“I can’t believe you said that!” is the rallying cry of shocked Instigator-type (I-type) communicators who hear something coming out of YOUR mouth that doesn’t fit THEIR world view of what YOU’RE supposed to be saying, doing or being.
Empathizer-type communicators (E-type), on the other hand, are more likely to respond with, “You hurt me when you said that!” when they hear something coming out of YOUR mouth that stings or sticks in THEIR mind like a harpoon in the soft underbelly of a whale. Both spoken transactions imply that the receiver has unwittingly blown up the relationship bridge of the speaker without intending to…and so the speaker should apologize and get busy fixing the problem.
YOU’RE NOT LISTENING TO ME
Instigators or I-types listen with a mission in mind. When I ask I-types in my communications classes and case studies what their mind is doing during a heated discussion: “I’m readying my next counter-argument because I know I’m right and I’ve got to stand up for my position.”
And when I ask Empathizers or E-types what they’re doing during a heated discussion: “I’m trying to steady my nerves and not feel too hurt so I can come back and calmly state my point.” Which one are you…and E- or I-type communicator? Which one is your partner?
LISTENING WITH THREE EARS
My Talk to Me relationship approach builds new communication patterns, and I show how E-types therefore listen with “three ears” and I-types listen with “one ear.” What do I mean by this? E-types are both listening to the “spoken message” and the “implied message” and sorting like crazy. I-types listen with “one ear to steer the conversation in the direction they think it should go.” Neither type is better or worse, since both approaches work well at different times. E-types would do better if they stuffed cotton in their ears when “me-bad songs” are sung until their head hangs down.
THE MIRACLE OF CLOSING COMMUNICATION GAPS
When I drive on a one-way street of talking, or allow someone to steer me down dark avenues, it’s a miracle that any of us can find our way or even try to talk at all! In fact, words have been so altered, watered down and distorted to be devoid or empty of true meaning too many times. On the other hand, we all must resort to words in order to “problem-solve” and “people connect,” which is what we say we’re all about.
BRIDGING COMMUNICATION GAPS
Words form the bricks of the bridges that are needed to cross from one side of a talk canyon to the other side. Here’s how to bridge communication gaps when you hear “I can’t believe you said that!”
1. SLOW DOWN WHEN OTHERS MOVE TOO FAST. When your pulse rate quickens, remind yourself: “I can’t control what others say about me to ME! BUT I don’t have to agree or soak up those negative vibes, either.” And, “I can respond assertively instead of react defensively like I’ve learned to do from Dennis’ TTM approach.”
2. DO A START-OVER? If someone constantly hurts you or gets on your nerves, such as your mom or sister, dad or brother, partner or lover, should you forgive and forget and move on? Absolutely, do NOT pass that go UNLESS the “offensive talk driver” suggests: “Let’s do a start-over. I was in a crummy mood and blew IT and that’s my fault. I’m truly sorry. Can we start over?”
3. MINE FAILURES OR MIND FAILURES? Why give a second thought to the “kernel of truth” of cheap shots about your sterling character? It’s just off-the-cuff chattering from a chatterbox, anyway! Failing to communicate positively with yourself? Then dig down deep to mine the gold ore of the “core lessons” that only failure can teach you. Example: Must you always be SO predictable?
4. “IT’S WHAT YOU LEARN AFTER YOU KNOW IT ALL!” When you agree to take seriously the stupid comments of a know-it-all, you will become a know-it-little in no time at all. Coach “Saint” John Wooden, winner of 9 collegiate NCAA championships, downsized tall and strapping egos when he practiced: “It’s what you learn after you know it all!”
5. KNOW (NO) REGRETS. Although it’s regrettable that people can’t or won’t get along with you, or people might speak or react negatively to what you do that is really good for you to do, do what’s good for YOU, anyway. You will know regrets BUT STAND for a life of no regrets…no excuses…no resentments…no lame blame games…no “they wouldn’t let me.”
6. PROBLEM-SOLVE DON’T PERSON-SOLVE. Your Achilles Heel might be that you care too much. You care to understand…you care to hang in there during tough times…you care to help people who act greedy…you care to be a good Christian or Jew even when you’re getting “evil looks.” Generally speaking, focus your mission of solving problems instead of changing people who are always “right.”
7. SHINE THE LIGHT. I know you feel wounded and in a dark cave all alone and pushed outside the group too often. Keep the faith and hope alive! You have a flashlight in your hand with TTM…turn on your flashlight…shine the light around in that dank cave…look for the “exit” sign and get going in new talk directions.
8. SPINUNICATION. Stop being SO-o nice. Stop listening to all the “spin” monkeys who tell you if you don’t think “we’re right and if you don’t agree you will go down on a fast escalator to Hell.” SO why let your mind to be “spun around” in a thousand directions by fast-talkers? Stick to the truth of your experience that you know to be so.
9. USE YOUR JOY STICK. Communication is a series of “in-flight course corrections,” similar to the right and left ailerons on the outside of the plane wing that you see go up and down when you fly on vacation. Your primary job is to be the pilot of the plane of your own life! Do not permit hijackers aboard. When detractors speak rigidly of your life course or mission, cry a little but say goodbye a lot.
COMMUNICATION VS. SPIN-UNICATION
Communication is either a one-way or a two-way talk street. You can only sweep up and take care of the side of the talk street you walk on. You can’t walk on two sides of the street at the same time. I suggest you more often confront the ridiculous statements that strong-willed Instigator communicators make to you genteel Empathizer communicators that SO-o intimidate you. Stop shaking in your boots! Otherwise, not much change is going to happen in your world of talk “as the world spins.”
LIFE IS SERIOUSLY FUNNY
Stick to the truth that you know, and you won’t lose. Keep your mind open to the positive…close your mind to the negative. Do the new…be afraid of comfort zones that make you feel smug, glum, numb. And by all means, celebrate your life today. Laugh! Life is seriously funny! And remember that 83% of the time, you have the gold opportunity to talk positively to yourself inside your own skull!
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, author of Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone, likes to think of himself as a communication aileron, constantly nudging people this way and that to get them moving in the right direction.