A recent relationship communications client and new convert to the concept of embracing change initially had this to say about the miracle of change: “Change is a daunting task. I don’t stick through and finish things. Why can’t change be easier? I ignore problems and dig my own hole and then walk right into it. Once I’m in my hole it feels comfortable, like a foxhole in a war, so I don’t venture out of it out because I feel boxed in with fear!”
THE POWER TO CHANGE
Despite protestations to the contrary, most of the time we are our own worst enemies when it comes to change. How? We are too passive about what we have the power to change in ourselves OR we ignore the “elephant in the room” through denial (that is, until the elephant stampedes right through the garden of our status quo). Then we moan: “Oh, why does this always happen to me?”
NEW INSIGHTS POLL: HOW WELL DO YOU ACCEPT CHANGE?
Intelligent people are voting at the New Insights poll because they know their voices and opinions will be heard, counted and valued. How well do you accept change if you were given the three choices below? Do you accept change at work or home in ways that flow or block your potentials and new opportunities? Do you handle change differently in different life spheres, such as partnering vs. parenting? Do you block, deny, distort or ignore signs of fear or frustration that “it’s time for a change?” Here are my readers’ group responses to my change poll:
Choice #1: I LIKE CHANGE……..59.38%
Choice #2: I HATE CHANGE……..31.25%
Choice #3: I LOVE CHANGE….…..9.38%
If you don’t want to make it hard on yourself, be a student and professor of change for a change. One thing is certain to occur in your life…like or loathe it…CHANGE HAPPENS!
DO YOU HAVE A LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE?
Apparently, we have a LIKE-HATE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHANGE. Few of us “love change,” which is no surprise. People tend to LIKE the changes they can control, but they HATE the changes that are forced on them or out of their control. There are five fears to face down (Fear of Unknown, Fear of Failure, Fear of Commitment, Fear of Disapproval, Fear of Success) and five stages to travel through before you reach the city of Joy (all of this is discussed in my handbook: Taking the Fear out of Changing).
WHAT DO CHANGE EXPERTS KNOW ABOUT CHANGE THAT WE DON’T?
People who respect and learn from change are what I call “change experts.” They pay attention to the dynamics of change. Here’s what they know:
1. PEOPLE DIG THEIR OWN HOLES. Who better to dig your own hole than you? Let’s not be melodramatic, though. You dug your own hole…you walked up to your own hole that you dug…you walked right into the hole that you dug…you feel trapped at the bottom of the hole you dug…you are going to whine or complain about being in the hole that you dug…you are going to get ‘comfortable’ being in your hole…you are going to pessimistically believe that getting out of your hole will just mean that you will dig another hole a few feet away from the original hole and jump into it so why bother leaving this perfectly good hole that you’re already in?
2. MAKE ME MAD. When people consistently make you mad, then you are spurred on to change to reduce negativity and frustration.
3. IT’S YOUR FAULT. Blaming someone else (or anyone, self included) or something else for the state of your life, robs you of your personal power to change.
4. BUT I NEVER SAW IT COMING. The major symptom of the human ostrich who buries her/his head in the sand is, “Youch…I never saw it coming!” Truthfully, now, warning whistles often sound and give you a clue that change is in the winds.
5. WHAT’S MY ATTITUDE GOT TO DO WITH IT? Your positive attitude adds the “magical dust” that sprinkles your dreams with the miracle of change.
6. YOU DON’T HAVE TO CHANGE. Believing you HAVE TO change will actually cause a reverse-psychology resistant-to-change mindset…you will dig in your heels to the status quo and stubbornly refuse to move ahead, like an old mule. That’s why you often hear: “You can’t teach old mules new tricks” or “I’m too young to change.”
7. DROP OFF THE GUILT CARGO THAT CAUSES STUPOR. Feeling guilty about anything will cause you to carry old cargo that weighs down your best efforts and makes you feel like Samson…robbed of inner strength when your hair (self-esteem) is snipped, cut down or betrayed in loving relationships.
8. USE AN INNER CIRCLE OF ADVISORS. I don’t know where I would be without the “neutral input” of my inner circle of advisors who often surprise me with their advice. For example, my recent book began as a book to “bump up your mood” until one advisor suggested … “It’s not about mood…it’s about communication…and relationship communication affects mood in a major way.”
9. ARE YOU ON A DEAD RUN ALL THE TIME? If you wait UNTIL you get it all done…or you’re the perfect person…you will end up waiting until your funeral comes.
10. CALL TO CHANGE. Genuine efforts to change are made when you become “emotionally aware” that what you’re doing isn’t effective or rewarding for this stage in your life.
THE LONG AND WINDING ROAD OF CHANGE
Although you will be O.K. going down any change road you elect to go down—some roads are harder and some roads are easier. Change experts don’t mind “working in advance of rewards.” They constantly monitor the negative sides of fear and frustration to determine their impact upon their change goals. After all, change is all-ways a very personal thing…it’s your life…it’s a change world, after all.
LOOKS AS IF CHANGE IS A GOOD THING
It’s time to stop waiting for others to change what they won’t. Time to trust in the process of change, instead of fearing that change will make you a world-class clown or laughingstock. Self-dignity is respecting your needs to make your life better in caring ways through using change tools, right? Do you love change? Nah…but you CAN deal with change as positively and productively as possible to prove unconditionally that you love yourself!
TALK TO ME
Dr. Dennis O’Grady, founder of New Communications Insights, urges his readers to think about how many times a day they actually engage in change: they change clothes, change their minds, change batteries in run-down appliances and gadgets, change positions while watching TV, change their order at the lunchtime restaurant, change shoes, count change at the cashier and change their speed in accordance with traffic lights. See? Change CAN be easy! He’s also the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.”
Previous New Insights Communication polls have included “What’s The Toughest Emotion You Wrestle With?” … “Are You An Optimistic Driver On The Two-Way Communication Highway?” … “The Elephant Stampede” … “What Makes A Good Leader Great?” … “Does Your Attitude Work To Make You A Better Leader?” … “What’s Up With Your Confidence Level?” … “When You Argue, Are You Always Right?” … “Are You Shy or Stuck Up?”… “How Do You Handle Anger?”…“Are Men or Women Better Communicators?” “How Easily Are You Frustrated?”