How do you get men to talk openly to you in a marriage? How do you get any partner to warm up to hot talk?
As “the communications guru” when it comes to good communication, I know some smooth moves to encourage men to talk and open up vs. shut down or shut up. Saying “We’ve got to talk!” shuts men down faster that a teen-age rabbit on Starbucks. Or even more rude and crude, “Dear, we’ve got to talk NOW!” (You tell me I’ve gotta do something, like talk to you at the snap of your fingers, and I will go off and do the opposite just to prove that I’m a free agent.)
A FOUR-LETTER WORD GUYS LOVE…TALK
Guys are great communicators, and we love to talk up a storm. (Stop snickering, sweetheart!) We know that our partners just love to listen to us open-mindedly, non-judgmentally and without picking at our flaws until we guys feel raw and bleed. Who’s responsible for “making men talk?” Well, both partners are 50% co-responsible for making good talks happen, aren’t we?!
After all, guys are quite fond of MANY four-letter words that end in “K”…like TALK. And we know that everyone enjoys good talking…all night long IF. IF guys are slowly put in the mood for emotional connection, contact and intimacy.
Ladies, here’s how to make a guy get psychologically naked with you NOW. ..and want to do it again and again and again. (Hey guys, listen up! I’m going to tell the ladies that they ought to get all naked so we can really talk. Let’s call this “doing the naked talk…talking openly about anything!”) After all, ladies, you know that your guy really, really wants to please YOU above anything else. You do know this, true?
SO LET’S GET PSYCHOLOGICALLY NAKED…LADIES AND GENTLEMEN…AND TALK FOR A CHANGE
Wife says to lucky husband: “I realize that you WILL do anything for me, and that you believe that anywhere, anytime, is a good time to talk to me.”
Husband thinks fast: (Oh, shoot, she’s been hitting the sauce again or drinking too much java. No worries, though, because maybe I’ll get lucky tonight.)
Husband analyzes this some more and says: Well, yeah, sure sweetheart. I’d do about anything for you, you know that. BUT tell me exactly a little bit more what you’re specifically referring to when you say that I’d do anything for you. Exactly, what, did you have in mind…specifically?
Positive wife says to suspicious husband: Oh, I didn’t mean anything by it, really, I swear. Nope, nothing at all. I just think you’re a terrific communicator, that’s all. I hear all those horror stories about how terrible men are at the simple act of communication…how most guys are cold and frigid…and well, why I just thank my lucky stars for you. You care so much about me, and my happiness. Don’t you?
Husband thinks even faster now and smoke begins to come out of his ears: (Oh snap, she’s gone out and bought something that’s really, REALLY expensive without consulting me. How do I handle this one? How do I get her to take it back, whatever IT is that she’s gone out and bought on a whim or impulse, without getting into a big ruckus or noisy racket that will end up with me getting the cold shoulder in bed when I want to romp?)
Husband strategically says: Well honey, you’re a great communicator, too. Personally, I don’t know any guys who get complimented by their wife for being good in the talkroom and able to carry on a decent conversation around the communicator table, too. Also, I sure am glad I don’t always have to agree with you. You don’t make me do anything against my will or make me perform “guilt talk.” I’m glad we can disagree without hammering each other over the head with the blunt instrument of our viewpoint. You don’t badger me, or make unilateral decisions without consulting me. Right? Right on! Am I right, or what?
Confident wife responds instead of reacts: Of course you’re right…you’re always right. In fact, you’re absolutely right, almost always never wrong. You would never put me off by saying, “Why would you say something like that!” Or, “Why did you go and do such a stupid thing!” I know you don’t ever believe there’s something flawed about me…what I’m feeling…what I’ve independently decided to do. In fact, I don’t have to be perfect to be loved by you because you love me just the way I am. Am I telling IT like it is between us in our positive relationship, or what?
Increasingly bewildered husband scratches his head as if he lice-infested and self-talks VERY rapidly: (Well, this is even worse than I thought. She’s not tipsy or high on caffeine. She’s not overspent our budget…she’s gone out and had an affair! Geez!! There’s no way she would be THIS NICE to me unless she’s trying to hide something or get me to do something I don’t want to do…ya know, trying to control me. Who’s she playing around with? Fred or Frieda next door? This is ridiculous. The only other possible scenario is that she’s been reading that dumb book again by Dr. O’Grady called, oh what is that stupid title…”You’ve Got To Talk To Me or I’ll Make Your Life Absolutely Miserable Until You Beg Me For Mercy Which I Won’t Give.” Well, it’s something like that. Now I’ve got to go easy and act totally unphased now.)
