I Feel Like The Crazy Person

YOU AREN’T CRAZY, LAZY OR STUPID

“I feel like a crazy person!” said Jack, my 45-year-old health professional…and communications client…on a rainy, Ohio, fall day. “My wife abruptly left me two weeks ago, and I need to know that I’m not a loon! I know not all counselors are created equal, and your reputation is caring but tough. I hear you are a straight talker who tells it like it is. I’ve read parts of your effective communication book, Talk to Me, and now I need to talk.” Do you ever feel like problems are being re-created, making you feel as if you’re losing your mind? Well, you are as sane as the day is long.

OUR MARRIAGE WASN’T WORKING OUT

When I am involved in relationship communication coaching, I first determine the communicator types of the players involved, as should you. Typically, your romantic partner is your opposite talk type. This proved true in the case of Jack and Jill. Jack was a male Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator, and in general, E-types tend to be more sensitive to others. Meanwhile, Jill was an Instigator (I-type) communicator, and in general, I-types tend to be more sensitive to self. Neither style is better or worse, just different. Jack spoke further of his anxious confusion:

What an idiot I am. Maybe I let her mess with my mind. And why don’t people see the control problem and realize she’s not the ‘nice guy’ she pretends to be? Why did I ignore the red flags flying? You know how you play that trust game in sensitivity training? The game where you fall backwards, with your eyes closed, and trust that your partner will catch you? Jill would never catch you. She has been very hurtful to me in the past. I don’t like to feel as though I’ve been defeated, so I hung in there too long.  Jill is cold, calculating and aloof.

As a “thin skinned” Empathizer communicator (E-type) , Jack can read the future in his crystal ball, but he can forget to forcefully stand up for himself in dominating ways with difficult people. Why? Because E-types hate conflict and drama.

SHOULD BE ACCOUNTABLE AND APOLOGIZE?

What do you think? Should your partner apologize for hurting your feelings? Instigators feel exasperated and irritated by Empathizers’ hurt feelings. “We should send them all to Empathizer Island so they can complain to one another!” quipped one I-type communicator. I-types believe that, “E-types put put too much emphasis on an apology. They try to make us I-types feel guilty. Why should I be the one to apologize if I didn’t intend to hurt her feelings?” I-types like Jack, would agree that, “Apologies are the way people are held accountable for their promised actions.”

THE TRICKY COMMUNICATOR

As they cover up their tracks with slippery-speak negatalking, reactive communicators of either type can make you feel like you have a few screws loose. According to Jack, what are the talk moves a tricky communicator makes, that compel you to feel like you’re losing your mind?

1.  Jill says I made her mad and disappointed. She gets angry when I bring things up…and try to talk about feelings…like I’m just making things up!

2. Jill says she doesn’t mean to hurt my feelings. I blame myself for not seeing the forest for the trees. What was I thinking? Why didn’t I leave her a long time ago? Why didn’t I see the meanness for what it was?

3. Jill says I don’t try hard enough. I plug up one leak in the dike with my finger, then another one, and I work hard but nothing changes. I play by the rules, and Jill still doesn’t change.

4. Jill says I have psychological issues. She always has someone to blame so she doesn’t have to look at her own issues!

5. Jill says she’s only trying to help me. She squirms out of taking responsibility as she twists the truth. “That’s her story, and she’s going to stick to it!”

6. Jill says it’s not her fault and everyone agrees with her. She rallies the troops and debates forever and a day when I ask legitimate questions.

7. Jill says I won’t change because I’m stubborn. She uses the perfect “nice guy” image outside the home which people can’t see through.  But she leaves psychic bodies strewn all around in her own home!

8. Jill says I act childish and take things too personal. I get down on myself when she talks down to me. Sometimes I feel stupid and confused when I try to get to the bottom of issues. Maybe I don’t remember clearly?

9. Jill says I’m stupid. Maybe I do ask too many questions? Do I come across as too emotionally needy?

10. Jill says I’m too negative. Maybe my negative thoughts and positive attitude aren’t where they ought to be?

11. Jill says she loves me in spite of my mistakes. And that no one else would ever treat me as well as she does. Am I losing it?

Crazytalk makes you doubt your own perceptions with irrelevant questions. And if you wish a male version of an emotional terrorist, read Lundy Bancroft’s book, Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men.

