SOMEBODY HAS TAKEN A STRAW AND SUCKED THE LIFE OUT OF ME!
A professional nurse, who is a very sensitive human being and Empathizer-type communicator, told me recently:
“I feel like someone has taken a straw and sucked the life right out of me. I’m fading fast. I know what to do to feel better but I lack the energy to do it. My partner is concerned, and my co-workers are asking me what’s wrong, but I still can’t seem to pull out of it. So that’s why I’m talking to you, Dennis. I need to get some pep to my step again. I need to get my happy back! I mean this is ridiculous because I’m supposed to be the healer here…but this healer is wounded and her spirit is dying.”
That short description, in fact, vividly describes what a moderate case of “clinical depression” feels like in good, caring people like you and me.
HOW TO KNOW IF YOU OR SOMEONE YOU KNOW IS DEPRESSED
Depression makes you feel invisible, and you feel unable to do anything to help yourself. You might hear yourself say, “My back is up against the wall” … “I can’t make a decision” … “I’m a no one!” The first step to fixing a problem is to know what the problem is. If you’re a manager or a worker bee, these are the symptoms to look for when your star employee is no longer a star, or when the star’s light is fading fast.
1. EVERY LITTLE STRAIN TESTS THE NERVES. When you are depressed, little annoyances carry the same psychological stress weight as “the big issues.” Thus, being interrupted with an unwelcome phone call or a child’s latest problem at school will feel as bad as receiving a cut in pay or being threatened with losing your job.
2. FEELING BLUE OR CRYING AT THE DROP OF A HAT. When you feel depressed, you will feel down in the mouth for no reason, sorrow-filled, sad, like your world is coming to an end or has ended. Thoughts of ending it all might also zip through your mind. This is a feeling of life malaise or uneasiness, as if you can’t count on anything to remain steady. You can find a secure hand to hold when the winds of change are blowing. Talking “pull yourself up” tough to yourself only intensifies the negative feelings.
3. MAD AT YOURSELF…GRUMPY…EDGY… SELF-CRITICAL INSTEAD OF SELF-CARING. You will feel down and blue, and you’ll deliver stern lectures to yourself about how you have to be better, smarter, thicker-skinned and tougher, work harder, not let it get to you, not be so sensitive, not be so upset about nothing at all. You will feel dumped on and put upon, namely resentful. Being subconsciously angry at the self was one of Freud’s psychological definitions of depression.
4. NO ENERGY. When you experience a depression, you will wake feeling tired after a good night’s sleep. Even small activities will drain your energy, as if you’re pushing a big boulder up a mountain by your nose. When you have “no energy”… a bad attitude and withdrawing from others usually follow close behind.
5. THERE’S A HOLE IN YOUR BUCKET. When you or a co-worker/partner feel anxious and depressed, compliments won’t register and criticisms will take center stage, thus draining your bucket of self-esteem that is vital to renewing your energy. Also, you will blame yourself for putting the hole in your bucket, even though it’s not your fault. You will inaccurately believe that you are giving less than your best at work or home…when half of your best is better than most of the rest.
6. REAL DOWNER RELATIONSHIP BLAHS. Dysphoria is feeling down and blue, sometimes for a reason, most times for no reason at all. When you feel down, paradoxically, your relationships won’t boost you up. Instead, they’ll often inadvertently drain you down to lower levels even more. That’s because you feel guilty for being in such a bad mood about your relationship or partner. More bad news: Your romantic partner or kids will tend to become anxious when you feel down for too long.
7. YOU DON’T DO WHAT WORKS TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER? When depressed, you won’t do “all those little things” that will give you a mighty boost of energy. “Little things,” like taking a breather from a tight schedule, reading a positive magazine article, goofing off, calling a friend, meditating or praying, watching a comedy on T.V., going to bed early, saying “no” to helping others when you barely have the energy to put one foot in front of the other. My “energy in” rule and the “Talk to Me” system of talking positively to yourself … will make you feel better pretty darn fast, though.
