How To Give Feedback To A Sensitive Person?

CALM DOWN?

What gives the green light to constructive feedback when talking to your Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator cohort? If you’re an E-type, you prefer your feedback in a calm, non-confrontational tone. Empathizers are your workhorses. Treat them right and loyalty will be yours. Mistreat them? Remember that E-types have an elephant memory for mouse-sized hurts.

GO: CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK, EMPATHIZER-STYLE

How to give the green light of good feedback to your sensitive people or Empathizer communicators:

1. BE NON-CONFRONTATIONAL. You can make a point without being sarcastic, or without looking away or down your nose.

2. FOCUS ON HOW TO DO A TASK CORRECTLY. If you demonstrate how to correct a problem that’s causing trouble now, you’ll find that the process will work far better than pointing a finger of blame for past mistakes.

3. DON’T USE AN ERASER THE SIZE OF A TRUCK TO NULLIFY ALL THE GOOD THAT’S BEEN DONE. Communicate an invigorating mixture of positives and negatives at the same time, creating an effective, beneficial feedback experience.

4. USE A CALM TONE. Using a calm voice tone sends the message that your first intention is to solve problems instead of causing them to escalate.

5. BE A MENTOR AND A TEACHER. Give gold advice. Suggest simple solutions to fix thorny problems. Be a role model – exemplify what you expect others to do.

6. USE THE I WORD MORE THAN THE YOU WORD. “You’re not doing this and you’re not doing that….” fixates on your anger instead of on the actions which would resolve the problems.

CONSTRUCTIVE FEEDBACK: GO, STOP, OR YIELD?

Constructive Feedback. Do you send a message to go – stop – or yield, when you’re interacting with others? Feedback in a minute or less is my loud horn blast for positive and effective communication. Hard to do, I know, but well worth the effort.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal. Dennis can be reached at (937) 428-0724.

Family Communication Challenge

GOOD TALK VIBRATIONS

Have you completed the Family Communication Challenge? It’s a great way to get good vibrations going in your family relationship system and in the couple unit. It’s a powerful communication tool and exercise that I frequently employ in positive and effective couple and family communications training, while using the Talk To Me© system. What is involved in this Challenge? Each person in the team canoe — for example the husband and wife, or kids and teens — separately makes a list of 10 positive talk trends that each would like to see incorporated into the family climate mix. Pure genius: This takes away the distracting focus of what’s not happening and places the spotlight on the target of what needs to happen for everyone to feel pretty good.

LET GO OF WHAT ISN’T WORKING AND TRY DOING WHAT WILL WORK BETTER

What 10 positives would you like to co-create and incorporate into your family relationships? Focusing on what isn’t working doesn’t address the positives that need to be added or how to correct the negatives. Allow a few minutes for each family member to create a list, then have all the lists brought to the Communicator Table for discussion. Once each other’s lists are shared, everyone will notice that many of the individual positives are repeated in other group members’ lists. All that’s left to do is to make a master list of these positive communication roadsigns to post on the refrigerator to light your way during dark times. In doing this, each family member is equally invested in making change happen fast and in working to see that the changes last.

ADD POSITIVES TO CORRECT THE NEGATIVES

One inventive Instigator father of high family character, who wanted to turn the rust of family conflict into golden opportunities for harmony, created this list of positives he hoped to see incorporated into family life:

1. BE NICE. Have open communication where it’s not my way or no way.

2. BE MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY AFFECTIONATE. Encourage a more touchy-feely and huggy atmosphere every day.

3. BE RESPECTFUL. I want to see more demonstrations of positive mother-and-daughter communication.

4. BE CALM. Remove angry tones and voices when conversing.

5. BE JUST. Lay down the rules, then discuss with everyone how the rules will impact the talk climate in the home.

6. BE FAIR. Require each person to help with chores around the house and in the yard.

7. BE CONFIDENT. Encourage the development of each individual’s self-confidence, which will feed into positive peer and parent relationships.

8. BE INDEPENDENT. Do more for yourself than you expect others to do for you.

9. BE A CHANGE SEEKER. You’ve got to keep the change going until it’s embedded in your lifestyle, family, communication, relationships.

