Bad communication, is well, bad news. When panicky statements are made by your partner, ignoring them fuels the negative talks to greater heights. Arguing with a partner’s negativity begets mindless counter-arguments. Striking them down causes silence or striking back. So what to you do when words are thrown around your home or workplace like trash, or worse, like a live hand grenade?
Simply put, you take the talk trash to the curb and toss it out. Instead of engaging in intellectual debates, you go for the emotions in the stressful situation. You honestly state your fear, worry, anxiety, helplessness, lack of trust and safety.
CALMING THE WATERS OF A RELATIONSHIP PANIC ATTACK
One talking openly transaction can calm down angry communication waters effectively. The CommTool or transaction to say calmly in the face of an anger-panic attack person is: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
Here’s how to use it (then listen for a new response to respond to) when a RELATIONSHIP PANIC ATTACK is building up force:
1. Angry/anxious partner says: “I’m sick of all this…I want a divorce.”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
2. Angry/anxious partner says: “All you do is criticize me…I can’t ever do anything right for you.”CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
3. Angry/anxious partner says: “I’ve already told you nothing whatsoever is wrong…I wish you would get off my back!”CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
4. Angry/anxious partner says: “I can’t trust you and I refuse to talk to someone who’s acting like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde!”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
5. Angry/anxious partner says: “There you go again…always wanting things your way and I don’t have a say…why don’t you just go complain about me some more to your friends!”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
6. Angry/anxious partner says: “Why don’t you just admit it, nothing ever makes you happy. You just love to be dramatic and wallow in your own muck and slime!”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
7. Angry/anxious partner says: “I would fix this if I could but I can’t. All you want to do is fix or change me. I’m not some dog you dragged home or a fix-it project…leave me alone!”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
8. Angry/anxious partner says: “There’s no talking with you. I’ve told you that everything is FINE. Why can’t you just leave good enough alone!”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
9. Angry/anxious partner says: “It’s not my fault. I don’t have any complaints. You’re the one at fault here. You expect everything has to be perfect or you get a hair up your butt!”CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
10. Angry/anxious partner says: “You’re a broken record. All you say is ‘We’ve GOT to talk…We’ve GOT TO TALK NOW.’ You’re just a broken record of complaints and whiny-baby bullcrap!”
CommTool#9: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW.”
This tool is used when your partner may stomp off, yell or scream, drive recklessly, harangue you on the phone, snub you in public by walking in front of you, or act and say that everything is “O.K.” when everything is “not O.K.” at all.
THERE YOU GO AGAIN
In a two-way relationship, talking during tense or conflictual times is an art form. Good communication is often the art of not making things worse, while you talk non-defensively about how the relationship bridge has been blown apart to smithereens.
When a relationship-centered panic attack threatens to spill over into your personal world and peace of mind, say calmly: “I need you to know I’m feeling anxious…scared…not safe…RIGHT NOW!” This genuine and open transaction filled with caring and vulnerability, will invite your partner to calm down…think more clearly…and prime their mind for something new to happen on the relationship stage.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist who teaches trainees how to talk under fire, in ways that don’t pour gasoline on a burning resentment fire. His “directive questioning” and “assertive responding” approach that focuses on positive tools to eliminate negative arguing is highlighted in his new book TALK TO ME. Dennis is also a business consultant who runs “Leadership Talks” (and baloney walks!) and interpersonal communication programs.