CRAZYTALKING CRAZYMAKING

Jill says she loves me. But should love drain you and hurt you? The tricky communicator creates self-doubt within easy going Empathizer listeners. All of these are slick ways that make you feel like you’re a nut who hasn’t fallen too far from the tree. That’s why Jill says, “He’s making me crazy!”

IF AT FIRST YOU DON’T SUCCEED…TRY, TRY DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT

“I feel like I’m the crazy person here!” indicates that communication problems are being perpetuated, not resolved. There’s nothing wrong with your mind! In fact, “If at first you don’t succeed…try, try, doing something different!” is my change motto. Poor communication clouds the insight needed to determine what steps are needed to solve a problem, ensuring that problems go unsolved. “Crazytalking crazymaking” is the emotional experience of “the elephant in the room…stinks.” You don’t want to feel like one of your front porch lights has burned out, although your light may be dimming.

HOW DO I KEEP MY FRONT PORCH LIGHT BURNING BRIGHT, BYPASSING THE TRICKY COMMUNICATOR?

Particularly, more sensitive E-types are bound to question if they’re (not you) the crazy ones. Now say with me, “I’m not crazy because a licensed psychologist who is licensed to tell me if I am crazy says I’m NOT CRAZY! Whew…take a deep breath, go easy, relax for a second, will ya? Of course, you aren’t going to allow anyone to drive you crazy without your consent. By the end of our meeting, Jack didn’t feel crazy or depressed, and he had renewed energy to address the problems at hand. Jack wasn’t loony tunes. This situation was about a tricky and strategic talker who is a negative communicator. Are we clear instead of confused, now?

ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS PSYCHOLOGIST DENNIS E. O’GRADY, PSY.D.

Dennis O’Grady is the father and developer of the innovative Talk to Me© effective communication system, which streamlines communication that is productive and useful, inside your head and inside your relationships. Confusing emotions chase us all, but the Talk to Me© approach to good communication will help boost your mood, keep your energy up, and free yourself from the road tar of negative relationships or emotions.

Don’t Beat Around The Bush

DON’T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH…

A major criticism that Empathizer-type communicators have of Instigators is that I-types don’t beat around the bush long enough, but instead, come straight to the point. E-types like to groom the bush, hug it and trim it, provide nourishing water and fertilizer, and generally hang around to see if all the nurturing makes a difference. Different strokes for different folks, y’all.

Knowing that E-types feel miffed when they are stiffed of relationship regard, it would follow that, when miffed and stiffed, E-types will erect a resentment wall. If you’ve ever tried scaling a resentment wall, you know how difficult it is, whether you intend to accomplish a task just beyond the wall right now or whether you want to know how to make it successfully past the wall, just in case you need this information in the future.

Now, once you have mastered the technique of identifying the talk type of yourself and that of your talk partner, you’ll be able to put the strengths of both types into play. The traits and habits of either type are easily applied to most any situation, depending on what you are trying to accomplish. When you use the Million Dollar Talk Tools from your Communicator Toolbox, you’ll find that the efforts net good results for all.

The Rule of Personal Mood Motivation: When you step on the toes of your fellow talk dancer, a significant reduction of work activity or output will predictably result. That’s why it’s so important to learn the talk dance steps of TALK2ME.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a family business communication consultant from Dayton, Ohio. He is a marriage counselor and effective communications coach. Contact Dennis at (937) 428-0724 to select modules from the library of positive and effective communication to achieve your desired results.

The Goal Of Talk2Me Training

The goal of TALK2ME© communication training is to enhance performance and profits by improving trustworthy communication. This is accomplished by pushing leadership down the ranks by accessing strengths and steering around weaknesses or potholes on the two-way communication highway.

WALK THE TALK OF POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION

TALK2ME© tools create positive results in the individual, team, and organization as illustrated in your personal copy of Discover Your Inner Strength. The following results occur as innovative TALK2ME© strategies are implemented. When you learn, you earn:

1. Bridges of trust are built


2. Initiative is taken by each individual


3. A collaborative, two-way communicator highway is built among team members


4. Managing mood increases productivity by 40%


5. Sense of urgency for improvement and tolerance for change is felt among team members

GIMMICKS

Sadly, some communication training programs are presented in a large group, lecture format, so the information may go into the head, but it doesn’t move into the heart and hands of the student to be successfully implemented everyday. That’s too bad, because such programs can be a waste of your time and money. In contrast, because training is in an interactive format, TALK2ME© tools “stick” with trainees, enabling them to spontaneously apply the tools in their personal relationships, with the same great results they experience in the workplace.