Cautiously husband proceeds through the four-way stop sign: “Um, I don’t know what to say except, “Tell me more about why you say that!”
Wife in a chipper mood continues: O.K., you respect me and love me deeply. I know when we don’t get along that that really bothers you…even makes you feel like a whopping failure the size of Arkansas. BUT you don’t fail me or disappoint me like that. Sure we miss the communication mark sometimes, but it’s not for lack of trying or caring. You are always optimistically trying to ENCOURAGE vs. DISCOURAGE good talking. When I tell you that I feel “awful” you remind me that I’m “awfully good” and even “awesome.” Because you are SO important to me, you have the power to bring my mood up or make my mood come crashing down to the ground. I know that doesn’t sound very independent, but emotionally I feel very closely tied to you, so I don’t mind being really open and vulnerable with you. Life’s sort of like a sack race, isn’t it? Each of us has one leg in the gunny sack as we race along and laugh across the course and collapse in a satisfied heap when we cross the finish line.
Husband anxiously chimes in: I’m not sure I get the sack cloth metaphor here…
Wife overtalks her husband: Moreover, I know that you will walk to the end of this planet (and back) to please me. And I know that you know that I can make your life completely miserable by what I say and do or don’t say and don’t do and oh, how you don’t ever forget that fact or try and take advantage of my good nature, right?
Husband is starting to get warmed up and getting in the mood to talk now: What are you saying, what do you mean? I suppose both of us are saying to “just give talk a chance”…and to gladly tell “the naked truth”…to self-disclose what we’re really feeling…to “scream for joy and let it all out!” Yeah, I’m happy that we can be open about what we really think or feel without sugar coating or putting each other down. Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa…but we are good lovers of sizzling talk!
Wife purrfectly purrs: You’re the best, Tiger. I love it when you talk to me that way. Ya’ get me all worked up. Now where were we? Are you ready? I don’t want you to feel pressured. So, we don’t have to talk…and that’s NOT to say we can’t have a quick talk because “We’ve got to talk all night long!” BUT do you wanna do it for a little while right now while the kids are asleep?
Wife turns on the passion: Moreover, you know that I will hold you close after we talk and not just walk away, treating you like some talk object. You turn me on so when we talk! No, you can count on me to treat you respectfully! I want you to feel happy and satisfied and to fullfill all of your fantasies.
Husband impassioned: Yeah, I believe in the naked truth, too. Total emotional honesty. To self-disclose what we’re really feeling without blaming or shaming each other in ways that shut us up from telling a truth we don’t want to hear but need to hear and use.
Wife/Husband: I’M SO glad we can be open about what we really think or feel without playing mind games and blaming each other and frustrating each other and avoiding meeting needs. Let’s get busy! Hey, now, no one said talk is all-ways easy…it takes some chutzpa! I LOVE DOING IT (TALKING) WITH YOU!!
(Curtain closes)
GUYS ARE GOOD AT NAKED TALKING…WHICH MEANS?
SO the goal of the good couple talk or effective marital communication is to have a good, two-way talk romp that is satisfying to both talk partners. Talk that is open, honest, tell-all-hide-nothing truce, emotionally genuine, mature and non-blaming, vulnerabilities are safely aired, trust in the truth is high, put downs are rare, both parties learn something new about self and other and continue growing and changing…and everyone feels pretty good afterwards.
An effective couple knows “IF you don’t have anything nice to say…It’s best to say anything honest that move talks forward!” Good talking releases tensions in couples, and saves them a visit to the divorce courtroom time and time again.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist that believes a great deal of defensive non-talking is a lack of commitment to The Relationship Rules of Positive Talking that couples thrive on when used. These “talk rules of engagement” reduce the chances that you or your partner will be curt, defensive, avoiding, silent, disrespectful, blaming, blow you off splitting the two of you apart, withholding, lying and distorting, avoiding commiting to good talking, fearful, sullen, a poutercrat, counter-defensively angry, name calling, distracting, off putting, resentful, shut down, walled off, driven up a wall, up a creek without a paddle, retreat to a dank cave, walk on a tightrope with fire on one side and ice on the other, in a tizzy, whew!! and all that other relationship jazz that has as its core purpose the disguising of emotions instead of disclosing them openly to a trusted partner. Dennis’ book on useful communication strategies is called TALK TO ME. (The title isn’t YOU HAVE TO TALK TO ME…OR ELSE.) He believes that good talk is an act of social intercourse that works best when men are put in the mood to talk, and using “talk foreplay” to slowly build up to the main act that should be a satisfying interplay to both parties.