Standing your ground and talking non-defensively is critical when talks heat up and tempers and guilt bombs fly. Being “genuine” is no excuse to say really hurtful things to another person and thereby rob a relationship of peaceful co-existence. A note of caution: If a “psychocritiquer” is just venting a spleen on your face, then talks may need to be halted so mean words and mean-spirited accusations are similarly halted.
SHRUGGING OFF REJECTION
Here’s how practicing CommTool #13 helps you side-step implied social rejection or disapproving threats that shut down good communication:
1. “You’re too scared to talk to me.” Implied threat: If you don’t allow me to beat up on you verbally, then you’re a weak wimp. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
2. “You’re a poor excuse for a communicator!” Implied threat: If you don’t agree with my put-downs, then you are a bad communicator. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
3. “We’ve just got to agree, to disagree!” Implied threat: If you don’t agree with me, then you’re in the wrong, and I will just wait until you come around. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
4. “You had it coming!” Implied threat: If you don’t tow the party line, your punishment is warranted.” Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
5. “Your mood is like a screeching roller-coaster!” Implied threat: If you aren’t happy with how I’m treating you, then something is very wrong with you and your mood. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
6. “All you want to do is argue and fight!” Implied threat: If you protect yourself by getting angry at the person who is lashing you with bad treatment, then you are mentally off-balance and need help. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
7. “You have to have it your way!” Implied threat: If you don’t focus your time, energy and attentive comments on the speaker, then you are not being a team player who’s in it for the good of all. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
8. “You only care about yourself!” Implied threat: If you have needs that are conflict with another’s agenda, then you are being selfish and self-absorbed. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
9. “You’ve done IT to yourself, you know!” Implied threat: If you’ve done something unconstructive once in 10 years, then that excuses the same negative behavior that occurs weekly in the guilt tripper. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
10. “You’ve got to get past IT!” Implied threat: If you’re a religious person, then you should forgive and forget what is unforgivable and unforgettable. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
11. “You always and only focus on the negative!” Implied threat: If you respond critically to negative words or actions, then you deserve further criticism for being SO sensitive. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
12. “You think that I meant to do IT, don’t you?!” Implied threat: If you try to hold me responsible for intending to do something harmful to your self-esteem, I’m going to plead a complete lack of awareness and pose the “relationship insanity defense.” Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
13. “You have some serious issues and I can’t help you!” Implied threat: If you are disagreeing, then you must be a disagreeable person who needs psychological psychotherapy as soon as possible. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
14. “IT always has to be your way!” Implied threat: If you require compromise, then you will be accused of failing to compromise in a logical and civil fashion. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
15. “You’re not listening to me so shut your yap for a second!” Implied threat: If you disagree assertively, then that means you aren’t a good listener or open-minded. Talk Tool: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT?
YOUR POSITIVE MIND IS TOO PRECIOUS TO MISPLACE
Why allow your mind to be written on by NegaTalkers? Now you know how to stop from being psychologically tortured by someone you work with or love. Your positive mind is too precious to misplace! “Psycho-torture” is when a fellow talk traveler gets you to grab their “baited hook” of negative talking …and negative “opinionizing”…about your character and caring, your decisions and intelligence, your feelings and emotional honesty, your integrity and motives. Once you’re hooked, the torturer then reels you in like a flapping fish as you become increasingly agitated and upset. Great Scott, are we having fun, yet? This magnificent CommTool forces the controlling criticizer to clarify his or her thinking, not so you can launch a counter-offensive, but so you can know what is making them tick, and making you ticked off.
GET YOUR COTTIN’ PICKIN’ HANDS OFF MY PSYCHIC SKIN YOU DAD BLASTED GUILT TRIPPER
You can read about how to get off the hook of a “psycho-torturer” in related articles. For now, though, know that you have choices in how to respond assertively to slams, jams, pokes, prods, guilt trips, psychocritiquing, low blows, irritating talk distractions, guerilla talk warfare, power plays, one-up-wo/manship, psychotorture, the “Now, I’ve got you where I want you, you S.O.B.” games people play, nit-picking by a dad blasted perfectionistic put-down artist…well, you get the drift.
YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE IT’S ALL MY FAULT…THAT I’M THE PROBLEM
Well, if the shoe fits the psycho-torturer, then you can’t help that person “fix” their attitude and their negative relationship actions. Can you? Alright…I’ve heard all the come-backs:
- “Why can’t we just work at this?”
- “There simply wasn’t enough time!”
- “If you try to we can work anything out together!”
- “Why can’t we speak truthfully and honestly and just tell each other how we really feel?”
- “You’re being TOO thin-skinned, and can’t take the truth!”
- “I didn’t mean to and I didn’t know what else to do!”
- “I’ve said that ‘I’m sorry’ so why can you just forget about it?”
- “I told you I’ll be different in the future and change.”
- “I can’t make you feel bad or ticked off, only you have the power to do that!”
WHAT TO DO WHEN TALKS ARE SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL?
Choose to take control of talks that are spinning out of control like a car on black ice in the winter. Drive through the skid to safety, by saying: WHAT MAKES YOU SAY THAT? Then listen non-defensively to another stupid argument why human beings think they can say anything bad and nasty and get away with it!
CHECK OUT THE PREVIOUS COMMTOOLS
CommTool#12: ARE YOU SAYING THAT
CommTool#11: SO, WHAT’S YOUR POINT
CommTool#10: IF THE SHOE FITS, BABY
CommTool#9: I NEED YOU TO KNOW I’M FEELING SCARED
CommTool#8: NOW HEAR THIS MY DEAR MIND
CommTool#7: WHAT MAKES YOU THINK THAT
CommTool#6: I NEED YOU TO HEAR THAT
CommTool#5: WHAT DOES IT HAVE TO DO WITH ME
CommTool#4: CHANGE…THE DAMN RECORD
CommTool#3: WHY ‘IT’S NOT FAIR’ IS SUPREMELY FAIR
CommTool#2: IS THIS GOOD FOR ME?
CommTool#1: YOU’VE SAID THAT ALREADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching, relationship problem-solving communication tools and professional development training in Dayton, Ohio, and surrounding areas. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” In this inspiring new relationship improvement and leadership training program, you will learn the crucial differences between Empathizer-type communicators and Instigator-type communicators. Empathizers back down from verbal confrontations while Instigators don’t hold back speaking their minds. You can get a thumbnail sketch of your true communicator type by clicking on “What’s Your Communicator Type.” And these tools REALLY work when you choose to use them!