Has a negative talker smilingly ripped you a new one and then said, apologetically, “I’m sorry, but I just had to be honest with you…I didn’t mean anything by it!” NOT! The speaker is lying like a lumpy rug with a rabid dog hiding underneath it. An insincere apology implies that you should forgive the insults and assaults because the deliverer of the assaults meant well, had no other choice or felt compelled to “tell it like it is.” An apologist can bring you down, and the act of apologizing, thus, can be a manipulative mind game … one that “writes junk in your mind” to make you follow someone else’s rules of “what is right in all of life” for you to do or be.
APOLOGIZING AND YOUR COMMUNICATOR TYPE
Empathizer-type communicators (E-types) pick up negative feelings from others as if by radar. E-types feel guilty saying: “I frankly don’t care what you think…and whether or not you are really trying hard to help me counts for naught…you went too far this time pushing me away…and I don’t care what you think because you’re talking trash. And talk trash like this, I take to the curb! If you continue hammering me to think like you do or do what you want me to do, we’re going to have a huge problem on our hands.” In short, E-types say “I’m sorry…” as a habitual way of avoiding conflict.
SHARP WORDS STICK IN MENTAL FLESH LIKE HARPOONS
Instigator-type communicators (I-types) bleed when sharp words stick in their mental flesh like harpoons, but I-types (as a group) are quicker to dispute and then dismiss a thought or point of view that runs contrary to their own. I-types are experts at putting “mind over emotional matters.” In short, I-types say “I’m sorry about that…” to calm turbulent relationship waters. I-types apologize to get on down the road to accomplish a mission that is being held up by personal-relationship emotions.
TALK ABOUT BEING IN A BAD MOOD
Your mood can go up and down like a roller coaster, and it can dictate how you talk to others…how open or closed your mind is to new ideas and solutions, and how flowing or blocked your emotional energy and “pep” is…if you allow it to be. When you’re in a bad mood, you may feel justified in “letting off steam” or “venting” in order to feel better…or you may “stuff your feelings” and be “too hard on yourself.” Then you apologize to make it all better, but the person you yelled at may feel worried about your bad mood…upset and unable to talk to you. Acting controlling and then apologizing for your controlling behavior can become a bad habit, and it can set up a cycle of negative talk.
I DON’T ACCEPT YOUR APOLOGY
You don’t have to forgive someone for the wrong done to you. You don’t have to go along with the thinking that says, “I’m sorry I messed up, but you know I’m going to nail you to the wall with hurtful words again…I promise to be better for awhile.” So what’s a sincere apology? A genuine apology is when someone permanently, freely and willingly changes his/her behavior, or what he/she did to hurt you, to improve the mood of the relationship. Sometimes, saying “I’m sorry about that…really I am!” isn’t enough. The relationship bridge has been blown up and relationship trust damaged beyond repair.
I SAID I WAS SORRY!
What people might really say about a “relationship anxiety or anger attack” if they really felt free to:
1. Apologist: I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you this. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry I had to listen to it.
2. Apologist: I’m sorry I took it out on you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you took your bad mood out me, too.
3. Apologist: I’m sorry for getting so mad. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry I won’t be able to accept your apology.
4. Apologist: I’m sorry for fighting with you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry we’re so expert at putting each other down.
5. Apologist: I’m sorry I didn’t do what I promised to do. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry that I keep believing your word is any good.
6. Apologist: I’m sorry that I feel so depressed and that I’m such a downer for you. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you don’t feel happy, and don’t show me how happy you are to be with me.
7. Apologist: I’m sorry I called you “stupid” and blamed you for everything. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry too, because you must think I’m “stupid” for being with you and agreeing to put up with this kind of treatment.
8. Apologist: I’m sorry I said you would never amount to anything. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry whenever I believe your smelly trash talk.
9. Apologist: I’m sorry that I’m like a leopard who can’t change his spots. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry that you think I care so much or am so wrapped up in whether you choose to change or not.
10. Apologist: I’m sorry I went nuts again and took it out on you…I didn’t mean anything by it. Assertive Talker: I’m sorry you think you can dump on me and get away with it scot-free.
Wouldn’t you like to confront manipulative apologies? You don’t have to put up with the kind of banter that says, “I’m sorry for what I did to you…but get used to it…it’s going to happen again in the future and I will expect you to forgive me and forget my transgression at that time, too!”
DO YOU THRIVE ON GETTING MAD?
An “apologist” is somebody who argues to defend or justify a particular doctrine or ideology. The apology is part of the argument that “I’m not guilty for being mean, nor would a reasonable or sane person hold me responsible for my reprehensible repetitive verbal actions, if I apologize profusely and with fervent emotion.” An apologist is defending…protecting…promoting a doctrine…pushing a viewpoint on you…pushing the “record” button in your mind with rhetorical brainwashing. Well, maybe I’m going a little too far here. Then again, perhaps there is a “record button” in your brain that gets pushed and makes you forget and feel depressed.
I DON’T LIKE CONFLICT VERY MUCH AT ALL
If you don’t like conflict very much at all, you will avoid talking back to a shamer-and-blamer in effective ways. You won’t want to rock the boat, although your co-talker may be trying to hit you with a canoe paddle in the skull. In my clinical studies, Empathizer (E-type) communicators sincerely apologize too much. I would only be exaggerating a little to tell you the words “I’m sorry…” often are the first words out of their mouths. In contrast, I-types apologize strategically after making a strong point in order to solve problems or move a project forward.
I’M BORED SO LET ME PUSH YOUR BUTTONS
When you talk negatively to others or yourself, you are able to avoid feeling vulnerable (bored, lonely, sad, empty, hopeless and helpless) and/or pleasurable (joy, peacefulness, contentedness, sexual connection, closeness) feelings, but it’s at the expense of stirring the pot of distracting talk cycles that will predictably shoot down your co-communicators spirits. After awhile, they will quit trying to talk to you at all.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady hopes that his new book, “Talk to Me Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone,” will help E-Type Communicators not be so hasty to say “I’m sorry” when they’re being put down by others, and that it will help I-Type Communicators pay a bit more attention to how their harsh words can make others feel. In fact, he’s not sorry at all that he wrote this new book!