8. NEGATIVE TALKING THAT FEEDS ON ITSELF. When depressed, you will talk to yourself and believe others talk about you in negative ways. Key negative beliefs: “I am worthless.” “I am not important.” “Anybody can do what I do.” “I’m doing all this to myself…it’s all my fault.” “I should’ve known better … Why am I letting this get me down?” “What’s the matter…is it something biological, situational or relational…why don’t I know?” “This bad feeling is going to last forever…I’ll never pull out of this funk.” The good news: Just being aware of the negative sub-vocal chatter in your skull will lessen it.
9. “WHATEVER I DO TO FEEL BETTER WON’T WORK, SO WHY EVEN TRY?” When depressed, you will make a donkey out of yourself by incorrectly judging the outcome of trying new actions, and you’ll assume that they won’t work. Thus, you will slay some of your and your co-workers’ or partners’ best suggestions, before they have a chance to take flight and pick up your mood.
10. “I DON’T SAY ‘NO’ TO ANYBODY!” Over-extending…being the nice guy or gal…always saying “yes” and not saying “no” when “no” is the right answer, is one of the leading interpersonal causes of keeping a depression going. The solution is to pull back…explain why you are crispy and burned out and need to re-energize. People will understand.
11. LOVE YOURSELF AS YOUR NEIGHBOR. The temporarily depressed person forgets one simple thing: all love that emanates from them begins and ends with feeling loving and caring toward the self. You can’t love and minister to others unless you first love yourself when you don’t even have a reason to. If you can’t be kind to yourself when you’re under the weather… how can you truly be kind to others? If you cannot love yourself when you feel “sick” … how can you offer healing help to your neighbors? Well, of course, you and I can’t do the impossible.
12. YOUR EMOTIONS ARE TIED UP IN KNOTS AND YOUR THINKING TWISTED. Depression “depersonalizes” you as a human being. If you’re a doctor, depression makes you feel like a “provider.” If you’re a nurse, depression makes you feel unimportant and expendable, too. If you’re a manager or administrator, depression makes you feel like no one is implementing the solutions you are wisely advising. Depression confuses your common sense tactics to make you feel like a loser.
ENERGY IN…ENERGY OUT
“I don’t have the energy!” is a major complaint of the depressed employee or family member. The solution is to input “energy in” from outside sources and the use of positive talk. In my third book, “Talk to Me,” I recommend specific ways “to talk positively and effectively to yourself” when you’re in a bad mood. For our purposes: “Talk Nice to You.” “Energy in” is the secret cure that you can use to feel better when you feel about as important as the belly of a worm slithering across a muddy sidewalk with a group of junior high kids running toward you!
RELATIONSHIP DISTRESS
Perhaps two-thirds of all depressions are due to some change in your life or some ongoing relationship dissatisfaction, dispute or distraction from home. Usually those problems travel with you to work. And if the depression is primarily biologically rooted, then medication plus self-management tools work best. In most cases, the rule of “Keep it simple … the cure might be easier than your depressive thinking would have you believe it is!” will work like a lucky charm or rabbit’s foot.
ABOUT TALK TO ME
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a professional keynote speaker from Dayton, Ohio. He is also the author of three books that deal with change management, mood management, relationship relaxation and positive and effective communication skills. Dennis is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone.” As a clinical psychologist and psychotherapist, he has spent more than 30 years helping himself and others out of depression and into “being a leader of your own life.” Has someone taken a straw and sucked the life out of you? Then order a copy of “Talk to Me” from this site to experience a quick boost in your energy. If you don’t experience feeling better fast…your money will be completely refunded to you with no questions asked. In the meantime, do a few of those “little things” that you know will work to “add energy” to your life. After all, suffering isn’t your communication style at all! Also, in an accompanying article, I will tell you how your experience of depression and what does and doesn’t work for treating depressive issues significantly varies depending upon whether you are an Empathizer-type communicator or an Instigator-type communicator.