A mind is a precious thing to misplace in a vast past space that dwarfs your present potentials. This lesson came home forcefully to me recently. I was on my knees on a wooden platform 30 feet underwater in Star Quarry being tested for my open water scuba certification. How did I get myself into this watery mess of a worry mindgeist? Hey, you try kneeling down on a slippery wooden platform in full wet suit and scuba gear and get ready to tear off your mask meters under the water and just you see how you feel!
OH, THE PLACES YOU’LL GO WHEN YOU TALK TO YOUR KIDS AND PLAYERS ON YOUR WORK TEAM
As the air bubbles gurgled around my mask, I wondered: “Why am I here?” That was easy. My middle daughter Riley, who is all of almost 13 years old and a National Geographic certified scuba diver wanted a diving “buddy.” Enter yours truly…playing skills catch up to reach the level of my “water bug.” By the way, Riley wants Dayton to become an island so she can do more diving! Riley’s enthusiasm for diving is contagious…I got bit by my water bug.
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER WHEN…
So Riley came with me for the two days of four dives to support me. She must have figured I was feeling kind of nervous. I appreciated her comforting wisdom and playful teasing. “You can do it Dad…I did it and it was no big deal!” I should have known better when her blue eyes blazed against the sun of her yellow hair.
I DO WORRY VERY WELL…THANKS…YOU CAN BET I’M AN EXPERT AT WORRYING
It’s easy to learn if you’re an undoubting child who simply follows directions without worry. My mind is a tad bit more “complicated.” Donning a wet suit, BCD, hoses going off from everywhere, masks and fins emphasized that we were entering a different world of experience. Why not worry? I do worry VERY well…I’m an expert at worrying…when I’m swimming in the unknown (or doing anything), I can count on worry to be my buddy. “Who me, worry?” You can bet your mask defogger on it.
LEARNING NEW SKILLS IS A SNAP?
Oh, snap! Being a novice at something when you’re a doctor of psychology is a huge lesson in humility and finding your courage when you have none. So here are some of the lessons of living life underwater and in the undertow of the worry habit.
1. BLOW BUBBLES. Worrying uses up your air supply very quickly. Plus, you’re supposed to breathe normally when you are afraid underwater, to calm yourself down. Advice for living your life today: BREATHE when you feel all chocked up on stress.
2. KEEP TRACK OF YOUR BUDDY. Worrying narrows your view when you’re surrounded by such weird sights as underwater trees, rocks and fish, and wooden platforms that appear out of the haze. I lost my buddy, Billy, once upon a time. I forgot the rule that after a minute you surface and look around for your supportive life line. Advice for living your life today: KEEP YOUR FRIENDS IN SIGHT and talk to them about what you aren’t doing right that you want to do better so you can both survive and thrive.
3. DON’T FLIP OUT TO WHAT-IFS-VILLE. O.K. this isn’t possible, but worth trying any-hoo. As I was kneeling on a platform 30 feet below surface watching my air bubbles travel a very long distance to the surface…I thought about all kinds of dreadful WHAT IF outcomes. What IF I failed at the new skills? What IF I ran out of air? What IF I looked the fool? What IF I couldn’t think clearly under the pressured circumstances? WHAT IF…drives me nuts in a flat second. Advice for living your life today: EXPERTS ARE THERE TO HELP. There were three expert diver instructors watching and helping with everything…SO I was not alone and they looked so calm and in control. Guess they had done this hundreds of times before.
4. STUPID MISTAKES AREN’T THE END OF THE WORLD. Yeah, as I was trying to get my buoyancy just right, that capability to stay at one level and float in “outer space,” I lost my composure. I put too much air into my vest and whoosh up I rushed toward the surface! I bobbled and bumbled and bopped up trying to clear my ears the whole way and forgetting to kick down. I thought I saw a smile on my buddy’s face, as the expert instructors grabbed me and kindly pulled me back down under. Advice for living your life today: GET THE TIPS for correcting a mistake and use them the very next time you find yourself in the same stressful situation.
5. STAY FOCUSED ON THE MOST IMPORTANT TASK AT HAND. The practiced skills sequence seemed complicated to me but was “chunked down” into learnable steps to build confidence. So we filled our masks part-way and cleared it, then filled our masks completely and cleared it, then took our masks all the way off and put it back on and cleared it. When you can’t see the world as you know it to be keep your eyes open because something interesting is about to happen! Advice for living your life today: FOCUS ON THE FIRST STEP and the rest of the skills walk will take care of itself like a cake walk.
