I believe that people can depress other people. I know that it’s not very psycho-fashionable to say “you made me cry” nowadays, but it’s true. You CAN make me feel bad by what you say and do! And I CAN make you feel good by what I say and do! In fact, die-hard pessimists can squash and deflate my positive moods pretty quickly.
ARE YOU TOO SENSITIVE OR INSENSITIVE IN THE WORLD OF GOOD COMMUNICATION?
Hey, it’s not a perfect world, I realize, and Empathizer communicators can pick up emotional feelings as easily as some people pick up the common cold. It’s as if they have an emotional radar that’s always turned on.
However, if you’re a tough and thick-skinned Instigator communicator, are you going to tell me that you don’t feel it when I stomp on your toes? That’s why big boys and girls just gotta’ sit down and put their heads in their hands sometimes and cry.
DEPRESSING RELATIONSHIPS
You can blame the weather or a partner for your bad mood, and some of the time you are right. Relationships that are co-dependent or that restrict the psychological independence of either partner will make you sad, mad, guilty, moody and all mixed up. SO whose fault is it?
The answer to that question doesn’t really matter. What matters is what you are going to do to fix the problem and change the relationship situation that you dislike.
IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP DISTRESSED?
Symptoms of a mood-depressing relationship ARE:
- You can’t talk about deep issues
- You feel like two ships passing in the night
- You either argue too much or not enough
- You feel shamed for feeling what you do
- Your partner interrupts you to tell you how to feel—think—behave—change what you do
- A “blame and shame” mentality pervades the talk proceedings at the communicator table
- When you tell the truth, you get slammed or punished in words or the silent treatment
- You have difficulty sleeping…or wake up abruptly
- Your skin crawls with anxiety when you ought to be happy
WHAT OR WHO IS DEVOURING YOUR SOUL?
When a distressed relationship is devouring your soul, there’s a dull ache of pain and helplessness in your heart that doesn’t go away. You also feel as if your life is slipping out of control. The solution is to become the leader of YOU and your own life again. How?
FIVE HALLMARKS OF HIGH-POWERED TWO-WAY COMMUNICATIONS
Let’s move off the negative and into the positive talk circle. Here are five hallmarks of fine communication:
- Feelings aren’t frowned upon
- Guilt trips and finger-pointing are avoided
- Problems are discussed rationally then solved
- Each partner accepts 50% co-responsibility for every problem
- Anxiety isn’t caused by rejection or loss of support if you say what you really mean to your partner
Your mood IS affected by the quality of your communication and the attitude of your partner toward your moods. If the mood in your relationship is distressed, don’t wait. Instead, seek communication help from someone you trust.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, a clinical psychologist, has talked to more than 5,000 couples who are gay, straight, married or living together, young and old, Catholic and Jewish, highly educated or working hard for a living, and he has learned that communication is a system of talking well when you feel bad or ill. His third book is called “Talk to Me:
Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”