How do you psychologically torture and “get to” someone you love or loathe at home or work? You can bet your trusty talking stick that you, too, can offend someone in nice ways without getting caught by using “psycho-torture” talk techniques. Torturing or upsetting someone is pretty easy to do if you intend it to be. Maybe that’s because the “hook” is that you can’t “fix people” who don’t want to be fixed.
DO YOU GET YOUR FEELINGS EASILY HURT?
If you are an Empathizer communicator (E-type), you can get your feelings SO “easily hurt”…due to something a “talk offender” or “difficult person” says or does that pricks your pride and pops your self-esteem balloon… if you allow IT to be so in an unthinking way. However, fearlessness in an interpersonal word requires you and me to see through the fact that many people are NOT simply “fishing for compliments”…they are “fishing for total control.” Now IF you’re reading this carefully, THEN probably you are an E-type who is pretty easy to manipulate. If so, anyone can make a “fish” out of you by casting you the talk bait, hooking you in the brain, and reeling you in using a line like a sucker.
THE ART OF PSYCHO-TORTURE IN EVERYDAY LIFE
Here’s how the interactive game (almost like dance steps) of communication-relational-psychological torture really works on you or me.
BAIT. The “psycho-torturer” casts the bait and provokes a listener. For example, “Why do you always have to be SO negative?”
HOOK. The defender takes the bait and “emotionally hooks” into the implied or stated criticisms. Then the “hook” is set by the psycho-torturer: “Why are you always SO sensitive and about everything…I was only joking?!”
DRAG. The defender/listener acts defensively AS IF the criticisms/accusations/psychocritiques are true…when in fact they’re largely false. The “psycho-torturer” spouts off: “Well, THEN WHY are you getting so agitated and upset if there’s no truth to anything I’m saying?”
FIGHT. The defender comes across too strong…talks too loudly or stomps off…while the offender feels amused. Psycho-torturer says: “I said I was sorry…so why can’t you just get over IT?”
FRUSTRATE. An empathetic person feels “bad” after the altercation…and loses self-confidence due to feeling angry…and feeling guilty for feeling anger.
That’s how you can get all irritated and bothered, all lathered up and frustrated or upset…emotionally distracted and distraught if you allow yourself to be fished around with. A psycho-torturer or talk offender then feels smugly in control and in charge because: “It wasn’t my fault…it was their fault, so they deserve to lose out!”
WHEN ON THE HOOK OF FRUSTRATION…LET GO OF FIXING PEOPLE
When you feel absolutely frustrated by your opposing communicator type…in this case you are an Empathizer-type communicator who is being out-talked by an Instigator-type communicator…try these mental tips to be genuine on for size my dear E-types:
1. “I’m SO sorry!” doesn’t fix a problem. An insincere apology is just that…insincere. Are you right, or what?
2. “I didn’t mean to!” doesn’t make people feel any better. An unintended action still causes enormous emotional harm. Are you right, or what?
3. “It wasn’t my fault!” is a victim plea hoping that a sucker is born every minute. Are you right, or what?
4. “It was an accident!” is the plea of irresponsibility and shrinking character. Are you right, or what?
5. “You made me feel SO bad!” is a guilt bomb that you can pull the fuse out of. Based on the premise that if your talk partner feels bad, you should feel guilty and change. Are you right, or what?
6. “Why can’t you just forget about it?” pushes you to forgive the unforgivable. Relationships involve two people, not one person…and hard feelings are sometimes hard to forget. Are you right, or what?
7. “I won’t do it again…I promise I won’t do it!” is pure fantasy and future conjecture that is more talk…talk…talk to make you think what I want you to. Are you right, or what?
8. “You did it to me, too!” doesn’t excuse get-even scorekeeping. Doesn’t the word “communication” mean two adults are involved, not just two squabbling children? Are you right, or what?
Yeah, even though you’re “right” much of the time, an Empathizer-defender may still get into trouble with onlookers (parents, work colleagues, friends) who view their response as being “too large or extreme” given the situation. Guess who set up making you look bad?
DON’T WORRY…BE HAPPY…FIX YOURSELF INSTEAD OF FIXING OTHER PEOPLE?
Take a look around you, my astute and tender-hearted, E-types. A negative I-type will snap, huff and puff, and puff up in anger when you hit a sore spot that you ought to remember the next time you’re “gone fishin’.” But take an even closer look. Quite soon after a heated debate or angry interaction with you, you will be long forgotten as the I-type moves on to the next fishing hole.
Shouldn’t you do the same? Maybe you can’t “fix people” who don’t want to be fixed…and who don’t believe anything needs to be fixed in the first place about how they carry on in “psychodrama” in their work and personal relationships. Just maybe, who knows, the only person we can fix is ourselves?! How are you fixed for happiness, lately? And are you the fish or the fisherman or fisherwoman? Listen to the “moves” your antagonist makes to get you to take the “hook” and put you on the line of feeling bad.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching and professional training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new communication program and leadership communication workshop, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Chances are the person you struggle with the most, and whom you think of as a “difficult person,” is in fact your opposite communicator who is comfortable with what you are uncomfortable with. In the case above, Empathizers feel uptight being “mean” while Instigators feel uptight when being “too nice.” You can “test your type” and receive a free communicator type feedback report by clicking on the link “What’s Your Communicator Type.” If you believe you are being “psychologically tortured” then it’s time to be the fisherman or fisherwoman of people…instead of the fish.