instigator communicators look at things from opposite directions.
• Neither of us, as a person, is right or wrong…we simply are two people with a problem to correct.
• It’s not your problem or my problem.
• The blame game is lame and won’t give either of us a leg to stand on.
• Let’s remind each other that we’re both people with important opinions.
• We’re both stubborn.
• We’re going to disagree.
• It is what it is until it isn’t any longer.
• It doesn’t mean I respect or love you less.
• We come at it from two different angles which will eventually meet.
• Let’s each take half the fault and move on.
• We are each 50% co-responsible for the origin of the problem and for finding a solution.

Why dwell on what we’re doing — and which isn’t working — or how things used to be? A power struggle that rehashes the same old issues strains Empathizers and Instigators alike, making everyone feel hopeless and powerless.

THERE’S NO PRACTICAL VALUE IN ASSIGNING BLAME?

There’s no practical value in assigning blame. Nothing changes for the better; things stay the same or slowly get worse. (Think of the proverbial frog in the pot of water when the burner is turned on low.) Do you know what drives your opposite communicator type buggy?

I. Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators are prone to assigning blame to the self for a relationship problem. E-types believe change begins with the self instead of residing in the relationship situation.

II. Instigator-type (I-type) communicators don’t characteristically assign blame or harbor grudges. I-types feel change begins with identifying a problem in the situation and finding the solution. I-types feel that focusing on relationship communication is a distraction.

As an E- or I-type communicator, are you taking 50% co-responsibility to help your opposite communicator understand your point of view? If not, why not?

LET ME HELP YOU UNDERSTAND MY PERSPECTIVE

Here’s how I back off to talk with myself during a dispute or confrontation:

O.K. Don’t push the panic button, Dennis. ‘Let me help you understand my perspective’ will be my responsibility. And give me a helping hand to understand your perspective. Problem solving occurs when you listen open-mindedly to the perspective of your fellow communicator. Recall the perspective of Riley, (my middle daughter) when many days’ travel later, she gazed upon the Grand Canyon. Perspective is everything. “Dad,” Riley said, “This would be great if the Grand Canyon were filled with water and we could go scuba diving together!” Whoa. What a different perspective that was! What part of the perspective is missing here?

LET’S STEP BACK WHEN IN A DISPUTE

A relationship communications client used this Million Dollar Talk Tool very successfully. As a business leader, he was crunched for time, but he made time to talk with his spouse. “Two different talk angles eventually meet!” he quipped.

We view things from different perspectives — her perspective and my perspective — and we need to understand the other’s perspective. There’s no right or wrong…it’s just different perspectives. Our conclusion was very good; we both walked away feeling great, and it’s been great ever since. Then you can work around it, a reminder while you’re in the middle of an argument — let’s step back; let me help you understand my perspective. Help me understand your perspective.

ARE YOU USED TO ACCEPTING THE BLAME FOR OTHERS’ PROBLEMS?

You’re a champion communicator! E-types are more emotional, and I-types are more logical. E-types like praise more than I-types do. Both Empathizers and Instigators want to solve problems, not cause problems. Two different views, discussed and understood, enrich us all.

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS COACH DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the Talk Doc, providing leadership communication coaching and corporate training, using the results-driven Talk To Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, recently won the Axiom Business Book Awards Silver medal. You can contact Dennis O’Grady at (937) 428-0724.

Are Your Communication Skills Weak?

YOU’RE NOT AN IDIOT

How can you know if your communication skills are weak or strong? No, it’s dumb, and deadly, to defend your weaknesses or deny your strengths. Also, you’ve learned first-hand from the school of hard knocks that you can make a mess or a miracle of communication. If you answer “yes” to most of the questions below, take your communicator car in for a tune-up to a communications coach near you:

1. I try to do everything on my own.

2. I don’t like to ask for help.

3. If something goes wrong, I try to fix it myself.

4. If people are not speaking to me, I won’t speak to them.

5. If people are in a bad mood, I’m not going to go out of my way to talk to them.

6. I guess I don’t express my opinions on things as much as I should because I don’t want to create conflict.

7. I go along with what is said or done to stay away from hurting your feelings.

8. I don’t communicate with my co-workers to get things done because some of them are very sensitive, and I don’t want to act pushy.

9. Some sensitive workers wrongly think I’m trying to boss them around, which isn’t true.

10. If something needs done, I’m more likely to do it myself, rather than confront someone who was supposed to do it but didn’t.

Is it very hard communication-wise where you work or live? Weak communication is costly. No communication or mixed messages from your manager or supervisor can reduce your performance by as much as 50%….

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS COACH DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc,” providing leadership communication coaching and corporate training, using the results-driven Talk To Me© positive and effective communication system. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association. His “talk textbook,” Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, recently won the Axiom Business Book Awards Silver medal. You can contact Dennis O’Grady at (937) 428-0724.

Don’t Upset The Apple Cart?

ARE YOU A POT STIRRER?

Don’t upset the apple cart. It’s a saying that implies, “Why stir the pot and change what’s working well?” But how do you prevent bad apples from spoiling the bushels you’ve nurtured and harvested? “Bad apples” or “Negatalkers” are toxic communicators who poison the very air you breathe. Although no one likes conflict, confrontation is necessary on occasion. In general, many of us grit our teeth, cringe, or downright fear talking to a whiny-baby complainer who is able to find fault with angels. Nothing, after all, is quite perfect enough for the grumpy one. In short, Negatalkers, people who chronically complain and spread their poison all around the workplace and homespace, do none of us any favors.

