“I’m married to the most difficult man in the world!” a communications client recently told me. “And when I try to talk to him, I end up shutting down and not saying anything…which isn’t doing any good for our marriage.” She then added ruefully, “He thinks I’m irrational and silly, and that there’s nothing wrong with us and that the only wrong is just me. Am I the one who’s at fault?!”
A ONE-WAY TALK STREET
Relationship distress is signaled by stereotypical types of negative one-way talks that DISTRACT partners from solving relationship issues or problems. What problems need solving in a dissatisfying marriage? Furthermore, what signals indicate relationship distress is underway in your partnership or marriage?
- “I’m/you’re the one at fault” thinking
- There’s no time, or precious little time, spent together
- A partner denies there’s anything wrong or in need of “fixing” or “improving” in the relationship
- No heart-to-heart communication…there’s just a daily “to do” list exchanged between two ships passing in the night
- Talks can abruptly turn off or get downright mean, nasty, brusque, cold, cynical, angry or even hateful and spiteful
- A bad attitude creeps in like a fencepost vine, then gets this strangle-hold on love, “You dislike me…you don’t even like who I am!”
- There’s boredom.. and lack of excitement about being together except for a brief sexual outlet, if that
- No fun hanging out together…an air of grumpiness permeates the air
- Romantic “warm fuzzies” have turned into unromantic “cold pricklies”
- A Grand Canyon of emotional distance exists between partners and it seems impossible to bridge the wide divide and gap
- The blame game leads to closed-talking vs. open-talking
- Empathizer-type communicators who are sensitive and “tuned in” shut down when talks are confrontational and emotion laden. Thus, they can fail to follow “the I-type pleasure map”
- Instigator-type communicators can argue circles around their Empathizer cohort. Thus, they can fail to follow “the E-type treasure map”
SO…WHAT’S YOUR POINT?
Empathizer communicators (or E-types) need to stop being SO distracted by talk ploys that can simply be put to rest, with:
- So…what’s your point?
- How’s that going to solve the problem?
- Do we even agree on what the problem is that needs solving?
- For crying out loud, what is the problem, in your mind?
- Are we trying to affix blame…or fix the problem?
- Beating the “It’s not that bad!” drum is working things out?
- So…like I’ve asked you before…WHAT’S YOUR POINT?
No easy feat not to be distracted by the swift-moving feet of a Mohammed Ali sparring partner in the couple boxing ring.
A JUNKYARD DOG: YOU REALLY DIDN’T KNOW THINGS WERE THIS BAD?!
When your lover treats you to the same benign neglect as an old rusty car in the local junkyard, you know that positive talks on the two-way communicator highway have shut down, and the red flares announcing danger on the road ahead are smokin’. Due to talk technology, there’s no need to be left hanging at the end of your relationship rope!
The only way I know of that works to break a relationship stalemate or “distracting talks cycle” is to use the powerful talk tools I lay out on the communicator table in my book TALK TO ME, and/or to go into individual or couple communications coaching or counseling focused on improving Y/OUR communication skills.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady runs workshops on “Conflict Resolution and Anger Management,” “Change Management,” “Leadership Talks,” and “Talk to Me.” He has earned a doctorate of psychology in 1983 and is the founding President of New Insights Communication in Dayton, Ohio, USA. Dennis is the author of TALK TO ME that explains how the two communicator types are worlds apart…but don’t have to remain that way. The concepts of “warm fuzzies vs. cold pricklies” comes from Dr. Claude Steiner’s “Warm and Fuzzy Fairy Tale.” Claude writes and teaches about “Emotional Literacy,” and “The Ten Commandments of Emotional Literacy.” Communication teachers around the globe, stress the importance of how to communicate emotions honestly without causing intellectual collisions–or belief clashes that lead to relationship crashes.