10. BE A LOVING COUPLE. Take time as a couple to be affectionate, away from the duties of parenting.

Will any of these positives be found in one or more of the lists your family members make?

TEEN COMMUNICATION: HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH A PARENT WHO IS STRONG-WILLED

Family communication conflicts that don’t resolve problems, mangle the mood of everyone in the house. Here’s how one communications client put it:

I feel like things in the family are so much better now. My wife, teenage daughter, and I were falling into a communication pit. There was always an escalating conflict situation that involved yelling. We were absolute toast, fried, pouring gasoline on the fire. I’d even wondered in the past if I should get out of the house. Now I’m relieved not to be rehashing arguments that solved nothing. With your help, we’re not repeating mistakes that made our family unit spiral downward. It’s weird how easy it is to keep talking about what isn’t working instead of spending energy on what would work better if everyone would just stop putting nails under each other’s communicator car tires.

NOTHING TO FEAR

There is no better person to be than yourself. Your fears tend to steer your communicator car into a ditch, but there is really nothing to fear. Do you speak with confidence? Do you stick to your positive focus when those around you have lost their heads, due to mood rushes and traffic jams caused by negative feelings? To change everything, keep mindful of what you’re about as a good communicator.

THE MIRACLE OF GOOD COMMUNICATION

When you demonstrate consistent, positive change in your communication style, which is experienced by others as your personality, your partner will miraculously change for the better, too. When you talk positively, this helps to co-create positive changes in your talk partner’s viewpoint, and it opens up new avenues and approaches to real life problem solving. That’s why I call using the Talk2Me approach the Miracle of Good Communication.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and a corporate trainer and couples communications coach. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.

I’ve Got To Check With The Wife

I’M ONLY TEASING

“I’ve got to check with THE WIFE!” communicates what to you? I often hear this statement from guys, and it knocks my psychotherapist hat off. Said sarcastically by a strong-willed decider, Instigator-type communicator, what does this spoken transaction imply when psychoanalyzed under the Talk to Me© microscope? And how might “the wife,” who is typically an Empathizer-type communicator, feel about being referred to in this humorous manner?

SARCASM OR ASSERTIVE TALKING?

What does “I’ve got to check with THE WIFE!” imply or shout out to you and yours?

1. IT SOUNDS INSENSITIVE implies that the partner has a sensitivity problem or is oppressive….Akin to “I’ve got to check with the boss!”

2. IT’S IMPERSONAL implies a lack of commitment to clear communication.

3. IT’S NITPICKING. “I need to check WITH my wife….” sounds warmer and more respectful.

4. SHOWS LACK OF OWNERSHIP, which makes the person more of an object and a focus of complaining.

5. WOMAN’S GOT THE POWER? This implies that a wife makes all the important relationship calls and has the power to wield the final vote on important decisions.

6. IT DEPERSONALIZES….Sounds like one’s wife isn’t a flesh-and-blood human being who needs TLC.

7. IT SOUNDS DEMEANING. Men aren’t wimpy boys who kick little puppy dogs, are they?

How about me? What do I do? I make all the communication mistakes I teach about. Check with THE wife? Nah. I’ve first got to check with myself, to determine if I want to invest in the buddy relationship, and then I might TALK WITH my wife.

ARE YOU AN INSENSITIVE BOOB?

Instigator communicators are great teasers and can wield the knife of sarcasm or frosty silence like a surgeon. Those I-types who are married to Empathizers, don’t understand how E-types dwell on these “little word games that don’t mean anything.” One client said, “Why do I have to be so careful with my chosen words? My wife sits and mulls things over and goes into a quiet depressive funk thinking about it and then blurts out blurbs of what has been bothering her for weeks! How am I supposed to deal with that?!” How? By using words that are truthful and accurate.

DID YOU MEAN WHAT YOU JUST SAID?

An assertive E-type comeback is, “Did you mean what you just said, or are you just kidding?!” That assertion cuts through confusing communication. “Why should I have to watch my words?!” you say? In fact, one I-type fires back to his wife: “Well, what did I actually say?!” Not funny….

