The junk in the trunk are all those resentments you keep locked inside your communicator car, the heavy weights that drag your love down and make you frown. When you can’t communicate or “agree to agree” on what a problem might be, you can’t solve problems that cause distance in your marriage or business relationships. Thus, stowed resentments make you stew and slowly create distance. In the end, you can lose your profit margins of love.
SCARED OF FIGHTS
Most unfair fights are the result of not understanding that your partner has your opposite communicator style. (No, it’s not just a “his vs. her fault” gender thing!) When opposite types fight, you end up spinning your wheels (ziiiiiiiinnnnng!) going nowhere as you talk about how one of you is not enough of this or that…and the other one of you is not enough of that or this. Get this: Talking about talking isn’t effective talking! If you’re scared of fights, if you fight unfairly or if the two of you fight too often, you won’t dialogue. Instead, you’ll monologue. And the monologue will consist of shredding your partner’s self-esteem and nit-picking him/her to death.
SHE SAYS, HE SAYS: “HEY, I TOLD YOU BEFORE IT WASN’T MY FAULT!”
Dialogue leads to brainstorming, which solves problems and creates hopefulness instead of helplessness. When you can’t correctly identify WHAT (vs. WHO) the problem actually is, you will go ’round and ’round, getting nowhere. To show you what I mean, here’s a transcript of a couple involved in poor communication:
She: You don’t view my feelings as legitimate.
He: You should just think of something else!
She: You let everything slide off your back.
He: You’re too uptight because it’s smarter not to worry about it!
She: But IF I don’t get it off my chest, I have a meltdown.
He: But WHEN your stuff comes flying right at me out of the blue, I climb the wall!
She: There you go again. You make things too complex.
He: There you go again. You don’t keep things simple enough!
She: You treat me like a child and I RESENT that.
He: You act like a baby when you don’t get your way and I RESENT THAT!
She: We’ve got some major issues.
He: I don’t have issues, you have issues. AND there you go again making a mountain out of a mole hill!
She: You don’t care what is bothering me.
He: That really bothers you? What else is bothering you so much?!
She: You make me feel stupid.
He: Hey, if the shoe fits BUT you make me think I’m a hick who’s missed the communication boat.
She: This is really a big problem.
He: It’s never as big a problem as you think it is!
She: You’re no help.
He: So what would you like me to do about it?!
She: You’re not taking this discussion seriously with all of your sarcastic comments.
He: You don’t have to throw sticks and stones when you know you’re in the wrong, you know!
She: Why do you always blow me off?
He: Back at ya’ twice as much, babe!
She: That’s just like YOU…You’re always SO unemotional.
He: Well, you’re always SO dramatic.
She: Fine!
He: Fine!
The couple above demonstrates that each partner thinks the opposite partner is the problem, when in fact the real problem is the closed communication loop that creates and feeds circular arguments that lead nowhere.
WE’RE HAVING A COMMUNICATION BREAKDOWN?
Do you have a communication breakdown with your talk partner? Are you experiencing a “failure to communicate” and just spinning your wheels while smoke is coming out of your ears? Talking in circles of blame simply doesn’t work! In fact, these types of “circular talk” patterns can end in a relationship disaster, as each partner begins to feel less and less confident about the integrity of their communication prowess and proficiency.
EFFECTIVE DISAGREEMENT
The above “monologue” isn’t a dialogue or an “effective disagreement” or “brainstorming new solutions to old problems.” It’s simply venting and making glib comments about the other partner’s communication style. Namely, that your style isn’t my style and that’s the reason we can’t communicate. So who’s fault is it? Nobody is the fault…but somebody has got to get the straight scoop and read the map correctly to go in a new direction.
WHY DON’T YOU ADDRESS THE COMMUNICATION PROBLEM?
The couple in the “pretend” scenario above never get around to “agreeing to agree and to disagree” on several extremely important things:
1. Is there a problem, or isn’t there a problem?
2. What are our two differing viewpoints of what constitutes the problem?
3. Is this a small problem or a big problem?
4. Is this problem worth our time to solve?
5. What “compromise” would best solve the problem in a win-win fashion?
6. If I accept my partners’ viewpoint, while still respectfully disagreeing, what creative solution in the triangle of talk would present itself?
7. Are we scared of fighting about the problem? Why?
8. Do we know how to “fight fair” and “disagree productively” about what is/isn’t a problem?
SPINNING YOUR WHEELS OR BE IN YOUR OWN LIFE?
If you can’t decide on what the problem is and isn’t, and which problem is a big enough one to tackle, then you will never find a compromise to solve the problem. And the results of sweeping problems under the carpet, of ignoring the elephant in the room? An elephant stampede that squashes your love flat as a pancake.
ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS TRAINER AND CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a relationship psychologist, strategic and effective communication keynote speaker, and executive leadership coach who is the author of, “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” Dennis gets the picture of fear of talking vs. unfair fights…both of which lead to a town called Nowhere Fun. “Talking mean” and “blame games” and “circular talks” and “talking about talking” are all customary forms of missed communication opportunities that are very frustrating and preventable with practice. Do you have “junk in your trunk?” Then take all of your resentment baggage out of your communicator car trunk (including the elephant that no one is talking about) and lay it out on the driveway. Then decide what you want to donate and let go of or keep. Why be so afraid of ending up in a division or loss of your partner that you don’t ever dare to begin to really begin talking?