You can talk to a non-talking partner by asking “directive questions” that cause something new to come out that benefit everyone. You won’t speak up though, if your confidence is riddled with “I’d better leave them alone.” How can you keep your cool when your temperature is rising, because you feel ignored and disrespected? By talking positively to yourself in accurate and encouraging ways that reliably talk you down from an anger-anxiety high.
WHY EMPATHIZERS (E-TYPES) ARE WISE TO BECOME LESS SENSITIVE
Verbal expressions of anger or giving the cold shoulder or silent treatment “scare off” Empathizer (E-type) communicators, who feel they must have done something wrong. Also, E-types feel afraid that the anger can escalate, become an anger attack, and someone is going to get emotionally or physically hurt. So E-types can shut down or ramble on and on anxiously and incoherently. Naturally, I-types don’t respect emotional weak spots of any kind.
WHAT TO SAY TO YOURSELF TO KEEP YOUR COOL WHEN THE HEAT IS ON
E-types can be “less sensitive” to achieve better talk results. Skull talk: You first must talk positively to yourself to keep your cool when the silent treatment or heat is on like this:
- I am not the problem here…so listen up
- This isn’t my fault…so relax
- The point of talking is to explore issues…so ask open-ended questions
- I won’t sling mud back…so take it easy
- I won’t pick up any anger that isn’t mine…so smile
- I’m not a goat on a rope…so don’t interrupt
- I am in the driver’s seat here…so don’t talk over anyone
- Nothing bad’s going to happen here…so breathe deep
- I will stay calm and not be blown away by an anger hurricane…so enjoy
So first things first…calm yourself down and don’t take on anger that doesn’t belong to you because you’re not doing anything wrong.
MOODY PEOPLE AND ANGRY, ANGER-DEFAULTING DRIVERS
Instigators default almost always to the “safe” emotional set of irritation, frustration, aggravation and anger. Angry words, aggressive complaining or giving the cold shoulder don’t “intimidate” Instigator (I-type) communicators. Courage in the face of discouragement, is an I-type strength. Rambling anxious E-types who are unfocused or behaving in “willy-nilly” ways, really stuff wax in the ears of Instigators. Naturally, E-types resent those who are shaming or intolerant of feelings.
YOU ARE IN CHARGE OF YOUR OWN ATTITUDE
Although you aren’t personally responsible for a partner’s, teen or a child’s refusal to talk to you of anger…you are response-able to say key transactions that I-types like to hear that can diffuse the fuse on the bomb of the irrational fear of “soft or tender” emotions, such as hurt, loneliness, boredom, insecurity, rejection, sexual need and jealousy.
NO ONE WANTS TO COME ACROSS LIKE AN IDIOT
No one wants to come across like an idiot when they’re hurting or when they’re fussy and steamed…as no one wants to be a doormat for the muddy anger of a grumpy person having a tantrum to feel better at the expense of the entire household of loving spirits. You, too, can stay calm and talk “smarter” when your feelings are smarting.
THIS IS HOW IT IS: ABOUT COMMUNICATIONS EXPERT, PSYCHOLOGIST, AND KEYNOTE SPEAKER AND BUSINESS TRAINER DR. DENNIS O’GRADY
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is the author of “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone.” O’Grady’s new communication system will show you how to talk in the language of your partner, child or business customer to create win-win problem-solving communication strategies. O’Grady teaches there are two communicator types called Empathizers and Instigators; who drive in the four talk lanes of Emotions, Beliefs, Behaviors and Talks. The reason there is so much miscommunication and frustration going on, isn’t because other people are so dad-blasted difficult who want to drive you insane, but because the two types of communicators haven’t been known until this point in our history and accounted for in our relationships. “A Beginner’s Guide to Communication” is available to study on Dr. O’Grady’s CommTools blog, while his entire advanced communication system is available only in his “Talk to Me” book and seminars. “Talk to Me: Communication Moves To Get Along With Anyone” is now available at Amazon. You can talk personally to Dr. O’Grady at his Web site, too.