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.

It’s All About Quality Feedback

ADAPT TO YOUR OPPOSITE COMMUNICATION STYLE

It’s all about quality feedback, isn’t it? It’s so hard to communicate clearly. We all have expectations, make assumptions, get moody, fail to clarify…to verify…or to confirm. Do you invest in your future, or do you let your butt tell your head what to do?! I recently led a two-day educational seminar for leader-managers in the trucking industry. Here is the group wisdom of the 11 managers who were steeped in the easy moves of the Talk To Me positive and effective communication system that nets “real world” results:

MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR TALK TOOL KEYS

• Listen before you speak.

• Be on the same page.

• Try to know to whom you are talking.

• Be yourself.

• Accept responsibility for identifying the supervisor communication group and coach to move their thoughts and actions more toward the middle.

• It is essential to quickly identify communication types to aid in formulating the content of your message or feedback.

• Diffuse the conflict, resolve the problem.

• Adapt your communication style.

• Simply balance the communication styles.

• Accuracy in communication is essential.

• When dealing with rogues, have a plan.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal.

Flushing Mental Crap

MENTAL CRAP IS TOXIC TO YOUR MENTAL HEALTH

Mental crap, swirling around in your skull, is toxic to your mental health. It doesn’t have to be that way. You can flush the mental crap right down the drain. Now, I realize that Empathizer-type (E-type) communicators sometimes struggle with the blues, and their Instigator-type (I-type) life partners often act like court jesters, trying to “fix” their sensitive partners or at least get them to laugh off their blues…which actually depresses E-types all the more. But you can change how you talk to yourself and then climb out of the hole in which you find yourself, my dear E-types.

WHAT YOU THINK IS WHAT YOU GET

Your character is tested when the crap hits the fan. Are you going to do all those little caring things that give you comfort, or are you going to refuse to flush the toilet, making matters worse? Here’s how one female E-type, Terra, felt “emotionally flooded”:

I started making myself miserable again about things I can’t control. I focused on unpaid bills, pet problems, family members who are ill, a toxic neighbor, a Doberman that chases me when I’m jogging, and my husband who seems comfortable in the middle of an emotional tornado. My husband becomes more energized with stress; I become more drained. Then I blame myself for not feeling better and for bringing everyone around me down, too.

WHO’S YOUR MOOD MANAGER?

So, how do you fix your mental crap list? First, you must determine what crap is swirling ’round and ’round in your mind. Terra’s mental crap is composed of several things:

  • I’m making more excuses than fixing my sights on solutions.
  • I can’t change or rise above a negative mentality.
  • Since I’m a visual person, I create pictures of bad things happening to good people, like me.
  • I feel like I’m getting bitter and withdrawn.
  • Why can’t I have fun and pretend I’m on an episode of Hee Haw?
  • Little things tick me off, like my cat sleeping on my stuff.
  • Am I the only one bothered that the garage is full of old junk?
  • My husband wants to help me, but I don’t know what to tell him to do.
  • I feel like I should be contributing more to the social good.
  • Why am I not taking better care of myself?
  • I make it harder on myself than it needs to be.
  • When I’m in a bad mood, I disconnect from people who love me.
  • I’m frustrated that I keep falling into a hole…then I throw myself a pity party.

Now what? What’s stopping you from taking care of yourself? The solution is to show yourself a little caring and tenderness. Don’t blame those I-types who try to sound upbeat, but merely rub salt in the wound. Your I-type life partner is having an I-type panic attack when you’re in emotional pain.

FEELING GOOD AGAIN…THE NO CRAP ATTITUDE

How can you show compassion to yourself? By adopting the strengths of your opposite communicator type, which, in this case, is picking up and using Instigator strengths:

1. NO NONSENSE ATTITUDE. Adopt the attitude that you can climb out of the hole.

2. USE ASSERTIVE SELF-TALK. Example: “I didn’t fall into this hole, and there are straight-forward ways, proven effective, to get out of it.”

3. HAVE A LITTLE FUN WHEN YOU’RE MISERABLE. All you’ve got to lose is a negative attitude. Things don’t keep coming at you — you keep stress coming at you. Breathe!

