Losing control feels lousy. Being controlled by others feels worse. Changes that you cannot control will always cause the most negative stress. Here are 10 workable approaches to take back control of your stress.
1. BE OK WITH BEING OVERWHELMED.
You gain control when you don’t have to deny any emotion-pleasant or unpleasant. You lose control when you have to feel “good” or be “perfect” all the time.
2. ACCEPT DISAPPOINTMENT BUT NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT.
You gain control when you don’t label major disappointments as personal defeats. You lose control when you must be “right” or come out on top in every relationship situation.
3. STOP PUSHING YOURSELF TO BE PERFECT.
You gain control when you frame your imperfections as the traits that make you a more complex, compassionate, complete, lovable and genuine human being. You lose control when you use perfectionism as a defense against exposing who you truly are.
4. TALK FROM YOUR HEART WHEN YOU ARE HURTING.
You gain control when you are able to talk openly about your hurts, fears and frustrations without blaming others for your current trials and tribulations. You lose control when you must be “The Strong and Silent One,” a persona that creates disconnected and lonely relationships.
5. TAKE CONSTRUCTIVE ACTION IN THE MIDST OF UNCERTAINTY AND HIGH ANXIETY.
You gain control when you realize the insanity of staying stuck in a rut and spinning your wheels to avoid going into the unknown. You lose control when you depend on only one route to get somewhere; as a result, you feel insecure driving down new roads and traveling to new places.
6. DON’T WORSHIP THE STATUS QUO.
You gain control when you refuse to make abrupt and unwise changes that “feel good” but are used to escape a painful reality that has the potential to create growth. You lose control when you make cosmetic changes but fail to make deeper ones.
7. STOP SABOTAGING SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIPS.
You gain control when you insist on talking positively, especially when your relationship profits are soaring. You lose control when you think that a positive relationship doesn’t require weekly work because you’ve got it so good.
8. TAKE REFUGE IN BEING A DREAMER AND A DOER.
You gain control when you bring your good ideas into reality by walking your talk. You lose control when you talk big and act little.
9. FAIL TO FEAR FAILURE.
You gain control when you don’t allow the fear of failure to drag you down and keep you from trying something new and important to you. You lose control when you blame or shame yourself for failing to learn fast or soon enough.
10. PUT OFF PROCRASTINATING.
You gain control when you live in the present by “fixing” and pleasing yourself for a change. You lose control when you live in the past and try too hard to change, please or “fix” others.
In my classes about dealing with change, I challenge trainees to park in a different parking spot or area at work to begin to get accustomed to taking charge of change. Little changes made every day can help you learn to adapt to the bigger changes that lie ahead. I challenge you to do the same today.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.