Do you beat up on yourself? That’s not fair! Unrestricted self-blame results in a state of mind where we falsely believe our worst negative thoughts about ourselves are true. Excessive self-criticism is damaging to your self-esteem and confidence. You can prevent damaging self-criticism by spending less time on your “pity throne”…and alloting more time in positive inner-personal communication.
NOTHING GOOD EVER HAPPENS TO YOU?
Shredding your self-esteem for any reason just brings you down. The outcome is always the same — we stop acting assertively in our best interests because “nothing good or worthwhile will happen anyway.” How can you free yourself from unhelpful criticism that shreds your self-esteem?
1. Say every criticism out loud to yourself. Many self-criticisms are sneaky and sub-vocal. We don’t even realize the crazy things we are saying to ourselves because listening to our inner voices is considered a little wacky. When you are feeling depressed or edgy, listen carefully inside your skull and put words to what you are feeling. The first step of conquering an enemy is to catch the culprit red-handed.
2. Fight the self-criticisms. Give persuasive arguments about why the self-criticism is a bunch of hogwash. After all, you’re being criticized up and down, so why not get a few good shots in yourself? If you hear, “Who do you think you are?” respond with such things as, “Other people I know have done it and lived to tell about it, so get off my back.”
3. Get realistic. You have created your priorities. If you find yourself entertaining put-downs about a lack — lack of exercise, lack of eating control or religious observance — remind yourself of what you are doing to reach your goal. Many self-criticizers never think their efforts are enough unless they result in perfect outcomes.
4. Listen to criticisms directed at you defenselessly. Granted this technique is easier said than done, but it is worth the effort when faced with an angry, blameful mate. Whenever your mate begins a sentence with the word, “You,” change it in your mind to the word “I.” Many criticisms of others are just projections of our own inadequacies. Hearing your mate say, “You never listen to me,” is changed quite a bit by hearing it as, “I never listen to you” (either).
5. Take the time to think before you speak when you are emotionally upset. Adult children of self-criticizers can repeat word-for-word the worst things their parents have said about them, and even state the date and time those put-downs were issued. Is it really worth it to say some things in the heat of the moment that will affect your children for years? A tight-lipped, “You’re lazy, Suzy,” can have reverberations many years into the future. As well, too many wo/men who seek counseling can repeat every criticism their mate ever said about them while they were pretending not to listen.
6. Throw a pity-party for yourself. Really exaggerate your self-criticisms when you are feeling low. Add fuel to fire by making outlandish lies about yourself to the point of laughing at the seriousness of it all. All of us take life too seriously sometimes. Accusing yourself of far-fetched things might help you feel in control of the criticism habit.
7. Contrast every self-criticism with an equally balanced self-proclamation. Self- affirmation goes a long way in balancing the scales of fairness. If you have a heyday with yourself getting your own goat, try countering every negative thought with a positive one. Rest-assured, more negative thoughts will result, but you will know better who the enemy happens to be. Put the creep on alert they you won’t take it anymore.
8. Say, “That’s enough . . . I really feel hurt,” when your partner has gone too far and trespassed into your private zone. Criticism isn’t as easy to take as it is to dish out. Our partners can usually hit us where it hurts most. By yelling foul to low blows, caring partners will usually stand back and take account of their actions.
9. Handle a snake in the grass as if it’s poisonous. Self-criticizers are notorious for accepting any negative jabs directed their way. It is OK to say “No” to intense criticisms that are meant to puncture our egos and poison our wills. If necessary, fight back and offer counter-statements about what you have done for the person who is criticizing you. “Just list the facts…Ma’am,” as the old Dragnet saying goes. Don’t be shy about telling what good things you have brought to the relationship.
10. Take time to lick your wounds and collect your self-esteem. Go ahead and put your mental energy elsewhere — jogging, aerobics, reading, music, meditation or prayer. You may not have full concentration to devote to the task, but it will help you work off a little of the negatives that are pulling you down.
So, do you know hear what I’m saying? Do you know what I mean? Are you ready for a steady flow of self-confidence? Self-criticism IS the number one change resistance of all time that bursts your confidence bubble.
ARE YOU THE LEADER OF YOUR OWN LIFE…OR SITTING ON THE PITY THRONE WASTING TIME?
Remember, you’re not alone on the self-criticism treadmill. It effects the most conscientious of people. But blowing your circuits with a lot of self-derisive noise just makes the computer screen go blank and your will get sapped of self-directed energy.