How do you express a complaint about something you would like to see changed without sending the conversation in a totally different direction or tripping over your own words? How do you talk through a resentment so that you can stop stewing about it? How do you speak up assertively and provide vital negative feedback without ending up in a ditch by ‘jive talking’? In truth, what you say should move talks forward, not stall them out or fuel a heated debate.
MISCOMMUNICATING…WE HAVE A FAILURE TO COMMUNICATE
Like bad driving, negative talkers miscommunicate in patterned ways that make it all but impossible to solve problems and bring about productive change. My now, don’t we all have an awful lot of excuses to avoid the work of personal change and effective communication?
YOU CAN CLEAN UP YOUR SIDE OF THE TALK STREET
But you can clean up your side of the talk street because open communication is in your hands 50% of the time. Indeed, there are effective ways you can “talk back” respectfully to a co-communicator who tries to drive you off the two-way communication highway by honking, distracting you verbally or resorting to petty annoyances that honk you off. When someone else detours your efforts at facilitating communication, you walk away feeling as if you’ve made the same complaint for the 1,000th time to ears that are plugged with cotton.
TALKING BACK ASSERTIVELY
Let’s walk through the process of “talking back assertively” to someone who typically derails the conversation. Let’s pretend you are talking back in straight ways to the following six crooked transactions:
1. JIVE TALKING #1: WHY ARE YOU BRINGING THIS UP NOW?
Straight Talk Back:
– I’m bringing this up now because it’s bothering me.
– Perhaps this isn’t a good time to talk. Is there a better time for us to talk?
– I’m bringing this up now because it’s important.– This issue won’t magically go away. Can we talk?
– My intention is to talk positively with you for a change, not point a finger of blame.
– Would you like to talk about a different topic instead of this one?
2. JIVE TALKING #2: DO WE HAVE TO TALK?
Straight Talk Back:
– Yes, we do.
– Why is talking a “have to” vs. a “want to?”
– We don’t have to talk about anything. Aren’t we a team who solves problems together?
– Our talks need to go somewhere different instead of keeping us stuck in a rut with tires spinning, something that ticks us both off.
– What talk rules are we wise to abide by to talk more positively?
– Let’s quickly decide what one topic we will talk about instead of talking about everything under the sun.
3. JIVE TALKING #3: I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS AGAIN.
Straight Talk Back:
– I haven’t even told you what the topic is yet!
– Why do we make it so hard to talk about something that’s uncomfortable?
– Wouldn’t you like to resolve this issue once and for all?
– You sound resigned to a stale relationship atmosphere. Can’t we roll down the window and add some fresh air to our talks?
– I don’t want to feel like I’m twisting your arm to talk. To tell you the truth, I’m not feeling very important to you right now.
– I wish talking didn’t feel like walking through a minefield.
4. JIVE TALKING #4: BUT WE DON’T GET ANYWHERE WHEN WE TALK.
Straight Talk Back:
– Where would you like to end up at or get “to” in this talk?
– What new behaviors would make you feel hopeful?
– What would you like to see us both do to change?
– What little things aren’t we doing to settle this issue to our mutual satisfaction?
– We can get somewhere new by traveling down talk roads less traveled.
– Positive talks occur in “baby steps.” My goal is for both of us to feel happy and satisfied for a change.
5. JIVE TALKING #5: I THINK THINGS ARE FINE.
Straight Talk Back:
– You aren’t happy, nor am I.
– You’re not telling the truth. To have a connected relationship, we must be emotionally honest.
– Things are not fine! I’m frustrated more times than I feel contented.
– Are you “fine” with having a mediocre relationship?
– I feel like a failure when it comes to communicating with you.
– If things keep going like this, our relationship is going to break down or skid off the road.
6. JIVE TALKING #6: I DON’T DO WELL WITH CHANGE.
Straight Talk Back:
– What is that supposed to mean?
– Do you think we are disabled by change or too old to learn new talk tricks?
– Are you saying you can’t or won’t change?
– Why are we acting as if we’re afraid of change instead of students of change?
– Do you think change is a bad thing in a loving relationship?
– Why do we keep doing what doesn’t work over and over again, like playing a piano that is out of tune?
WE NEED TO TALK?!
Why continue to be unhappy, at odds, mad and upset instead of changing what you can? “We need to talk!” doesn’t have to be the first transaction in a confusing and muddled interchange of blocked not flowing talk transactions that lead you onto the off-ramps called Disconnect and Despair.
Dr. Dennis O’Grady is a communications psychologist who is the author of TALK TO ME: Communication Moves to Get Along with Anyone. You can find out “What Is Your Communicator Type” at this site in seconds, and receive a feedback report about your communicator type and your opposite type. Dr. O’Grady leads a wide variety of “seriously fun” workshops and gives keynotes on change management, communication skills, and conflict and anger management.