4. GO OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Push yourself out of your comfort zone. Be more social and engage people who value you.

5. BE SARCASTIC. Example: “Anxiety isn’t going to kill me, so let’s get over it and go for a walk on the street or beach!”

6. YOU’RE A CHANGE MAKER. When you feel you have nothing more to lose, you are capable of the miracle of change.

7. STICK TO STRUCTURE. You can feel better by putting energy into you. Get more sleep, eat reasonably, don’t stay up late, stick to structure.

8. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS…BLAME THE NEXT PERSON YOU SEE. Hey, that’s what happens in real life! Just joking, of course….If you still feel like you’re swimming in an Olympic-size pool of pity, blame it on your life partner, or play the Blame Game with the person in the next cubicle at work.

9. SPEAK UP. Say to your life partner, for example: “Your chipper mood is depressing me. You need to stop feeling so anxious when I get the blues!”

You can change more easily than you might think!

I CAN’T GET THIS NEGATIVE CRAP OUT OF MY HEAD

“I can’t get this negative crap out of my head!” is a common sentiment of Empathizer-type communicators whose light is being drained. Another communication trainee said self-scoldingly:

I’m an Empathizer who’s not black-and-white like my Instigator mate. I don’t feel satisfied with myself. Here’s the pattern: I get fatigued always being on the go and not feeding myself good vibrations. My Instigator (I-type) partner will jump into motion and try to fix my problem, which actually compounds my feeling lonely and misunderstood. This is a cycle that keeps happening to me, one that I want to change ASAP. I need to be a better self-soother and a better self-encourager when I’m singin’ the blues.

Amen to that.

I DON’T THINK YOU’RE CRAPPIN’ OUT

Now, I don’t think you’re crappin’ out. But you and I both know that you and I produce and induce depression. Yes, some is chemical but much is conditioning. You know what to do to feel better. Give yourself the positive attention you need to re-generate. In part, the Talk To Me© system is designed to help you restore energy and reverse energy drains, lickety-split.

EMPATHIZER CLIFFSNOTES ON BEING THE MANAGER OF YOUR OWN MOOD

1. E-types become emotionally flooded more easily than I-types.

2. The blues are part of being a deep person.

3. You don’t fall into a hole…you walk blindly into a hole.

4. You can control your mood far more than you realize.

5. Who do you expect to be your “mood manager” if not you?

6. You aren’t a control freak, because you realize the harder you try to control, the behinder you get.

7. You CAN climb out of the hole you’ve walked into.

8. A bad mood can quickly become a bad habit pattern that you don’t need or want.

9. I-types will try to “fix it” and change your bad mood, which only reinforces it and makes it last longer.

10. At core to the cure is “TO DO ALL THOSE ROUTINE LITTLE THINGS” that you know will keep your mood steady; i.e., routine sleep, routine nutrition, routine positive self-talk, etc.

11. Acknowledge that your I-type co-communicator or partner will have an “I-type panic attack” when you get the blues…but that’s not your issue.

ABOUT TALK DOC, DENNIS E. O’GRADY

Dennis O’Grady, Psy.D., is known as the Talk Doc since the advent of his positive and effective communication system, Talk to Me©. Dennis is a corporate consultant and team trainer, while maintaining a private practice which focuses on improving communication. His Talk to Me© system has been successfully implemented in a “top down” process in companies which understand that to ensure positive results, the best investment in personnel development is in improved communication skills. Dr. O’Grady has customized and personally facilitated extensive Talk to Me© training programs for Dayton Freight Lines (Regional LTL Transportation Services); Morris South (CNC Machine Tool Distribution); Parts Express (Electronics E-Retailer); and Motoman (World Leader in Robotic Solutions). Dennis is president of the Dayton Psychological Association and is a clinical professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. His talk textbook, Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone, received the 2008 Axiom Business Book Award Silver Medal. Not much time to read? Check out www.drogrady.com for hundreds of blogs dedicated to Dennis’s communication approach. You can contact the Talk Doc at 937.428.0724, or email him from the web site.