A hallmark of a co-dependency is “I lost myself in the relationship and I’m having trouble finding myself again!” In contrast, a hallmark of a co-independent relationship is “I find out more about who I am by communicating effectively in the relationship.” Moreover, out of the ashes of grief, springs new growth. That’s why some relationship break-ups or divorces are not only good for you (and the kids)…but really are great new adventures in being a “you” that has too long been suppressed or repressed.
GAIN OF LIFE: AM I A BAD PERSON OR A CURIOUS PERSON GLAD TO BE ALIVE?
The shame-and-blame game religiously intones that for the life of you, you had better back down from being you and instead try to please others in order to keep what you’ve got. Threats of loss abound in co-dependencies. Are you a bad person? Well, no, because truly “bad” people don’t ask this question in the first place. Bad people act all nice, and then in a sick, twisted and evil way, help you right out of the person you need to be, changing you into a shivering and quivering morphed-out version of some fake robot who smiles on cue to please ’em while you’re dying inside.
TRYING ON DIFFERENT PARTS OF YOUR PERSONALITY FOR SIZE
These are steps in my “gain and growth” model of human change that focus on what you gain, instead of what you lose, as a result of embracing meaningful personal change.
THE GAIN OF LIFE MODEL OF HUMAN CHANGE
STEP 1: WAKING UP. You wake up to the fact that you are living a life that is a white lie, one that doesn’t express your true self or fit your higher calling.
STEP 2: THE LIGHT COMES ON. The light comes on in your personal world, and you wake up as if from a deep dream and look around at unfamiliar surroundings.
STEP 3: YOU EMBRACE THE UNKNOWN. When you grow, you let go of the comforting known or familiar, and eerily what you once thought solid and certain now seems fluid and uncertain.
STEP 4: YOU GAIN AN AWARENESS OF BEING A CONTROL FREAK. You acknowledge how much you’ve tried hard to control others and allowed others to control your view of yourself, your decisions, and what makes you a “good or bad” person. You learn the harder you try to control, the behinder and more resentful you get.
STEP 5: YOU UNDERSTAND THE ANXIETY-ANGER-ANXIETY CYCLE. There are intense emotions of anxiety, of fear and dread, of fear of loss of life or economic vitality or social standing. “But what will people think of me now?!” haunts your work and family habitats.
STEP 6: TAKING A HIKE ON NEW GROUND. You try on new behaviors for size and analyze the social feedback that is co-created. For example, a shy person becomes more assertive, outgoing and opinionated.
STEP 7: WONDER AND CURIOUSITY. Your viewpoint opens up to include the awareness that you are always producing results, for better or worse. Thus, change becomes a friend instead of a foe. Also, you are able to hold two differing viewpoints at the same time even when smoke pours out of your ears. You are curious about why you and others do and don’t do what we all do.
Using positive and effective communication skills makes deeply courageous personal changes happen fast and last for you and yours.
PUTTING AN END TO BEING CONTROLLED OR NEEDING TO BE IN CONTROL
Control of your mind (attitude) and emotions (feelings) is the name of the life game. When you feel self-doubt, you will permit controllers to control you. Without your consent to be controlled, controllers will descend into deeper reaches of their own emotions that would benefit them enormously. As you test new grounds, you will try on new behaviors, sometimes going a little too far so you then will decide which behaviors fit your temperament the best for the time of your life.
FINE-TUNEMENTS
Typical comments from my communications clients: “Although nothing’s perfect, I’m enjoying my life for a change right now! I used to be comfortable, but now I’m uncomfortably cheerful!” The “Talk to Me” communication system includes “the light bulb came on!” effect. My best description of this energetic force of change is the “gain of life” model above. You will “wake up” feeling “a revelation” and “light” to make your way by declaring your own decisions about your life. You will go a little too far now and then, but not too often. You will put an end to being manipulated and controlled by “annoying people” at work or insane family pressures to be perfect.
ABOUT DR. DENNIS O’GRADY WHO IS A KEYNOTE SPEAKER, AUTHOR OF THREE BOOKS, COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT AND PROFESSIONAL PSYCHOLOGIST FROM DAYTON, OHIO, USA.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” which is a positive and effective communication system that will work wonders in your work and personal life. One of O’Grady’s favorite grief management speaking lines is: “Out of the ashes of grief springs new growth.” Dennis lives and works in Dayton, Ohio, with his wife and three daughters. He is President-Elect of the Dayton Psychological Association, and a Clinical Professor at the Wright State University School of Professional Psychology. O’Grady believes that individuation takes place in healthy relationships, when people are free to talk about their opinions and feelings without censor or shame.