Nowhere do the bright lightning and heaven-shaking importance of honesty and openness come through more brilliantly than in the arms of our personal romantic, parenting and extended family relationships. So here’s a question: Is a tiny little white lie all that bad for our health? White lies and half-truths cause havoc and shrink intimacy into nothingness faster than a cold dunk into icy water. Maybe it’s doing what you want instead of what you’ve promised to do. Maybe it’s deception, truth-spinning or failing to communicate. Maybe it’s a determination to hang onto a bad attitude. Indeed, the single biggest “red flag and emergency flare” of a distressed relationship is NOT telling the truth…so help us God.
In my third book “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone,” I’ve defined the “Relationship Rules” we must live by in order to create trust and respect in our business and personal relationships.
TELLING THE TRUTH HURTS?
The hallmark of an ethical human being is to be in the habit of openly telling the truth…even when it might make him/her look bad. Why isn’t the truth spoken more often? Well, the writer below has openly written out of her heart-mind about the trust vs. mistrust issues in her romantic relationship. Is she trying to control the man in her life? Do you have the courage to write such self-revealing things that can be judged or laughed at? Would you have the gumption to talk openly about these vulnerable feelings with your partner? You might think better of telling the truth when your partner throws an angry fit or tantrum in response. Sometimes, telling the truth hurts. Sometimes, the truth messenger is killed while the truth message remains unheard.
THE ‘DEAR JOHN LETTER’ FROM A DEVOTED READER
“Dear John,
When the spoken word fails me, when I am unable to articulate my words, I always seem to choose to write. Writing has always been one of my strengths and a source of comfort. I also like it because you, the receiver, are able to read (or reread) the letter, based on your moods and feelings, not mine.
You have been weighing heavy on my heart and also, in my thoughts. A couple weeks ago I tried to tell you that I could no longer be your friend, lover or have a relationship with you because of your continued lies, deceit and manipulation. We argued about the definition of lies and deception and didn’t really come to any clear understanding, or at least I don’t think so. But what I have come to realize is that I have told many lies to myself to live your lie. And for that I will accept full responsibility.
The lie I told myself: I am a much better, healthier, loving woman than John’s ex-wife so he would not treat me like he treated her.
Truth: John, at times, treats me exactly as he treated his ex-wife. There is no difference.The lie I told myself: Once John is able to experience honest, sincere, genuine mature love and friendship with me then that will allow him to see how healthy, growing, loving relationships should be and he will reciprocate.
Truth: John has not reciprocated in like kind.The lie I told myself: When John realizes how much his actions hurt me, he will stop those actions.
Truth: John will not change his actions for me.The lie I told myself: John needs the support, encouragement and love from me to help him beat his compulsive habit, self-defeating behavior, obsession, pattern, addiction or whatever it is called.
Truth: John makes choices and decisions that reflect the ultimate in self-indulgence, self-centeredness and epitomizes the one-way talk and relationship street he claims to despise.The lie I told myself: Since John is terrific to me 95% of the time, what could be so bad if 5% is miserable?
Truth: 5% of lies, deceit and disguised manipulations is not good.The lie I told myself: John can learn to live with compromises that trouble the soul and make you suffer and call it love.
Truth: Suffering is not love.The lie I told myself: If John says his newest relationship is business and not personal, then I’m sure it’s all business.
Truth: The relationship started as business but crossed over the line into personal, too. If he won’t tell me about having a drink or a lunch or a dinner, he will not tell me when things heat up.The lie I told myself: The past is over.
Truth: The past continues to drive John and haunt him. When you make the same choices, you can’t ever get past the past.The lie I told myself: If the package is beautifully wrapped, its contents will be fabulous.
Truth: The packaging doesn’t tell you anything about what’s inside. The outside can be beautiful and the inside ugly.The lie I told myself: If you believe in the same God, you’ll share the same values.
Truth: Values are what you live, not what you believe.The lie I told myself: Trust can always be rebuilt from the ashes…you can get over anything if you just work hard enough.
