Do you ever get your feelings hurt by something someone close to you has said about you or your intentions? Have you ever noticed that feeling blue, worried or ticked off can be passed off to you like bad driving directions that sound SO right-on but take you SO off-road to lostville? It’s called “emotional contagion” and IT happens every day…if you go along with it.
In fact, I often hear righteous lay people preach about the importance of “taking responsibility for m/y/our actions.” However, rarely do I hear this “emotional literacy” test: “Are you taking responsibility for your emotions…your emotional life…how or how not to spread around your emotions contagiously to others?”
Why Should You Carry IT Around When IT’S NOT YOUR STUFF
This is how talking back to an emotional off-loader sounds when you challenge the assumption that “If you pick up my bad feeling luggage…then I won’t have to carry it around.”
Talking back to an emotional off-loader:
Off-loader: “I’m having a terrible day…I can’t believe how unlucky I am.”
Talking sense to yourself: “O.K. now here’s a chance to practice this talk tool. I’m beginning to feel sorry for this person and getting down. Let’s see…what was I supposed to say? Oh yeah, something like, “What does IT have to do with me?” Shoot, what does what have to do with me? Oh, I remember now, what does your having a bad day have to do with me! I don’t have to pick up someone else’s bad mood just because I’m a nice person. I’m ready now so here goes…”“What does your (IT) _____ have to do with me?”
Example: “What does your negative attitude have to do with me?”
Now first be prepared for a stunned silence. Then get ready to hear a list of talk excuses as long as your arm! Listen to the answers but do not absorb the feelings or tone of the answers. Be curious. Seek first to understand why others are SO afraid of his/her emotions that they need a scapegoat to strap them to.
STOPPING A TALK PARTNER FROM TRIGGERING YOUR EMOTIONS
Emotionally illiterate people are SO afraid of m/y/our emotions that they need a scapegoat like you to spew on or skewer with hot emotions.
More Practice Using CommTool#5: “What does IT have to do with me?!” Imagine that you’ve heard a talk partner rant and rave about something for which they aren’t taking responsibility…the very something they expect you to be in tepid emotional synchrony about.
Now’s IT’S time to TALK BACK with this type of TALKUPPANCE:
- What does your “I have a bad attitude!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m having a hard time today!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m in a bad mood today” have to do with me?
- What does your “BUT I didn’t mean to do it!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I wasn’t thinking!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m sorry I didn’t know what I was doing!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m so crunched for time I didn’t get to it!”
- What does your “I didn’t intend to blow the budget this month!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m too stressed to calm down!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m sorry I was late I can seem to ever be on time!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I have a problem with being a prude!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I feel so down and under the weather!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I ate and drank too much again last night!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I hate the drama between my brothers/sisters but I can’t do anything about it!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I don’t have any money!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I forgot my homework!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I can’t find anyone for a date!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I can’t get past/over IT!” pessimism have to do with me?
- What does your “I can’t help my moods and feelings running me all over the place!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I had a bad past that makes ME do dumb stuff today!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I had an affair because she/he seduced me!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I believe that only God can fix this!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I don’t know what to do!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I must please my mother/father!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I can’t stop worrying about it!” attitude have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m running late and running fast!” decision have to do with me?
- What does your “I can’t get along with my dumb teacher!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m too uptight to relax!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I dislike change so I can’t do something new and different!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I think I’m having a midlife crisis!” have to do with me?
- What does your “I’m feeling SO old and over the hill!” have to do with me?
- What does your “BUT I didn’t mean to do IT!” have to do with me?
WAYTOGO! Feel how the speakers’ excuses aren’t excused or allowed to be used as a cop out or dropped into your mental living space?
HOW TO STOP A PARTNER FROM TRIGGERING YOUR EMOTIONS
CommTool#5 will absolutely help you to donate or ditch others/your excess emotional baggage from the past.
Now you know (with a little practice) how so stop whining and bellying up to a bar full of poison! Then, once you have extra space in your communicator car and free room in your psyche…don’t take on others or our own extra stuff or stuffiness.
Point A: Don’t bug people with emotions you are too afraid to feel.
Point B: Don’t let other peoples’ emotions bug you, the emotions that they are too afraid to deal with responsibly.
Whoa…Wow! Feel the difference speaking up to negativity makes in your life and your reserves of energy?!
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone, who is using his new theory of communicator types to bring these “CommTools” to you and yours to make a positive change in your life.