It all comes down to communication, and you can maintain control of and influence all your conversations just by using a few simple tools from the TALK2ME© communication toolbox.

DEVELOPER OF TALK2ME POSITIVE AND EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SYSTEM

Dennis O’Grady, PsyD, is a clinical psychologist who is a communication expert. He was 2008 president of the Dayton Area Psychological Association. Dr. O’Grady may be contacted at 7501 Paragon Road, Suite 200, Dayton, OH 45459. Office Phone: 937-428-0724. E-mail: dennis@drogrady.com

Communicate Effectively

COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY…

Experienced communicators don’t fail to fail, but they do successfully learn from their mistakes. Our first TALK2ME© communication training session held thousands of years of real life communication driving school experiences – tips and tools guaranteed to break down Jersey walls or barriers which restrict communication during tumultuous travel times.

MULTI-MILLION DOLLAR TALK TOOLS TO HELP YOU COMMUNICATE EFFECTIVELY

What one rule of good communication do you follow when nothing else seems to be working, and the chips are down? This is your group wisdom! By communicating effectively you LEARN and EARN. By doing what?

  • Understanding objections
  • Having patience; look at the big picture
  • Clearing the decks by using a “laser focus” to hone in on one thing
  • Being honest with oneself; admit and correct mistakes
  • Keeping an open mind; don’t let T.V. do your thinking for you
  • By just listening
  • When in a traffic jam, taking a helicopter view of the situation
  • Utilizing a listening discussion vs. a debating discussion
  • Changing the channel of “I’m usually right!” selective listening
  • Presenting an “I can solve problems” positive attitude
  • Changing your viewpoint; agreeing to disagree; not either/or but both/and
  • Being more tolerant; seeking to understand
  • Doing your prep work and using your work ethic
  • Calming yourself down by leaving emotions out

DO YOU TALK AT PEOPLE, OR DO YOU TALK WITH PEOPLE?

Do you talk at people or talk with people? Are you shrinking from facing down your fears of failure? Expert communicators flexibly use the combined strengths of successful Empathizer and Instigator communicators. By doing so, you TALK2PEOPLE!

TALK2PEOPLE!

Call Talk2Me developer and trainer, Dr. Dennis O’Grady, to discuss your leadership communication workshop needs today at (937) 428-0724.

Get Busy Teaming

WHAT ARE YOUR COMMUNICATION TRAINING OBJECTIVES?

How do you get busy teaming? What if your team is made up of top performers who hate to fail and love to excel? Here’s what one team of effective communicators focuses on when it comes to practicing and profiting from good communication skills…

◊ The key is motivation, motivating everyone to be the very best they can be.

◊ Understand that the success of the person relates to the success of the company…and vice versa.

◊ The success of the company is directly related to the effort of the individual.

◊ Our leadership wants everyone to be involved and committed to the team approach.

◊ We’re getting there, but there still is a lot of work to be done…we need to openly share ideas as a group.

◊ Company objectives are clear…we don’t want people who have the best ideas to shy away, because implementation of new ideas leads to greater success.

◊ What’s the best way to achieve the objectives? Solve problems as a team

◊ It’s not your problem — it’s our problem. We’re problem solving from a team perspective rather than from an individual perspective.

◊ Stronger personalities won’t point the finger — all personalities around the communicator table will give positive input.

◊ We will not be afraid of failure. We are correcting issues…not correcting people (that’s communication).

◊ It’s not that I don’t like you….I don’t like problems that go uncorrected.

◊ Don’t make people the issue.…Make solving the problem the issue.

◊ Different people drive certain things, but everyone needs to be a driver.

◊ Don’t wait for someone else to get something done — if you see something that’s not being done, take it upon yourself to see that it happens.

◊ We are a whole group of drivers, reaping huge benefits as a team.

◊ If we focus on these areas of change, we will make huge gains.

◊ We work for each other.

◊ Everyone will be working equally hard, together, to produce significant success.

◊ We don’t believe in empire building and clicks….We are one group trying to achieve the same thing.

◊ “I didn’t get it done because they didn’t make it happen…” is not being accountable.

◊ We’ve made big strides, but we can continuously get better.

◊ Our company succeeds when we give you a communication comfort level to express your new ideas without fear.

Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship psychologist and developer of the management communication training system called TALK2ME. Dennis can be reached at 937-428-0724.

Get busy teaming!