I’ve heard it all…about how a family feud or couple fight was started by the other guy or gal. So why are you and yours even fussin’…fightin’…arguin’… yellin’…cryin’…stompin’…shoutin’? The most common excuse for this type of talk excess is: “BECAUSE THEY started IT…IT wasn’t my fault…BUT I’M NOT going to take it lying down, either!” What a bunch of crazymaking guilt trippin’ excuses to go off on someone nice like you.
PSYCHOBABBLING EXCUSES
There’s never a shortage of excuses for taking anger out in ways that make the speaker feel good and the listener feel like soiled newspaper. These are just a few of the nice-sounding reasons for getting down-and-nasty: “I’m gonna’ rip them a new one like they did me…It’s time to fight instead of roll over…It’s all about settling an old score…If I don’t stick up for myself, no one will…I’ve gotta’ tell them what’s REALLY been on my mind…Somebody’s got to stop lettin’ them get away with all their crap!”
Well, you get the idea…do you know someone who ethically excuses verbal bashing you to make you feel bad with all sorts of “talk excuses?” Who doesn’t, pilgrim.
IT’S NOT MY FAULT…YOU MADE ME DO IT
SO what excuses are used by “the never-wrong personality” to go off on you…or rip into someone you love and care for? These excuses are all aligned with the kind of thinking that says, “I’ll fight with you instead of change my mind or admit I’m wrong!” As such, they’re stark distractions from effective communication and problem solving.
When you hear these PSYCHOBABBLEXCUSES…beware…a spleen is about to be vented all over your face!
1. How many times do I have to tell you? This transaction excuses yelling at kids or bullying employees loud and long for something little. Example: “How many times do I have to tell you to chew your food before you swallow it?!”
2. BUT I don’t do IT ALL the time! This excuse misuses probability theory to get you to back off from confronting an unreasonable behavior but of low-frequency occurrence. Example: “But I don’t have sex without using protection ALL the time?”
3. I did it BECAUSE____. The word “because” becomes the reason for the action, no matter how irrational that “caused” action happens to be. Example: “I don’t talk to you because you don’t talk to me.”
4. I’ve got to tell you how I REALLY feel. This transaction permits the punisher to give you 50 lashes with a twisted leather whip of anger to make you morally think right. Example: “I’ve got to tell you how disapointed I am in your actions, and to let you know what an idiot I think you are.”
5. I’m just TRYING to help you understand. The word “trying” permits anything to be said or done in the name of “trying hard to help you get it through your thick skull and see it my way!” Example: “I’m just trying to help you face up to the painful truth that nobody will ever care for you as much as I do.”
6. You have a hard time owning up to the FACT! This nutty excuse lays an immature guilt trip of blame on your head or shoulders, supposedly as a mature way to encourage you to act more maturely. Example: “You have a hard time owning up to the fact that you’re a bad communicator, don’t you?”
7. I usually don’t reply to such INSULTS, but you have IT coming! This excuse permits insulting the insulter, in the name of fair play, and exempts the customary rules of civility or decency. Thus, a truckload of resentment rocks is dumped on your doorstep to make you change your wicked ways. Example: “I usually don’t reply to such insults but you have IT coming…you’re as worthless as zits on a teen.”
8. Why I just COULDN’T take it anymore. The word “couldn’t” becomes the opening bell or excuse for an “anything goes” talk slug fest with the gloves off. Example: “Why I just couldn’t take you disrespecting me anymore, so I keyed your car, and put nails under your car tires.”
9. I DON’T want to say this BUT I don’t know any other way to put it. This excuse permits saying things that should remain “taboo” or left unsaid for all time. Example: “I don’t want to say this but I don’t know any other way to put it…you’re a fat slob.”
10. HONESTLY, I had NO WAY of knowing. Using the word “honestly” means the person dislikes being honest with you in general, and isn’t being honest with you now. Example: “Honestly, I had no way of knowing that they’ve been stabbing you in the back at work.”
11. Why IT ALL happened so FAST. This excuse implies that so much happened that the speaker couldn’t respond honestly, caringly or show you fair respect or consideration. Example: “Why it all happened so fast I just don’t know what got into me at the New Year’s party.”
12. I was in a STATE of SHOCK. This excuse implies that a negative behavior of another is a surprise, when in fact, the negative behavior is typical of the person. Example: “I was in a state of shock, I just couldn’t believe that Uncle Harry got drunk again at Thanksgiving.”
13. I just REALLY don’t know why THEY____. This excuse implies the speaker doesn’t have to get to the bottom of a problem that is bothering him/her, and others. Example: “I just really don’t know why they get so upset about my getting to work late.”
14. Now don’t you AGREE? This excuse implies that you must not only listen, but you must also agree with the viewpoint of the speaker. Example: “We can’t get anywhere IF you don’t listen to me. Now don’t you agree that I’m right and you’re wrong?!”
KILLING YOU WITH KINDNESS?
Do you know someone close to you who allows verbal bashing of you with these kinds of talk excuses — excuses that sound nice but come out mean and make you feel drained and defensive? Of course, you and I don’t feel good whenever we’re hit in the head with a verbal hammer!
After all, as the old proverb goes, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.” I guess then that unfair couple fights really put us all in a pickle.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a clinical psychologist and communications coach from Dayton, Ohio, USA. His new communication theory of Empathizer (E-type) vs. Instigator (I-type) communicators is featured in his newly released book TALK TO ME. In Dr. O’Grady’s clinical studies, Empathizer communicators tend to absorb the zings of NegaTalkers, while Instigator communicators tend to shrug off rejections more easily.