Rejection is a sharp blow to the gut that leaves you reeling and feeling that you’re not worth much. Alarmingly, “psychocritiquers” specialize in making you feel guilty for your relationship talents, and claim that you are TOO sensitive while they surgically shred your self-esteem into tiny pieces. When you desperately need the love and approval of disapproving or insensitive people, you will lose any debate that you are a “good man or woman” who deserves to be loved and liked just as you.
YOU’RE BEING TOO SENSITIVE?
What type of “You’re just being TOO…!” criticism have you been lashed with lately? For example, “You’re TOO sensitive!” or “You’re TOO selfish and only think about yourself!” When the guilt bomb is dropped on ya’ baby, do you just stand there and take it? When you argue with a controlling criticizer or NegaTalker, you lose the respect of yourself and the speaker.
YOU ALONE ARE THE FINAL JUDGE OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT RIGHT STUFF YOUR CHARACTER IS MADE OF?
Why are you supposed to carry the guilt bags of a guilter as if you are their servant? After all, you alone are the final judge of who you are and what right stuff your character is made of.
REJECTING, REJECTING ZINGERS
Although rejection is always a two-way street, a crazy driver coming dead-on at your car at breakneck speed isn’t your fault.
You can disconnect from failure feelings by using this four-step, positive self-talk communication tool. Here’s how the self-talk technique works:
1. HEAR THE CRITICISM
Listen: Make sure you know exactly what you’re being accused of.
The Tool: Listen for the ending KEY word in “You are TOO…” statements.
EXAMPLE: “You’re just being TOO SENSITIVE.”
2. REVERSE THE REJECTION BY FLIPPING IT AROUND INTO THE POSITIVE STRENGTH.
Use Reverse Psychology: Think of the criticism as a signpost on the road of life that points in the direction of relationship talents and personal strengths that you may take for granted.
The Tool: Ask yourself, “What is the opposite positive side of the negative trait of…?”
EXAMPLE: You are being criticized that, “You are just TOO SENSITIVE.” Use reverse psychology to uncover your opposite strength, “What is the upside or the opposite positive side of being too sensitive?” The positive side of the trait coin: “The positive side of being too sensitive is enjoying EMPATHY.”
3. ASSUME YOUR CRITICIZER REJECTS OR SHAMES THE SAME STRENGTH IN HIS/HER OWN LIFE.
The Shame and Blame Game: Strong feelings are often shamed and blame-placed when talks heat up. So think of your talent or personal strength that is being critiqued, as something that your criticizer needs but refused to access due to parental programming.
The Tool: Ask yourself, “Is it true that my rejecter is shaming the feeling, and discounting the very same strength in themselves?”
EXAMPLE: “S/he is rejecting me for being TOO SENSITIVE. Is it true that he or she need to feel more empathy and sensitivity toward others but are simply too frightened to?”
4. PREDICT WHAT TREATMENT YOU MIGHT RECEIVE FROM THE CRITICIZER IN THE FUTURE.
The Future Painful Pattern: Expect a “distracting talks” pattern to develop where emotionally sensitive topics are avoided like the plague. Ironically, the finger of blame will be repeatedly pointed in the direction of your best talents and disowned strengths. Thus, you will be repeatedly criticized for strengths that you hide — talents that are also missing and rarely demonstrated in the life of the criticizer.
The Tool: Ask yourself “How can a rejecter give me something they don’t have inside to give?” Then somehow, do your best to give the missing experience to yourself as you live your life and encounter others on the talk road.
EXAMPLE: “How can someone who lacks empathy show me empathy? Why do I expect respect for my feelings, when I don’t respect that my feelings are moods that come and go? If I want to be treated with sensitivity, I had better start treating myself more caringly and empathetically for a change.”
IF YOU DON’T LOVE YOURSELF…CRITICISMS CRAM YOUR TALENTS INTO A JAR OF LONELINESS
If you don’t love yourself, how do you expect to ever be loved ENOUGH? If you don’t like yourself, why should anyone else bother to? Criticisms cram your talents into a jar and make you feel squeezed into a jar of loneliness. Love and hate are mashed and fused together by “psychocritiquers” who gain power by convincing you that their opinions about you matter more than what you think.
Anger is not used in caring or compassionate ways in this society. “I’m only trying to help you!” or “I hate to have to be the one to tell you this BUT…!” are polite commentaries that are dripping with the poison-tipped barbs of the blame and shame game. Unnecessary and inaccurate personal rejections and insults result.
What “negative” traits are you criticized for having? You can learn to turn rejections inside-out to lay claim to the gold mine of your secret secrets and hidden relationship talents that you sometimes take for granted.
WHY ALLOW ANYONE TO HARPOON YOUR SELF-ESTEEM?
You can pull out the harpoons that a “psychocritiquer” or guilt bomber sticks in the flesh of your self-esteem. You be the final judge of the kind of person you are. If you don’t like or love yourself, you will always be vulnerable to the approval and disapproval ratings of others who are seeking to control your mind and life.
Fear of criticism or of being disliked, is a fear-driven reactionary position that shreds your self-esteem with your consent. Stop going along with others who bring you down, and stop being a self-cutter who hates yourself when others refuse to love you.
ABOUT KEYNOTE SPEAKER, RELATIONSHIP COACH AND CHANGE SEMINAR LEADER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady’s seven-hour audio program “NO HARD FEELINGS: Managing Anger and Conflict in Your Work, Family and Love Life,” shows how you can get past personal rejections and heal relationship resentments using positive and effective communication tools. O’Grady’s CommTools articles on “Guilt Bombs” and “12 Self-Esteem Rights” make fine accompanying reading. When you’re hit in the gut with rejecting and inaccurate punches, stop slighting and start boosting your self-esteem by using the “Talk to Me” communication system. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is available at his Dr. O’Grady’s site or at Amazon now.