Sometimes when you are talking to a partner you will feel like you are gasping in thin air or trudging in sludge and mud up to your knees. It’s the farthest thing from feeling as if you’re receiving a standing ovation for being the awesome and unique person/ality you are.
All joking aside, when you are stumped…when your logic is struck down like a tree hit by lightning…when you are tongue-tied by panicky anxiety…when your mind is so completely blown you are speechless…when you really don’t know where on earth the other person is coming from if from this planet or solar system at all…it’s time to punt the talk football by asking a single, head-on question…”What makes you THINK THAT?!”
CURIOUS…I’M ON NEW COMMUNICATION TURF
You will know you are getting somewhere positive with the CommTools when you hear yourself exclaim: “Why, I didn’t know what my partner would say at that point. S/he would have to stop playing the old broken record …stop reading from that old, moth-eaten talk script. We might have to ad lib for a change…be spontaneous which might even strike a spark of romance between us!”
You got that right. Do you ever tire of being SO right? Now granted, you are best off using an even tone of voice that is disarming, not discounting or dismissive, when you spit out this question when your tongue and brain are both numb.
STOP YANKING M/Y/OUR CHAIN
Here are some separate examples of what you could say in response to a bunch of different negative transactions that may make you SO hot under the collar you might drive off the road. (Now give me a chance later on to teach you how to respond to the response you receive which in all likelihood will be another negative talks (-T) mode miscommunication).
Just know for now, these are all one-liners in separate topic categories for your use to become comfortable with “talking back by using a directive question” or “popping the positive question.”
Negative Talker: It’s all in your head!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You feel fine about IT!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You don’t talk!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You’re a poor communicator!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You’ll get over IT!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You don’t make plans because you’re lazy!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: Stop crying. You’ll embarrass me and yourself!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You just want to start a fight!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: We shouldn’t talk about this again!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You’re all mixed up…you don’t know what you think!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You don’t spend enough time with the kids!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You only think of yourself!
You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
Negative Talker: You’ve only got yourself to blame!
Positive You: What makes you THINK THAT?!
When you first read these examples, you may think that IT’s asking a pretty dumb question, but you will be surprised what positive results you can fetch from this seemingly innocuous communication move. Why heck…you will probably end up on “new communication turf” where something unexpectedly positive might happen.
Again, when to use this talk tool? When you can’t think of anything to say, or when you are afraid that what comes out of your mouth later you might regret…it’s time to pull out and use another one of the “directive questions” CommTool#7: “What makes you THINK THAT?!” Then listen non-defensively to the answer, if that’s possible.
Now granted, when you “talk back” to a negative talker, be sure to use an even tone of voice that is disarming but not dismissive nor discounting. That’s not hard to do and VERY important.
Of course, since you are a positive communicator who gets effective results most of the time your actions and behaviors match your words and your professed beliefs.
After all, “Actions without words mean nothing!” just as “Words without actions are empty.”
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist and relationship coach from Dayton, Ohio, and the author of “TALK TO ME: Communication moves to get along with anyone.” Dennis is using his new theory of communicator types and communicator modes to bring these “CommTools” alive to you and yours to improve your communication skills and strategies.