If you’ve ever been the target of someone else’s guilt, you know the feeling all too well. You feel attacked, defensive and stuck…and defending your way out of the situation often just makes things worse.
Why not use a powerful communication tool I’ve developed, called “asking directive questions,” so that you can be a more effective communicator, instead?! By using “assertive communication comebacks”…you will pull the fuse out of guilt bombs dropped on ya, baby…and be more response-able. No longer will you be made to feel like stale gum stuck on the bottom of a cheap shoe!
Positive communicators ask loads of “directive questions” to open up lines of closed communication. This communication “move” creates a “dialogue” instead of a closed loop “monologue” that makes you mad as a perturbed hornet. In fact, these assertive questions prove you aren’t intimated easily or backed off by guilt bombers who are prone to splenetic (bad-tempered, spiteful) displays of negative communication. Instead of repeatedly playing the same old scratchy record of hate that puts you behind in the communication race…you seek to go in a new direction on the two-way communication highway.
SO WHAT’S YOUR POINT?
“SO what’s your POINT?” is one “effective communication move” to get unstuck from the gummy black tar, gunk and gooey guilt that a goofball tries to stick to the side of your bright and shiny communicator car.
Others include: “Do you mean I’m not listening OR that I’m not agreeing with you?” and “Are you trying to make me feel guilty and stop telling you what I really think and feel?” The purpose of effective communication moves or “comeback questions” is to defuse guilt bombs and encourage emotional disclosure and honesty.
“SO what’s your point?” gives yourself time to breathe and think so that you are more respect-able. If another guilt grenade is tossed into your talk car, you can use still another “directive question” to take the conversation even deeper. And remember: this strategy works best IF you can “HEAR BUT DISAGREE” with the “frame of reference” of the guilt bomber who seeks to control your mind.
YOU DROPPED THE BOMB ON ME, BABY
Remember the song: “You dropped the bomb on me, baby!” When you’re asked to go on a guilt trip, WHY mindlessly pack your luggage and head for the door marked “down and out”? Following are some common guilt trip transactions and uncommon questions that you can direct back to the GUILT TRIPPER IN YOUR LIFE to get a grip:
1. (-) Guilt Bomb: You’re not listening.
(+) Directive Question: Do you mean I’m not listening or I’m not agreeing with you?
2. (-) Guilt Bomb: You’re over-reacting.
(+) Directive Question: What kind of reaction would you approve of?
3. (-) Guilt Bomb: Just get past it.
(+) Directive Question: What are you doing differently to help that?
4. (-) Guilt Bomb: You don’t care.
(+) Directive Question: What would you have me say to make you feel cared for?
5. (-) Guilt Bomb: Why do you have to be so negative?
(+) Directive Question: How would you like this talk to go?
6. (-) Guilt Bomb: You think I’m stupid!
(+) Directive Question: What makes you think you’re acting dumb?
7. (-) Guilt Bomb: You’re just trying to control me.
(+) Directive Question: What about my being in charge worries you?
8. (-) Guilt Bomb: How do you think that makes me feel?
(+) Directive Question: Does it make you feel anxious or angry?
9. (-) Guilt Bomb: How would you feel if I did that to you?
(+) Directive Question: Why would you do to me what you say you dislike being done to you?
10. (-) Guilt Bomb: Take some responsibility here. I can’t make you feel bad by what I say or do.
(+) Directive Question: What makes you think you can’t hurt me by what you say or do?
11. (-) Guilt Bomb: You selfishly only think of yourself.
(+) Directive Question: How would you suggest I think?
12. (-) Guilt Bomb: You have roller coaster moods.
(+) Directive Question: Do you think my moods are linked to what you say or do?
13. (-) Guilt Bomb: Are you mad at me?
(+) Directive Question: Do you think I’m bad if I’m mad at you? That something’s wrong with me if I’m mad at you?
14. (-) Guilt Bomb: You’ve got IT all wrong again.
(+) Directive Question: Do you think something’s wrong with me if I don’t see IT your way?
