Healthy self-esteem lets us accept our selves and enjoy life. Although we all strive for healthy self-esteem, many people don’t realize its complexity. Biggest myths:
Myth: People with healthy self-esteem have no faults….or at least don’t recognize them.
Truth: They are acutely aware of their weaknesses or Achilles Heel. Their edge: They have a plan… they are constantly working to overcome their weaknesses…they correct the problem instead of blame the person.
Myth: People with healthy self-esteem never feel down.
Truth: They can be very insecure – they just use positive communication tools to cope better. When they run into trouble they work to resolve it now not later. Instead of only making a “to do” list…they commit to a “DO(NE)” one.
WHY SELF ESTEEM GOES SOUR
Problems with self-esteem are often rooted in unresolved issues with the same sex parent.
Examples: A boy who was constantly told he was better than his father grows up with inflated self-esteem…a girl who saw how bored her mother was in her marriage inherits low self-esteem, believing she has to put up with distant, uncaring men.
Where people with healthy self-esteem learn to forgive their parents’ mistakes and move on, people with too high or too low self esteem may become so absorbed in trying to fix the past or others that they can’t get on with their lives.
Trap: Low self-esteemers (LSEs) and excessive self-esteemers (ESEs) often end up in relationships together. They reinforce each other’s behavior. LSEs seek partners who appear to have no insecurities…ESEs want partners who won’t question their authority. LSEs have trouble accepting compliments…ESEs rarely give them and expect others to “fill them up.”
EXPECTATIONS CRASHES RESULT IN LOW SELF-ESTEEM
People with low self-esteem have unreal expectations for others and for themselves. Result: Frequent disappointment, which leads to anger, bitterness and resentment.
Trap: Even when they’re upset with someone else, LSEs shoulder the blame. If they do take action, it’s often not productive.
Examples: Having an extramarital affair…abruptly switching jobs…avoiding friends and associates…submitting inferior work.
To repair low self-esteem you must stop feeling sorry for yourself, stop playing the “victim violin” and commit to a self-improvement plan. Helpful: Remember that you’re not alone. LSEs often judge others to have higher self-esteem that is actually untrue. To raise your self-esteem use the motto: “If at first you don’t succeed…try, try doing something different!”
CORRECTING LOW-SELF ESTEEM
Raising self-esteem is akin to mindfully putting air into a balloon or low tire a little at a time. Actions to take:
Take stock of your self. List your top 10 strengths and talk about them. Then list your top 10 weaknesses and select one, to start with, that you’ll work to improve.
Accept compliments freely (even if you don’t think they’re true). Catch yourself in the act of doing something well and congratulate yourself.
Ask for constructive feedback. This will improve your work performance and prevent costly mistakes. Accept advice without guilt or feelings of inadequacy.
Open up to others. Everyone needs a support network of people to help bring them up when they’re down and to talk about worries. When you feel insecure, ask a friend to tell you what he/she likes about you. Internalizing problems heightens stress and its harmful side effects.
Don’t panic when resolving a difficult problem. Work it through without resorting to nasty criticism…or harmful outlets – extramarital affairs, drug and alcohol abuse, procrastination and perfectionism, the complaining habit, workaholism, etc.
Don’t blindly accept blame and criticism form others. They’re not always correct. Balance what you “feel” with what you “know” to be true.
Fight procrastination. Take on a small task that moves you closer to your goal. Remember: Achieving a large goal means you’ve taken at least 20 small steps towards its achievement.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Give yourself some criticism-free time to learn something new. Deliberately make a mistake or two everyday that you won’t feel guilty about. If you feel down, do something nice for yourself.
Exaggerate all your self-criticism. Eventually you’ll reach a point at which you start to laugh.
WHY SUPER-HIGH SELF-ESTEEM ISN’T A GOOD THING
People with super-high or excessive self-esteem (ESE) think they’re always right, are quick to blame others for their problems and lash out when they are frustrated. They think they must control every situation, afraid that others will take advantage of them if they show weakness.
Generally, ESEs can be bored and dissatisfied with their personal lives – even though they may be rich or tremendously successful. They have few close friends and if they’re married, they don’t have a lot of emotional honesty with their mates. Their relationships consist of a string of people who come and go…including family members. They often suffer from symptoms of high stress migraines, high blood pressure, etc.
Correcting super-high or excessive self-esteem is much more difficult than correcting low self-esteem. Reason: People don’t give up their superior positions unless they’re forced into it through personal crises.
Examples: A severe illness…a divorce…a child who becomes addicted to drugs.
CORRECTING EXCESSIVE SELF-ESTEEM
People who have excessive self-esteem (ESE) invite you to GO TO…go to “the blame and shame show”… arrogantly believing that “might makes right” or the golden rule reads, “S/HE who has the gold, rules!” ESEs feel little but act big, suffer from a massive insecurity complex, and have thick interpersonal hides.
Special trap: Because ESEs are so intimidating they rarely get helpful/accurate feedback. And they typically won’t work on overcoming their shortcomings on their own. Actions for ESEs to take:
Conduct an honest self-inventory about how satisfied you are with your life.
Try to determine why you’re afraid of weakness and vulnerability…and what crucial aspects are missing from your life.
Ask others for help. Hire a communications psychologist TODAY. Have colleagues and loved ones list your weaknesses and how they think you could improve. Reassure them that they won’t be punished for what they write…and keep your promise.
Join a group or organization where your status is unknown. This will give you an opportunity to follow instead of lead…and to obtain unbiased “dare to care” feedback.
Give more compliments than criticisms in a day. Stop angry blameful behavior that tears down others’ self-esteem.
Listen without blaming when people confront you. Try to solve the problem together instead of calling all the shots.
Make time to visit the house of worship of your choice.
The bottom line is that your self-esteem IS your confidence level, the energizing source of positive feelings and optimism toward your self and others. And your level of self-esteem is alterable, your pessimism or shyness can be changed, by using powerful new self-talk tools that pump you up and help others up the ladder of success at the same time.