6. LISTEN ON LAND…LISTEN UNDERWATER. Communication is a mighty comfort. Underwater you must listen to hand signals to do what’s required, just like listening to the “non-verbal” or “implied” level of communication on dry land. Thirty feet underwater is not the place to start running on a one-way communication street that leads to disaster recovery. Advice for living your life today: IMPROVE YOUR TALK SKILLS every chance you get, everywhere you go.
7. RECORD YOUR PROGRESS. All dives involve a clear discussion of the dive on land before you get wet, a summary of what you’re going to do when you’re in shallow water, doing what was said would be done underwater, and reviewing what was done following the dive. Practice makes perfect…focus isn’t lost and attention doesn’t fly off into “zoner” land. Advice for living your life today: KEEP IT SIMPLE by writing down what the basic steps are to accomplishing your goals.
8. SHOW YOURSELF A LITTLE TENDERNESS. Alright, when was the last time you kneeled for 15 minutes on a wooden plank and considered that every thing you said or did was of weighty importance? When you feel out of your element…when you feel like a novice surrounded by experts…when your mind races away with you…when you are living in a fear-driven future unreality that is draining you—think again by showing yourself just a little tenderness. Advice for living your life today: LIVE YOUR LIFE today as the true person you truly are instead of some faker or “mind spinner.”
WHO ME, WORRY?
Perhaps the best part of new adventures is sharing them one-on-one with one of your kids or work partners. Sharing a couple of days together is “magic” for dads and daughters. Riley talked non-stop to me about all sorts of life events that were unfolding in her head. I learned that she really likes being part of our family. I discovered that worries worries about the upcoming school year were running around in her head like an open valve on a regulator draining the “energy” of her oxygen tank.
FACING OCEAN-DEEP EMOTIONS
I really love my three daughers. As an involved dad, I must face ocean-deep emotions about all sorts of topics the kids bring up. In fact, I saw a big billboard by the quarry that told me to have “the talk” with my kids. I hurrumped: It’s a little late to broach one BIG skill area in a huge way, like S-E-X, when you haven’t done all the “little steps” that prepare for the “big talk” first. It would be akin to taking your kid on a deep dive without having taught them to tread water or dog paddle first.
ON YOUR KNEES 30 FEET UNDERWATER TRYING TO REMAIN CALM IN AN UNKNOWN WORLD
I talk with my kids because I really enjoy talking and listening to my kids…even though I feel like I’m on my knees in scuba gear 30 feet underwater trying to remain calm in a world that isn’t known to me. Of course, most of us feel the same way during our work and/or parenting days and nights when all us “grown up” and mature folk are stretched at the seams ready to pop.
I noticed that the dive masters all truly accepted one another as they are. They joked and teased…but in a healthy way meant to demonstrate support. Each was unique, each had an important part to play, all were important to the team and skilled indviduals in their own merit. I felt safe, trusted and trusting. I knew my skill level was sufficient, and the instructors would make me “proficient” and praise progress instead of chastise my shortcomings.
THERE YOU GO AGAIN, WORRYING?
Yup, I became a “certified open water scuba diver” (better than being “certifiable”) this weekend in spite of my fears. I felt far less afraid due to the expert diving instruction of the dive staff Lynn and Cindy, Hasan, Rick, R.J., Randy “the turtler,” Matt and all the other passionate “let’s have some fun diving” people of Aquatic Realm Scuba Center, in Dayton, Ohio. What a TEAM…respectful of one another but still able to poke fun and tease to break the tension of keeping everyone safe. Diving at White Star Quarry, Bowling Green, Ohio taught me that ALL OF US WORRY SOME when we’re engaged in doing something worthwhile and new.
STILL WORRIED? JUST JUMP INTO THE POOL WITH YOUR BLUE JEANS ON
And Riley, I felt such delight watching you skip toward and then jump into the hotel swimming pool with your blue jeans on…your confidence gives me faith that good things really DO happen to good people like you and me in this world. Thanks for supporting me…ready to dive together?
Oh, and Riley, you know I love you so very much and surely hope that Dayton can become an island SOON and that the Grand Canyon would be more useful if it were filled in with salt water and ready for the next dive.
I am SO very proud of you…keep the spirit of hope, love and faith ALIVE! Live your life today and every day. Relieved, DAD.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, who believes that everyone should get along in life just swimmingly, is author of the newly published book TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone and founder of New Insights Communications in Dayton, Ohio. He likes to think of his book as a lifeline to anyone who’s drowning in a sea of poor communications. Dennis is also an executive coach, who runs leadership training skills development programs, and is a personal and family positive communications consultant.