When you’re talking to someone who’s gifted at the art of talking, have you ever had the sinking feeling that you are losing the point and the talk game because of offensive “head-spinning” moves? You’re not alone. Slippery speakers are propaganda experts and terror-ific debaters who can win a point at the expense of a relationship…and leave your very sensible “just say yes or no” questions hanging in mid-air…along with your open, gaping mouth.
FOGGING UP THE WINDSHIELD OF GOOD TALK
These are verbal transactions that “fog up the windshield of good talk.” They make your head spin and forget where you were in an important conversation. And I call this behavior the offensively defensive NegaTalker “head spinning” of an effective but unproductive communicator.
HEAD SPINNING…YOU, TOO, CAN SELL SNOW TO ESKIMOS
“Head spinning” is the feeling that you get when your main points or logical questions, the ones that deserve forthright answers, are skirted in a conversation. “Head spinning” makes you feel like just giving up on talking because you’ve got to try too hard to get behind in the communications race.
Here are sample “HEAD SPINNING” transactions that I heard today in my couple communications coaching meetings.
- It’s just the way it is.
- I’m not sure I’m any different from anyone else in the world!
- Oh, really…I say that ALL the time?
- A lot of people I know do IT a whole lot more than I do!
- So you think that’s what I mean by that?
- We don’t agree…that’s O.K.
- I’m just an average guy or gal.
- You’re making way too much out of this. It’s no big deal!
- Hey, we all made that decision.
- But if you would take time to compare me…IT would be obvious THAT…!
- I’m just trying to understand right now, that’s all.
- I don’t act like THEM.
- There you go again!
- You don’t know what you’re talking about!
- Want me to say something here? I’m afraid to.
- It’ll sound like I’m arguing or being combative BUT is that my fault?
- I’m not perfect…I never will be perfect!
- I’m TRYING to do better…you’ve got to agree with me that I’m improving.
- Isn’t it ANY better, in your opinion?
- BUT what I’m saying is you’re better at IT than me, don’t you agree?
- I agree with you.
- I’m not trying to slam your confidence or destroy your self-esteem.
- What do I think about WHAT? What now?!
- That makes me feel terrible and guilty…I’m not looking to blame anyone.
- Even though my actions say I don’t want you…I DO want you!
- You’re saying I don’t have a right to be mad?
- The truth is…
- I want you to tell me what you don’t like or what makes you feel dissatisfied.
- You try to be nice BUT you’re constantly telling me what I do wrong.
- IT goes back to what I was saying before…
- When I ask you to do something simple…instantly you get an attitude!
- Why do you always have to be so moody and down?
- I didn’t mean to leave IT all on your shoulders!
- I didn’t mean to…
- I didn’t mean to make you upset.
- I didn’t mean anything by IT.
- I wasn’t telling you what to do or dictating.
- What exactly are you referring to now?
- You’ve got to give me an example.
- Why can’t you just get past the past?
- I’m always doing something wrong, according to you.
- Here you go again!
- There you go again complaining about the same thing.
- When you say “everything”…you can’t expect me to get “everything” done!
- Is THAT all wrong? You make it sound all wrong!
- That’s WHY I just shut up and don’t talk.
- You make it sound like I’m trying to argue with you.
- I don’t do IT THAT often!
- No, I don’t…that’s not what I do…that’s not true…that’s not how I feel!
- You know exactly what I mean…don’t play stupid.
- I don’t feel that way for the 100th time!
- What was I supposed to do?
- I’m confused now.
- Do you really feel that way about it…or are you just trying to make me feel bad.
- 97% of the time I did it fine…you’re just focusing on the negative.
- O.K. Whatever you say!
- I’m not trying to do that!
- IT would be nice IF you respected me.
- I’m tryin’ to do that…why do you ride me and rip into my hide?
- You don’t make me feel very good about any of this!
- You’re telling me how IT is.
- I don’t do IT all the time.
- I don’t know anybody who’s like you think they ought to be.
- That’s all I want, for your sake.
- That’s the way IT is…what can I say?
- Nobody can be that perfect!
- IF I change IT won’t change a thing!
- You act like I don’t care!
- Things are going to be different from here on out.
- I don’t want to lock horns with you!
- You make me sound like everybody else…a loser.
- IT sounds like I need to agree with you or I won’t hear the end of this.
- I’m not doing anything to you.
- I don’t have the power to make you feel bad…that’s your responsibility.
- I can’t make you feel better…you like to feel bad and be unhappy.
- We’ve gone over this all before!
- No I don’t have to do things your way…you’re not my mother or father.
- Look, I’m better today than I was a year ago? Isn’t that true?
- Wait a minute…it sounds like I should shut up and do whatever you want.
- Are we done with this talk, yet?
- What’s so wrong about that…may I ask?
HEAD SPINNING SPITBACKS
Remember, these are “spitbacks” or “twisted thinking” that confuse clear talking and narrow change-mindedness. “Head spinning” essentially tells you to bug off in a nice way after you’ve gone “splat” like a flattened insect on the windshield of the aggressive talk driver.
TERROR-IFIC: YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT BEING RIGHT
The biggest wrong I can think of is never being wrong. If you aren’t wrong, you can’t identify a problem, and then you can’t affect the solution. Always being right is the biggest wrong that you can perpetuate in any relationship.
THE BIGGEST WRONG I CAN THINK OF IS NEVER BEING WRONG
Well, you get the idea since you’ve zipped down the previous list. Not much effective talking is going to get done. Most of the transactions imply that the co-communicator is in the wrong, unreasonable, illogical, fanatical, nit-picking and controlling. Did s/he have their important “yes or no” questions answered in a responsible way? No, probably not.
Listen for “head spinning” terror-ific communication blockades the next time you are traveling all night long on the talk highway…and feeling lost.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me,” a communication handbook that will teach you how to assertively communicate with defensive communicators who aren’t answering your direct questions that clarify issues and require change. Dennis provides assertive coaching, relationship improvement counseling and professional leadership development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. In this inspiring new relationship enhancement, executive coaching and leadership training communication program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators that support you in becoming the leader of your life.