Truth: You can’t be happy, joyful, contented, confident, respecting, open, at-ease or relaxed when you live the lie that we can’t trust one another.And the last lie I told myself: If John and I don’t have a close, connected loving relationship he will really miss me and my kids, too.
Truth: John…YOU will simply “erase” me – from your cell phone, from your address book, from your night time and weekend activities, from our circle of friends, from your sex life, from your family, from sharing work milestones and moments, from your life and you will replace me with another woman and a new life.
WEIGHING HEAVY ON THE HEART-MIND
So now you’ve heard from a beloved Dr. O’Grady reader who wrote the open letter about feelings to her romantic partner. Their relationship was distressed by untruths. Both partners are intelligent and caring individuals and have been going together for many years. Should she send the letter or show it to her partner? NO, I don’t think so. The letter will be met with a response of open hostility, hatred, loud barking, a commanding attitude and extreme insecurity. The truth in this case (based on past exercises of like kind) is that this message just won’t go anywhere productive.
SEX, LIES AND LOVE: WHY I PRAY FOR THOSE WHO KNOW EVERYTHING
A positive psychology mentor of mine is fond of saying: “I pray for those who know everything…and I pray for those who don’t!” In my opinion, more help is needed by the first group than the second one. Truth-tellers admit that they don’t know even half of anything…and in that struggle find more truth revealed to them. So what have we learned from living a life of lies or half-truths?
1. Lies create mistrust
2. Mistrust creates interpersonal distance
3. Interpersonal distance creates stagnation and boredom
4. Boredom and emotional disconnect can douse the fires of love and passion
5. When the fire burns low we are at risk for looking around for better talk opportunities
6. In short, dishonesty creates a life of lies, deceit and unending psychodramas that you need about as bad as a hole in the heart or head
THE CONTROLLING RELATIONSHIP: THE QUIET DISGUISED MANIPULATION AND CONTROL OF THE EMOTIONAL TONE OF A RELATIONSHIP
I’m made a strong case that control is the opposite of love. Control creates anger, frustration and hate. The harder you try to control others, the “behinder” you will get in your heartfelt goals and aspirations. In contrast, the harder you try to manage your own moods and issues, the ‘ah-header’ you will get in your personal growth and healing. I’ve written in “Talk to Me” convincingly that there are three types of relationship: Loving, Controlling, Friendship. Which one are you in today?
YOUR WORD IS YOUR BOND: WHEN YOUR WORD ISN’T ANY GOOD, YOU FEEL GOOD FOR NOTHING
When you or I lie, whether in direct or indirect ways, we eerily and unerringly destroy trust, confidence and respect in whether or not we can be the trusted leader of trusting and need-filled followers. Now no one is ever perfect, BUT without trust, confidence and respect then we have no relationships – friend, business associate, beloved extended family member, brother or sister or lover. As proof: In my article “The Rule of Good Leadership” I succinctly state: “When you are the leader of your own life…you do what you say you’re going to do in about the same time frame you say you are going to do it in.”
WHAT TO SAY TO THE LIAR IN YOUR LIFE?
When you ignore an Elephant-size lie, chances are that you’re bound to wake up some day in a dust cloud created by an Elephant Stampede of Stress. It’s not your fault. Have you become a co-liar…pushing the truth under the hallway carpet, hoping not to trip on it? Untruths keep things swirling and stirred up. Distortions disrupt intimacy. A quiet disguised manipulation or “quiet control” of the emotional tone of a relationship kills love a little at a time. You have no other choice than to tell yourself the truth about the liar in your life…especially when that liar in your life is YOU.
Even when a temper tantrum is thrown around the communicator table…tell the truth without casting stones of blame. It’s the only sane way to live a life of love in a world riddled with hate-filled miscommunication.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, whose mother taught him a thing or two about lying, promotes emotional truth-telling and keeping one’s word to better deal with difficult realities in his new book “Talk To Me.” His message: Don’t give up hope quite yet, because hope is here! Getting out of the emotional swamp we find ourselves in, surrounded by alligators and getting eaten alive by big bugs, requires the faith to feel anything and tell the truth without blaming anyone.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady provides executive coaching, relationship communication facilitation and professional development training in Ohio and surrounding states.