The insensitive communicator uses the art of guerilla attack talk tactics to slam your confidence and pass the buck of blame. An anger communicator, in fact, uses hypnotic mind-altering suggestions to make him/herself feel higher up and you lower down. Why would they act so mean? Well, it works.
What are some examples of these bad talk tactics…and better assertive replies? I will use a common “blaming attack” followed by an “assertive counter-response.”
- Blame game: You always think you’re right.
- Assertive response: I don’t “always” think I’m right…but many times I am right. What’s your point?
- Blame game: You’re full of yourself.
- Assertive response: Actually, my confidence could use some boosting now and then. Since I wish I always felt really confident and on top-of-the-world…what’s your point?
- Blame game: You’re not committed.
- Assertive response: You’re right. I’m not committed to unfair fights and bad talk habits. What’s your point?
- Blame game: There you go again.
- Assertive response: There I go again, what? What’s your point?
- Blame game: You’re SO stubborn.
- Assertive response: I do have a strong will. What’s your point?
- Blame game: Nothing I do is ever good enough for you.
- Assertive response: The point is whether or not what you do is good enough for you. What’s your point…what are you trying to get at here?
- Blame game: You aren’t a very good communicator.
- Assertive response: What’s your point? What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?
- Blame game: You’re always so negative.
- Assertive response: I agree that we need to speak/act more positively. What’s your point? Are you trying to tell me how you’re going to go about doing that?
Guerilla attack guilt trips, slams, shaming and blaming, arguing, power plays, one-upping, personality attacks, sounding confident…are all dismissively aggressive talk tactics that strive to zap your confidence and make you doubt your intuitions.
Effective talking isn’t about “right vs. wrong” BUT about “what works vs. what isn’t working.” Assertively say, “What’s your point?” Or, better yet, “What’s that got to do with the price of tea in China?” for a change of pace in the tug-of-war called miscommunication.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady teaches how to effectively handle insensitive or anger communicators and guilt bombers who try to run your self-esteem down into the ground by using mind games in his book TALK TO ME.