I was recently told by a sincere Instigator-type (I-type) communicator, “Dennis, you’re an idiot! Have you lost your mind? That sensitive article you wrote called, “What To Do When Your Plate Is Too Full” was really funny…and yes, I’m being totally sarcastic! Just say “no” to your I-type boss? Oh yeah, fat chance…that’s a surefire way to get promoted fast. I’m a supervisor and do you realize how unrealistic that sounds? You’re making me laugh and I’m splitting a gut. You’re out of your skull.”
WINNERS AND LOSERS
Positive Instigator communicators love to win and hate to lose. One thing I love about Instigator communicators…you don’t have to guess where they stand or what they’re thinking because they WILL tell you! This strong-willed and “Talk to Me” trained Instigator communicator can and does anything to cooperate and succeed as a manager. I thought she ought to have a chance to share with all of us what I-types REALLY think about all this emotional talk stuff. So I interviewed “Sally” and recorded her uncensored thoughts and responses next.
WHAT I-TYPE (INSTIGATOR) BOSSES MIGHT HEAR AND SAY WHEN AN E-TYPE (EMPATHIZER) EMPLOYEE SAYS “NO CAN DO”
Below are the 7 assertive sentences I recommend that sensitive E-type communicators say to a tough-minded I-type boss when “no” is the right answer. Now for the twist: below is the “inner talk” of Sally, the hard-driving and honestly genuine I-type boss I interviewed to glean her “reactions” to these “assertive statements.”
1. I’LL HAVE TO PULL OFF OTHER PROJECTS TO GET THIS DONE.
What I-type boss hears: Um…here comes the whining again. Too bad for you! O.K. so we’re not all busy? Geez, wouldn’t I love to pull off some projects but I seem to be able to get them all done. We never run short of excuses, do we?
E-type Assertive Comeback: “I’ll have to pull off other projects to get this done.”
I-type boss says: Well, would you like me to help you prioritize?
2. ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT ME TO DO THIS IF OTHER THINGS FALL BEHIND?
What I-type boss hears: If I didn’t want you to do this, I wouldn’t have asked you. You are beginning to frustrate me. O.K. Look, I didn’t ask you to do very much…so what are you complaining about? I’m pretty hands-off and I divide jobs up fairly. Adults need to just do the job. Mature people get things done. Are you one of them?
E-Type Assertive Comeback: “Are you sure you want me to do this if other things fall behind?”
I-type boss says: Yes.
3. I THINK THAT’S TOO MUCH TO ASK OF ONE PERSON.
What I-type boss hears: You have a lack of dedication to your job. There’s a lack here of being a team player. Is this too much to ask you to do once in a while? Do we need to talk about this more? Aren’t you up to the job? No matter how much I have put on me, I get it all done. Sure, there’s some emotional cost to me but I get the job done.
E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I think that’s too much to ask of one person.”
I-type boss says: Well, we can certainly talk about that some more BUT we have a limited number of people and X amount of jobs to get done and we’re going to have to figure this out real soon.
4. I’M FEELING LIKE I’M OUT HERE ALONE.
What I-type boss hears: You probably are. If you can’t look around and see everyone else is doing as much or more than you are doing, then maybe you need to look at that. You always have to do more than you want to do due to limited manpower. What else is new?
E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I’m feeling like I’m out here alone.”
I-type boss says: Well, I’m sorry you feel that way. That’s not a huge problem. Let’s talk about that some more and see if there’s another way we can divide up the jobs.
5. O.K. BUT I NEED TO TELL YOU WHAT I NEED AND EXPECT FROM YOU IN RETURN TO GET THIS JOB DONE.
What I-type boss hears: O.K. so you’re going to waste my time with that feeling crap!
E-Type Assertive Comeback: “O.K. BUT I need to tell you what I need and expect from you in return to get this job done.”
I-type boss says: O.K., we’re going to have to talk about that, too. Well, what do you need from me? If I can do it, fine. If I can’t, tough luck cuz it won’t be possible. I’m always willing to listen to my people even though I don’t always agree with them. However, a decision needs to be made by me and we move forward. I don’t like re-visiting everything. It just wastes time and we already have limited time and staff. How many times are we going to have to discuss this very same exact thing?
6. I SHOULDN’T HAVE TO DO IT ALL.
What I-type boss hears: Nor should I but I do. If you want to go backwards and re-hash this thing again…it’s not a big deal!
E-Type Assertive Comeback: “I shouldn’t have to do it all.”
I-type boss says: Well, I wasn’t aware you were doing it all. If that’s a concern, we need to talk to everyone in the group and make some other arrangements.
7. THIS MAY BE ROUGH AND THERE WILL BE MISTAKES.
What I-type boss hears: WEAK. Weak argument…weak person…don’t tell me something you turn in will be “rough.” Make it look and be nice…it should be polished and professional.
E-Type Assertive Comeback: “This may be rough and there will be mistakes.”
I-type boss says: Please try not to have it be rough. You know how concerned I am about how things look when they leave our office.
ARE YOU NUTS?
Now, am I nuts like Sally said? Yeah, I suppose, BUT I don’t mind losing my mind once in awhile. I know communication breakdowns are the norm nowadays. BUT to tell you the truth…open two-way talk with a beloved I-type communicator is all-ways mind-bending and heart-opening, if you ask me. Do you avoid saying what you really think for fear of conflict?
ARE YOU A CRAPPY COMMUNICATOR?
Each week I work with Instigator and Empathizer Communicator managers and supervisors who want to focus on getting their teams paddling in the same direction. Why bother? Being a “crappy communicator” undermines your problem-solving abilities and skills — and may alienate your more “sensitive workhorses” who need to feel backed, instead of backed up against a wall.
DO YOU WORRY ABOUT HURTING OTHERS’ FEELINGS?
E-types so worry about hurting others’ feelings that they will tell while lies to avoid appearing disagreeable, cold or unfriendly. I-types think that dwelling in bad feelings or frustrations isn’t ever helpful, when it can be. Thus, E-types who feel resentful when used or ignored shouldn’t over-indulge in negative feelings. The point is to get to know how your opposite communicator type REALLY thinks and feels behind the social masks. Understanding one another trims the stress down to size.
WHAT’S THE POINT?
Dr. Dennis O’Grady points out that there’s a BIG difference between saying “no” and being a negative person, because they’re two very different things. Saying “no” doesn’t mean you’re negative or uncooperative; it just means you’re honest to yourself about what you can – and cannot – handle and perform with confidence and competence. O’Grady’s a professional keynote speaker and psychologist who is the founder of New Insights Communication and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.”