When talks with your partner aren’t going anywhere fast or even slipping and sliding steadily downhill, it’s a great time to go inside and ask yourself, “What do I need to have/make happen here SO that I am heard?” Or, “What do I need for my co-communicator to know about me, and my Achilles Heel, to feel more connected and satisfied…paddling in the same canoe together?”
It’s not a crazy thing to do. And after talking to yourself when you’re in a tight spot, it’s a grand time to come out and honestly say: “SO I NEED you to hear that_____!” Effective communication strategies and tools ALL involve some “skull talk” or figuring out what you need to make happen to feel good.
SKULL TALK
Here’s how you can talk calmly and rationally to yourself when you are upset. In fact, I’ve listed some 30 or so sample transactions to get you started.
“O.K. self…you’re frustrated and that’s a cue that you could say or do something idiotic right now which isn’t terribly rational. Therefore…let’s stop and think for a change and stop reacting and regurgitating words that are choking off the energy flow of life-affirming communication. Let me see…yeah, I need to own that right now what I need is _____!”
WHEN YOU FEEL TREATED LIKE A CHILD BY YOUR PARTNER
Who especially is CommTool#6 designed for? Well, everyone that’s for sure BUT especially for pleasers and placators and all of us “unassertive stuffers of anger.” How about when you feel sorry for yourself and lounge too long on the pity pot? Or when your happiness is blasted? And always when a fight is escalating and you feel treated like a child.
And last but not least, it’s a good tool to use when you’re NOT listening to your own WOW…words of wisdom.
“I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT_____!” REAL WORLD TALK TRANSACTIONS
Alright…some of these sentences will sound a little weird, perhaps even TOO rational, BUT give this tool and idea a fair shake. Now fasten your seat belts, because we are speeding down the on-ramp to the two-way communication highway.
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I am feeling VERY frustrated right now and I’m afraid I’m going to pop a cork!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I hate it when you micromanage me!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I would like us to be romantic tonight!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..Your tone of voice is triggering me…the way you’re talking is setting me off!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I can’t pull out of this emotional nose dive very easily!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I’m throwing up a wall because I’m scared!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I don’t trust you to hear my feelings without shaming me!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..In my opinion, we’ve changed for the BETTER, so don’t fuss as much!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I’m not able to turn the corner on being better able to take good physical care of myself right now!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..what you just said ticks me off because I feel treated like a bad child without any common sense!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..when you say “Don’t talk to me that way!” it’s a real turnoff!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..when I don’t know how to do something I still am a very fast learner!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I really don’t want to help you out of this jam although I feel guilty when I say “no” to you!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I feel terribly lonely since Dad passed!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I think we avoid having fun together due to how hard we are working and over-achieving!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I’ve got to get all my work done before we can play!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I need to operate on a rational basis more and less on an emotional basis…far less!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I’m scripted to be the hard, tough guy, but I’m not really that way!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I know you will do your best to change!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I know we are communicating better than we ever have before!
I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT…..I love YOU!
So there you go. Anything else you want to know? Well, alright then. I need you to know (hear) that I really loved talking to you today! Let’s talk again real soon!
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone, who is using his new theory of communicator types to bring these “CommTools” to you and yours to make a positive change in your life.