No, by “I-Type Kids” I don’t mean children who are too self-involved or kids who are too self-indulged, because every healthy child is self-focused. It’s true, however, that I-type kids can look and sound MEAN, strong-willed, manipulative, mouthy, mean-spirited, the Queen of Hearts in Alice in Wonderland, obnoxious, stubborn, pushy, impolite, disrespectful of authority and just downright push-push-push pushing way TOO hard to get their way and while all the time at the same time NOT caring a lick about your hurt feelilngs.
Sometimes, in fact, I-types stomp on others’ feelings like an elephant tromping around in a cornfield made of fine spun and expensive glass. BUT that’s being SO narrow and negative of me, isn’t it? “The I-type child” is my shorthand for “the Instigator-type communicator who is a child,” and one who is either an introvert or an extrovert. This is the “typecasting” approach I’ve developed and use to the good of all in my TALK TO ME communication system.
How do you know if your child is an Instigator child or strong-willed kid who disobeys at the drop of a word? Actually, how WOULDN’T you know? With one of my clients, I constructed a “short list of PREFERRED TALK HABITS.” She’s a positive, single-parent professional mother who is successfully and effectively raising an eight-year-old daughter…also a total Instigator communicator.
These are the “preferred talk habits” or relationship communication strategies that Instigator (I-types) kids make the most hay using…
1. GREAT DEBATERS. I-type kids enjoy debating, arguing, back-and-forth disagreeing for the pleasure of the accomplishment.
2. GUILT TRIPPERS. I-type kids can slather on the guilt thick, and they can send you on a guilt trip with a full tank of gas before you have time to pack your suitcase.
3. STRONG-WILLED. I-type kids have a thick hide, are interpersonally insensitive sometimes, like to be a leader of the pack, know what they want and when it should be delivered. “I don’t know” is rarely heard unless part of a defense against being disciplined.
4. POWER/PROUD. I-type kids enjoy wielding power, negotiating, winning a point, putting mind over emotional matters. You will hear “BUT that’s not right.” Talking back to adults is as easy as tying shoelaces.
5. DOMINATE FAMILY MOOD. I-type kids are “NO experts” and will sound sassy, and often say: “NO, I won’t do IT!” Or, “Why should I HAVE TO do IT?!” “BUT that’s NOT fair!” is another favorite. The I-type child who can dominate the mood in any family can bowl others over like bowling-people pins without meaning to.
6. ENGINEERING LEADER. I-type kids like to know how things are engineered, like to pull things apart and put them together again, are natural-born leaders who are comfortable both taking charge and leading the charge!
7. LOVING INTELLIGENCE. I-type kids love the mind, love to harness the powers of the mind, and love to be loved. There’s nothing better than the warmth of an I-type kid and nothing worse than the wrath of an I-type kid who can skin you alive with their “sass.”
8. BRIEF PUNISHMENTS WORK WELL. I-type kids hate when a parent disciplines by taking away something or someone that the child really likes. Brief punishers work best, such as turning a movie off, restricting access to a pet, time spent in room alone, a money fine, pull away of paying attention, etc.
9. BARTERERS. I-type kids are the princes and princesses of “this-for-that” bartering. They expect to GET something in exchange for GIVING something. Begging and pleading happens when busted, “I won’t do IT again…I promise!” “I will change…PLEASE give me a second chance!”
10. LOOPHOLE LOOKERS. I-type kids look to slide through the loopholes to avoid discipline that you allow, such as, “BUT I don’t do it ALL the time!” Or, “BUT I never meant to!” Or, “BUT you don’t do IT so why should I have to do IT!!” If you feel like your arm is being twisted behind you…IT is.
GOT GUILT?
SO these are some common traits in the wonderful world of “Instigator-type (I-type) communicators who are kids…or kids at heart…and their “natural worldview” or frame of reference on life. And there IS a little to worry about IF your child has a “strong personality”…one who uses these “preferred talk habits.” Got guilt? Nah…no one is bad…BUT you can bring out the strengths of your child’s communicator style and soften the weaknesses to help your child achieve his/her maximum potentials as an adult.
HARNESS THE POWER OF YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE
Our I-type kids will help change our world if we parents help them learn how to harness the power of their communicator type…and stay relaxed when their feelings are aroused and they’re not getting what they want.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a licensed clinical psychologist and interpersonal communications expert who is the developer of the TALK TO ME communications program to improve people skills at work, home, with friends and at school. Dennis’ communications strategies will help you parent your children more effectively by knowing the communicator type your child, who you are dealing with and how to talk with them so everyone wins. This just goes to show the one size parenting shoe does not fit every child. To raise healthy and assertive children without squashing them like a bug on the windshield of life…do everyone a favor and learn new communication tools that will reinforce a child’s strengths…and correct their weaknesses.