Troubled relationships tend to feature certain traits that you shouldn’t live with and personal issues you or your partner would be wise to change IF you want to make your love last. In “Talk to Me,” I proactively discuss what to say when “relationship reg flags” are popping up on your ship of love. No one wants those problems to deep-six your love in Davey Jones’ locker.
If seven or more of these “relationship red flags” are flying in your partnership or marriage…DON’T DELAY…get on the calendar of a communications psychologist TODAY.
1. Critical feedback is reacted to as criticism. A partner becomes defensive, and claims you are attacking him/her, when you are simply telling the truth and communicating your concerns honestly and openly.
2. An “I can’t talk to you!” atmosphere. Missed communication is rampant, and you feel exasperated, helpless and frustrated when you try to talk to your partner…but can’t.
3. Not a happy camper. You frequently feel down and blue. There is an avoidance of positive change and growth as a couple, and distractions such as hobbies, sleep, overwork, friends and family displace talking and sharing.
4. Unrealized potentials. A partner has the innate talents and potentials to get the job done but never stays focused long enough to finish the job. This applies to goals and dreams, interviewing for a new job, saving money, quitting drinking, overcoming procrastination, stopping worrying or whatever.
5. Heavy past baggage. Personal ghosts from the past and skeletons in the closet erect a resentment wall between you and your partner. Without change counseling…not much changes…and emotional intimacy is impossible.
6. Stressful lifestyle. Unproductive health habits can have a “stressful communication ripple effect” onto the relationship stage. These include alcohol or drugs, depression, gambling, workaholism, emotional affairs, cannabis or tobacco abuse, worrying, road rage, infidelity, etc.
7. Leading separate lives. Spending a great deal of time in separate activities that involve separate friends, separate family events, sibling hours, church study groups, working out-of-town and long work hours, to name a few. The physical and romantic side to a couple’s life suffers.
8. “I feel mad at my partner!” Emotionally feeling frustrated and angry much of the time toward a partner’s attitudes, behaviors, comments, weight, clothing personal interests and tastes. NOT a good sign of good communication!
9. Believing, or being told, that you are a control freak. Although big-hearted and smart people often want to be in control of everything, that situation is different than being verbally slammed for being “a control freak” by your nit-picking partner.
10. It’s just too much work to talk. If you must try really, really hard to talk, then chances are you are a couple in trouble. For satisfied couples, talking isn’t hard work.
Are you a communication pansy? Do you holler, “You need to frickin’ talk to me!” Other symptoms of a “marriage on the rocks” can be as simple as who picks up around the house? Who bears the burden of boring chores? Who is free to initiate sex? How much time is spent with friends and extended family members? Who’s better at budgeting money? Who crashes on the couch first at the end of a day’s work?
“I have to twist my partner’s arm to make them talk!” is a bad sign that good talk that thrills is gone. And when that four-letter word TALK takes a hike…you may be on the losing end of love.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist who has worked 30+ years as a professional relationship counselor and family business consultant who discusses how to save your marriage and go from mework to teamwork by using communication tools that are showcased in his latest book, TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.