Within each of us lives a fork-tongued, smooth-talking salesman. He lurks behind your every thought, just waiting to latch upon a loose mental thread of supposed weakened character, so he can unravel your self-esteem. What he is promising to sell you is a better character, something any self-respecting person can’t afford to live without (or so we are told). What he is really selling you is that you’re no good the way you are.
This honey-lipped inner-enemy feeds on fear, insecurity and false hope. It tells YOU to steer clear of trying new things because you will screw them up. It reminds you of your second-class status in life.
ARE YOU STUCK, GOING NOWHERE FULL TILT?
This authority-sounding demon-voice chokes your growth impulse by hypnotizing you into focusing only on your weaknesses. It fools you into forgetting about your strengths. This little voice is barely audible, but it drones on non-stop about one kind of dread or another. “Trust me,” this salesman coos beguilingly, “for I’m only trying to help you.” He helps you all right — to stay stuck, going nowhere full tilt most of your life.
SELF-CRITICISM IS THE #1 CHANGE RESISTANCE IN YOUR LIFE
Self-criticism is the real name of the salesman, the enemy who lives within each of us. Self-criticism unmotivates us by discouraging any new actions that may give a healthy refill to our low self-esteem. Plus, it keeps us doing the very same things we despise having done in the first place.
We mortals seem to think we have to take a hefty dose of criticism every day. Our reasoning runs like this: “How can I become better person with a stronger character if I don’t take a critical look at myself now and again?” But negative self-analysis most always backfires by focusing the limelight on what we don’t do well and pushing into the shadows what we are capable of doing better.
Intimidators are those who are “looking out for number one,” sly charismatic people who are the users in the world but feel guiltless. They alone are the weak people who could benefit from walloping self-criticism. Not you, and not me. But it never crosses guilt trippers minds that they might be in the wrong or that they have a character flaw that needs correcting. Instrusive users who should criticize themselves don’t, and those of us who should eat lightly gorge ourselves on the manure sandwich of rejection.
THE MANURE SANDWICH
Many of us are criticism-bingers. When we make a mistake or suffer a setback we put our self-esteem up against the wall, blindfold the spunky child-self who says we’re great and let the inner enemy take aim and fire away.
Sooner or later all good people get sick and fed up from stuffing themselves with all sorts of put-downs. When we are bloated and ready to burst at our seams, we dump the whole mess on some passerby, usually, someone we love. Verbal self-abusers turn the same criticisms used on their own psyche to other people.
Many people use self-criticism as a defensive shield against hearing others. They beat you to the knockout punch by quickly spilling out the guts of failures, in effect saying, “Heh, lay off buddy, I’ve already said “Gotcha’ to myself.” But trying to admit all our faults before someone else has a chance to point them out only keeps us distant in relationships and traps us with no way out.
NEGATALKERS
What are some of the common messages that keep us indecisive and unmotivated?
- “You shouldn’t FEEL that way!” Nothing makes us lose contact with life’s excitement faster than being told our feelings are wrong. Feelings are invisible emotions that ebb and flow and need to be accepted. Give yourself a little empathy and understanding, and ask for the same from others.
- “You’re not GOOD enough!” Maybe you could have done more or done it better, but you did what you could at the time. Nothing is wrong with a healthy self-reminder that you may not be spending your time or talents most productively and that some corrections are in order. But poking viciously at yourself rarely helps if it makes you so tired that you lay down and quit. What he is really selling us it that we’re no good the way we are.
Self-criticism unmotivates you by discouraging any new actions that may give a healthy refill to your low self-esteem. Plus, it keeps you doing the very same things you despise having done in the first place. Is there no expiration date on inner criticism or victim talk? Yes, you’re up for making change happen fast and last.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a keynote speaker, clinical psychologist and author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves to Get Along With Anyone.”