15. (-) Guilt Bomb: I can’t do anything to make you happy.
(+) Directive Question: What keeps you from doing what makes me happy?
16. (-) Guilt Bomb: You should’ve known better by now.
(+) Directive Question: Would you like me to read your mind?
17. (-) Guilt Bomb: You’re just trying to guilt me.
(+) Directive Question: Why do you carry around guilt baggage in our relationship?
18. (-) Guilt Bomb: After all I’ve done for you…this is how you thank me?
(+) Directive Question: What do you feel I owe you?
19. (-) Guilt Bomb: I’ve really been trying hard and you’re still riding me.
(+) Directive Question: What efforts to change are you making that I don’t see?
20. (-) Guilt Bomb: You’re treating me like a child.
(+) Directive Question: Why do you want me to act like a parent to you?
21. (-) Guilt Bomb: This is exactly why I don’t tell you everything.
(+) Directive Question: What makes it so hard to tell me the truth?
22. (-) Guilt Bomb: I don’t want to say something that will hurt your feelings.
(+) Directive Question: Are you thinking that I will punish you or give you a payback if you say what’s true for you?
23. (-) Guilt Bomb: There you go spending too much money again.
(+) Directive Question: Why isn’t it O.K. to spend money as I wish?
24. (-) Guilt Bomb: It’s just not fair.
(+) Directive Question: What would be more equal or fair for both of us?
25. (-) Guilt Bomb: If you’re going to accuse me, I might as well do it too.
(+) Directive Question: Do you think I expect too much maturity from you?
26. (-) Guilt Bomb: You may be a saint but I’m not.
(+) Directive Question: Am I robbing you of the joy you need to feel?
Guilt works in a twisted way. Those who should feel guilty often don’t give the possibility a second thought, and those who have nothing whatsoever to feel guilty about often get stuck in a tar baby of guilt.
THE TAR BABY OF GUILT
Remember the Uncle Remus childhood fable of the Briar Rabbit, the Fox and Tar Baby? The madder Rabbit became at the tar baby for not respecting him…and the harder Rabbit hit and kicked the tar baby…the ‘stucker’ the rabbit became in the trap, while Fox laughed in hiding, licking his chops. In the same way, inter-relational guilt closes down the talk road, which in turn causes an “anger attack” or “relationship road rage” to occur between partners. Eventually, both feel silenced and alienated.
In fact, all of the above “directive questions” are meant to “speak up” to the “guilt and shaming” talk transactions that a “guilt bomber” uses. “Guilt bombers typically try to force you to “shut up” or “shut down,” an approach that invites you to be a submissive and compliant “good boy or girl.” Not very nice or civil, you controlling parent-like partner!
Negative self-talks add power to guilt bombs. When you feel guilty, you will tell yourself all sorts of mean accusations about your otherwise stellar character. It’s like throwing buckets of red and black paint all over a brand new white Cadillac.
Remind yourself of the song: “You dropped the bomb on me, baby!” when you are in the middle of your next “guilt attack.” You don’t have to get mad and strike out at the “tar baby of guilt” and get stuck in the gooey gunk of unhealthy resentments. SO do a little something to make a difference in your life today. When you’re asked to go on a guilt trip, don’t automatically pack your luggage and head for the door marked “down and out.” Change the questioning…and put the guilt right back where it belongs!
As a communications psychologist, Dr. Dennis O’Grady felt guilty that he couldn’t cover the interpersonal power plays of guilt bombers more thoroughly in his newly released book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. “So what’s THE point?” Well, that’s a great “directive question.” IT would have made a very long book and Dr. O’Grady is an avowed advocate of “traveling lightly down the two-way communicator highway.” “Traveling lightly” means you and I don’t drag around suitcases of earned OR misplaced (unearned) guilt that makes us feel like “stale gum stuck on the bottom of a cheap shoe.” Guilt trips aside, narrowly driving down a one-way communicator highway into oblivion is a drag on us all. Read in USA Today why frequent business travelers pack guilt and the stresses these road warriors deal with and the toll it takes.