NEGATALKERS: PEOPLE AT WORK WHO DRAIN YOU

Here are the private thoughts of one Instigator leader manager who reached the end of her rope with a disgruntled employee who runs in the Misery Loves Company, and I Make Good Company! crowd:

One of the people who reports to me is a very toxic communicator and a very disgruntled employee. I’ve had it with him. This Negatalker thinks the world is picking on him and owes him. You can’t sit down and just talk with Joe because he will run off at the mouth, go on a complain jag, and gripe the whole time. He’s a negative Instigator communicator who is subversive…he knows the negative seeds to plant in the minds of team members. Even when company changes have resulted in bonuses from a generous organization, Joe still fumes about how it’s not fair, and he’s the “poor me” victim. How can you be a victim when you make a six-figure income? I was taught that “people who dig dirt, lose ground.” Joe digs dirt on everyone and gossips, and worse yet, throws mud on the good works of others. I’m done walking on eggshells and working around him to avoid a confrontation!

Negative emotions get all stirred up during confusing communication that is crude and rude. Thus, expert communicators must tap on the brakes of their communicator car to slow down speeding emotions, in order to make a good talk plan. Will the Negatalker listen? Fat chance. But why risk your team car skidding on black ice down the two-way communicator highway and into the ditch?

TAKE A BITE FROM THE MANURE SANDWICH?

Negatalkers try to pass off a manure sandwich as if it’s a bologna sandwich, which is pure baloney. Negatalkers, whether a negative Empathizer (E-type) communicator or a negative Instigator (I-type) communicator, need to be called on the carpet in no uncertain terms. In fact, you might have to verbally hit the Negatalker, with a two-by-four wood plank to the side of the head, to get his or her attention. (Empathy isn’t a good thing with stubborn people who have a thick skull.) Here’s the relationship profile of the Negatalker:

• A toxic communicator
• Stagnant communication skills but legend in own mind
• Mad at life…personally unaware
• Pontificate by telling you how you should think or feel about events
• Brings up past events or activities that happened 25,000 years or so ago
• Spinning wheels instead of solving problems
• Repeating mistakes and rationalizing result in not going forward
• Too risk-cautious
• Chronic complaining
• Doesn’t suggest options, such as, “But we should try…
• A fear-driven career victim
• Making my problems, everybody’s problems
• Hunkered down behind a high, stone, security wall, topped off with razor wire

Negative people create division and dissention in the ranks, and they unintentionally create a time-wasting, energy-draining organizational climate. Why? Negatalkers are flooded by disowned negative emotions that they desperately pass on to others around them.

ARE YOU A MORALE BUSTER OR A MOTIVATION BOOSTER?

Negatalkers bust team morale instead of boosting group motivation! That’s how one bad apple can spoil or damage the whole bunch. As a leader manager or supervisor, you can’t afford to sugar-coat assertive feedback when it comes to chronic complainers who undermine the joys of teamwork. Have you been using the Talk to Me© feedback system? Good for you!

THE CRAFTY OR SLY COMMUNICATOR

Bad apples ought to be fired but rarely are. Good people learn to avoid being and working around negative communicators, which works in the short run but costs energy over the long haul. “Clever as a fox in a chicken coop!” describes the crafty communicator. As one business owner put it: “The more open and communicative you are with your people…the better off you are in the long run.” And that includes being direct with dingbats.

BEAT AROUND THE BUSH WITH AN INSTIGATOR OR I-TYPE COMMUNICATOR?

I-types don’t much cotton to beating around the bush. Instigators want it straight up, pure, hard, and fast in “listen up” language. This is because I-types are constantly evaluating their accomplishments. In our case study above, the whiny-baby was a negative I-type talker. What makes emotional communication tricky, complex, and complicated with anyone?
Emotional communication is:

• Fraught with anxiety
• Fog of emotions
• Distracting
• Frustrating
• Feels like a waste of time and energy
• Mentally consuming
• Emotionally draining

Empathizer and Instigator managers alike have the light of their energy dimmed by difficult people who are chronic complainers.

ARE YOU A PRECISION COMMUNICATOR?

You are a precision communicator. You know who you’re talking to by type. You adjust your language style to fit into the shoes of your co-communicator. You don’t build rapport to manipulate or to sell what someone doesn’t need. Yes, you are being held to impossibly challenging communication standards that include upfront giving corrective feedback. No worries mate. You are fully capable of making Miracles Happen On Talk Street.

ABOUT CORPORATE TRAINER, KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the “Talk Doc” and president of the Dayton Psychological Association, a relationship communications expert, corporate trainer, inspirational keynote speaker, and experienced couples and family counselor. For over 30 years, Dr. O’Grady has focused on improving effective communication among everyone, including in-love couples, at-work teams, corporate leaders, and their families. Dennis is the developer of the innovative results-driven Talk to Me© effective leadership and teamwork communication system. His book on positive and effective interpersonal communication, Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along with Anyone, is available at drogrady.com or at Amazon.