Here’s a guilt trip guaranteed to work almost every time on an Empathizer-type (E-type) communicator: “You don’t think of anybody but yourself!” Another one that pushes the guilt button is, “Why do you have to always be SO selfish?!” E-types actually feel bad when the good they’re doing for themselves isn’t approved of by a partner! Go figure! On the other side of the talk street, Instigator communicators don’t feel selfish about “taking care of yourself” when they do good things for ME-self. E-types, you’re being too sensitive.
DO YOU FEEL GUILTY WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF?
Empathizer-type communicators will try hard to please others, and try EVEN harder to make everyone happy. The result? The “nice E-type guy or gal” finishes last in happiness but first in pain and suffering. E-types don’t know when to quit while they’re behind, and will beat their talk heads against a rock wall of resentments. I-types won’t stand for it, and push to achieve their personal goals even when they get flak. Instigators developed the “flak jacket.”
ARE YOU TOO SENSITIVE ABOUT WHAT OTHERS THINK OF YOUR LIFE CHOICES?
E-types are pleasers at heart. They shouldn’t try so hard to “be good enough” or be a perfect-pleasing pleaser in ALL their relationships. Empathizer communicators stand glum with their emotional backs in a corner and their minds numb, while Instigator communicators aren’t about to allow anyone to control their minds or make them feel bad for long.
HOW TO NOT FEEL BAD WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING GOOD FOR YOURSELF
It’s up to you to be the leader of your own life. You aren’t in this world to make others happy…they’ve got to do that job all by their lonesome(s). Your job is to enjoy and experience the time you have on this spirit-spinning planet. How to do something good for yourself instead of feel bad:
1. THINK AGAIN. “You don’t think of anybody but yourself!” is a bold-faced lie. The reason an I-type guilt-trips you with this is because it works to shut you down and make you more controllable.
2. LAY DOWN LIES. Lies repeated become warped truths. If you’ve heard 100 times that you’re selfish, you will check into yourself to “see” if there’s any truth to it. Enough repetition makes you think the thought yourself—true or not.
3. GUILT RIPS OUT YOUR VOCAL CORDS. Guilt makes you feel action-arthritic. Guilt trips slow you down because guilt and shame make you ashamed to feel happy and self-satisfied.
4. BE A PROMOTER OF HEALTHY SELFISHNESS. Healthy selfishness is real. Honestly, every behavior ought to include a mixture of selflessness and selfishness…it should be good for you and me and almost everyone else, too.
5. THE SHAME AND BLAME GAME IS LAME. Kick the “shame on you” critical parent trap. When you felt vulnerable as a kid, shaming guilt trips always made you tow the line and be a smiley-child who couldn’t be true to the genuine self. It’s okay NOT to do that as an adult.
6. DON’T BE A BELIEVER. Why do you believe bold-faced lies? If you’re an Empathizer, the criticism aimed at you is often far truer of the person flinging the criticism. Ah, how insane the art of projecting our problems into someone else’s mind to solve.
7. USE HEALTHY ANGER. Controllers seek the power of controlling your time and life. Plenty of power-hungry people would love for you to be a carbon copy of them. How’s that for Excessive Self-Esteem!
8. LET ANGER ATTACKS FLY RIGHT BY YOU. Anger intimidation via “anger attacks” are the biggest reason you back off from taking care of yourself. If I can make your skin crawl by being rude, crude and lewd and I learn that’s the way to get my way…well, I’m going to let fly a razor-sharp “anger attack” boomerang. Angry disapproval is a passive-aggressive payback of the worst kind.
9. SHYING AWAY FROM CONFLICT. It’s easier to do or say nothin’ and stay stuck in your corner? Yeah, in the short term, until you get fed up with being sick and tired. Change requires using a new map of travel. Long-term, it’s a trip worth taking, but it those first few steps feel awful on your “communicating positively and effectively” journey. Don’t turn back.
10. PLACATE NO MORE. Empathizers (E-types) will please others and try to make them happy, until the “nice guy or gal” finishes last in happiness but first in pain. No one wins in that race.
GET OVER THE GUILT COMPLEX
Shoot, my dear E-types…you’ve been slammed all your life for being “too sensitive.” Yeah, it’s hard to make a decision that makes you feel happy if it makes your partner feel all grumpy, dumpy, give the evil eye and act all unhappy…like it’s your fault and shame on you for being so mean. DO the new, anyway! You know how to “mean what you say without being mean,” for gosh sakes. If you don’t protect your energy, literally, the life energy will be sucked right out of you and your positive change goals will be strangled to death!
IF YOU DON’T THINK OF ANYBODY ELSE…WHY NOT THINK OF YOURSELF?
If you’re going to be blamed and shamed for doing something good for yourself anyway, why not do something good for yourself, today? Enough already of chomping on the guilt-laden manure sandwich that you’ve been handed and told is a tasty bolgna sandwich. That’s pure baloney! Why allow your mind to be jammed-packed with guilt explosives of the “You just think about yourself” kind anymore. Can I hear a “Me-First” for a change of assertive talk scenery? You have nothing to feel guilty for…not even feeling guilty for not being able to stand up for yourself and take charge. If you don’t think of anybody else—think of yourself first.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” prefers Big Macs and Quarter Pounders with cheese, not manure sandwiches, at the communication table of life.