When was the last time a talker repeatedly cut you off in mid-sentence to make a point again and again…and ended up losing points with you instead? Communication shut-downs and relationship meltdowns are routinely caused by interruptions. Pushing a communicator away in mid-sentence, before the person has a chance to finish their thought and feel relaxed, is something I refer to jokingly as “communication interruptus.”
INTERRUPTING TALK
Interrupters disrupt effective and open communication. By talking out of turn, interrupters cause unnecessary friction and irritation. Moreover, interrupters don’t summarize the topic at hand so that communication can continue to move freely down the talk road. Likewise, some people try to disrupt or interrupt a conversation by talking louder and louder in hopes of drowning out their partner, which is akin to crunching too loudly while chewing; it gets quite irritating quite fast.
12 STUPID THINGS THAT STIFLE AND KILL COMMUNICATION
Interrupters disrupt the flow and rhythm of natural talk. Some of my personal pet peeves, (and how I talk back to myself) when “interrupters” try to block open communication are:
1. We’ve GOT to talk.
Why should “talk” be a four-letter word that makes the strongest among us shut down and feel inhibited? “We need to talk!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “I will block you out by talking critically about your weaknesses until the cows come home.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I shut off or shout when you cut me off?”
2. You’re not hearing me.
What did you hear me say that you’re responding to so dogmatically? “You’re not listening to me!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “You should feel guilty because you don’t agree with me or pay attention to me.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I fake it when I honestly disagree?”
3. If I were you, I’d…
What do you believe you would be lucky to be if you were me? “If I were you, I’d…” disrupts productive talking by implying: “I am better than you are, which makes me the final judge of whether you are good/bad or right/wrong.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I get all upset by your insecurity complex?”
4. You don’t get it.
What exactly are you saying that I’m not getting? “You don’t get it!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “You must agree with me or you’re stupid.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I close down just because you aren’t being open?”
5. O.K. Let me tell you something…
If you give me your rusty advice, must I walk away from the gold mine of my own advice? “O.K. Let me tell you something!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “When you act and speak like a child, I will be patient and lecture you about how to tow the line better.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I take your rusty advice when I don’t take my own gold advice?”
6. You don’t understand.
Hey, what exactly do you think I’m not understanding about what you’re trying to say to me? “You don’t understand!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “Shame…shame…shame on you if you don’t stop feeling what you do.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I allow my mood to be controlled by anyone else but me?”
7. This has never happened before.
Whoa, what makes you think that I make or take excuses that diverts opening up new avenues of change? “This has never happened before!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “Whenever something goes wrong, I will make doubly sure to place the blame on your shoulders.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I blame anyone for their lack of awareness?”
8. It wasn’t my fault.
Are we trying to affix blame, like who is bad or good/right or wrong, or are we trying to fix what’s broken? “It wasn’t my fault!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “I’m not able to handle your negative feedback, so back off.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I be attracted to affixing blame instead of fixing what’s broken?”
9. Are you mad at me?
Do you believe that healthy anger solves problems or causes problems? “Are you mad at me!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “You’re bad when you feel mad, so don’t be mad at me.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I let my fear of anger or conflict shame me into withdrawing or going away?”
10. Now hold on for just a minute.
Do you think you can make me snap back like a smart aleck in frustration? “Now, hold on for just a minute!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “Don’t you dare be honest and genuine with me because I don’t want to hear how you really feel!”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I let “a failure to communicate” make me feel less important than I know I am?”
11. You’ve got to take some responsibility here.
Are we both going to be accountable for the quality of our talk time together? “You’ve got to take some responsibility here!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “Since you have a majority shareholder of the responsibility, don’t expect me to help you carry the weight of this problem on my shoulders.
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I pretend that I’m not 50% co-responsible for any communication breakdown?”
12. Now, don’t you agree with me?
If I don’t agree with you, will you label me as a negative communicator? “Now, don’t you agree with me!” disrupts productive talking by implying: “I don’t believe there is such a thing as healthy disagreement where win-win compromises can be forged instead of forced.”
Positive Self-Talk Time: “Why should I dispute how you feel when I don’t openly disclose my own feelings?”
A DISCONNECT: DO YOU SHUT DOWN OR OPEN UP COMMUNICATION?
Let’s string together all interrupters’ distracting transactions now: “We’ve got to talk…You’re not hearing me…If I were you I’d…You don’t get it…O.K. Let me tell you something…You don’t understand…This has never happened before…It wasn’t my fault…Are you mad at me? …Now hold on for just a minute…You’ve got to take some responsibility here…Now don’t you agree with me?!”
Do you shut down communication or open up communication? “Communication interruptus” causes irritation, frustration and an emotional “disconnection” to occur in your most prized work and romantic relationships.
PRODUCTIVE COMMUNICATION EFFECTIVELY REDUCES FRUSTRATIONS
Productive communication effectively reduces frustrations.
Don’t allow “communication interruptus” to bring all the talk action to a screeching halt via an annoying disconnection. Make the four-letter word “talk” stand for something enjoyable, productive and positive from now on.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the developer of the communication system TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. He offers solutions to distracting talk habits that frustrate positive people who seek to be effective communicators.